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Author Topic: Wish Upon a Recycle?  (Read 751 times)
dagwoodbowser
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« Reply #30 on: April 29, 2015, 07:43:52 PM »

Excerpt
past tense: duped; past participle: duped

deceive; trick.

"the newspaper was duped into publishing an untrue story"

synonyms:   deceive, trick, hoodwink, hoax, swindle, defraud, cheat, double-cross"

Guess this Thread ended getting off course some. But hey... .

I think it's human nature and all about Ego to search and try and find reason and cause, cause and effect for things we cant explain. Was my BPDx dishonest, manipulative and were there times I felt "duped?"

Hell Yeah... .at least for me the Bigger Issue is that by the 3rd month of being involved with her I ALREADY saw the waving Red Flags  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I so badly want to blame her and yeah there was a lot of underhanded stuff that went down but man... .I kinda "duped" Myself by trying to convince myself that pat performance or actions were going to keep being different or the outcomes were going to change.

Whole reason I thought about this post Wish Upon a Recycle cause I did it multiple times and really... .who Duped whom? I did it to myself
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Infared
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« Reply #31 on: April 29, 2015, 09:16:30 PM »

Excerpt
past tense: duped; past participle: duped

deceive; trick.

"the newspaper was duped into publishing an untrue story"

synonyms:   deceive, trick, hoodwink, hoax, swindle, defraud, cheat, double-cross"

Guess this Thread ended getting off course some. But hey... .

I think it's human nature and all about Ego to search and try and find reason and cause, cause and effect for things we cant explain. Was my BPDx dishonest, manipulative and were there times I felt "duped?"

Hell Yeah... .at least for me the Bigger Issue is that by the 3rd month of being involved with her I ALREADY saw the waving Red Flags  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I so badly want to blame her and yeah there was a lot of underhanded stuff that went down but man... .I kinda "duped" Myself by trying to convince myself that pat performance or actions were going to keep being different or the outcomes were going to change.

Whole reason I thought about this post Wish Upon a Recycle cause I did it multiple times and really... .who Duped whom? I did it to myself

Sorry we got sidetracked... .The duped discussion got under my skin, and I contributed to that.

According to your definition, at least I did not dupe myself and go back for a recycle. Don't know if that would ever have been an option for her... .but I had made my decision that her cheating was a total deal-breaker for me. ... .so as painful as it was I just could not entertain the thought of giving it another go.
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dobie
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« Reply #32 on: April 30, 2015, 01:00:58 AM »

Dobie, you understand she is disordered - right?

I honestly don't know but here's another narrative

She is immature , selfish, a pro victim  and suffers from anxiety and low mood she uses people and is not capable of deep love and caring because of all the latter and her dysfunctional childhood

Girl finds dobie --- girl does not care about dobies current gf or her bf as she was using him anyway

Girl thinks dobie is the most amazing man her perfect person girl thrusts herself on dobie and idealises his every word --- dobie having been in a normal long term r/s is missing sex and appreciation -- girl give dobie sex and idealises him for years though sex drys up after she has xgf out of the picture to almost nothing before dobie and girl break up

Dobie allows her to express her anger through him --- dobie and girl argue and fight a lot -- dobie suffers from depression and rages due to later -- girl is always complaining and moaning about something but not much about dobie --- dobie care takes --

One day dobie loses his s××t and in a rage trashes the flat --- girl threatens to leave --- dobie give up his training and bad boy ways as well as his steroids and gets a job --- girl is anxious from now on as dobie keep trying to prove he loves her and has changed -- the years pass and dobie is trying very hard but the girl and dobie fight a lot and she is always unhappy about something --- the girls resents dobie and no longer thinks he is a god --- she keeps devaluing him and or accusing him of only loving her for xyz --- and how can she trust him --- girl finds new friends and no longer needs dobie --- girl has probably cheated as well

Dobie and girl don't sleep in same bed as girl rages before bed --- dobie never wants to kiss girl passionately as she is always bickering and complaining -- dobie focuses on there economic future and is obsessed by making money for them -- girl wants to have fun and is sick of dobie being so middle aged

Dobie heartbroken looks for reason for her behaviour ... .

Bdp seems to fit but not perfectly --- others think she is just a horrible , selfish user who needs to grow up

Dobie wants to believe she might be I'll but others just think she is a nasty person

Dobie is torn between blaming himself and thinking he is not the problem although he is not perfect he did everything in his power to love her and keep her happy

Dobie is burnt out and does not know anything anymore about her or him or the last six years .

I say this with a gentle spirit: either way, whether she had BPD or not, it ^ sounds like neither one of you were happy.  And you don't need to diagnose ANYTHING to recognize that truth - and decide that the healthiest thing to do is exit.

That's the tragedy over all I was HAPPY I felt safe & secure , "loved" needed I had a future , plans a best friend even if she was hard work .

To answer the original question if I'm really honest I'd take her back in a heartbeat

Unless she started becoming a compulsive cheat or abusive I can tolerate a lot .

Life without her is hell and I realise that's my issue/issues its not healthy but its honestly how I feel .

She won't recycle though she never goes back to xs
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #33 on: April 30, 2015, 04:58:44 AM »

Excerpt
past tense: duped; past participle: duped

deceive; trick.

"the newspaper was duped into publishing an untrue story"

synonyms:   deceive, trick, hoodwink, hoax, swindle, defraud, cheat, double-cross"

Guess this Thread ended getting off course some. But hey... .

I think it's human nature and all about Ego to search and try and find reason and cause, cause and effect for things we cant explain. Was my BPDx dishonest, manipulative and were there times I felt "duped?"

Hell Yeah... .at least for me the Bigger Issue is that by the 3rd month of being involved with her I ALREADY saw the waving Red Flags  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post),  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post),  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I so badly want to blame her and yeah there was a lot of underhanded stuff that went down but man... .I kinda "duped" Myself by trying to convince myself that pat performance or actions were going to keep being different or the outcomes were going to change.

Whole reason I thought about this post Wish Upon a Recycle cause I did it multiple times and really... .who Duped whom? I did it to myself

That's a pretty key realization... .I did it to myself, too.  Mostly at the beginning of the r/s... .I had an inkling that she might be unstable, but I was really unhappy in my own life, she liked me a LOT (which was pretty heady stuff), and she felt like an "escape" from my unhappiness. Over time, as I fell in love with her, it became harder and harder to disengage.

I haven't recycled... .she hasn't attempted it, and I wouldn't recycle even if approached - for the same reason that you've remained N/C for this long: the infidelity.  It's a dealbreaker for me; I deserve a faithful partner. You do, too.

And congrats on 46 days! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #34 on: April 30, 2015, 10:39:25 AM »

I have felt 'duped' by two past relationships with npd exes. It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one. I can be a bit paranoid so definitely have some of my own issues to deal with but I feel with hindsight that I was really played. Is this common with personality disorders?

Each personality disorder is unique. People seem to talk about feeling manipulated when they have a relationship (r/s) with a person with NPD.  People sometimes feel as though they've been manipulated in a Borderline r/s, but people with BPD tend to be much more impulsive, not premeditated.

There is a tendency to ascribe negative traits to NPD, but I would like to draw attention on the two completely different subtypes within NPD construct. Vulnerable narcissism is nearly identical to BPD with higher ego functioning(there is a staggering 0.93 correlation on important criterion variables), while the malignant subtype, which people usually associate the label with is proved to be extremely rare by recent studies, and bears more resemblance to ASPD. One really has to do prison dating to meet three of them in a row.

The partner of the BPD often feel that he or she was manipulated as their interpersonal relationships are first and foremost need-driven in their nature, but as jhkbuzz mentioned, it is usually not premediated, but part of the the script originating in the pre-oedipal core trauma they never worked through. They are basically on an autopilot mode, ready to do just about anything to escape the impending emotional annihilation.

www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/manipulation.htm
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #35 on: April 30, 2015, 11:06:42 AM »

The real question is, why did we participate in these unhealthy interactions for so long, with people whose core values or the lack of thereof fundamentally conflict with our own. The patterns may manifest in different ways, but just as deeply ingrained as the borderlines.

Glad to see that the OP has the insight and self-awareness so early out of the madness.

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dagwoodbowser
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« Reply #36 on: April 30, 2015, 12:02:55 PM »

Excerpt
That's a pretty key realization... .I did it to myself, too.  Mostly at the beginning of the r/s... .I had an inkling that she might be unstable, but I was really unhappy in my own life, she liked me a LOT (which was pretty heady stuff), and she felt like an "escape" from my unhappiness. Over time, as I fell in love with her, it became harder and harder to disengage.

Thanx jhkbuzz. We give BPD's a really tough time about many behavioral issues. One of them being inability to see their own dysfunction. Took me a while, but I am seeing mine. I am a People Pleaser. A co-dependent type. I am dysfunctional myself in that I want to be needed, wanted and ultimately tapped and petted on the head and told Att'a Boy! Good job, well done! for my good deeds.

She was a Taker, I was a Giver. She was my Yang to my Ying. Two Half People that made One Twisted Person.

I helped her prep for her GED, get on some social services, took her to church regularly, off some of the harder drugs, she got her own place and eventually a great job. Does she recognize any of this? Hardly. She was still telling her family what a jerk I was, lying and cheating and still dropped me.

Did I achieve my goal to make her life for her and children better? Yes. Was I pissed because I never got my needs met? Of course. But at end of the day my reality is that I did what I did for my kicks and hers were also met. That need to be wanted, appreciated. Never did get or likely never will get that Atta Boy or Good Job Well Done from her because she Cant. So, at end of the day I gave what I gave freely, not begrudgingly... .still trying to figure out why I'm now miffed I gave away what I did. Cause as we Danced our dysfunctional Waltz I sure wasn't complaining or doing anything to stop it.
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Reforming
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« Reply #37 on: April 30, 2015, 12:09:08 PM »

Excerpt
That's a pretty key realization... .I did it to myself, too.  Mostly at the beginning of the r/s... .I had an inkling that she might be unstable, but I was really unhappy in my own life, she liked me a LOT (which was pretty heady stuff), and she felt like an "escape" from my unhappiness. Over time, as I fell in love with her, it became harder and harder to disengage.

Thanx jhkbuzz. We give BPD's a really tough time about many behavioral issues. One of them being inability to see their own dysfunction. Took me a while, but I am seeing mine. I am a People Pleaser. A co-dependent type. I am dysfunctional myself in that I want to be needed, wanted and ultimately tapped and petted on the head and told Att'a Boy! Good job, well done! for my good deeds.

She was a Taker, I was a Giver. She was my Yang to my Ying. Two Half People that made One Twisted Person.

I helped her prep for her GED, get on some social services, took her to church regularly, off some of the harder drugs, she got her own place and eventually a great job. Does she recognize any of this? Hardly. She was still telling her family what a jerk I was, lying and cheating and still dropped me.

Did I achieve my goal to make her life for her and children better? Yes. Was I pissed because I never got my needs met? Of course. But at end of the day my reality is that I did what I did for my kicks and hers were also met. That need to be wanted, appreciated. Never did get or likely never will get that Atta Boy or Good Job Well Done from her because she Cant. So, at end of the day I gave what I gave freely, not begrudgingly... .still trying to figure out why I'm now miffed I gave away what I did. Cause as we Danced our dysfunctional Waltz I sure wasn't complaining or doing anything to stop it.

This is really strong insight Dagwood.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I needed to work on the why too, but this is really positive step forward. Good for you

Reforming
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ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2015, 12:19:11 PM »

Excerpt
past tense: duped; past participle: duped

deceive; trick.

"the newspaper was duped into publishing an untrue story"

synonyms:   deceive, trick, hoodwink, hoax, swindle, defraud, cheat, double-cross"

Hell Yeah... .at least for me the Bigger Issue is that by the 3rd month of being involved with her I ALREADY saw the waving Red Flags  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I so badly want to blame her and yeah there was a lot of underhanded stuff that went down but man... .I kinda "duped" Myself by trying to convince myself that pat performance or actions were going to keep being different or the outcomes were going to change.

Whole reason I thought about this post Wish Upon a Recycle cause I did it multiple times and really... .who Duped whom? I did it to myself

Dagwood, I knew by the 3rd day.  Maybe by the 3rd email exchange.  I even texted him saying "we've had 4 hard days and we've only known each other 8."  He replied how great that was, how much we learned about each other, we were learning to communicate, etc.  I took the bait, hook, line and sinker.  I totally DUPED MYSELF.  That is the real STING!
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dagwoodbowser
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« Reply #39 on: May 02, 2015, 12:37:36 AM »

Excerpt
The partner of the BPD often feel that he or she was manipulated as their interpersonal relationships are first and foremost need-driven in their nature, but as jhkbuzz mentioned, it is usually not premediated, but part of the the script originating in the pre-oedipal core trauma they never worked through. They are basically on an autopilot mode, ready to do just about anything to escape the impending emotional annihilation.

www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/manipulation.htm

BorisAcusio: Thank you. Love the link! I'm sure it's controversial depending on what psychological philosophy or paradigm one wants to use when approaching BPD. My BPD-X is Manipulative. No doubt, no if's and's or buts. Yet, once again I can throw a fit about it and point the finger at how I was victimized. However, the mere fact that I knew early on she was "manipulative" didnt blindside me. If anything, I was somewhat intrigued. In my mind, I simply believed I could catch it when it was happening cause I was oh so much smarter than her... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

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dagwoodbowser
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« Reply #40 on: May 02, 2015, 12:43:34 AM »

Excerpt
I took the bait, hook, line and sinker.  I totally DUPED MYSELF.  That is the real STING!

Reclaiming: This realization will help you heal faster I believe. I know that I wanted so badly to justify what had happened, that I was the victim of a typical BPD hood wink. That poor me mentality. As I enter into my second month of N/C and I'm not enthralled in intense emotions I'm getting some clarity and this realization has pushed along a little faster along. Hope it does for you. Admission of our own sins, faults and sometimes foolishness is good for the soul I think.
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FannyB
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« Reply #41 on: May 02, 2015, 07:06:48 AM »

I re-cycled as I only learned about BPD just prior to our initial break-up and wanted time to process it all and understand her behaviour from my 'enlightened' perspective. I made a conscious decision to come out for round two knowing she probably had BPD and not expecting it to be any different - just a shorter cycle.  If anything, I duped her.
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