Why our ex BPD partners keeps us around in their lives?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello friends   

(Please, sorry for my mistakes in english  ).

My ex broke up with me have three months and in less than two weeks we break up she started dating my replacement who lives in the USA, I tried to come back but she did not want to contact me and said she was angry at me and with resentments, she painted me completely of black , then she spent almost one month and she went back to talk to me but said I did not deserve to be with her and my replacement was making her very happy but she still had resentments and was angry with me.

After she began to have contact with me again and likes my photos and status and comments on my photos on instagram and facebook saying I'm very beautiful... . 

I lied to her that I was with someone else and she got super angry at me saying she did not care about me and want the worst to me and said to leave her alone because she still had resentments to me and said that if I had treated she better we'd be together and she wanted marry with me but she said I dont deserve her and was comparing to me our relationship with the relationship  with my replacement. Yesterday after almost a week I sent a message saying that I was not with anyone and I said that because I was jealous, she answered apologizing for being hurting me but she is very happy with my substitute and she's in love with him... .(the famous stage of idealization, but during those three months that she's dating I knew she break up and went back with my substitute), at the end she told me she misses me and see my pictures every day and do not want I get out of her life and still wants to keep contact with me ... . 

I really can not understand what goes on in the head of my ex BPD and partners BPD  in general... .

If someone lives or had a similar situation with mine, please help me?

[butterfly 27]

Hello friends   

(Please, sorry for my mistakes in english  ).

My ex broke up with me have three months and in less than two weeks we break up she started dating my replacement who lives in the USA, I tried to come back but she did not want to contact me and said she was angry at me and with resentments, she painted me completely of black , then she spent almost one month and she went back to talk to me but said I did not deserve to be with her and my replacement was making her very happy but she still had resentments and was angry with me.

After she began to have contact with me again and likes my photos and status and comments on my photos on instagram and facebook saying I'm very beautiful... . 

I lied to her that I was with someone else and she got super angry at me saying she did not care about me and want the worst to me and said to leave her alone because she still had resentments to me and said that if I had treated she better we'd be together and she wanted marry with me but she said I dont deserve her and was comparing to me our relationship with the relationship  with my replacement. Yesterday after almost a week I sent a message saying that I was not with anyone and I said that because I was jealous, she answered apologizing for being hurting me but she is very happy with my substitute and she's in love with him... .(the famous stage of idealization, but during those three months that she's dating I knew she break up and went back with my substitute), at the end she told me she misses me and see my pictures every day and do not want I get out of her life and still wants to keep contact with me ... . 

I really can not understand what goes on in the head of my ex BPD and partners BPD  in general... .

If someone lives or had a similar situation with mine, please help me?

[Tay25]

Hello butterfly,

I had a similar situation with my BPDex although our fallout was very intense and we've had no contact since. Mine also said she resented me which is really just her resenting the fact she has to act fake around me for me to like her. They get tired of using all their energy to portray someone they r not (either mirroring or acting really nice) around us so they resent us for "making" them feel this way.

My BPDex also still has me on instagram even though i blocked her on FB and deleted her on instagram. I really dont understand why as i know for a fact she carries so much shame/embarassment from what shes done to me that she could never speak to me or look me in the eye again.

One thing i have learned is anyone who carries around resentment is very unhealthy. It is a sign of the "inner child" and only damages oneself. The best advice i can give you is to focus on you, as hard as it may seem but the more you devote time to yourself and improving your chracter or lifestyle in some way the faster you will gain confidence and start to meet women who arent crazy.

All the best

[Turkish]

Sometimes, partners don't get entirely split black. Some members feel like it might be something like keeping us as back-ups. We were in intimate relationships, after all. I think this is true in some cases.

For me, I was split black as a romantic partner, yet she wanted to be something like BFFs while she was living in my house, engaged in another r/s. She still needed me in some emotional capacity, only able to empathize with my pain in a superficial way. It falls on us to assert our boundaries, based upon our emotions and values. Maybe this will help:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

T.

[zundertowz]

For back up plain and simple... .this is why I burned that bridge to the ground and made sure I was split blacker than black.

[Mutt]

Hi butterfly 27,

I can understand how confusing the behaviors are. I'm sorry your going through this.

At the core of the disorder is a narcissistic wound, abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment. A pwBPD fear abandonment perceived or real.

Some people that suffer from BPD are demure; and others act out with intense anger when they feel rejected.

A pwBPD feel an incredible bond and a deep sense of knowing the other person at the beginning of a r/s. A pwBPD also has feelings of emptiness, identity disturbances and lack a stable sense of self and not knowing who they are.

I had a similar experience when my ex wife display intense anger when I had triggered her abandonment fears, she fears being alone and she had started an emotional and physical affair. She wanted to end our marriage and she left for the other person.

The confusion that I had felt was how I was split black and how she viewed me as all bad. On the other side of the coin, she had wanted to do things together without her boyfriend while she was in a committed r/s with another man. It was incredibly painful with how I she didn't give closure and the  lack of empathy for me.

This went on for a few months and I think it was because she wasn't sure if the other person was going to stick around or not. I can see how it's incredibly confusing, this is how my ex wife survives.

Everyone has different experiences and our ex partners display different characteristics, traits, severity along a continuum. I hope that helps.


----Mutt

[Pretty Woman]

For backup. And to "friendzone" you they can rub your nose all up in that shiny, new relationship.  You were dumped on your tookus because you "weren't good enough" for them, but you are good enough to be there when they NEED someone to tell all there ___ to... .to b___ about the new relationship as they are burning it to the ground.

I agree with other posters on here. Let them paint you blacker than black. Don't settle for the friends ploy. Even after dumping me my ex told me I looked "Hot, beautiful" in a profile pic. Here she has a new GF and she tossed me aside like trash.

Go NC and try to move forward. They treat friends even worse than lovers. Not worth it.

[SummerStorm]

Hello butterfly,

I had a similar situation with my BPDex although our fallout was very intense and we've had no contact since. Mine also said she resented me which is really just her resenting the fact she has to act fake around me for me to like her. They get tired of using all their energy to portray someone they r not (either mirroring or acting really nice) around us so they resent us for "making" them feel this way.

I can absolutely relate to this.  She didn't say she resented me, but the things she said implied that she did.  Mine is self-aware about some things, but her BPD traits are pretty intense.  One day, after she got out of the hospital, she texted me to tell me that she was outside and was having fun.  Now, when we were together, she hated being outside and just wanted to be inside, watching TV.  I replied, "That's great.  I wish this version of you would have always been around, so we could have gone hiking together."  She blew up and replied, "See?  I was never good enough for anyone." 

I now know that she was mirroring her boyfriend, with the being outside stuff, and was basically trying to make everything okay with him again.     

[Pretty Woman]

Mine always wants me as her BFF UNTIL she secures the new relationship. Then she trashes me and smears me to everyone and rids of every trace... .

until something goes wrong and she feel dejected. Then she reaches out. I am only 2nd or 3rd best to her... .always and that's fine. Don't care anymore. I am numero uno to me and have created boundaries that will keep her out of my life.

[SummerStorm]

Mine always wants me as her BFF UNTIL she secures the new relationship. Then she trashes me and smears me to everyone and rids of every trace... .

until something goes wrong and she feel dejected. Then she reaches out. I am only 2nd or 3rd best to her... .always and that's fine. Don't care anymore. I am numero uno to me and have created boundaries that will keep her out of my life.

I'm glad mine is moving far away, but it would have been interesting to see if she would have come crawling back to me if she broke up with her boyfriend.

[gotujockin]

They need their emotional supply.  That's why no contact is crucial if you give in, you're just another pawn.

[Confused108]

For backup. And to "friendzone" you they can rub your nose all up in that shiny, new relationship.  You were dumped on your tookus because you "weren't good enough" for them, but you are good enough to be there when they NEED someone to tell all there ___ to... .to b___ about the new relationship as they are burning it to the ground.

I agree with other posters on here. Let them paint you blacker than black. Don't settle for the friends ploy. Even after dumping me my ex told me I looked "Hot, beautiful" in a profile pic. Here she has a new GF and she tossed me aside like trash.

Go NC and try to move forward. They treat friends even worse than lovers. Not worth it.

 

YES! I can so vouch for this PRetty woman.Mine did the same crap to me as teens. Didn't want me but wanted to still remain friends. Then she started telling me about all the guys she was dating, fooling around with, sleeping with. Etc etc... once I had had enough because she knew I still cared about her I told her I was seeing someone also. Well she flipped out and told her sister to tell me to stay out of her life. I was split black for over 20 years. Then she came back found me I. FB and I was stupid and belived her lies and bs. Dumped after 2 months and she is still the same person she was as a teen. She won't ever dare try and contact me again after I pulled her mask off and told her she was BPD. And even if she did try and come  back I'm officially done with her.  Knowing what she really is is a deal breaker for me. Especially if they don't want to go to therapy.