She haunts me

[Reecer1588]

I am back home from college and I live about 3 minutes away from my ex.

Coming back home has been devastating. She is everywhere I go (in my mind). She won't stop haunting me. She haunts me day and night. Everywhere I go I see things that remind me of her. For example, I went to an art store today and I saw these horse paintings that I know she'd die for and I thought about how I would love to bring her to this place, then I remembered I can't even talk to her anymore. Then I remember how ridiculous it is that I'm still thinking like this 4 months since she even last talked to me. But it doesn't matter how long it's been since she's talked to me. She haunts me everyday and and every night of my life.

Then On the way back home from the store I saw her in her car driving past. Now I'm pretty much in shambles.

I don't know why God has done this to me.

I wish I could just have another chance with her. i wish there were some way to know that she'll talk to me. I don't want anyone else. i want her. I want to talk to her. I want her to stop haunting me. I want the pain to go away.

I wish I would have never met her.

[Jack2727]

It will be ok!

I'm four months out and I go through the same ruminations.

They tend to lessen over time. Hang in there!

[Heldfast]

No, no, no, no. You don't want her, you want how she made you feel. And those are still in you, still with you. She made you feel noble, be noble. She made you feel charming, be charming. Be the things you feel she saw in you, and you won't need her to validate or love bomb. You will not be haunted by her forever, and if she was back, it wouldn't be the same. You'd be this broken thing walking on eggshells, trying not to take the step that sets her running again. You will get better, you will be stronger, you will find a love worth your time and your heart. Don't make the wrong choice, the one that makes you pathetic. Choose the harder path, that makes you strong, even if it means you have to go it alone a little longer.

[lawman79]

Reecer,


Also 4+ months out and going through a similiar thing.  It can be very up and down... .but the trend is up... .even if slowly.  Hang in there buddy.  You're a young guy and the best is yet to come for you.  

[Beach_Babe]

Is it too late to plan a trip somewhere with friends or take summer classes? Distance might help. I cant imagine how hard this is buddy im sorry.

[Mutt]

Hi Reecer1588,

I can understand how difficult it is if you are triggered and are reminded of your ex throughout the day. That's hard.

I might be getting this wrong. I recall you couldn't organize an appointment with a T while in school and were waiting several weeks until you could see one.

Did you get a chance to talk to a T?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Reecer-

What if god will never give you anything you can't handle?  What if everything happens for a reason, and it serves us; nothing happens to us, it all happens for us?  What if you're exactly where you're supposed to be right now, because there are things you can't even yet imagine waiting for you later in life, and the growth you're doing now is preparation for that?  What's good about your current situation?  Find something, just one thing, and build from there.

[once removed]

hey reecer,

"Coming back home has been devastating. She is everywhere I go (in my mind)."

look, BPD and relationship aside, moving can be traumatic. it might feel a little like returning to ground zero? throw in the relationship and the proximity and youve got a pretty big dose. throw in seeing her, and youve got all kinds of triggers with wounds that were (and are) healing. i dont think theres an immediate remedy for this. even if you get some distance, returning may be just as traumatic.

"then I remembered I can't even talk to her anymore. Then I remember how ridiculous it is that I'm still thinking like this 4 months since she even last talked to me."

i dont think that feeling is ridiculous at all. throw in the fact that moving stirs, and clearly has stirred up all these feelings which werent settled in the first place (even if they had, triggering isnt unnatural). no wonder you feel haunted.

you seem conflicted between wanting another chance and wishing youd never met her. between the lines, that could be considered progress. but none of this goes away over night. ive made the point by now, but please try to understand that its very natural that a trigger would do what it does; trigger these feelings. that can remove some of the power the feelings have, but it doesnt remove your situation, i understand.

i think fromheeltoheal is right. i dont think youre being punished by god. youve survived so far; congratulate yourself for that. youve gotten stronger as a result. you actually have a pretty high ceiling to grow and get stronger if you think about it. how do you think youd react if you ran into her directly and/or had an interaction?

[Darkvoid]

I know exacly how you feel! Home felt like hell! After one year memories are finally fading away and I'm starting to enjoy and feel my hometown!

Go foward, always! Get new good memories to overwrite the bad one's!

[Lucky Jim]

I wish I could just have another chance with her.

Hey Reecer, Many on this site have had second chances, including me, and most will confirm that the outcome was no different yet the fallout far worse after the second, third chance, etc.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but someday I predict you will be grateful to be out of a r/s with a pwBPD.  The sooner you get out of the toxic soup, the better, in my view.  LuckyJim

[Reecer1588]

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but someday I predict you will be grateful to be out of a r/s with a pwBPD.

At this point I don't think I'd want another relationship with her, I know it makes no sense, but I just want her to recognize my existence. Just a 'hello' or anything, a text message, phone call, ANYTHING. It's the radio silence that kills me on the inside. It's like she was so able to completely move on while I'm here not able to detach from her.

Go foward, always! Get new good memories to overwrite the bad one's!

Thank you 

how do you think youd react if you ran into her directly and/or had an interaction?

If she approached me (incredibly unlikely), I'd just be nice and cordial to her. If she did what I see as the most likely case, some sort of telecommunication, I will do the same, just be nice to her. Ask her how she's been, tell her it's nice to hear her. Just be cordial.

[dobie]

Reecer you don't need her to do anything for you but leave you the hell alone my friend

Your a young guy the fact you have had one of the r/s will arm you in future when you meet that awesome normal healthy girl who will never treat you like your xBPDgf

And you know what you will be even more awesome to her because of your experience with a disordered person

Stay strong bro a few more months and you won't give a damm if she ever calls .your doing swell .