Got a message from exBPDbf - I am tired

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had a message on my home voicemail when I got back from work today. 2 months since b/u, almost 1 month 1/2 since I went N/C, did not answer any of his texts/messages. I had not heard from him for almost 3 weeks, I thought it was over.

His message goes all over the place, all said with a tearful tone: ¨Hi M…It’s me…I am doing ok, though I am worried cause I haven't been able to reach my father since yesterday (his father has terminal cancer).  I talked with x (an ex work colleague who’s now retired that we both know though he is much closer to her than I am) and she made me realize that it must have been hard for you, the fact that I would not want us to live together, I had not put myself in your shoes¨ (he seems to have rewritten history that's the reason why I ended the r/s... .hey let's forget about all the lies, the manipulation, the push/pull, the probable cheating, all the crap and the pain). ¨So this must have been hard for you, but it was not against you... .I still love you... .I have texted you but got no answers so I assume you've blocked me and that you are over me now... .I would really like to talk to you... .To tell you what’s going on in my life... .I am doing better mentally, better than the person that I presented to you. ... and I hope that you are doing good... .I guess you’ve met someone now... .I haven’t met anyone. And I am not calling you because of that... .I think of you... .My heart sinks talking to you and hearing your voice on your answering machine, but I am doing very well... .I don’t know what to say. I’d like to say I look forward to talk to you, but I don’t know if it will happen¨.

I know he's just testing the attachment. Just trying to play victim. I know it's all lies and crap. Does not mean anything. But I’m tired of this nightmare. Very tired of feeling anything towards him.

[Yolanda123]

I had a message on my home voicemail when I got back from work today. 2 months since b/u, almost 1 month 1/2 since I went N/C, did not answer any of his texts/messages. I had not heard from him for almost 3 weeks, I thought it was over.

His message goes all over the place, all said with a tearful tone: ¨Hi M…It’s me…I am doing ok, though I am worried cause I haven't been able to reach my father since yesterday (his father has terminal cancer).  I talked with x (an ex work colleague who’s now retired that we both know though he is much closer to her than I am) and she made me realize that it must have been hard for you, the fact that I would not want us to live together, I had not put myself in your shoes¨ (he seems to have rewritten history that's the reason why I ended the r/s... .hey let's forget about all the lies, the manipulation, the push/pull, the probable cheating, all the crap and the pain). ¨So this must have been hard for you, but it was not against you... .I still love you... .I have texted you but got no answers so I assume you've blocked me and that you are over me now... .I would really like to talk to you... .To tell you what’s going on in my life... .I am doing better mentally, better than the person that I presented to you. ... and I hope that you are doing good... .I guess you’ve met someone now... .I haven’t met anyone. And I am not calling you because of that... .I think of you... .My heart sinks talking to you and hearing your voice on your answering machine, but I am doing very well... .I don’t know what to say. I’d like to say I look forward to talk to you, but I don’t know if it will happen¨.

I know he's just testing the attachment. Just trying to play victim. I know it's all lies and crap. Does not mean anything. But I’m tired of this nightmare. Very tired of feeling anything towards him.

[Mutt]

Hi Yolanda123,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand how frustrating and emotionally exhausting that can be when an ex partner is testing boundaries. He says that he's mentally better and BPD can be incredibly difficult to overcome. Is he in therapy?

It sounds like he doesn't know what he did wrong and may of been trying to seek answers from anyone and was told that he displays little empathy and is likely telling you what you want to hear.

I guess you’ve met someone now... .I haven’t met anyone. And I am not calling you because of that... .

He showed you his hand here and you are right

He's putting his feelers out to test the emotional attachment, he's likely worried you met someone. What do you mean you're very tired with feeling anything towards him? What has you feeling exhaustion?

[Yolanda123]

Posted by: Mutt 

Hi Yolanda123,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand how frustrating and emotionally exhausting that can be when an ex partner is testing boundaries. He says that he's mentally better and BPD can be incredibly difficult to overcome. Is he in therapy?

Thanks for answering Mutt. He is not in therapy, I don’t think he has any idea that he has BPD, at least he never said anything during our r/s indicating that he did.  As for therapy, I suggested we go together during the last months of our r/s and he was strongly opposed to it…said we could address our problems ourselves and did not need a stranger for that. So I don’t see much hope for him to get into therapy anytime soon.

He's putting his feelers out to test the emotional attachment, he's likely worried you met someone. What do you mean you're very tired with feeling anything towards him? What has you feeling exhaustion?

I am tired of thinking about him, the relationship, BPD, every day, day and night. All the feelings and emotions, the rumination, are draining at times. I am an analytical person, so I tend to overthink things, and even though my rational side understands the reality of BPD, that there’s no point in trying to get answers/understand him/how he felt/feels, my mind goes there quite a lot. And though I am detaching, the emotions and rumination are still intense, so I’m tired of thinking of him/feeling so much for him still, whether the feeling is love, sadness, missing, anger, compassion, hatred, disgust (in relation to the lies, cheating…)... .I long for indifference and peace of mind.

I am doing a lot of self-reflection and have thought of the reasons why I stayed in the r/s after his BPD kicked in. I have self-worth issues and I know what they are and where they come from, and I know this experience is making me a stronger, more self-aware person, and that I will not let myself be treated this way in the future. It’s just still very hard hearing his voice and hearing him say he loves me and that he’s doing good, better. I know a relationship (any type of) with him is impossible, and I do still love him and care for him. It’s just gut-wrenching and exhausting.

And every time he contacts me, I struggle with the idea of texting him back, not to open any further communication with him, just tell him I loved him very much, was sincere and true with him, gave the relationship my all, but it did not work and I need to heal and I need NC. Feels like it would make me feel better to tell him that one final time? Get it out of me and let go for good.

I initiated NC without letting him know of my intentions, just stopped answering, and I still struggle with this, as you can see, like I did not get closure for myself. But still I read all the horrible stories of people who answered their exBPD’s and hoped for closure and just got hurt all over again, so I am still torn about this.

Thanks for reading and any feedback/suggestion is really appreciated 

[rotiroti]

Yolanda,

N/C is a useful tool to help us detach from the emotions from it all. It doesn't have to be permanent and once you have healed and still wish to at that time, you could tell him all of those things. Plus, is there anything wrong with using this tool with someone who is unwilling to communicate?

It sounds like from your posts that you are beginning to understand that. I remember after about 2 months following the b/u, I could think about fond memories and photos of my ex without the emotions. It was a nice feeling!

[Mutt]

Hi Yolanda123,

I agree with rotiroti that NC is a temporary tool t at our disposal that is helpful for some people with detaching, stopping the bleeding and healing. We have a choice to remove this tool when we feel emotionally healthier.

I have self-worth issues and I know what they are and where they come from, and I know this experience is making me a stronger, more self-aware person

I think that making the right choices is not always the easiest path and the experience, knowledge, understanding, lessons, wisdom and awareness is a rewarding path when we stay the course. It sounds like you have faith Yolanda123 that you will be Ok  

I know a relationship (any type of) with him is impossible, and I do still love him and care for him. It’s just gut-wrenching and exhausting.

And every time he contacts me, I struggle with the idea of texting him back, not to open any further communication with him, just tell him I loved him very much, was sincere and true with him, gave the relationship my all, but it did not work and I need to heal and I need NC.

Do you feel bad for making the decision with no contact?

[Yolanda123]

Thanks Mutt and rotiroti,

I don't know that I'm healed enough or still too emotional at the moment to make a decision about breaking NC

Posted by: Mutt 

Do you feel bad for making the decision with no contact?

Mutt, I don't believe I feel bad for going NC - I still believe NC is the best for me. What I feel bad about is just going silent without telling him - I still have the feeling that I wanted to tell him one last thing, I don't know if it would be a good thing, it just feels unfinished to me because of that.

Hi S….

I am glad to know that you are well. I hope your dad is well also.

I have loved you very much S…, I truly believed in us. I’ve been true, sincere and honest in my actions, words and feelings for you throughout our entire relationship. I am not perfect, but I have done my very best and gave it my all for it to work. But I had to come to the conclusion that we were not happy anymore together and that it was best to end our relationship, before we got hurt even more. Now, I need to stop any contact with you to be able to think about my happiness and my healing and I am sure that you will be able to understand and respect that. I wish you happiness. Take care of yourself…M

No blame, just tell him how it was on my side... .MY reality of the r/s

[Yolanda123]

I am really struggling right now. This message has got to me. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work, can't think of nothing else. Don't know what to do - send this text or not.

Sorry I just needed to write it out.

[Remiman]

I am really struggling right now. This message has got to me. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work, can't think of nothing else. Don't know what to do - send this text or not.

Sorry I just needed to write it out.

Don't send it. It will just come back at you in a negative way. (In my experience anyway)

[apollotech]

What I feel bad about is just going silent without telling him... .

Yolanda,

I did with my BPDexgf exactly what you did, went silent without reason. Mine knows why I left, and yours probably knows why you left also.

In the post-relationship communications that you've received from him, has he even once asked you "why" you left? In my situation, for about 3 months following my leaving, I received a weekly text message "telling" me why I left, very much like the message in your OP. Needless to say, it was always my fault, something wrong with me---again, very much like the message in your OP. I was never asked "why." She was going through all kinds of gyrations to get me to respond. The sad fact is that a simple "why" would have gotten a response from me.

Before you start feeling guilty about silently walking away from a toxic situation (Kudos to you for that!), take a close look at what he's actually communicating. Is he asking you for answers or is he giving you the answers, his answers?

[Yolanda123]

Posted by: apollotech 

What I feel bad about is just going silent without telling him... .

Yolanda,

I did with my BPDexgf exactly what you did, went silent without reason. Mine knows why I left, and yours probably knows why you left also.

In the post-relationship communications that you've received from him, has he even once asked you "why" you left? In my situation, for about 3 months following my leaving, I received a weekly text message "telling" me why I left, very much like the message in your OP. Needless to say, it was always my fault, something wrong with me---again, very much like the message in your OP. I was never asked "why." She was going through all kinds of gyrations to get me to respond. The sad fact is that a simple "why" would have gotten a response from me.

Before you start feeling guilty about silently walking away from a toxic situation (Kudos to you for that!), take a close look at what he's actually communicating. Is he asking you for answers or is he giving you the answers, his answers?

You are right apollotech, his messages are mostly about him and his distorted beliefs/reality. I guess my reasons and feelings are irrelevant. I know that nothing good can come out of any further communication. But somehow, every time he contacts me I am going back to the guilt and questioning the way I made my ''exit''. It goes against my nature to ignore someone but in a BPD context, some principles and values just can't be applied as would in a ''normal'' breakup.

Posted by: Remiman 

Don't send it. It will just come back at you in a negative way. (In my experience anyway) 

Thanks Remiman, I really need to be brought back to reality 

[apollotech]

You are right apollotech, his messages are mostly about him and his distorted beliefs/reality. I guess my reasons and feelings are irrelevant. I know that nothing good can come out of any further communication. But somehow, every time he contacts me I am going back to the guilt and questioning the way I made my ''exit''. It goes against my nature to ignore someone but in a BPD context, some principles and values just can't be applied as would in a ''normal'' breakup.

Yolanda,

I know all about that guilt. I had it. It's abnormal to walk away from someone that you were emotionally attached to (loved) and go silent, especially without giving the person a reason. I understand what you're dealing with in regards to that decision/action. You already said your answer---what we were in wasn't normal. As you know, the envelope was pushed, and reset, on many different levels on many different situations/circumstances/issues. These relationships are about extremes; you and I took an extreme measure to get free of a bad situation. Under normal conditions, extreme measures would not have been called for. Remember why you cut the ties, and cut yourself some slack on what you were forced into doing.