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Author Topic: How long has it been since your break up? How do you feel now?  (Read 680 times)
joeramabeme
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« on: July 29, 2015, 06:18:15 PM »

Informal Survey:

How long since your Break up?  mine is 3 days

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Same

I ask because a divorced friend told me that his bad feelings from his b/u with possible-BPD wife did not really ever leave him, they just diminished and then he eventually found another partner and that sealed the closure, that was 1.5 years. 

My conversation with him got me to thinking that maybe I am mentally holding the recovery process in the wrong way.  This will not be like getting over a bad cold where one morning you wake up and realize that you are starting to feel better.  But may be more like a dulling of pain over time?

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valet
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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2015, 06:24:26 PM »

How long since your Break up?    6 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Better

The death throws of the relationship ending lasted about 3 months for me. I'm not saddened by the breakup anymore, just bothered by some of the things that have happened since. Most days, I am not that bothered. But I do have bad ones still.

This might be my lonely child speaking, but I certainly feel that understanding the disorder and accepting our pwBPD for who they really are is a key to closure. I think that when we gain that understanding, we fully have the opportunity to explore our own deep wounds and discover what drew us to them and kept us there. I don't think that we should have to find a new relationship to find closure. That just seems like filling a hole with dirt from someone else's pile to me.
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Schermarhorn
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« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2015, 06:30:54 PM »

Informal Survey:

How long since your Break up?  mine is 3 days

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Same

I ask because a divorced friend told me that his bad feelings from his b/u with possible-BPD wife did not really ever leave him, they just diminished and then he eventually found another partner and that sealed the closure, that was 1.5 years. 

My conversation with him got me to thinking that maybe I am mentally holding the recovery process in the wrong way.  This will not be like getting over a bad cold where one morning you wake up and realize that you are starting to feel better.  But may be more like a dulling of pain over time?

1.5 months.

And I feel about the same. I do now know she knows exactly how to hurt me, so at this point I am more scarred of her than anything.
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antelope
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« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2015, 06:38:06 PM »

How long since your Break up?    3 years

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Like new  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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SGraham
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« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2015, 06:49:37 PM »

About 5 days. I feel better in the sense that my anxiety is down, im still really hurt though.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2015, 07:06:53 PM »

How long since your Break up?  1 year

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Much better

I'm in the process of moving out of the home we shared and I'm digging into some painful stuff with my T (that has nothing to do with my ex), so... .lots of stuff going on, lots of changes, sometimes I feel wobbly but overall doing pretty well.

As time passes I'm accepting - really accepting - that her chaotic, dysregulated reactions to the problems we were having in our r/s are wholly a reflection of her and her internal chaos. I'm finally separating her stuff from mine. It took me a while to get here.
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« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2015, 07:23:07 PM »

It's been a little over a year since my split with ex-wife. Most of time I feel liberated and relieved that an abusive partner is out of my life. Although these last couple of months I've had some tough moments. I know now she's still with OM. It angers me and I feel frustrated their relationship has gone on as long as it has.

I heard from friends that OM has been excepted into her family. And this angers me to no end. Her family never once contacted me after the split. And now, they've allowed their daughter to replace me. I should've known since they're all rugs sweepers and enablers. But it still shocks me and upsets me to know this.

I feel a bit stuck and back in the angry stage. I know they're still in a relationships and it bothers me. I should be happy she's now someone else's problem. But it seems that I'm stuck on feeling as though I need justice for what she's done to our marriage.

It sucks to know there will be no closure, no reconciliation, no guilt, no regret or suffering on her part. It seems as though she's just moved on. Forgotten about me, replaced me and is now happy as she's ever been. So she says. This loser now lives in the cabin that I built. Once homeless, now living in luxury on my expense and hard work.

I've never wished ill to anyone up until this point in my life. 



   

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rotiroti
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« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2015, 07:24:09 PM »

How long since your Break up?  ~50 days

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Much better, still have bad days where it feels like day 1, but they are few compared to the good ones.

I didn't think the pain of ending things with my best friend & fiancee (8 years) was ever going to subside. Thanks to everyone here as well as the workshops and books, I know I'm recovering! Recover is not linear, today for example I ended up posting on the staying board and have been contemplating if a friendship is at all possible.

Thanks all!
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« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2015, 07:40:15 PM »

I'm at one month.

Feeling great, better and better.

She is still doing her best to get an emotional reaction from me... .sending pics and emails regularly still, but I'm able to ignore them. I've begun exploring other possible relationships. Moving slower than ever and noticing the subtleties more than ever of my own behavior, my natural instinct to want to be a caregiver... .as well as the females' behaviors in our interactions. Their needs. What seems to be driving behaviors... .I used to think I had good self awareness... Ha! This has been an education.  There will be good that comes out of this.

Onwards and upwards
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2015, 07:57:12 PM »

It sucks to know there will be... .no guilt, no regret or suffering on her part. It seems as though she's just moved on. Forgotten about me, replaced me and is now happy as she's ever been.

None of that is true. It's what you're telling yourself. I've struggled with telling myself those kinds of stories, too - but I've stopped. I need to have compassion for myself, not beat myself up over with "comparison" stories ("she's doing great, I'm a chump" that aren't even true.
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« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2015, 08:35:02 PM »

How long since your Break up?    2 months since last exwBPD and 1 and a half years from my other exwBPD.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?

Much better in both cases. The most recent I'm so glad it's over and will continue to keep NC.

The 1 and a half year long break up... .i'm over the complete devastation I felt after the break up but a part of me still hopes there is a future together... .as much as I hate to admit that. It doesn't prevent me from moving on with my life however.
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« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2015, 08:40:06 PM »

How long since your Break up?  Almost 2 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  I'd say a little better. It's a slow and, as rotiroti said, not linear process.

The confusion is slowly wearing off. I have the BPD knowledge and this board that help tremendously. I still have lots of moments where it's just consuming pain, sadness, rumination, anger. They are triggered by memories of the ''good sides'' of my exBPDbf, but mostly the grieving of the Relationship, the us. Boy did I fall for the soulmate, love of my life thing    I'm getting better at seeing my exBPDbf as a whole, disorder and chaos included.

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself going NC sometimes... .still questioning that I went NC without having told him, just ignoring his calls and texts. I have a hard time coming to terms with ignoring someone that I loved and who’s reaching out to me. I’m still having moments where I feel the urge to write him one last letter, to let him know that I truly loved him and that I was true and sincere. But I know my truth and yet, I've shown him all of this, love, care and support, throughout the r/s, and it did not alter the inevitable progression of the disorder, so what good would it do to any of us now... .NC feels like my protection wall and I don't want to break it.

I believe knowledge of the reality of BPD, self awareness of the reasons why I fell for it and TIME are my best friends. Compassion - for my exBPDbf and for myself - is my goal. No idea if and when I’ll get there.

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« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2015, 08:48:31 PM »

It sucks to know there will be... .no guilt, no regret or suffering on her part. It seems as though she's just moved on. Forgotten about me, replaced me and is now happy as she's ever been.

None of that is true. It's what you're telling yourself. I've struggled with telling myself those kinds of stories, too - but I've stopped. I need to have compassion for myself, not beat myself up over with "comparison" stories ("she's doing great, I'm a chump" that aren't even true.

I hear you jhybuzz. Thanks for the support. I know that I don't have all the facts. It's just that my mind wants to fill in the blank spaces. When you go NC, it means there are so many questions that go unanswered. Regretfully, my mind wants to think the worst. I have no idea whether my ex-wife is truly happy or not. I only have some hurtful letters she's sent saying how happy and in love she is. Of course I never answered those letters or inquired about the facts of her life.

I'm doing my best to move beyond this phase. But for some reason, I've landed here after such a huge leap in a positive direction. Proves healing is not by any means linear.

It's almost like, when I make a positive stride in a healthy direction, it triggers my fear that she'll get away with what she's done with no consequences.   
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rotiroti
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« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2015, 08:55:37 PM »

How long since your Break up?  Almost 2 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  I'd say a little better. It's a slow and, as rotiroti said, not linear process.

The confusion is slowly wearing off. I have the BPD knowledge and this board that help tremendously. I still have lots of moments where it's just consuming pain, sadness, rumination, anger. They are triggered by memories of the ''good sides'' of my exBPDbf, but mostly the grieving of the Relationship, the us. Boy did I fall for the soulmate, love of my life thing    I'm getting better at seeing my exBPDbf as a whole, disorder and chaos included.

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself going NC sometimes... .still questioning that I went NC without having told him, just ignoring his calls and texts. I have a hard time coming to terms with ignoring someone that I loved and who’s reaching out to me. I’m still having moments where I feel the urge to write him one last letter, to let him know that I truly loved him and that I was true and sincere. But I know my truth and yet, I've shown him all of this, love, care and support, throughout the r/s, and it did not alter the inevitable progression of the disorder, so what good would it do to any of us now... .NC feels like my protection wall and I don't want to break it.

I believe knowledge of the reality of BPD, self awareness of the reasons why I fell for it and TIME are my best friends. Compassion - for my exBPDbf and for myself - is my goal. No idea if and when I’ll get there.

Thanks Yolanda, I was actually struggling with having gone n/c without telling the partner, but you are absolutely right. It's what works for us. I am learning so much from this experience, one being that it's okay to take care of ourselves.
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« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2015, 10:16:27 PM »

its been right at year since the break up and almost 11 months NC. I feel 100 percent better. I sleep better, Im not a nervous wreck, im financily secure again. It was very hard work and it was a struglle to reach this point. She didnt make it any easier but constantly contacting. her contact would alternate from being sorry and almost begging for me to come to a few days later calling me everything but the lowest thing on the face of the earth.  BUt NC was one of the hardest things I ever had do. How could it be easy to close the door on someone you loved so much. I still have days where I miss her and long for the good times, but I have to remind myself Im in love with the illusion of her and our relationship and that gets me by. Im not sure if you ever really get over them completely but what I had to decide was if was worth my health and enjoying my life to love someone who could not or would not love me the way I deserve. I gave it 3 years and after 3 years and countless break ups she never would.
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ADecadeLost
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« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2015, 10:30:22 PM »

How long since your Break up?  14 months since she left.  11 months since she asked for a divorce.  Three months since the divorce was finalized.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Like I'm 22 again.

It was an up and down year with plenty of setbacks, but physically and psychologically I am beginning to feel as if the damage of the last decade is fading away.  There's always more work to be done, but if feels good for a change.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2015, 11:40:19 PM »

It sucks to know there will be... .no guilt, no regret or suffering on her part. It seems as though she's just moved on. Forgotten about me, replaced me and is now happy as she's ever been.

None of that is true. It's what you're telling yourself. I've struggled with telling myself those kinds of stories, too - but I've stopped. I need to have compassion for myself, not beat myself up over with "comparison" stories ("she's doing great, I'm a chump" that aren't even true.

I hear you jhybuzz. Thanks for the support. I know that I don't have all the facts. It's just that my mind wants to fill in the blank spaces. When you go NC, it means there are so many questions that go unanswered. Regretfully, my mind wants to think the worst. I have no idea whether my ex-wife is truly happy or not. I only have some hurtful letters she's sent saying how happy and in love she is. Of course I never answered those letters or inquired about the facts of her life.

I'm doing my best to move beyond this phase. But for some reason, I've landed here after such a huge leap in a positive direction. Proves healing is not by any means linear.

It's almost like, when I make a positive stride in a healthy direction, it triggers my fear that she'll get away with what she's done with no consequences.   

I understand all of that, for sure. Steps forward, steps back... .been there, done that.

But you said that "my mind wants to fill in the blank spaces" - why not fill them in with positive stuff?

You have letters saying how happy and in love she is... .but really, who would do that? Not someone who was truly happy and in love, that's for sure. They'd be too busy moving forward with life; they wouldn't need to turn back to take a parting shot, yanno?

Think about how you want to write the story of your life. It's yours to write. You get to create the meaning.
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2015, 01:07:48 AM »



How long since your Break up?  2 years

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? I feel awesome!

My path was remaining single, placing my focus on myself, exploring and working through my issues, and doing things that increased my self-worth. I'm happy again.
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disorderedsociety
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« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2015, 01:11:28 AM »

Since b/u - 9 months

Since last meeting - 6 1/2 months

How do I feel? Its hard to say. I'm shocked at how things went but I'm excited to see what life has in store for me.
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greenmonkey
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« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2015, 02:55:48 AM »

How long since your Break up?  9 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? 10,000 better

I moved a few hundred miles away from her about 3 months later as she was constantly turning up at the house ranting and raging. She tried to use her son as leverage as well.

I disappeared overnight and had to start gossip in the village we were living in to get her off my trail.

I have now been settled close to 4 months, the FB stalking continues, and in the last few months after blocking her number I have been getting new voicemails and no missed calls, this is about twice a week.

She is now back on OK Cupid her hunting ground so to speak - which is my main concern as she has now recycled those that she could and has run out of her supply - which means that she will ultimately turn up at my door unless she gets a distraction.

In myself I am now a v2 of myself, I am healthier, happier, mentally and psychologically in a great place. This time last I could not work at all as she had near enough destroyed me - now I am in a management role in a male dominated industry running teams of 10 plus guys. My earnings have doubled from last year.

I also cycle 30-40 miles most days, dropped 4 jean sizes, lost about 4 stone and raise a lot of money for charities so I can give something back.

I am in a much better state of mind, so much more aware of people, red flags etc things that I would have written off before I now stand back and take notice.

It has been a very tough learning curve, but I have come away a much much better person.

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« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2015, 05:28:45 AM »

How long since your Break up?  14 months since I walked away from the relationship.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? It must be better - I had to count the months just then because I wasn't sure how long it had been exactly. That's a sign, right? In truth, I know that overall I am much much better. Much better. I don't sob every day. I think there are *some* days when I don't still think of him, but when I do it tends to be without much emotion. It's more a case of "oh, that happened", rather than an emotional engagement with the thoughts. At the moment though I'm coming off SSRIs and suffering withdrawal. That combined with seeing a picture of him with his gf has catapulted me back to the bad old days. The thing is though, I know the healing over the last year did take place, so I'll move on from this pretty swiftly. Life is good - better without him. I'm in an adult, grown up relationship, I'm financially more secure, emotionally more settled. Yes, sometimes I still crave him, but those times are few and far between and I'm much more in control now.
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« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2015, 07:51:37 AM »

How long? 7 months

How do I feel? A lot better. I still have some good and bad days. Things can trigger me as well. But for the most part I am moving on. I think over time I realized that one element of the relationship was good, her beauty, and the rest was bad. Her looks will eventually fade and she will be completely miserable. i, on the other hand, will meet the right person and have a happy life.

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« Reply #22 on: July 30, 2015, 08:15:43 AM »

How long since your Break up?    3 years

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Like new  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

didn't have time to write more yesterday, so... .

looking back, one of the most gut-wrenching, 'impossibly' difficult realities was that it was basically ALL a lie... .

radically accepting that everything said and done was to some degree done and said exactly as it was before with others before me was a TOUGH pill to swallow... .

I mean, we spend SOO much time in the aftermath wondering how 'special' we were in terms of the electricity of the honeymoon phase, as well as our 'one-in-a-lifetime' special connections, that coming to terms with the complete opposite is SOO hard... .

realizing this, and that the disorder exists with or without us is a crucial stepping stone in creating the complete detachment from them... .it's from here that we can finally see our part in this dysfunctional dance, and all of the other dysfunctional dances in our histories... .we can finally heal and grow  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #23 on: July 30, 2015, 08:25:49 AM »

How long since your Break up?    a little over 2mo

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? I feel sexy  

Like most of you on here I still think about my ex... .otherwise I wouldn't be posting. The more time that passes the better it gets. The big key for me has been "putting on the makeup" getting out with friends and socializing. I feel attractive again.  Sitting at home moping, well we need that at the beginning but one day you just need to put on your "fancypants" and venture out again. I have been putting myself in social settings where there are a lot of people around.  It's hard to be sad when you HAVE to engage in conversation. That is what has helped me the most. Also, during this I've realized I was trying to hold on to something (my ex) that was only hurting me. How was she supposed to make me happy when she was the unhappiest person I know?

It sucks to be rejected, especially when they grab the first person out there as a replacement, but in the process I learned I REJECTED MY NEEDS.

And that sucks even more.  

Say no to "self rejection"!  
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« Reply #24 on: July 30, 2015, 09:07:37 AM »

How long since your Break up? 

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?

Its been 20 hours

I'm feeling HORRIBLE and I'm constantly fighting myself from breaking NC. I doing a double think on EVERYTHING about us.

It was a short time together... .but it felt real, it felt comfortable, it felt good... .until I felt that I wasn't being Heard, my feelings were not worth caring about... .I was beginning to feel that she couldn't SEE me on an emotional level... .like an individual... with needs of my own... AND THATS WHY I COULD NOT CONTINUE.

But I sit here, feeling like I threw away someone I enjoyed being with and that enjoyed being with me. How sick and twisted is that? I feel like perhaps *I'm* the one with a personality disorder. But then I think, if it were possible... .that I am WILLING and ABLE to talk about our relationship, but what prevents me from opening up... is the fact that I know I won't be heard. That I will be blamed. ... leaving me to feel worse... .and beating myself up for it, because I didn't listen to my OWN SELF. That voice inside me that tells me what's going on... .that tells me what happened. That tells me what's real.

Ya know, Im new here... .but not new to what BPD is. It feels somewhat assuaging to write like this about it. Thanks for this post. Thanks for reading this too.
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« Reply #25 on: July 30, 2015, 09:43:13 AM »

Excerpt
Posted by: antelope 

looking back, one of the most gut-wrenching, 'impossibly' difficult realities was that it was basically ALL a lie... .

radically accepting that everything said and done was to some degree done and said exactly as it was before with others before me was a TOUGH pill to swallow... .

I mean, we spend SOO much time in the aftermath wondering how 'special' we were in terms of the electricity of the honeymoon phase, as well as our 'one-in-a-lifetime' special connections, that coming to terms with the complete opposite is SOO hard... .

realizing this, and that the disorder exists with or without us is a crucial stepping stone in creating the complete detachment from them... .it's from here that we can finally see our part in this dysfunctional dance, and all of the other dysfunctional dances in our histories... .we can finally heal and grow  Doing the right thing

I totally agree with you antelope. I know that for me, acceptance of the BPD reality, versus the relationship I thought I had, is key to my detaching and healing. Every day I feel I’m letting go a little more of that aspect. With some setbacks along the road obviously…

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« Reply #26 on: July 30, 2015, 12:36:56 PM »

How long since your Break up?  6 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Better

Time is indeed a great healer - though I was relieved rather than devastated when we split. I'm still in LC but have no urge to meet up with her - nor any feeling of terror if that should actually happen. Focusing constructively on doing stuff with my son has helped, plus the fact that my default position has always been to be on my own rather than seek a relationship. My ex is not doing so well - off work with stress and looking nothing like the 'so together' woman I fell for almost 2 years ago. 

Could I date another borderline? Sure - if she looked as fine as my ex.

Would I hang around if it all started falling apart again? No way - I simply don't have the patience for that sh*t anymore. 

Fanny
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« Reply #27 on: July 30, 2015, 12:44:21 PM »

I'm a year and nearly three months out. Without putting any finer detail on it I am in a much better place. Less angry but not ready to forgive. I doubt I ever will. It's not something I ever did very easily. At the same time I have an acceptance of the nature of the disorder and that she most likely won't change and I'm OK with that. Wherever she is now and who with is not my problem anymore.
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Suspicious1
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up & 'silent treatment'
Posts: 302



« Reply #28 on: July 30, 2015, 01:29:17 PM »

I'm a year and nearly three months out. Without putting any finer detail on it I am in a much better place. Less angry but not ready to forgive. I doubt I ever will. It's not something I ever did very easily. At the same time I have an acceptance of the nature of the disorder and that she most likely won't change and I'm OK with that. Wherever she is now and who with is not my problem anymore.

Mr Hollande, you and I are on a similar time-line, I think. I too am less angry, but I'm far more emotional about the whole thing and wish I could resolve it all. I'd like to be where you are with it. One day  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Popcorn71
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 483



« Reply #29 on: July 30, 2015, 03:03:07 PM »

Almost two years since he left and a year NC.  Life is good and I am mostly happy.  I am relaxed and healthier than I have been in years.  I feel positive most of the time.  Occasionally I get a bit lonely and start to see the past through rose coloured lens.  Then I face reality again and remember that he was a complete disappointment and caused me so many problems.

I think I would be even better if I didn't have constant reminders of him.  I see him around a couple of times a week and if I have a night out, chances are I will see him and the replacement.  Also, I know lots of people that know him and they seem to love to mention him.  Without this I think I would find it easier to stop thinking of him, which is a problem to me.
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