BPDex is angry I didn't invite her to a group outing

[4Years5Months]

My BPDex girlfriend broke up with me for the 7th time in February.  She had a replacement (security guard at her job who had just been dumped/divorced by his wife) two weeks after.  She and I had NC for roughly two months, until she reached out to me on Facebook and we chatted for six hours.  It was apparent she still has strong feelings for me, but the engulfment is keeping her away.  At the time, I felt like she would try a recycle, but I was seeing someone and that seemed to really upset my ex, even though she had replaced me.

We traded casual e-mails within the last two weeks, talking about life stuff, no relationship chatter.  I do know she is still with him.

We met nearly six years ago because we worked at the same location - never together - but we met at a night out with work friends, and it took off from there, quite fast, as it is with a BPDer.  Well, it has been several years since that store closed, but I have remained friends with many of my co-workers.  I organized a night out, a reunion of sorts, that took place last night.  I created a Facebook event invite and sent it out.  Obviously, I didn't include my ex, nor did I tell her about it.

Well, she must have seen the event posting (we still share many mutual Facebook friends) and she sent me an e-mail yesterday afternoon, which read, "Perhaps I should show up at (name of bar) and ruin your party this evening?  Nah... ."

Later that night, one of my friends (mutual friend with her) checked in at the bar on Facebook, and captioned it "Reunion with (workplace) friends!"  Again, my ex commented on this post, saying, "Sounds fun."

Such a passive aggressive "nobody told me!" aspect to her comments.  Really?  REALLY?  Was I supposed to invite her to the gathering?  No way, she made her choice.  But at the same time, it flabbergasts me why she cares.  She hasn't spoken to any of "our" friends since breaking up with me (she has surrounded herself with co-workers at her current job, of course my replacement is one of them) so why would she be offended (it seems) by not being included?

I want to respond and simply say that it saddens me to see her say something like that.  We actually had a good chat (the six hour one I mentioned above) and the e-mails have been cordial.  But here she is, playing the victim again.

It kind of sucks for me because tonight I just ended things with a girl I had been seeing.  She is too wrapped up in her job and too unhappy to have a quality relationship with.  "My mood has been off lately, sorry" was the latest thing she told me tonight, and I have had enough.  But now I look at my ex, still showing emotion about me and something I did, and well, it's tempting to reach out. 

I want to be friends with my ex.  I do care about her, but damn if that e-mail didn't make me see the 5-year-old child she truly is emotionally.

Any good vibes or feedback would be appreciated today.  Thanks, all.

[Mutt]

Hi 4years5months,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent break-up. I think she likely feels rejected?

Was I supposed to invite her to the gathering?  No way, she made her choice.

Made her choice with what? Do you mean she made her choice by leaving you?

The store was closed for several years, you had a reunion with co-workers and didn't invite her. She may see that as a bias for a re-union? A re-union is a gathering of groups or members that have been seperated. Maybe she felt left out from the group regardless of what transpired between you?

[4Years5Months]

Mutt, I mean yeah, she's mad that she wasn't included/informed of the plans to get together.  But she left me, and started dating someone else.  Despite chatting with her a few times, she let it be known that it's too difficult to be friends right now.  She even said that seeing my name on Facebook makes her upset.  That's what I mean when I say she "made her choice."  I didn't even fathom asking if she wanted to attend last night.

I mean, let's look at it another way.  Say your longtime girlfriend breaks up with you.  You share several mutual friends.  You decide to throw a party at your house.  Do you invite her?  Of course you don't!  But apparently, my ex seems to think she should have been.

If I were in her shoes and found out, I would have thought "well, that sucks, but I know I can't go since (she) will be there."  I mean, if she truly wants to hang out with our mutual friends, plan your own gathering!  Obviously I wouldn't be able to attend, and I wouldn't want to, anyway.  I asked one of them last night (the guy whose check-in on Facebook she commented on) if she has made any effort to hang out since our breakup.  His response?  "Not even once.  And she's regularly downtown, too (where he lives) and hasn't ever texted me to hang out."

In a nutshell, I think she has zero right to be angry about this, but she is.  And what does that mean?  One of my other friends said it makes her feel abandoned - that despite everything, I'm not reaching out to her, even if that meant she could then tell ME no. 

[Mutt]

No I wouldn't invite my ex if we'd broken up to a party either because I need time behind me, she didn't give me closure and jumped into something else right away. Everyone's situation is different and some relationships and not all can end with friendship and less chaotic than some of us on the boards?

She did invite me to an Easter get together with mutual friends right after the break-up and I went because I felt obligated and I knew she had a bf and he wasn't there. I was really hurt and said I'm not putting myself through an odd situation like that again.

I have declined all subsequent invitations were she's invited me to tag along with her and him and my kids. The way I see it it's her stuff in her life and my stuff is my own and we're not friends. I don't need to mix the two.  Maybe in 10 years time I might be able to be at a BBQ with her? Just not right now or the foreseeable future.

What I mean I think you can be friends with an ex and it depend on the circumstances when you break-up.

I'm trying to show you her point of view, it does sound like she was hurt and likely why the emotionally immature remarks. I agree she could throw her own party too. I understand what you're saying with putting yourself in her shoes. Do you think you may be looking at this with a non distorted belief system and whereas hers is a distorted belief system and she copes differently, compartmentalizes?

I likely would of done the same thing, sent an invite to all my co-worker friends and would have excluded my ex too if she had told me it's too hard to be friends.  I think you made the right call and I can see how it's confusing and hurtful.

[once removed]

4years5months,

i often like to avoid direct advice on what to do or not to do. BPD or not, it seems obvious to me this person is trying to get a reaction out of you. you have to ask yourself if you want to give a reaction. if you do, you must be prepared for any given number of consequences.

youve indicated youre experiencing an ongoing breakup  . i think that creates a certain emotional vulnerability. in light of that i think it might be wise to at least give some pause before you act either way.

[4Years5Months]

I do look at it as a child jabbing at someone, wanting them to turn around and acknowledge them.

She has shown this passive aggressive/The Victim/I've Been Wronged and Excluded attitude before, but it was when we were dating.  When we aren't together and/or she's with a replacement, she acts as if she's happy and better off.  Should I take this as a sign that there is more to her motives than just trying to elicit a response from me?

[Suzn]

Is it possible that chatting for 6 hours on Facebook book may have sent mixed messages? That's a long chat even for just friends.

[4Years5Months]

It wasn't just a six hour conversation, it was a six hour intense conversation where she did some serious love bombing, as I talked about here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

And she was the one who kept the conversation going.  Several times I tried to wrap it up, and she kept wanting to talk.

Perhaps that's why she sent the e-mail?  That she sort of thinks of me in a relationship way again, even though she is with someone else?  As I said in another thread, if she is with my replacement and as happy as she makes it out to be on social media, then why is she doing this to me?

[4Years5Months]

I replied to the e-mail.  I told her I wasn't sure how to respond to a message like that, and that I didn't invite her because she has moved on and told me she can't be my friend right now.  I asked her to please not send passive aggressive e-mails to me if she isn't interested in being in my life.

She responded within 20 minutes.  Here is exactly what she said:

"Sorry. I regretted sending that after I did. I just felt left out, and weird about you hanging out with a group of people who are no longer my friends. They clearly chose you "in the divorce," so it was frustrating seeing everyone hanging out without me. It was a moment of weakness and anger and jealousy, but you didn't deserve that dumb comment.

I felt very left out and sad about not being involved, even though I knew I couldn't be. I want to be your friend very much, I'm just not in a situation right now where that's possible. That's why it sucked.

Sorry again about my passive aggressive comment. Sigh. Embarrassing."

Thoughts?

[once removed]

thoughts: take it for what it is. an explanation and an apology. her explanation at least, seem fairly reasonable and normal to me. i had a mutual friend with my ex that id known longer but the friend chose my ex. it sucks, feeling left out sucks, and expressing resentment about that is not unheard of. thats not to say your problems here dont run deeper or anything, just that i dont see anything between the lines of that particular exchange on her part.

howd you feel about her reply?

[4Years5Months]

I found it to be quite clear headed and reasonable.  She has always been a waif/quiet BPDer (no acting out/violent), but in a situation like the one presented in this topic, she would usually argue her point - I should have invited her!  Why was she excluded?  I was somewhat surprised to see her basically put her hand in the air and take ownership of such a silly comment.  I suppose that's a good thing.

Regarding her wanting to be my friend "very much" - notice how she words the second half of that sentence:  "I'm just not in a situation right now where that's possible."  That is what she is masterful at - leaving the door open JUST a crack for a recycle attempt.  I feel like it's more likely to occur at this point.

To me, this seems to be the antithesis of some of the fly by contact from a BPDex that I read about on this board.  Her original comment was passive aggressive and immature.  But then she ADMITTED that and apologized.  She had another opportunity to slam the door on me and she didn't.  She could have built upon that original message and said I was an jerk for not inviting her, and paint me black.  Instead, in her usual manner, she's quite sad and feels guilty, and cannot be with me, and cannot be my friend.  Cannot.  She has never once in seven breakups told me she didn't want to be with me.

Something tells me all is not well with my replacement, but she has built herself a nice little ecosystem with that relationship (he's a co-worker and part of her work gang).

[Mutt]

Hi 4years5months,

I felt like she would try a recycle, but I was seeing someone and that seemed to really upset my ex, even though she had replaced me.

That is what she is masterful at - leaving the door open JUST a crack for a recycle attempt.  I feel like it's more likely to occur at this point.

You said you spoke online for 6 hours and she was love bombing?

Are you scared or want to recycle? Is it that you feel like you lost a friend?

[4Years5Months]

I miss having her in my life.  I cannot talk to anyone else with such comfort, mainly because I spent nearly five years talking to her all day, every day.  Sharing experiences and such.  That's why I think she could be a great FRIEND, but a recycle and becoming her boyfriend again carries the immense weight and responsibility that I don't believe any man can maintain.  It would only be a matter of time before I was pushed away again.  At the same time, I wish the same would happen to my replacement, because it would give me a little bit of validation.  Or hell, an actual recycle attempt on her part, instead of keeping on with him.  Eh.

When I get a passive aggressive e-mail like that, it's good to know she still has some sort of emotion attached to me.  I mean, I know she does - she told me numerous times during that long conversation.  I guess there is a difference between being told that and then seeing her go off with my replacement, than it is her saying it and then attempting to act on it.

[Mutt]

I can understand feeling like you lost a companion and someone that shared intimate things with you. I felt that my ex wife "got me" You've recycled a few times and I'm not judging you. Do you think that it's all or nothing with a pwBPD and friendship may not be a possibility?

Have you tried to be friends with her before?

Yes it validated there's an emotional attachment there and it sounds like she's putting her feelers out.

It also sounds like you've had enough with her behaviors and don't want that responsibility anymore. Do you think that you may need to self protect for your own sake?

[4Years5Months]

I think a friendship is a definite possibility on my end.  I'm not so sure about on hers.

The difference between now and the previous recycles is I realize that there is literally no way she won't do it again.  The feeling of "THIS time it will be different" is gone  She promised to get married, move away, and have children last October, things she had NEVER promised before then.  Her family paid for a vacation for the two of us to New York as a graduation gift in December.  She broke up with me in February and was with my replacement by early March.  A replacement she had sworn up and down was not a threat because he was an idiot, unattractive, and also married.  Then his wife left him... .

That swift, that fast.  I know it will happen again if I take her back.  But when she and I talk, it's natural and fun.  It's when the relationship creeps back in.  That is a boundary I have set with her when we had the "six hour" conversation, and maybe she is back to test the waters, I don't know.  With the other recycles where I was replaced, it was a process.  She didn't immediately jump back to me.  There was triangulation, because I wanted her back and allowed it.  Now, I don't want her back as a girlfriend, so she can be with the buffoon replacement as long as she likes.  But I know he doesn't want her talking to me, so yeah.  But maybe in a weird way that will turn on her engulfment fear with him, like daddy saying you can't play with that toy (me).

I know there is drama regardless.  But I do miss her.

[4Years5Months]

I'll also add that I think she does want me in her life.  I don't know in what capacity, but she has expressed that not talking to me has left as much of a void for her as it has with me.

But my replacement obviously wouldn't approve of that.  He didn't like an 8-month-old photo of me that she still had on her Facebook, and told her to take it off - by passive aggressively commenting on the photo "Ahh, memories!" instead of simply talking to her about it.  I received a notification from that comment.  That's what caused the six-hour conversation - she texted me to apologize, and we kept talking.  It's worth mentioning that she didn't delete the photo as he requested, she just hid it from him and said she did.  I can still see it if I visit her profile.

So I suppose having that definite relationship with my replacement is the most important thing - that attachment, and thus I cannot be her friend.  Okay then.  I just wonder what will happen the next time they have a fight, or he doesn't do exactly what she wants. 

[myself]

"I can't do this with you right now." It reminds me of what my ex would say when I was sticking to my boundaries more and she knew I was seeing her for who she really is (because I was paying attention to her actions not just words). You're right, it's a way to shut the door and keep it open. Remember, at this point her attempts to hook you into a recycle will only go so far. It really all depends on how hooked you allow yourself to be.

[4Years5Months]

I look at a statement like that - "I can't be friends with you right now" - as a very, very gentle version of the classic "I hate you, don't leave me" BPD line.  I don't think there is anger or hate on my ex's end, but rather remorse and sadness.  She wants to be my friend, but then that would unravel her current relationship, a relationship she has been in for two months and created a nice foundation with - coworkers, friends, his family, etc.  That's the core of her disorder - she can't be with me, but there is no adequate reason why she can't.  She just can't. 

I have a feeling that enough has been planted throughout the conversations and such, plus the events mentioned in this thread to make her second guess her relationship with my replacement.  I don't think she passive aggressively e-mails me if she's happy with him and her current group of friends.  "I felt sad about not being involved" is not something you say to an ex if you are happy with your new person, right?

[Suzn]

"I felt sad about not being involved" is not something you say to an ex if you are happy with your new person, right?

I think a person can feel both at the same time. Not the same moment but still. She's disappointed, as anyone might be, remembering good times with friends and you. I'm not saying this is what she feels, we have no idea for certain, just that it's possible.

I just wonder what will happen the next time they have a fight, or he doesn't do exactly what she wants. 

Why?

Let's say they fight and she emails you, what will you do? Let's say they break up, what will you do?

[4Years5Months]

If they fight and she e-mails me, she won't mention that they fought until well into the conversation.  But when she does, I'll listen to her (as a friend) and instead of giving direct advice, I'll active listen and let her own the problem.  One of the things my therapist has been telling me to do is not jump into a problem when someone presents one, but rather lead THEM to a decision.  This is quite the sharp contrast to how I've done it with my ex, of course.

In our recent conversations, she will briefly mention a problem (work, life, and yes, a fight with my replacement) but will always stop after a sentence or two and say "It's not your problem so I won't go into it."  I'm shocked she doesn't with me, considering I would hear when she was out of peanut butter when we were together.

If they broke up?  I would silently pump my fist in elation, knowing all along it wouldn't work out.  Hey, I'm being honest.  But I guess the question is would I allow myself to be recycled?  No.  As I've said, there is no possible way she won't leave me again.  I'm fine with her as a friend, and if she pushes me away in that regard, then it's much less painful than having the girl you thought you would marry do it to you.

But she won't break up with him without having a replacement solidly in place first.  And I doubt he will break up with her, considering he was dumped by his wife and orbited around her as a victim too until she jumped in.  That's why I'm saying a recycle attempt is looming. 

[4Years5Months]

I talked to one of our mutual friends tonight and told him my ex gave a sincere apology and it impressed me.  He chuckled and voluntarily told me I should be glad she isn't dating me anymore, as she "is such a mess."  I asked him to elaborate, and he said she's regularly going to, checking in on Facebook, and taking photos at downtown restaurants and cafe's, but yet posted last week that her power was shut off and she has 17 cents in her bank account.  He said he laughs at her Facebook all the time because she will complain about being broke, then the next day take a photo of some $40 entree at a high end downtown establishment.

I can't tell you how much that behavior resembles her mother, who is my ex times about 50, BPD and behavior wise.  She would be two months behind on rent (my ex lives with her) and she would go out almost every night, all dressed up.  Living outside your means.  I guess that's where the impulsive nature of a BPDer kicks in.  I had to constantly reel her in when we dated - she always wanted to "go out" somewhere "nice" - I told her I liked having money.  Well, now she's with a yes-man who will do anything she wants.  Well, good luck to both of them, I guess.

Sorry, I just had to mention that here.