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Author Topic: How long has it been since your break up? How do you feel now?  (Read 682 times)
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« Reply #30 on: July 30, 2015, 06:19:59 PM »

How long has it been since the break up? On October 2nd it will be three years... .yikes!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

How do I feel now?  Finally let go of the anger. I'll never forgive him for what he did - but life is much better these days. For me, anyway. The ex? Not so much... .

His physical issues are catching up to him. One of his two best friends is very ill and isn't improving. He hates his job. Spends most of his time on Facebook posting worthless garbage. Has no hobbies or true interests. He has no sex life as the spouse cut him off years ago. And he still keeps tabs on me. I'm sure he's figured out that my life has been improving in so many ways since I was discarded. And it is infinitely better than his!  I know he's aware of it.

I guess that cliche about "Living Well is the Best Revenge" really rings true in my case. He would NEVER admit to anyone that he made a mistake by dumping me. Thus the need to create this image of a perfect life & marriage on Facebook. But I've seen cracks in the armor. I know that he's a phony. That what he posts on social media is just "image crafting". And the beauty of it is... .I no longer care! I just wish it hadn't taken me this long to get over him! 

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ReluctantSurvivor
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« Reply #31 on: July 30, 2015, 10:53:21 PM »



Informal Survey:

How long since your Break up?   One year

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Stronger, better, faster


A year ago I was a total wreck.  I went from engaged and planning a wedding to being told "I hate you!"  I couldn't sleep more than two hours a night for two months.  Those few hours were filled with nightmares.  About 6 weeks into that I went and spoke with a therapist.  It really helped.  Talking it through with a rational mind helped me realize that I had survived an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.  I was able to look at my own Family of Origin and look at my own issues that kept me in such a toxic r/s.  I joined a gym near my house and lost myself in exercise.  The feel good chemical released from it helped me make it out of the fog a little faster.  It also helped me to get in shape and  rebuild my absolutely shattered self confidence.  I look back on it as a really good learning experience.  It hurt more than anything in my life but all that pain was an opportunity to learn about myself.  It wasn't easy.  It took me over 6 months to start to let go and move on with my life.

I stayed away from dating until I felt my heart was in the clear, I didn't think it was ethical to rebound.  I have an absolutely awesome r/s going now with a very healthy woman who treats me with respect and compassion.  My dBPDex is working on boyfriend number six or so, I try not to pay her that much attention, it's a waste after you accept that crazy is crazy.  

Rarely, very rarely, I still get a moment of anger over it all but I have 99% accepted it.  It gets better.  In fact, the entire ordeal has helped me get to a better place than I have been in decades.  I haven't been this content with life since I was a carefree child.

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Angry obsessive thoughts about another weaken your state of mind and well being. If you must have revenge, then take it by choosing to be happy and let them go forever.
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« Reply #32 on: July 31, 2015, 02:50:53 AM »

How long? He broke up with me 11 times in 5 mos. This last break up - almost 6 weeks ago.

How do you feel? Resigned that nothing will ever work out b/c of his uBPD/NPD. However, as I know he is in a very bad place right now, I feel quite sad.
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« Reply #33 on: July 31, 2015, 05:31:28 PM »

How long since your Break up?   1 year, 4 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? I feel great now.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Once I stopped focusing so much energy and attention on my exBPDbf and instead turned that focus towards myself, the healing really began. I've been working on myself, and I haven't dated. I've been taking care of myself and getting to know myself. It's difficult, and painful at first - and sometimes still is - but now I have such a strong inner sense of contentment and peace, that it makes it easier to cope with the sad/hard bits. The way I think about myself and the world is different in a positive way.

Along the way, I've taken great strides and then stumbled backwards... .many times.   It's not a linear process, and you can't let yourself feel discouraged about perceived "setbacks." Look at them as opportunities to learn and grow, instead.

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself going NC sometimes.

 I know it's hard. I have a very difficult time with self-forgiveness, too. But you did the best thing for You, which is the most important thing. Also, you might take comfort in knowing that it's the best thing for your ex, too.

I believe knowledge of the reality of BPD, self awareness of the reasons why I fell for it and TIME are my best friends. Compassion - for my exBPDbf and for myself - is my goal. No idea if and when I’ll get there.

Once you have compassion for yourself, it's easier to have compassion for others - even those who have hurt or wronged us. Focus on You. You sound like you have a very good start, and a great understanding of what the healing/detachment process entails.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

realizing this, and that the disorder exists with or without us is a crucial stepping stone in creating the complete detachment from them... .it's from here that we can finally see our part in this dysfunctional dance, and all of the other dysfunctional dances in our histories... .we can finally heal and grow  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #34 on: August 02, 2015, 09:25:31 PM »

8 months for me.zero contact. Feel better and stronger each day. I still think about her and her kids. I hope each day that her parents and or  ex husband confront her about how this is affecting her kids.I think that would bring me some sort of closure.
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« Reply #35 on: August 02, 2015, 10:32:36 PM »

Officially called it quits a month ago after 3 months separation.  But for me, the detaching really began over a year before that with digging deep to work on myself including signing myself up for counseling because I felt I needed help to get over the anger and resentments I was holding.  Turns out I wasn't angry and resentful at him, but at myself for putting up with what I did for so long.  The separation was my way of working through whether or not we could make it in the long run (he was supposedly seeking help) and it turned out that I could no longer put myself in that position anymore and had to call it quits for good.

I feel so much better.  No more anxiety all the time, and I just feel free.  I am triggered sometimes but I understand it and won't allow it to control my life the way I used to.  I'm still working with my therapist who told me she is relieved I ended things as she was worrying for my physical safety.  No more.  I will nevr allow myself to be treated the way I did.  I now know what I'm worth and it isn't the hell I lived through for so long.
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« Reply #36 on: August 02, 2015, 11:37:07 PM »

How long since your Break up?  . In about a week,.it will be two years since she called us "done." Two weeks later, I think, I found out that she had a fall back lover she recently martied and is now the stepdad to my kids. I don't alienate them to him. I can't, though they look at him like some silly, funny guy, not like a SD that I can tell.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? She moved out a year ago the beginning of this February. I felt better, then worse, then better. It still cycles, being abandoned and living in the house I bought for my family (I was previously a nomad, eschewing anything that tied me down). I still get triggered and depressed, feelng it so wrong that when I have the kids, that their mom isn't there. I hate that i feel like this. I want nothing more than to count down the next 15 years when I never have to see or talk to her again. I can sell the house, and move out of state. Moving is no problem. Not talking is a pipe dream. There's college, kids getting married, and the like. I know that my countdown isn't healthy either. It's staying stuck, and not detaching.

Their mom called me last night. I was on the line with a friend so I let it go to voice mail. She wanted to drop something off for S5. I could see how she thought it was necessary, but it wasn't. She said, "you can call me," when it could have been a simple text. I don't know why she wanted to talk. I texted back later. She offered to stop by in the morning. I demurred, but she still tried. I explained some kid level psych to her (that S5 needed to start being responsible for not remembering to take things) and she finally accepted that. I said I could handle him if he had a meltdown, and he didn't.

I still don't know why she wanted to talk on the phone.
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« Reply #37 on: August 03, 2015, 03:49:53 AM »

How long since your Break up?  coming right up on four and a half years.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? night and day. full disclosure: it took somewhere between a year and two. at one year i was nearly there but kind of ironically celebrated the breakup anniversary and i remember feeling hung up on justice. what i feel now is freedom, and im eternally grateful for it.
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« Reply #38 on: August 03, 2015, 07:26:35 AM »

How long since your Break up?  . In about a week,.it will be two years since she called us "done." Two weeks later, I think, I found out that she had a fall back lover she recently martied and is now the stepdad to my kids. I don't alienate them to him. I can't, though they look at him like some silly, funny guy, not like a SD that I can tell.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? She moved out a year ago the beginning of this February. I felt better, then worse, then better. It still cycles, being abandoned and living in the house I bought for my family (I was previously a nomad, eschewing anything that tied me down). I still get triggered and depressed, feelng it so wrong that when I have the kids, that their mom isn't there. I hate that i feel like this. I want nothing more than to count down the next 15 years when I never have to see or talk to her again. I can sell the house, and move out of state. Moving is no problem. Not talking is a pipe dream. There's college, kids getting married, and the like. I know that my countdown isn't healthy either. It's staying stuck, and not detaching.

Their mom called me last night. I was on the line with a friend so I let it go to voice mail. She wanted to drop something off for S5. I could see how she thought it was necessary, but it wasn't. She said, "you can call me," when it could have been a simple text. I don't know why she wanted to talk. I texted back later. She offered to stop by in the morning. I demurred, but she still tried. I explained some kid level psych to her (that S5 needed to start being responsible for not remembering to take things) and she finally accepted that. I said I could handle him if he had a meltdown, and he didn't.

I still don't know why she wanted to talk on the phone.

I was in the same boat - when we met, my ex was living in an apartment and didn't have a car. I bought her a car (she had no credit; we made the payments together) and I bought a house for us (and her daughter) to live in. When she left I wasn't ready to sell my home. It was a double edged sword, though; I loved my house but there were ghosts everywhere.

I thought about moving for a year. I decided to do it and am moving on Friday. In some ways, packing up this house has been a sort of closure; some days I did lots of crying, but as it gets closer to the actual move I'm feeling better and better. I suspect that, when I look back at it, the decision will turn out to be a very important step in my healing. 

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joeramabeme
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« Reply #39 on: August 04, 2015, 12:37:07 PM »

I thought about moving for a year. I decided to do it and am moving on Friday. In some ways, packing up this house has been a sort of closure; some days I did lots of crying, but as it gets closer to the actual move I'm feeling better and better. I suspect that, when I look back at it, the decision will turn out to be a very important step in my healing. 

How could it not be important in healing.  This is a massive step forward.  Keep us posted, I would like to hear how you are doing with all of it.

It is strange how our feelings are manifest in all the things around us whether we are aware of it or not.  I was blown away this morning when I took the last Kleenex from the box and got a new box to replace the old.  I was mid-toss of the old box and suddenly realized that this was the last box she had purchased.  She loved Kleenex and having the right box color was of paramount importance.  I stopped mid-toss and did not throw the box away.  Instead I placed it in a pile of memoirs that will get boxed up.

That is just an empty Kleenex box, but it has a lot of powerful memories and emotions wrapped into it, your house likely contains many more memories... .
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #40 on: August 22, 2015, 08:18:09 AM »

I thought about moving for a year. I decided to do it and am moving on Friday. In some ways, packing up this house has been a sort of closure; some days I did lots of crying, but as it gets closer to the actual move I'm feeling better and better. I suspect that, when I look back at it, the decision will turn out to be a very important step in my healing.  

How could it not be important in healing.  This is a massive step forward.  Keep us posted, I would like to hear how you are doing with all of it.

It is strange how our feelings are manifest in all the things around us whether we are aware of it or not.  I was blown away this morning when I took the last Kleenex from the box and got a new box to replace the old.  I was mid-toss of the old box and suddenly realized that this was the last box she had purchased.  She loved Kleenex and having the right box color was of paramount importance.  I stopped mid-toss and did not throw the box away.  Instead I placed it in a pile of memoirs that will get boxed up.

That is just an empty Kleenex box, but it has a lot of powerful memories and emotions wrapped into it, your house likely contains many more memories... .

Indeed.

I understand your experience with the kleenex box - those types of experiences happened to me many, many times.

I began dreading going back to my old house in the last several days before I moved. I finally realized that every square inch of that house triggered me; there were memories in every corner. Memories of her, memories of my stepdaughter, memories of us, memories of our family. In every square inch.

I moved out two weeks ago, and I feel GREAT. Really, really good. I almost didn't put the house on the market this summer - my decision to do so came out of no where and almost felt impulsive. Now I look back at it and can see that it was actually a healthy, forward facing "leap" into a new life. It was the last step I needed to take, for sure. I couldn't have taken it any sooner, but I'm very, very glad that I took it when I did.

I think that remaining in that house would have impeded my healing, because the visual triggers and memories in that house lead me to ruminate pretty frequently. It's almost like I spent a year in that house grieving - and it was important for me to go through that process - but it was also important for me to "wrap up" my grieving and take a step forward into a new life.

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« Reply #41 on: August 22, 2015, 08:41:42 AM »

I'm closing in on 5 months... .initially I felt great all the anxiety and depression was so bad that leaving was a relief... .there was no way the relationship was gonna work for me I was becoming suicidal, there's no way I could have lived my life like that and I also fell out of love with her... .strangely I feel worse now than I did the first few months... .still ruminating daily and alot depressed... .My social life is lacking at the moment I'm sure that plays a big part.  
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« Reply #42 on: August 22, 2015, 08:56:48 AM »

It's been 18 days.

I still miss the "good" part sometimes.  Last night I went on a date with another guy to a restaurant I went to with exBPD, and the date went horribly, and I found myself missing the evening I spent there with exBPD because it was during the idealization phase and it was wonderful.  Then I dreamed about his last night.

But one thing I have been increasingly realizing as time goes on is how much this guy needs to control the relationship.  He has some NPD tendencies, and I notice that a lot of people tend to ascribe intention to the NPD's idealization/devaluation/discard cycle, but I don't think my ex did what he did intentionally or in a planned way.  I think he is just wired that way and can't really help it.  The thing that surprises me the most is how much he has tried to watch and control me since he dumped me.  It is fairly clear, given his actions, that he hasn't moved on.  A website shared by our group indicates that he's looking in on me every few days, even though he no longer shows up at events.  Last night he posted about his life and whereabouts on a public board.  He could have made an anonymous account or disappeared if he didn't want me to know where he is, especially after sending me a nasty (paper) letter not to contact him again, but in a twisted way, I think he wants me to show up again.
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