Hair of the (BPD) dog that bit you?

[cosmonaut]

We definitely share something, there is no doubt about that. Emotional intensity and an affinity for this overwhelming, self consuming, too good to be true passion is one for sure.

And the connection does work for both of us short term, absolutely.

If everything is going so well with your system, then what brings you here, Zeus?

[ZeusRLX]

2. Whether it's a drug, work, exercise, r/s or other type of addiction, if you keep going back to something even though there is trauma and it adversely affects your life, then you are addicted.  Purposely choosing BPD dates is like a drug addict saying "if I just get one more hit or just some small hits I'll feel better and then get clean".  Good luck on that one... .

3. What are the risks with intentionally seeking BPD dates to help you lesson your hangover from your previous BPD r/s?  You may find out your co-dependent, white knight personality can't resist diving back in deep.  Another may be that you "f up" and end up with a lifetime tie to this intended short lived BPD r/s (pregnancy, STD, etc.).  Even more so, you just keep spinning while you choose to be with dates or partners that can't function in a healthy, reciprocating love r/s.  

That may all sound "preachy", but I think I would be fooling myself and anyone here on this board would be fooling themselves by thinking it would be wise or ok to go back to the "hair of the dog that bit you".  I can't go there... .

As far as wise or okay, people are different and have different goals and I think what doesnt work for one person could work for another... .

I think the point Fanny was trying to make is... .What if there is no trauma anymore?

Tha applies to me.

I just lost the love of my life, Im not even upset, much less traumatized. My last relationship was good for a few months and I wasnt left broken in the end so even though it didnt work out... .Im happy. It was worth it for me personally.

[FannyB]

Things changed radically r/s wise for me at that point.

Hi Madison - thanks for sharing your experience. Did the BPD wild child relationship help you to face the facts in some way though i.e. was it of some use in the healing process?

Cheers


Fanny

[Mutt]

Hi FannyB,

Are you flirting with the idea of finding another pwBPD for healing or otherwise?

[ZeusRLX]

Things changed radically r/s wise for me at that point.

Hi Madison - thanks for sharing your experience. Did the BPD wild child relationship help you to face the facts in some way though i.e. was it of some use in the healing process?

Cheers

Fanny

Yeah... .I don't know if I could switch this fast when I was obsessed with my first one... .

But on the other hand, once I met another woman and things were very similar... .I realized the first one was not "the love of my life".

There are plenty of "loves of my life" walking around out there. And I think realizing that was healing for me.

[FannyB]

Hi FannyB,

Are you flirting with the idea of finding another pwBPD for healing or otherwise?

Hi Mutt

No, I've got my issues but I'm generally fine! There is an inquisitive side of me though that wonders how I'd interact in a borderline relationship armed with the knowledge I have now.   Also, as I referenced earlier, sometimes a shock to the system can jolt us out of a mental malaise and I just wondered whether there was any merit in this theory.

Cheers

Fanny

[Madison66]

2. Whether it's a drug, work, exercise, r/s or other type of addiction, if you keep going back to something even though there is trauma and it adversely affects your life, then you are addicted.  Purposely choosing BPD dates is like a drug addict saying "if I just get one more hit or just some small hits I'll feel better and then get clean".  Good luck on that one... .

3. What are the risks with intentionally seeking BPD dates to help you lesson your hangover from your previous BPD r/s?  You may find out your co-dependent, white knight personality can't resist diving back in deep.  Another may be that you "f up" and end up with a lifetime tie to this intended short lived BPD r/s (pregnancy, STD, etc.).  Even more so, you just keep spinning while you choose to be with dates or partners that can't function in a healthy, reciprocating love r/s.  

That may all sound "preachy", but I think I would be fooling myself and anyone here on this board would be fooling themselves by thinking it would be wise or ok to go back to the "hair of the dog that bit you".  I can't go there... .

As far as wise or okay, people are different and have different goals and I think what doesnt work for one person could work for another... .

I think the point Fanny was trying to make is... .What if there is no trauma anymore?

Tha applies to me.

I just lost the love of my life, Im not even upset, much less traumatized. My last relationship was good for a few months and I wasnt left broken in the end so even though it didnt work out... .Im happy. It was worth it for me personally.

If there is no trauma anymore, then why are you here?  I came here for help deal with the pain and trauma of a very confusing r/s.  I also came here to help with my recovery and detachment, and further to keep my awareness of co-dependent and potential r/s addiction issues that contributed to me getting into a r/s and staying in a r/s with someone w/ strong BPD and NPD traits.  I made mistakes during my recovery like jumping into a short r/s with another pw/PD.  I didn't intend to do this and it wasn't a conscious choice in order to stop the lingering pain of my previous r/s.  It did IMO, however, interrupt the work I was doing on myself and slowed my recover/detachment.  It was too risky and looking back, I wouldn't repeat it.  When I got back to looking inward, I was able to move forward.  Again, I see it as a mistake that I've forgiven myself for rather than a needed step to recover and detach.

[Mutt]

Hi FannyB,

Are you flirting with the idea of finding another pwBPD for healing or otherwise?

Hi Mutt

No, I've got my issues but I'm generally fine! There is an inquisitive side of me though that wonders how I'd interact in a borderline relationship armed with the knowledge I have now.  Also, as I referenced earlier, sometimes a shock to the system can jolt us out of a mental malaise and I just wondered whether there was any merit in this theory.

Cheers

Fanny

I agree it helps to gain knowledge and learn the traits and behaviors to depersonalize. To make sense of the experience that we went through and to ease our suffering.

You may be looking for a shock to the system to jolt you out of malaise.

I'm asking if you are simply curious or if you are rationalizing?

With the knowledge that you have gained and where you are in your scale for your healing process, you're not worried you may fall down the rabbit hole again and repeat the same patterns?

If you don't want a haircut, you don't hang out at the barber shop 

[ZeusRLX]

If there is no trauma anymore, then why are you here?  I came here for help deal with the pain and trauma of a very confusing r/s.  I also came here to help with my recovery and detachment, and further to keep my awareness of co-dependent and potential r/s addiction issues that contributed to me getting into a r/s and staying in a r/s with someone w/ strong BPD and NPD traits.  I made mistakes during my recovery like jumping into a short r/s with another pw/PD.  I didn't intend to do this and it wasn't a conscious choice in order to stop the lingering pain of my previous r/s.  It did IMO, however, interrupt the work I was doing on myself and slowed my recover/detachment.  It was too risky and looking back, I wouldn't repeat it.  When I got back to looking inward, I was able to move forward.  Again, I see it as a mistake that I've forgiven myself for rather than a needed step to recover and detach.

That's great.

As far as me, my motivations are:

1. Learn more about this complex, fascinating and contradictory disorder

2. Gain better insight into myself and my own actions

3. Meet people who have gone through/are going through the things I went through

4. Support others who are going through what I went through years ago (when it was still traumatic for me)

As far as jumping into a rebound with another PD disordered person... .yeah, I mean I think in many cases rebounds are not a good idea in general. And as far as personality disordered people, I agree, ideally it's something anyone would want to avoid.

And if you keep getting hurt by them then of course it's better to avoid them.

It's just that my experience is I have the best chemistry with BPD women... .don't know why that is. I certainly don't consciously seek them out but it just works out that way.

So what do you do? Settle for someone you have no chemistry with? Remain celibate for the rest of your life?

It's definitely a catch 22 but I don't think either celibacy nor settling are options for me at least for now... .

[FannyB]

With the knowledge that you have gained and where you are in your scale for your healing process, you're not worried you may fall down the rabbit hole again and repeat the same patterns?

Will never lower my guard like that again Mutt - though I can't guarantee that I won't traverse the BPD path again! Like Zeus, I've got history. 

[Mr Hollande]

My question is, if 6 months or more on you're still suffering from the 'hangover' of your failed BPD relationship, might a potential cure be another relationship with a pwBPD?

Just over a year out and not doing badly. For me I can give a resounding no to your question. I have become hyper aware to the point of shunning even friends and acquaintances who give off what I deem to be red flags. I'm beginning to suspect that my creativity has been closely linked with my interaction with disordered people which in the aftermath of this last failed relationship has hampered my ability to make music. Music was always my biggest passion but I have no creative spark anymore. The vague point I'm trying to make is that if my health and happiness pivots on the choice between creativity or no creativity I'm leaning towards accepting no creativity. It's not a small decision for someone with a semi professional career, band members and a record deal to make but I'd rather suffer the emptiness of not having music in my life than go through the pain of the last few years again. It's terrifying but I've been burned enough to where I've started to suspect I may not really have any other choice.

[once removed]

"My question is, if 6 months or more on you're still suffering from the 'hangover' of your failed BPD relationship, might a potential cure be another relationship with a pwBPD? "

fanny, i think youre really onto something, but speaking for me personally, my answer is a resounding no. none of my prior relationships had been healthy or ideal; possible pds at play, i really dont know. but when i decided id recovered from that, i decided "its time to date, even if shes crazy". that wasnt learning from my mistakes. it was repeating them. after my exuBPDgf i sought out two more unhealthy/wrong relationships.

so no. i frankly dont care if "normal seems boring". it will be different than what ive experienced. why not move my focus to "even if shes crazy" to "even if shes boring"? 

[Sunfl0wer]

Have we considered the risks?

I heard someone mention stalking.

Another post around here on another board is going to court for false allegations.

Sounds like inviting bad karma.

What are the other risks?

[once removed]

"Have we considered the risks?"

sometimes i feel im being hypersensitive or extreme about this, but at the end of the day, i dont think so. i literally consider death as a possibility, of ignoring my gut, when it comes to a person i dont trust. if thats what it takes, and i dont go applying it to everyone i meet, i dont see a lot wrong with it.

the risks are real with boundary busters, BPD or not.

edit: for example, i was never subject to physical abuse with my uBPDex, and its really, really difficult for me to imagine her engaging in it. on the other hand, she mentioned that shed struck the guy before me, in a story void of detail. i heard that she was violent toward a long time, female close friend of my replacement. so consider what age and more unstable relationships could do to an otherwise impulsive person prone to escalating, and you have a bad recipe.

[Sunfl0wer]

I agree once removed,  there are risks when dealing with persons who lack respect for boundaries... .BPD or no BPD.

You also bring up a good risk... .

The risk of self inflicted damage one may sustain by intentionally avoiding listening to their instincts.  Especially when that is a main area that many of us are trying to repair.  I'm not talking about "what could" occur, however, the actual act of ignoring your instinct for whatever cause/purpose... .what that does to your mind.

[once removed]

" I'm not talking about "what could" occur, however, the actual act of ignoring your instinct for whatever cause/purpose... .what that does to your mind."

thats probably a more practical and realistic risk than i was talking about. it certainly can cause fantasies and magical thinking, either about yourself and your abilities, or projected on a partner, or even friend.

even worse if youre not conscious of it. you may project the failure and surreality of repeated mistakes onto the opposite sex or people in general.

[FannyB]

Sunflower & Once removed

Thank you for your contributions. 

Before the thread is locked, I'd like to give my final thoughts:

1) Engaging with any high conflict individual is a high risk strategy, which could come back and 'bite you on the fanny' as you Americans like to say!

2) In extreme situations (as articulated by Zeus) it could work

3) It should only really be considered if all else fails and if the person in question has a sound knowledge of BPD and can establish firm boundaries from the off

If I find myself in this situation again, I will share my experiences with forum members.

Meanwhile, thanks for indulging my curiosity and contributing to a very illuminating discussion! 


Fanny

[enlighten me]

Ive been following this thread and a couple of thoughts spring to mind. Firstly did any of us know our exs where BPD. My exgf didnt start showing red flags until months into the relationship. With this being the case I find it hard to believe you can go out and just find a BPD for a quick fling.

Secondly do any of you think you are strong enough to risk this involvement?

Thirdly if your coming off heroine you dont get another hit from a different drug dealer and hope it wont get you addicted again.

I personally couldnt knowingly do it. I may have had one night stands when I was younger with a pwBPD but now I think my fight or flight reflex would kick in and I would run a mile.

[antelope]

jumping into another relationship, esp with another dysfunctional individual, only prolongs your internal psychological recovery

the problem with alcoholics isn't the alcohol -- its the underlying self-loathing, depression, anger etc... .alcohol is simply the manifestation of their unhappiness

you are ATTRACTED to this 'damsel in distress' prototype... .spend your time figuring out why

[Infared]

I'll give you my take after being 18 months out of a 3+ year r/s with a uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I had a couple short r/s experiences within the first 6 or months of the b/u.  One person (non PD), with whom I still friends with just happened at a time I wasn't ready for a r/s and she was.  I was totally straight with her and she was totally cool about it.  The second r/s (2 or 3 months) was with a "wild child" BPD (she admitted at the end) and I ignored many red flags!  She raged on me one day and I ran for the hills saying to myself "What the heck are you doing, dude?"  Things changed radically r/s wise for me at that point.  

Ok, so there are some things at play that many here may agree with:

1. It sounds like it would be an easy solution to missing someone, especially a BPDx, by replacing them with another pwBPD or short lived BPD r/s.  It also sounds like what my ex gf has been doing the last year and half with attempting to replace me with another non PD and co-dependent person.  What is the difference?

2. Whether it's a drug, work, exercise, r/s or other type of addiction, if you keep going back to something even though there is trauma and it adversely affects your life, then you are addicted.  Purposely choosing BPD dates is like a drug addict saying "if I just get one more hit or just some small hits I'll feel better and then get clean".  Good luck on that one... .

3. What are the risks with intentionally seeking BPD dates to help you lesson your hangover from your previous BPD r/s?  You may find out your co-dependent, white knight personality can't resist diving back in deep.  Another may be that you "f up" and end up with a lifetime tie to this intended short lived BPD r/s (pregnancy, STD, etc.).  Even more so, you just keep spinning while you choose to be with dates or partners that can't function in a healthy, reciprocating love r/s.  

That may all sound "preachy", but I think I would be fooling myself and anyone here on this board would be fooling themselves by thinking it would be wise or ok to go back to the "hair of the dog that bit you".  I can't go there... .

Um, yes, it would be like an alcoholic saying "hey, let's just stop in for one or two." Good luck with that.

[dobie]

Where the hell do you all specifically find all these BPD women ?

Is there some sort of pool they all drink at ? 

[FannyB]

Where the hell do you all specifically find all these BPD women ?

Is there some sort of pool they all drink at ? 

Hi Dobie

I hadn't gone so far in developing this theory as to outline how you might catch one, but here goes:

Register with PoF, and state in your profile how you are looking for your soul-mate to live happily ever after with. Also add that you like caring for sick animals.

Then wait for replies. That should do the trick! 

[maxen]

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