Forgiveness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors.  

We forgive someone for us, not for them.

Forgiveness is an action, and the act of forgiving is letting go of what you feel another owes you.

Forgiveness is optional too, and the best revenge is a life well lived.  It's all about what feels best and gives us the most peace in our own heads and hearts.

This whole forgiveness this, I agree, is for us. I've been SUPER angry at my ex, and I've cried over her more times than I can count. I've forgiven her too and taken it back. 

Thinking about it though, In my entire life, I've never had anyone forgive me for anything. NONE WHATSOEVER!  Does this mean I've never been in the wrong?  Well, If I forgive my BPD, in her eyes do I look as guilty to her as she does to me too?  I agree that we all screw up in life.  Every step we take can be scrutinized... .right?

When I was a young teen, I worked for a great guy, He was older and wiser than most, plus he's been thru hell.  He must be long gone by now and this was probably in the late 60's. He told me something that I've never ever ever forgotten.  He said:  "M, you don't excuse a hog from grunting."  Use it as you will, but it's actually an eye opening statement.

[DyingLove]

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors.  

We forgive someone for us, not for them.

Forgiveness is an action, and the act of forgiving is letting go of what you feel another owes you.

Forgiveness is optional too, and the best revenge is a life well lived.  It's all about what feels best and gives us the most peace in our own heads and hearts.

This whole forgiveness this, I agree, is for us. I've been SUPER angry at my ex, and I've cried over her more times than I can count. I've forgiven her too and taken it back. 

Thinking about it though, In my entire life, I've never had anyone forgive me for anything. NONE WHATSOEVER!  Does this mean I've never been in the wrong?  Well, If I forgive my BPD, in her eyes do I look as guilty to her as she does to me too?  I agree that we all screw up in life.  Every step we take can be scrutinized... .right?

When I was a young teen, I worked for a great guy, He was older and wiser than most, plus he's been thru hell.  He must be long gone by now and this was probably in the late 60's. He told me something that I've never ever ever forgotten.  He said:  "M, you don't excuse a hog from grunting."  Use it as you will, but it's actually an eye opening statement.

[fromheeltoheal]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

That's one way to look at it dobie, and does forgiveness need to have anything to do with her?

Any forgiveness is for you Dobie and you don't need to tell her anything about it. I know you're still in a painful part of the healing and I was there for 4 months or so, I can not tell you the relief you feel when you stop looking at her and start to look at your part in it. Why? Because when u r with a BPD you can't control anything, she controlled almost everything about my life and nothing made sense! When you focus on yourself you finally have the chance to take control. You can never control her beliefs or change what she did and being stuck on her just creates more pain. Turn the power onto you and forgive yourself - it's really not about forgiving her

AMEN! 

Was that agreement or gender commentary jhk?  Maybe a little of both?

[Mutt]

Trog,

My friend the worst part was after 37 I had finnaly found someone to "hear my voice" that she could then shut the door on me and leave me alone to scream in silence is something I can't forgive .

Hi dobie,

I can see how abandonment would be hard. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I felt like my ex partner was a person that was not going to leave or abandon me. I felt like she heard my voice as well and abandonment was a theme in my life, I'm an adoptee, my bilogical mother abandoned me, my adoptive mother passed, my narcissistic father threw me out and I didn't think at the time that I would survive yet another abandonment and this time my wife. I was very angry having had been triangulated with another man in the picture and my voice was silenced.

I wanted peace more than becoming bitter from my anger. My ex partner fears abandonment perceived or real, I fear abandonment as well and I don't think there's a way that I would of known when the trigger was going to happen or not. She fears intimacy and if I really take the marriage in it's true context, the writing was on the wall. It was a bad marriage. Take my lessons from my errors and apply them in the next relationship. Ny dad was invalidating caretaker and I didn't know better, a pwBPD are very sensitive, I learned how important validation and communication is in I ter-personal relationships and people in general.

[cosmonaut]

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors. 

How exactly do you separate these two, though?  They are inherently linked.  The behaviors of BPD are driven by the disorder.  That's how it manifests itself.  It's otherwise a disorder without symptoms.  BPD is the total package.  If we really accept that our ex has BPD, then we accept that their treatment of us was driven by their disorder.  This is not easy to do, but it is necessary for true acceptance.  We can't maintain this idea that pwBPD are people who are deeply disordered, but somehow capable of controlling all their behaviors.  That is the definition of recovery, and most of our exes are nowhere near that.

Forgiveness isn't always easy.  Sometimes it can be very hard.  It can take time.  You mentioned in another thread, AO, that you are asking God to help you right now.  Trust in Him!  Pray for guidance.  He will show you the way.  Forgive as Jesus forgives.  Even on the cross He forgave those who crucified Him!  Forgive your ex simply because she is human, and imperfect in an imperfect world.  Because she is sick and she struggles and she fails.  She hurts the people she most loves, and she terribly hurts herself too.  Forgive her for the very heavy cross she has been given to bare in life.  Forgive her, because she knows not what she does.  Jesus tells us that "But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48).

Edit:  AO, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.  I'd be happy to listen to you and help if I can.  I know this is hard.

[dobie]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

That's one way to look at it dobie, and does forgiveness need to have anything to do with her?

Any forgiveness is for you Dobie and you don't need to tell her anything about it. I know you're still in a painful part of the healing and I was there for 4 months or so, I can not tell you the relief you feel when you stop looking at her and start to look at your part in it. Why? Because when u r with a BPD you can't control anything, she controlled almost everything about my life and nothing made sense! When you focus on yourself you finally have the chance to take control. You can never control her beliefs or change what she did and being stuck on her just creates more pain. Turn the power onto you and forgive yourself - it's really not about forgiving her

Trog,

My friend the worst part was after 37 I had finnaly found someone to "hear my voice" that she could then shut the door on me and leave me alone to scream in silence is something I can't forgive .

Anger is exhausting so is hate indifference is where I'm heading but forgiveness no never ever not after all she has done maybe one day I can and will but for now I'm shooting for indifference .

Hey dobie-

So what if everything you've been through with your ex was supposed to happen, so that you could grow to the point where you meet someone who can hear you well and is capable and willing to create a sustainable relationship with you?  You won't meet her in a state of anger and resentment, or if you do you'll turn her off, but that's OK, anger is a stage that must be gone through; there is no around, over or under, the only way out is through.  I like your goal of indifference, indifference towards your ex yes, but inner peace for you, to take out into the world, available for bonding with someone who hears you load and clear.

Perhaps my friend but let me show you a side to her ... .She earns around a 150k a year sterling when she broke up with me she wanted to charge and backdate all the times she had paid for my disabled fathers phone bill around £20 a month luckily I had been paying it for years and the only reason I ever suggested she did was as a form of charity for her as my faith requires acts as well as belief

This same person weeks before asked if she could still visit him after the BU

Her selfishness is truly astounding pd or not she is an evil creature who serves Satan in my opinion .

She even had the cheek to tell me "what a good person she is "

In fact writing this out shows again the issues lay with me now , no normal healthy

person could miss or pine for such a creature

[dobie]

Trog,

My friend the worst part was after 37 I had finnaly found someone to "hear my voice" that she could then shut the door on me and leave me alone to scream in silence is something I can't forgive .

Hi dobie,

I can see how abandonment would be hard. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I felt like my ex partner was a person that was not going to leave or abandon me. I felt like she heard my voice as well and abandonment was a theme in my life, I'm an adoptee, my bilogical mother abandoned me, my adoptive mother passed, my narcissistic father threw me out and I didn't think at the time that I would survive yet another abandonment and this time my wife. I was very angry having had been triangulated with another man in the picture and my voice was silenced.

I wanted peace more than becoming bitter from my anger. My ex partner fears abandonment perceived or real, I fear abandonment as well and I don't think there's a way that I would of known when the trigger was going to happen or not. She fears intimacy and if I really take the marriage in it's true context, the writing was on the wall. It was a bad marriage. Take my lessons from my errors and apply them in the next relationship. Ny dad was invalidating caretaker and I didn't know better, a pwBPD are very sensitive, I learned how important validation and communication is in I ter-personal relationships and people in general.

Mutt ,

Thanks for sharing I'm sorry to hear how hard your childhood must have been , its awesome and a testament to you that you have managed to grow and flourish from so much pain .

I hope I can as well 

[Irish Pride]

This is the rub. Once you figured out you have caretaker tendencies or are a codependent and then you continue to go into relationship after relationship repeating the same patterns then, im sorry, you have to shoulder some of the blame.

If i now go into another relationship, after all this pain and soul searching and pick another mentally ill person and act out my dysfunction again, then really i have not learnt the lesson handed down. I really do not believe I can make this mistake again, not now, 2 months ago yes.

A BPD person rarely, even after soul destroying painful relationship, rarely looks inwards and has the power to address their pathology and make changes. It's always someone else's fault. Period. That's why Nons are the 'lucky' ones. We get to grow, they are stuck at 30 months emotionally

Exactly. But, to be fair, it took me my entire life to finally figure out the disorder I have. And I'm not exactly stupid.

I'll take it one further. I, to a degree, blamed HER for what happened in the relationship, the degradation of it and the many breakups/recycles. All along ignorant to MY part in the whole thing, not digging into myself to see what part I played in this toxic relationship. I'm not BPD, but I can completely see where they're coming from. I know how easy it is to be ignorant to your own disorder. I have been for a long time. I feel so bad for her, and others out there with this problem.

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors.  

How exactly do you separate these two, though?  They are inherently linked.  The behaviors of BPD are driven by the disorder.  That's how it manifests itself.  It's otherwise a disorder without symptoms.  BPD is the total package.  If we really accept that our ex has BPD, then we accept that their treatment of us was driven by their disorder.  This is not easy to do, but it is necessary for true acceptance.  We can't maintain this idea that pwBPD are people who are deeply disordered, but somehow capable of controlling all their behaviors.  That is the definition of recovery, and most of our exes are nowhere near that.

Absolutely agree w/cosmonaut. Acceptance of not only their situation, but your own, is key. My disorder drove my behavior. And moving 1500 miles away from everything you've ever known, and loved, for a woman... .yeah. I can safely say my disorder was all by itself in the pilot seat of my life. As it is in theirs. It's an absolute horror show. But you can't control what they, or anyone else, does. I only hope that I somehow planted a seed in her mind that will one day grow by confronting her about her disorder. I hope she finds true happiness, someday. And that's the best you can do for your BPDx. Hope for them and forgive them. It's the best you can do for you, too.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors. 

How exactly do you separate these two, though?  They are inherently linked.  The behaviors of BPD are driven by the disorder.  That's how it manifests itself.  It's otherwise a disorder without symptoms.  BPD is the total package.  If we really accept that our ex has BPD, then we accept that their treatment of us was driven by their disorder.  This is not easy to do, but it is necessary for true acceptance.  We can't maintain this idea that pwBPD are people who are deeply disordered, but somehow capable of controlling all their behaviors.  That is the definition of recovery, and most of our exes are nowhere near that.

Really, it's not difficult to separate someone from their behaviors; who someone is, is their identity, what they do are their behaviors, and of course they're linked, linked but separate.  And it's up to us to decide if the behaviors toward us are acceptable or not, and if they're not, we have the choice of separating ourselves from the person exhibiting them.  And then, once the emotional fallout of the effect the behaviors had on us dissipates, it becomes easier to separate our ex from their behaviors, and easier to consider the behaviors unacceptable and therefore unwelcome in our lives, while also having compassion for someone who has a disorder they didn't want, can't cure, are not responsible for, and makes their life a living hell.

I'm not being contentious, I'm just telling the truth, and I can totally relate to mindsets here; after I left my ex I wanted to kill her, literally, and had I been anywhere near her then I'd be in jail now, no question, but I'm here to tell you that mindset will pass if we want it to, and not letting it pass will just make us older and more bitter, so healing is a better option, and it takes what it takes.

Forgiveness isn't always easy. 

No, it isn't, and how hard it is is proportional to the severity of the trespasses against us, but what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if there's a bright future on the other side of forgiving someone; would it be worth it?

[Trog]

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors.  

We forgive someone for us, not for them.

Forgiveness is an action, and the act of forgiving is letting go of what you feel another owes you.

Forgiveness is optional too, and the best revenge is a life well lived.  It's all about what feels best and gives us the most peace in our own heads and hearts.

This whole forgiveness this, I agree, is for us. I've been SUPER angry at my ex, and I've cried over her more times than I can count. I've forgiven her too and taken it back. 

Thinking about it though, In my entire life, I've never had anyone forgive me for anything. NONE WHATSOEVER!  Does this mean I've never been in the wrong?  Well, If I forgive my BPD, in her eyes do I look as guilty to her as she does to me too?  I agree that we all screw up in life.  Every step we take can be scrutinized... .right?

When I was a young teen, I worked for a great guy, He was older and wiser than most, plus he's been thru hell.  He must be long gone by now and this was probably in the late 60's. He told me something that I've never ever ever forgotten.  He said:  "M, you don't excuse a hog from grunting."  Use it as you will, but it's actually an eye opening statement.

How do you know no one has ever forgiven you? I won't be running to my ex to tell her so.

I hurt a prior ex a lot, she doesn't speak to me, I assume she must have forgiven me as we've been apart for 7 years and it would be awful for her if she's carrying it around.

I've been furious with bosses, with my father, with friends, I don't tell them I forgive them but I have.

[DyingLove]

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors.  

We forgive someone for us, not for them.

Forgiveness is an action, and the act of forgiving is letting go of what you feel another owes you.

Forgiveness is optional too, and the best revenge is a life well lived.  It's all about what feels best and gives us the most peace in our own heads and hearts.

This whole forgiveness this, I agree, is for us. I've been SUPER angry at my ex, and I've cried over her more times than I can count. I've forgiven her too and taken it back. 

Thinking about it though, In my entire life, I've never had anyone forgive me for anything. NONE WHATSOEVER!  Does this mean I've never been in the wrong?  Well, If I forgive my BPD, in her eyes do I look as guilty to her as she does to me too?  I agree that we all screw up in life.  Every step we take can be scrutinized... .right?

When I was a young teen, I worked for a great guy, He was older and wiser than most, plus he's been thru hell.  He must be long gone by now and this was probably in the late 60's. He told me something that I've never ever ever forgotten.  He said:  "M, you don't excuse a hog from grunting."  Use it as you will, but it's actually an eye opening statement.

How do you know no one has ever forgiven you? I won't be running to my ex to tell her so.

I hurt a prior ex a lot, she doesn't speak to me, I assume she must have forgiven me as we've been apart for 7 years and it would be awful for her if she's carrying it around.

I've been furious with bosses, with my father, with friends, I don't tell them I forgive them but I have.

Trog, I was thinking face to face forgiveness and honestly thank you for pointing that out, because I am wrong about assuming that.  Point taken and thoughts adjusted. Gotta be honest with myself even in the small details that I overlook. I always say: what else don't I know.

[jhkbuzz]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

That's one way to look at it dobie, and does forgiveness need to have anything to do with her?

Any forgiveness is for you Dobie and you don't need to tell her anything about it. I know you're still in a painful part of the healing and I was there for 4 months or so, I can not tell you the relief you feel when you stop looking at her and start to look at your part in it. Why? Because when u r with a BPD you can't control anything, she controlled almost everything about my life and nothing made sense! When you focus on yourself you finally have the chance to take control. You can never control her beliefs or change what she did and being stuck on her just creates more pain. Turn the power onto you and forgive yourself - it's really not about forgiving her

AMEN!  

Was that agreement or gender commentary jhk?  Maybe a little of both?

Not a gender commentary; agreement and an emphasis on the second syllable for dramatic effect!

(apparently it didn't come across the way I wanted it to!)

[Trog]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

That's one way to look at it dobie, and does forgiveness need to have anything to do with her?

Any forgiveness is for you Dobie and you don't need to tell her anything about it. I know you're still in a painful part of the healing and I was there for 4 months or so, I can not tell you the relief you feel when you stop looking at her and start to look at your part in it. Why? Because when u r with a BPD you can't control anything, she controlled almost everything about my life and nothing made sense! When you focus on yourself you finally have the chance to take control. You can never control her beliefs or change what she did and being stuck on her just creates more pain. Turn the power onto you and forgive yourself - it's really not about forgiving her

Trog,

My friend the worst part was after 37 I had finnaly found someone to "hear my voice" that she could then shut the door on me and leave me alone to scream in silence is something I can't forgive .

Anger is exhausting so is hate indifference is where I'm heading but forgiveness no never ever not after all she has done maybe one day I can and will but for now I'm shooting for indifference .

Hey Dobie,

You know I am very sympathetic towards you and everyone here because I remember this pain and I also still get pangs from time to time esp late at night. But I once heard someone explain this to a spiritual teacher who told her something really harsh. So I'm going to say it but know I say it with care. But this sentence, the first one, it's a story, a story you are clinging too. I don't say it's not how you truly feel, I believe you completely, but it's an interpretation that you are seeing right now. I guarantee you, with time, this analysis of what happened will change and be fluid. I know it hurts like crazy, but it doesn't help you when you focus on her and a negative story. I assure you, even though you won't believe me now, but the story will change, how you interpret this relationship and it's part in your timeline will change.

This is great news. I am not invalidating your feelings today, you feel this I know it.

Imagine yourself a year from now, with a new girlfriend, one who is truly listening to you and would not abandon you or tally up costs!,  that you are able to attract only because you have worked thru all these issues that your exes BPD has brought up in you.

We always have to get thru what we are going thru today in order to get to the places we are going. It's best to think of something none emotional  like your career or education for example, all you've learnt has brought you here, not knowing that stuff... .You couldn't do your job. The same is true with us learning and moving past our caretaking/codependency.

I hope you take this as a hopeful comment. It's my hope too. My ex rode me for years, when I came out I was a shadow of myself, I didn't even know what. I liked or thought anymore (seriously). Now I am doing things I could never have done before she screwed me over... .Ahhh... .I mean... .Taught me a valuable lesson   . I live in a beautiful country, on Thursday I've got a date with a young woman and on Sunday I'm going on my first yacht sailing course! Believe me, this is progress and like it or not... .It's coming for you too

[fromheeltoheal]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

That's one way to look at it dobie, and does forgiveness need to have anything to do with her?

Any forgiveness is for you Dobie and you don't need to tell her anything about it. I know you're still in a painful part of the healing and I was there for 4 months or so, I can not tell you the relief you feel when you stop looking at her and start to look at your part in it. Why? Because when u r with a BPD you can't control anything, she controlled almost everything about my life and nothing made sense! When you focus on yourself you finally have the chance to take control. You can never control her beliefs or change what she did and being stuck on her just creates more pain. Turn the power onto you and forgive yourself - it's really not about forgiving her

AMEN!  

Was that agreement or gender commentary jhk?  Maybe a little of both?

Not a gender commentary; agreement and an emphasis on the second syllable for dramatic effect!

(apparently it didn't come across the way I wanted it to!)

It came across a couple of ways, kinda cool, and funny in a way, but your intent is clear now.  Hallelujah too!

[dobie]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

That's one way to look at it dobie, and does forgiveness need to have anything to do with her?

Any forgiveness is for you Dobie and you don't need to tell her anything about it. I know you're still in a painful part of the healing and I was there for 4 months or so, I can not tell you the relief you feel when you stop looking at her and start to look at your part in it. Why? Because when u r with a BPD you can't control anything, she controlled almost everything about my life and nothing made sense! When you focus on yourself you finally have the chance to take control. You can never control her beliefs or change what she did and being stuck on her just creates more pain. Turn the power onto you and forgive yourself - it's really not about forgiving her

Trog,

My friend the worst part was after 37 I had finnaly found someone to "hear my voice" that she could then shut the door on me and leave me alone to scream in silence is something I can't forgive .

Anger is exhausting so is hate indifference is where I'm heading but forgiveness no never ever not after all she has done maybe one day I can and will but for now I'm shooting for indifference .

Hey Dobie,

You know I am very sympathetic towards you and everyone here because I remember this pain and I also still get pangs from time to time esp late at night. But I once heard someone explain this to a spiritual teacher who told her something really harsh. So I'm going to say it but know I say it with care. But this sentence, the first one, it's a story, a story you are clinging too. I don't say it's not how you truly feel, I believe you completely, but it's an interpretation that you are seeing right now. I guarantee you, with time, this analysis of what happened will change and be fluid. I know it hurts like crazy, but it doesn't help you when you focus on her and a negative story. I assure you, even though you won't believe me now, but the story will change, how you interpret this relationship and it's part in your timeline will change.

This is great news. I am not invalidating your feelings today, you feel this I know it.

Imagine yourself a year from now, with a new girlfriend, one who is truly listening to you and would not abandon you or tally up costs!,  that you are able to attract only because you have worked thru all these issues that your exes BPD has brought up in you.

We always have to get thru what we are going thru today in order to get to the places we are going. It's best to think of something none emotional  like your career or education for example, all you've learnt has brought you here, not knowing that stuff... .You couldn't do your job. The same is true with us learning and moving past our caretaking/codependency.

I hope you take this as a hopeful comment. It's my hope too. My ex rode me for years, when I came out I was a shadow of myself, I didn't even know what. I liked or thought anymore (seriously). Now I am doing things I could never have done before she screwed me over... .Ahhh... .I mean... .Taught me a valuable lesson   . I live in a beautiful country, on Thursday I've got a date with a young woman and on Sunday I'm going on my first yacht sailing course! Believe me, this is progress and like it or not... .It's coming for you too

Thanks Trog your a good man and I'm truly happy for you that you have got to the other side .

One day I hope to be there too and hopefully I will be able to look back and see the bigger picture and in that moment forgive and forget  

[Trog]

This is the rub. Once you figured out you have caretaker tendencies or are a codependent and then you continue to go into relationship after relationship repeating the same patterns then, im sorry, you have to shoulder some of the blame.

If i now go into another relationship, after all this pain and soul searching and pick another mentally ill person and act out my dysfunction again, then really i have not learnt the lesson handed down. I really do not believe I can make this mistake again, not now, 2 months ago yes.

A BPD person rarely, even after soul destroying painful relationship, rarely looks inwards and has the power to address their pathology and make changes. It's always someone else's fault. Period. That's why Nons are the 'lucky' ones. We get to grow, they are stuck at 30 months emotionally

Exactly. But, to be fair, it took me my entire life to finally figure out the disorder I have. And I'm not exactly stupid.

I'll take it one further. I, to a degree, blamed HER for what happened in the relationship, the degradation of it and the many breakups/recycles. All along ignorant to MY part in the whole thing, not digging into myself to see what part I played in this toxic relationship. I'm not BPD, but I can completely see where they're coming from. I know how easy it is to be ignorant to your own disorder. I have been for a long time. I feel so bad for her, and others out there with this problem.

Borderlines are not responsible for their disorder but they are responsible for their behaviors.  

How exactly do you separate these two, though?  They are inherently linked.  The behaviors of BPD are driven by the disorder.  That's how it manifests itself.  It's otherwise a disorder without symptoms.  BPD is the total package.  If we really accept that our ex has BPD, then we accept that their treatment of us was driven by their disorder.  This is not easy to do, but it is necessary for true acceptance.  We can't maintain this idea that pwBPD are people who are deeply disordered, but somehow capable of controlling all their behaviors.  That is the definition of recovery, and most of our exes are nowhere near that.

Absolutely agree w/cosmonaut. Acceptance of not only their situation, but your own, is key. My disorder drove my behavior. And moving 1500 miles away from everything you've ever known, and loved, for a woman... .yeah. I can safely say my disorder was all by itself in the pilot seat of my life. As it is in theirs. It's an absolute horror show. But you can't control what they, or anyone else, does. I only hope that I somehow planted a seed in her mind that will one day grow by confronting her about her disorder. I hope she finds true happiness, someday. And that's the best you can do for your BPDx. Hope for them and forgive them. It's the best you can do for you, too.

Took me my entire life too. AND three recycles.

*wears special hat*

Me with all my edu-ma-cation too! Durrrrrr.

But even at 35, better late than never!

[UserName69]

Forgiveness is for people who ask , she does not deserve forgiveness because she thinks her behaviours are justified and acceptable and will continue to treat others that way . by my forgiving her I am saying there is no consequences or need to atone for your behaviours .

God forgives when we ask if she wants mine she can ask as she does not I'm not going to.

I need to forgive myself first for allowing myself to be used and treated like that

Makes perfect sense! Indeed they don't deserve it because they are aware of what they're doing. When they're done playing with you they're going to do the same with an another person. Even if they know that they're wrong they'll never admit it and will play the victim card. That's how my ex is, they can't be fixed.

I really understand what you mean about forgiving yourself. I was very good for my ex, I really did my best for her I loved her so much and I never ever took advantage of her. She didn't even invite me to her bday party while I supposed to be her bf. For me that's was the end, why should I even stay with her if I get a girl that knows the value of true friendship/relation. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to forgive her. I really hate her even if she was in serious trouble I wouldn't help her I feel like she has betrayed me. I know many people her on this board can relate to this.

You don't need to put yourself in that situation. You did your best, you gave everything you had. She isn't worth it, let her be that person that she want's to be, she will never become a happy person. Soon or late she's going to get the final bill and pay up for all the bad things she has done to people.

[AwakenedOne]

I would like to thank you all for taking time out to respond, share your stories, offer opinions or give advice. Each comment posted has been very helpful and appreciated.

Thank you much,

AO

[apollotech]

In general terms, we are all on a journey. Not a one of us knows what or who will meet us over the hill or around the bend. We all walk our respective paths as best we can with the tools that we are given, broken, as we all are. I try to remember that when someone commits a transgression against me.

Forgiveness from me tells the transgressor (if I am removing the transgressor from my life as well) that he/she and his/her transgression(s) no longer have influence in my life. I am now barren ground to them (if being removed) and their transgression(s). Their debt is canceled; it is no longer a part of my accounting (That is the Biblical concept of forgiveness.). It places him/her (if being removed) and said transgression(s) behind me. In essence it is a decision that you make for yourself about your future.

[AwakenedOne]

I would like to add something to this thread now. (10:38 pm 6/29/15)

I am finally going to try with all my heart to forgive her. Even after posting this thread a couple weeks ago and getting input and advice from others I have only just thought about it all because it still seemed impossible for me to do. I am really tired of carrying this around. It's only hurting me. I have resentment and anger that I would like to be gone also and the only way I see to remove it is through forgiveness. Although my negative emotions toward her are at very low levels I want them to be gone.

I am asking God to help me forgive.

[once removed]

good for you awakenedone!

you got all kinds of great feedback in this thread, and i can only echo it. if i have anything to add, its that forgiveness can take time. it can take hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades. its all part of the process and it isnt easy. im glad youre ready. i prayed about it too, and this step, as i believe its been suggested in the replies, is a really great tool.

[myself]

Forgiving ourselves is another good way of creating acceptance.

[cosmonaut]

I would like to add something to this thread now. (10:38 pm 6/29/15)

I am finally going to try with all my heart to forgive her. Even after posting this thread a couple weeks ago and getting input and advice from others I have only just thought about it all because it still seemed impossible for me to do. I am really tired of carrying this around. It's only hurting me. I have resentment and anger that I would like to be gone also and the only way I see to remove it is through forgiveness. Although my negative emotions toward her are at very low levels I want them to be gone.

I am asking God to help me forgive.

This is a massive step, AO.  I'm really proud of you, and I know this has been an extremely difficult journey.  You've overcome an awful lot, my man.  Keep going and keep praying.  Forgiveness and healing will come.