Block my BPD ex on facebook or not?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Next month it will be 3 years since my ex cut me off. It was shocking and painful. I've not seen her since. I tried to talk to her at the time but that just ended in her going to the police and that was that. As part of the cut off she blocked me on facebook.

A couple of months ago I noticed she'd unblocked me. I didn't contact her but was always anxious about having her image pop up. After some advice on this forum I decided to block her. Now I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I'm hurting badly and have been for a long, long time. It's also worth noting I only found out about BPD about 2 months ago. Before that I was just hurting and confused.

I'm concerned that my fear of seeing her image or anything to do with her is like a demon that I need to face... which I'm not doing while she's blocked. But then again I have no idea? Any help would be appreciated.

[soar]

Next month it will be 3 years since my ex cut me off. It was shocking and painful. I've not seen her since. I tried to talk to her at the time but that just ended in her going to the police and that was that. As part of the cut off she blocked me on facebook.

A couple of months ago I noticed she'd unblocked me. I didn't contact her but was always anxious about having her image pop up. After some advice on this forum I decided to block her. Now I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I'm hurting badly and have been for a long, long time. It's also worth noting I only found out about BPD about 2 months ago. Before that I was just hurting and confused.

I'm concerned that my fear of seeing her image or anything to do with her is like a demon that I need to face... which I'm not doing while she's blocked. But then again I have no idea? Any help would be appreciated.

[fromheeltoheal]

What's the goal soar?  3 years is a long time to be hurting badly and I'm sorry you've gone through that.  And there are solutions available that can make that stop, one of which being setting a goal for yourself and then learning what you need to learn, doing what you need to do, to achieve it. So what is the goal?

[SummerStorm]

soar,

If she tried to contact you on Facebook, how would that make you feel?  What would that do for you, if anything?  You now know about BPD.  Use that knowledge to your advantage.  Is there anything that can be achieved from unblocking her again?

Mine has a private Facebook, and we were never friends because I don't use Facebook.  If we were, she would have blocked me.  I can still see her profile pics, but I don't even want to do that anymore because I felt awful every time I looked.  She unfollowed me on Twitter and then made that account private. 

My situation is a bit different because I was friends with her much longer than we were anything else, and when she discarded me, we were friends.  She's also moving across the country soon.  So, I have no idea if she will ever contact me again.  But I've asked myself the questions I asked you at the beginning of this post. 

How would it make me feel?  Relieved that she's still alive because I worry every day about her ending it all.  Happy that she still remembers me.  But that's really it. 

What would it do for me?  I guess it depends on what she says if she contacts me.  Unless she contacts me after she's well into therapy, it won't do anything for me. 

Is there anything that could be achieved from communicating with her online?  Not really, unless she's well into therapy.     

[Learning_curve74]

Soar, three years is a long time, and I'm sorry to hear you are still hurting. 

If you've not been in any contact for three years, how would it serve you to be "friends" on Facebook now? How do you plan to deal with any negative feelings that arise if you start to see her Facebook activities?

[Mutt]

Hi soar,

I can see how shocking and painful this r/s break-up was. A breakup with a pwBPD is incredible pain. I can imagine how hard that would be being alone for 3 years and not knowing its BPD.

Someone said how would this make you feel? I can see how it would feel like a demon that we have to face.

Are you thinking that she may give you answers as to why she left you abandoned and hurt for 3 years?

Do you feel like you have come to accept that she is mentally ill?

[mimi99]

I'm sorry that you have been going thru so much pain. It is something that most people who love someone with BPD can relate to.  My personal experience has been that not having that person blocked resulted in my "checking up" on her frequently and then being hurt or angry at what was posted. Unless you need evidence for a court hearing, I can't see any good that can come of continued contact, even online.

[soar]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I would say my goal is to let go of my ex and move on. I just don't know how to do that right now. It's hard for me not to feel that I am wounded, no matter what i do or where I go, the wound is always there.

The facebook thing is really complicated. I'm worried that I'm passing up on an opportunity to find some peace between us. I'm also worried that I'm making an attacking move (by blocking her) when all I really want is peace. I just don't know how to achieve it? I feel like maybe if she messaged me, it might give me some closure because atleast everything would have come full circle (baring in mind she cut me off and completely ignored me).

Also - I want to be comfortable with her being in this world. I don't want to feel scared and vulnerable to seeing her image. It makes me feel like I'm not over it? I don't want to feel traumatised.

I don't believe she will give me answers. I don't think she has it in her. As for accepting that she's mentally ill, I'm trying my best, it's so tough because for so long I was completely unaware. All I had to go on was the way she reacted to me, which was in a very cruel and cold way. Obviously you just end up trying to figure out what you did to get that reaction.

I guess the short answer to most people's questions are... I want closure. And I'm not sure if blocking her is the way I'm going to get it... ?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey soar, thanks for explaining more about your situation. Sometimes it can help just to communicate our feelings and feel like we're being heard, good step. 

As for the wound that never heals, it is possible if we keep opening it up or not taking measures to heal it. Part of what people call closure is probably detachment from the person and detachment from our expectations of what we wanted the relationship to be and what we wanted it to grow into. To start on a healing path, you can click on the sidebar to the right titled "Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom" for some enlightening reading.

Is some of your self worth tied into feeling like you failed, you weren't good enough, or some other issue about yourself that being dumped suddenly brought more to light?

It takes time and effort to recover from a traumatic loss. We all have questions and are left stumbling in the dark after such a loss. Believe me, I have lost four family and friends to sudden traumatic loss by accidental death and suicide. The closure we get from these types of loss are largely internally generated. The same could possibly be quite true in the case of sudden break up with BPD partners. They are mentally ill and probably have no logical explanations that will provide closure for you. If so, then what is your plan?

[Mutt]

Next month it will be 3 years since my ex cut me off. It was shocking and painful.

Learning_curve74 is right what you experienced is a traumatic event.

I understand how painful that is when our partners don't give us closure.

Two healthy adults in a r/s often give each other closure when a r/s ends. Your ex partner is sick and she can't provide closure.

I'm sorry to hear this.

We can mend our wounds and we can give ourselves closure.

[fromheeltoheal]

I would say my goal is to let go of my ex and move on. I just don't know how to do that right now.

Letting go of something doesn't take much effort really, you don't have to do much, just let go and let it fall away.  But maybe it's not your ex you're trying to let go of, it's the hope that there could be a chance for closure or reconciliation, something, other than she just forgot about you and moved on with her life.  Going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all is a huge leap, and painful, but mandatory if you're going to detach.  If you're going to get her out of your head.

I'm also worried that I'm making an attacking move (by blocking her) when all I really want is peace. I just don't know how to achieve it? I feel like maybe if she messaged me, it might give me some closure because atleast everything would have come full circle (baring in mind she cut me off and completely ignored me).

Also - I want to be comfortable with her being in this world. I don't want to feel scared and vulnerable to seeing her image. It makes me feel like I'm not over it? I don't want to feel traumatised.

You're still giving her a lot of power, too much after 3 years.  Your closure needs to be your responsibility and have nothing to do with her at this point.  One way is to get pissed off and say screw this, I'm taking my life back; get extremely selfish and do exactly what you need to do for you without depending on her or hoping for anything from her.

As for accepting that she's mentally ill, I'm trying my best, it's so tough because for so long I was completely unaware. All I had to go on was the way she reacted to me, which was in a very cruel and cold way. Obviously you just end up trying to figure out what you did to get that reaction.

I'm a big fan of reading a lot, educating ourselves, taking very good care of ourselves, and giving it time, and if that doesn't work and we get stuck, and after 3 years you're stuck, I think it's a good idea to go get some professional help.  There's only so much we can do from our keyboards, and we aren't trained anyway, at least I'm not, so I bet you could make huge strides in a short period of time by going and talking to someone trained and live.  Are you up for that?

[soar]

I will read that article, thanks for the tip.

I don't know what it's brought to light... I've been trying to look into my past. I see that I had a crap relationship with my brother, he didn't respect me and treated me so. Also I have been very close to certain friends but don't have relationships with them now for various reasons. It all makes it quite tough for me to get a foot hold.

Do you think I can get closure from my ex or am i hoping for something that is not possible? The reason I ask is because it's 3 years down the line and im still hurting. I'm willing to consider anything... as long as it makes me better.

I see what you're saying about letting go of any sort of closure. For a long time I wanted to bump into her, just to see her and break the no contact she put in place. She had a lot of power over me and I felt if I could just see her, it would be reduced somehow. It was her power that she could say you cannot speak to see me every again. I just so wanted to break that.

Sometimes I do get angry but often I feel very weak because I have been suffering for so long. I just feel very vulnerable mentally. My anger usually subsides and turns into something else. It's just a cycle im stuck in I guess.

Yes I have been having counselling for a long time actually but like I said earlier, I've only just learned about BPD so before I was just bewildered. Now I have a bit more to go on. Counselling doesn't seem to be working though. I hope maybe something more ptsd based or cbt might help?

[rotiroti]

Do you think I can get closure from my ex or am i hoping for something that is not possible?

That's a question only you can answer, are you hoping for a reconciliation? What are the reasons you are having trouble letting go? If she said something about being blocked, how would that make you feel? What if you knew for sure you would never hear from her again, how would that feel? What if she wanted to reconcile, how would you feel?

As FH2H says, transitioning from that little sliver of hope to none is a huge huge step.

[soar]

Do you think I can get closure from my ex or am i hoping for something that is not possible?

That's a question only you can answer, are you hoping for a reconciliation? What are the reasons you are having trouble letting go? If she said something about being blocked, how would that make you feel? What if you knew for sure you would never hear from her again, how would that feel? What if she wanted to reconcile, how would you feel?

As FH2H says, transitioning from that little sliver of hope to none is a huge huge step.

I find that so hard to answer. I'm hoping for an end to my suffering in whatever form it comes. I guess I'm hoping to discover that I meant something... .but at the same time I'm aware that that's never going to happen. I did mean something but my ex will never admit that honestly because she can't see past all the things she sees as slights.

I can't let go because my ex made me complete. Without her I feel empty and like I will never be complete again. If I knew I'd never hear from her again, I think that would be a good thing because I could stop hoping. If she wanted to reconcile I'd feel good because I'd know that I meant something to her, she was important to me although she has hurt me beyond anything.

[fromheeltoheal]

If you work on meaning something to yourself, if you decide you mean something and you're enough because you say so, what she thinks won't matter.  If you work on filling yourself up you won't need someone else to complete you.  Are you willing to consider going and talking to a professional about what's going on with you?

[soar]

If you work on meaning something to yourself, if you decide you mean something and you're enough because you say so, what she thinks won't matter.  If you work on filling yourself up you won't need someone else to complete you.  Are you willing to consider going and talking to a professional about what's going on with you?

Yes I am. Although I've been having counselling for a long time and I guess you could say it's not worked. I'm scarred that I'm broken essentially. The only hopes I have is that something more PTSD based or CBT will help in ways that counselling never could.

[fromheeltoheal]

If you work on meaning something to yourself, if you decide you mean something and you're enough because you say so, what she thinks won't matter.  If you work on filling yourself up you won't need someone else to complete you.  Are you willing to consider going and talking to a professional about what's going on with you?

Yes I am. Although I've been having counselling for a long time and I guess you could say it's not worked. I'm scarred that I'm broken essentially. The only hopes I have is that something more PTSD based or CBT will help in ways that counselling never could.

Oh, sorry, you told us that and I missed it.  Good for you!  And you're right, if what you're doing isn't working, try someone or something else.  Curious, did your current counselor ever mention BPD?

[soar]

Oh, sorry, you told us that and I missed it.  Good for you!  And you're right, if what you're doing isn't working, try someone or something else.  Curious, did your current counselor ever mention BPD?

No I just found out about it myself online. I have seen a few counsellors as well. It upsets me deeply that no one mentioned it. I can forgive most of them because they only saw me fairly briefly. But the one who saw me for a long time should have mentioned it, its incompetent the fact that she didn't.

Obviously I sometimes wonder whether she really has the disorder but I think that's just myself looking for answers to my suffering. I do believe she has the disorder because her complete switch for loving to careing not was just horrendous. Her background points to BPD also as well as her 'pushing away' within the relationship. Our relationship was like a rollercoaster but at the time I was in love and just wanted us to be happy together.

[shatra]

Learning curve wrote

The closure we get from these types of loss are largely internally generated. The same could possibly be quite true in the case of sudden break up with BPD partners. They are mentally ill and probably have no logical explanations that will provide closure for you.

---- Can this be explained? What is the reason they have no logical explanations?  Is it because they break up based on emotion? Or something else?

Shatra

[shatra]

soar wrote

guess I'm hoping to discover that I meant something... .but at the same time I'm aware that that's never going to happen. I did mean something but my ex will never admit that honestly because she can't see past all the things she sees as slights.

---Do u mean you want to know you meant something to her?

----Your ex would never admit that you meant something to her, because she felt slighted by you, is that what you are saying? Do u mean that because she was angry about feeling slighted, that she then devalued your value, and the value of the relationship?

Shatra

[antelope]

I can't let go because my ex made me complete. Without her I feel empty and like I will never be complete again.

what does 'complete' mean?

how are you currently 'incomplete'? in what way?  --be specific

[soar]

Learning curve wrote

The closure we get from these types of loss are largely internally generated. The same could possibly be quite true in the case of sudden break up with BPD partners. They are mentally ill and probably have no logical explanations that will provide closure for you.

---- Can this be explained? What is the reason they have no logical explanations?  Is it because they break up based on emotion? Or something else?

Shatra

I believe that my ex broke up with me becauase she sensed that I might abandon her. Basically we were looking at places to move in together but we were falling out all the time. I thought if we moved in together things would just get worse and we'd end up breaking up. I said maybe put us moving in together on hold for now... .she flew in off the deep end and everything changed.

But in her head it will probably be more like he didn't do this, that and the other and him letting me down (pulling out of moving in together) just confirmed that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

[soar]

---Do u mean you want to know you meant something to her?

Yeah.

----Your ex would never admit that you meant something to her, because she felt slighted by you, is that what you are saying? Do u mean that because she was angry about feeling slighted, that she then devalued your value, and the value of the relationship?

Yeah pretty much. To me, people with BPD hold a grudge against those they've loved but have turned out to be less than perfect. It's not fair but it's just the way they see things.

[soar]

I can't let go because my ex made me complete. Without her I feel empty and like I will never be complete again.

what does 'complete' mean?

how are you currently 'incomplete'? in what way?  --be specific

I guess I never felt such subtance to everything before I met my ex. She made me happy just to be alive because at some point in the near future I could be with her and mean something to somebody.

Now I feel damaged. Like I can't be myself because I have no defences from criticism, they've all been burned away. I can't allow myself to be hurt anymore because I don't know if I can take much more. I'm scarred that my life is ruined, that I won't be able to be the person I was supposed to be. I wanted to be a good husband and father but I feel like a shell atm and don't see any way to obviously change.

[antelope]

I can't let go because my ex made me complete. Without her I feel empty and like I will never be complete again.

what does 'complete' mean?

how are you currently 'incomplete'? in what way?  --be specific

I guess I never felt such subtance to everything before I met my ex. She made me happy just to be alive because at some point in the near future I could be with her and mean something to somebody.

so the 'incompleteness' is a feeling of... .listlessness? meaninglessness?  boredom?

she made you complete by... .giving you something to do? something to think/worry about?

what was your life like prior to meeting your ex?  was your life in a sort of limbo state?  did it feel stale and pointless?

many of us had this prior to meeting our emotionally chaotic BPDs... .we felt alive via their drama and ensuing misery... .this speaks volumes, not about them, but specifically about us... .

it's ironic, but the end of relationship has a way of throwing us back to the place we were right before we met out BPDs... .

what's missing from your life?

are you unhappy with your job?  your friends and family? yourself?

maybe now is a good time to immerse yourself in a hobby or interest you've always wanted to discover and tackle... .maybe it's a good time just to figure out finally, once and for all, what's important to you in terms of wants and needs... .

[SummerStorm]

Learning curve wrote

The closure we get from these types of loss are largely internally generated. The same could possibly be quite true in the case of sudden break up with BPD partners. They are mentally ill and probably have no logical explanations that will provide closure for you.

---- Can this be explained? What is the reason they have no logical explanations?  Is it because they break up based on emotion? Or something else?

Shatra

I believe that my ex broke up with me becauase she sensed that I might abandon her. Basically we were looking at places to move in together but we were falling out all the time. I thought if we moved in together things would just get worse and we'd end up breaking up. I said maybe put us moving in together on hold for now... .she flew in off the deep end and everything changed.

But in her head it will probably be more like he didn't do this, that and the other and him letting me down (pulling out of moving in together) just confirmed that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

And therein lies the problem with BPD.  You don't move in with her, and she fears abandonment.  You do move in with her, and she fears engulfment.  There is no middle ground. 

[soar]

so the 'incompleteness' is a feeling of... .listlessness? meaninglessness?  boredom?

Yeah maybe... it's hard to put my finger on it. I definately have an issue with being alone... being bored.

she made you complete by... .giving you something to do? something to think/worry about?

Um... .giving me a purpose I would say. I thought I meant something to someone.

what was your life like prior to meeting your ex?  was your life in a sort of limbo state?  did it feel stale and pointless?

I was in a difficult place. I'd not had a great time at uni socially but got a degree out of it. I was struggling to find work so was in turn struggling with being bored/depressed. Before uni though I have a pretty fun life although I never had a decent relationship with my brother at home.

many of us had this prior to meeting our emotionally chaotic BPDs... .we felt alive via their drama and ensuing misery... .this speaks volumes, not about them, but specifically about us... .

it's ironic, but the end of relationship has a way of throwing us back to the place we were right before we met out BPDs... .

what's missing from your life?

are you unhappy with your job?  your friends and family? yourself?

I'm not particularly happy in my job atm. I'm in an area where nothing is happening and I feel bored. friends is difficult because I don't have as many as I used to. Also I don't feel as attractive myself because I'm struggling so much mentally, I don't feel like I can be 'my old self'.

maybe now is a good time to immerse yourself in a hobby or interest you've always wanted to discover and tackle... .maybe it's a good time just to figure out finally, once and for all, what's important to you in terms of wants and needs... .

Jeez... .I don't know. I wanted to have my own family and raise kids to have the self worth that I don't. I wanted to have a wife that thought she was the luckiest woman alive.

[Learning_curve74]

Learning curve wrote

The closure we get from these types of loss are largely internally generated. The same could possibly be quite true in the case of sudden break up with BPD partners. They are mentally ill and probably have no logical explanations that will provide closure for you.

---- Can this be explained? What is the reason they have no logical explanations?  Is it because they break up based on emotion? Or something else?

Hey shatra, I'll explain my understanding here since it is also applicable to soar's situation. Since the BPD is mentally ill, their feelings and thoughts are disordered, and actions they take are often maladaptive. If somebody is afraid of being abandoned, wouldn't it be logical to hold on as tight as you could? But no, often a BPD individual will instead push you away thus completing the self-fulfilling prophecy. A lot of this behavior is maladaptive since it was learned in childhood.

Say you were raised by an abusive parent. So the person you love and depend on most in the world is also the person who hurts you the most. You will learn ways to survive such as telling people whatever they need to hear so you get your needs fulfilled and the hurt to stop. Since you never developed a sense of self-worth or self-esteem, you never trust anybody who says they love you, because who but a fool would love somebody worthless like you? Not everybody who develops BPD was abused as a child, but this example easily gets the points across.

So many of a BPD person's arsenal of dealing with people may have worked temporarily in bad situations, but long term they are not conducive to truly loving healthy adult relationships. And most people with BPD cannot see this because this is all they have known their entire life. It's not easy to change.

So my question to soar is that you know this is the kind of mentally ill person your ex is, why and how could she ever serve to make you "complete"? Is it her specifically, or are you just in love with the idea of somebody who is your "one and only "?

Also, I think CBT could possibly help as it can help you deal with any distorted thinking patterns you have. If it were me, I would still keep working with a counselor who is helping you with self-examination and self-growth in addition to CBT. You are worth it even if you don't currently believe it. If you thought your ex was worth it, don't you think you're worth it too? 

[soar]

So my question to soar is that you know this is the kind of mentally ill person your ex is, why and how could she ever serve to make you "complete"? Is it her specifically, or are you just in love with the idea of somebody who is your "one and only "?

Also, I think CBT could possibly help as it can help you deal with any distorted thinking patterns you have. If it were me, I would still keep working with a counselor who is helping you with self-examination and self-growth in addition to CBT. You are worth it even if you don't currently believe it. If you thought your ex was worth it, don't you think you're worth it too? 

I don't think she could make me complete but that's how she made me feel. It's hard for me to let go of that. I'm not sure if it's her - she was my first love but obviously things have changed dramatically. I wish I could find another girl who I feel the same way about.

I think I am worth it yeah, I'm just really struggling atm because I'm not seeing much improvement

[Mutt]

I wish I could find another girl who I feel the same way about.

Do you feel like what you felt with her was intensity or emotional intimacy?

[shatra]

Soar wrote

Do u mean you want to know you meant something to her?

Yeah.

------Why do you think you didn't mean something to her? Why do you think she didn't value the relationship? Did she say devaluing things about you and about the relationship?

Shatra