Hate to say it, but my secret fear is she's getting better

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, I'm 7 months removed from breaking up with my dBPDexgf, and although I know rationally I should be thankful to be out of that relationship (it was deeply toxic and unhealthy for me), a part of me still feels slightly wounded from the whole experience.

It doesn't help that my ex was one of the first people I developed really strong feelings for. But sometimes it's hard for me to separate what was BPD and what was just her being caught in the cycle of toxic relationship of her own that she had to extricate herself from.

I feel for my ex pretty hard, but I found out soon after that she was only a few months removed from being in an emotionally and physically abusive long-term relationship with an individual she refused to cut out of her life, and who increasingly started invading every aspect of our relationship. He was an unstable individual who was clearly still in love with her, and yet he was profoundly emotionally and verbally abusive toward my ex in ways that would send her into depressive tailspins. And yet she wouldn't remove him from her life.

It only became clear to me at the end that I was being involved in a deeply dysfunctional triangle (how dysfunctional? they were eventually caught shoplifting together... .And the first time we broke up was because I politely asked her not to text her obsessive ex-boyfriend in front of me, which she did constantly). In hindsight, I don't know if some of what I was caught in was just classic jealousy-provoking tactics, like she was fueling this competition between her ex and I, or if she just genuinely couldn't shake this individual because of their own toxic, co-dependent dynamic. I just know being caught in the middle of it hurt, made me feel less than, and I eventually left because of it.

It's been 7 months, and I've finally gotten her to pay me back from when I bailed her out of jail, so luckily I won't have to communicate with her anymore (although we share a lot of mutual friends, and I know it's inevitable that I'll run into her at parties, gatherings, etc... .but it is what it is). Getting her to pay me back was often difficult and painful, but in her defense, the last portion of the endeavor she paid me back very diligently and respectfully.

The last serious conversation we had was really painful; there was a lot of yelling and airing of grievances but she apologized as sincerely as she was capable for putting me through certain things. I accepted her apology wholeheartedly, but truthfully I'm still angry and wounded from the whole experience. Not like I'm some broken person, I don't buy into that, but processing my emotions from that experience is still painful.

Here's what I know: she finally removed her toxic ex-boyfriend from her life; she's in therapy twice a week; and she's been seeing someone for a few months. I know none of this means that she's still not living a very painful, BPD-infused life, but I have to admit... .in my petty heart of hearts... .My worst fear is that she's getting better. I don't really internalize that. Obviously, I hope for the best for her, and if she's doing well I'm glad, but there's another part of me that feels like it's... .unfair. I know that's an irrational sentiment, but I can't shake that feeling sometimes. Like I tried so hard during the course of the relationship, and she constantly chose the toxicity and dysfunction of her toxic ex over me, which eventually forced me to leave even though I really cared about her. And THEN she moved on from that individual. Which is great, but there's that part of me that's like... .I wish you could have done that for me when I was begging, crying out for you to do it.

Sometimes I struggle with the thought that I was just an emotional pitstop for her on a larger journey she was taking with her toxic ex. And that hurts to consider.

And now she' seeing someone else, and I wish them the best, but I also have confused feelings about that because truthfully... .I don't think I'm ready to be in another relationship yet. Not in a way I beat myself up for. Things are going really good in my life and I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family, but emotionally, in the context of a relationship I know I'm not there yet.

I don't know... .Can anyone relate to some of these thoughts? Could use a little support right now.

[mrwigand]

So, I'm 7 months removed from breaking up with my dBPDexgf, and although I know rationally I should be thankful to be out of that relationship (it was deeply toxic and unhealthy for me), a part of me still feels slightly wounded from the whole experience.

It doesn't help that my ex was one of the first people I developed really strong feelings for. But sometimes it's hard for me to separate what was BPD and what was just her being caught in the cycle of toxic relationship of her own that she had to extricate herself from.

I feel for my ex pretty hard, but I found out soon after that she was only a few months removed from being in an emotionally and physically abusive long-term relationship with an individual she refused to cut out of her life, and who increasingly started invading every aspect of our relationship. He was an unstable individual who was clearly still in love with her, and yet he was profoundly emotionally and verbally abusive toward my ex in ways that would send her into depressive tailspins. And yet she wouldn't remove him from her life.

It only became clear to me at the end that I was being involved in a deeply dysfunctional triangle (how dysfunctional? they were eventually caught shoplifting together... .And the first time we broke up was because I politely asked her not to text her obsessive ex-boyfriend in front of me, which she did constantly). In hindsight, I don't know if some of what I was caught in was just classic jealousy-provoking tactics, like she was fueling this competition between her ex and I, or if she just genuinely couldn't shake this individual because of their own toxic, co-dependent dynamic. I just know being caught in the middle of it hurt, made me feel less than, and I eventually left because of it.

It's been 7 months, and I've finally gotten her to pay me back from when I bailed her out of jail, so luckily I won't have to communicate with her anymore (although we share a lot of mutual friends, and I know it's inevitable that I'll run into her at parties, gatherings, etc... .but it is what it is). Getting her to pay me back was often difficult and painful, but in her defense, the last portion of the endeavor she paid me back very diligently and respectfully.

The last serious conversation we had was really painful; there was a lot of yelling and airing of grievances but she apologized as sincerely as she was capable for putting me through certain things. I accepted her apology wholeheartedly, but truthfully I'm still angry and wounded from the whole experience. Not like I'm some broken person, I don't buy into that, but processing my emotions from that experience is still painful.

Here's what I know: she finally removed her toxic ex-boyfriend from her life; she's in therapy twice a week; and she's been seeing someone for a few months. I know none of this means that she's still not living a very painful, BPD-infused life, but I have to admit... .in my petty heart of hearts... .My worst fear is that she's getting better. I don't really internalize that. Obviously, I hope for the best for her, and if she's doing well I'm glad, but there's another part of me that feels like it's... .unfair. I know that's an irrational sentiment, but I can't shake that feeling sometimes. Like I tried so hard during the course of the relationship, and she constantly chose the toxicity and dysfunction of her toxic ex over me, which eventually forced me to leave even though I really cared about her. And THEN she moved on from that individual. Which is great, but there's that part of me that's like... .I wish you could have done that for me when I was begging, crying out for you to do it.

Sometimes I struggle with the thought that I was just an emotional pitstop for her on a larger journey she was taking with her toxic ex. And that hurts to consider.

And now she' seeing someone else, and I wish them the best, but I also have confused feelings about that because truthfully... .I don't think I'm ready to be in another relationship yet. Not in a way I beat myself up for. Things are going really good in my life and I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family, but emotionally, in the context of a relationship I know I'm not there yet.

I don't know... .Can anyone relate to some of these thoughts? Could use a little support right now.

[rotiroti]

Hi mrwigand,

I am glad that things are going well and that you wish the best for your ex --

Let's take the hypothetical scenario where your ex is and does get better, I would believe that her journey to recovery wouldn't have been possible if it hadn't for you. Wouldn't you agree that the kindness and the best effort you showed perhaps steered her in the right direction?

The bottom line is that you guys are on separate paths now. It's human nature to wonder about exes here and there, and it sounds like despite all the anguish the both of you took something away positive. Self-discovery for you and therapy for her.

[poedameron]

Hey man I'm sorry you feel this way... .and yes it's pretty normal... .I feel it sometimes still... .I went NC with my exBPDgf so that helps (though it was hard at first)... .but sometimes a song comes on and I go right back to tearing up and feeling the good times and that maybe I could have done something to save it etc... .

... .but here's the TRUTH: you and I could have done a million things differently and it wouldn't matter... .if we were stepping stones, there's nothing we could have done about it.  Imagine you were like Marty McFly being able to go back in time as many times as you wanted to redo various fights and events you could have done better at... .

... .you and I both know that it wouldn't matter, because more of the same situations would keep happening you didn't anticipate and you'd still be caught in a loop of trying to please her, which is not possible.

These people are like an emotional bucket with a hole in it.  You can fill it up all right, but it only takes a week or two, a day or two or sometimes and hour or two before it's empty again and it's like you never did anything for them ever in their life.

I still alternate between feeling sorry for her and hating her for what she did to me, but it ain't mostly her fault... .she can't control most of that, and if she could we wouldn't be having these problems.  

You don't have to be glad she's getting better, just be glad your time with her is done.  Imagine if you held on and married her... .eventually you would have cracked or she would have found something else to fill her bucket for the time being.  I was replaced throughout our relationship by various things at times, Scandal (the TV show), new friends she just met, Pinterest, etc.  

There are thousands of great women in your area you haven't met yet, who don't have BPD and won't suck the ever living life out of your soul.  Be thankful for that as hard as it might seem right now.

[enlighten me]

Hi Mrwigand

I can also understand how you feel. Non of us know the true effect we have had on others. The fact that your ex gave a heartfelt apology is huge and shows how much she has changed and how special you were to her.

Ive read a number of times that when someone with BPD goes through therapy and comes out of the other side no longer being classed as BPD they can be totally different people. They may not be the person that you loved.

The fact that you might have been a stepping stone on her path to recovery is a bitter sweet thing. On the one hand you have helped someone you cared for on the other someone else is benefiting from your efforts.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, I was slightly horrified when I realized that, in some small corner of my heart, I hoped that every single one of her r/s's after ours would crash and burn. She was also in therapy and started seeing someone else, so I know how that stings, especially when you feel like you worked soo hard and practically sweated blood to make the r/s work and it all fell apart anyway.

I think a lot of those feelings are pretty normal. And I think they fade over time when you start to move on with your life and become more detached.

How are you doing with that? ^

[myself]

Her last ex may have also seen her as being 'better' when she was with you, and wondered why it didn't work out with him. Someone with BPD/traits doesn't change overnight, so, what, she may have gone from 70% to 45% (or whatever the numbers would be)? While during the "honeymoon phase", which is temporary and when the behaviors wouldn't be as extreme. It's natural to think about this stuff, most of us do, but just as in our own lives real change doesn't come until the person faces what's actually going on and does deeper work than just finding someone else to have a relationship with. It's great you wish her the best. Do the same for yourself, and continue following through with it. There's no rush to be with anybody else right now.

[balletomane]

Mrwigand, I can relate to almost everything you write. It's been just over three months NC for me and five months since the end. I am nowhere near ready to date someone else but my ex went straight from me to a new person - in fact, he got together with her first, and then decided to tell me four days later. ("I knew I should tell you soon because you can read me like an open book" - no consideration for my feelings or for the ethics of what he'd done, just worry that I might notice.) I don't think I could face a repeat of the pain I have been through with him. I know that statistically I'm unlikely to end up in another relationship with someone who has the same problems, but it's not even this that I'm afraid of. I'm just paralysed by the knowledge of a more general darkness: that people you love and trust can betray you and hurt you and make you feel ways that you never imagined feeling. After that experience you naturally don't want to take the risk. It is a trauma reaction and a very logical one. Your BPD ex does not have the same reaction because people with BPD do not perceive risk in the same way (in fact, they may actively seek it out) and they don't always have the necessary emotional insight to realise that a new relationship is a bad idea for them right now. My ex was always hopping from disastrous relationship to disastrous relationship, and although sometimes he did have the insight to see that a new one wouldn't do him any good, within weeks after each breakup he always had someone - he was too impulsive to stick to a resolution. By contrast, we understand that right now a new relationship would not be sensible for us, and we shouldn't dismiss our intuition and our insight - they are valuable. Healing takes time and we shouldn't feel bad for needing that time.

I'm another one who is hoping for my ex's relationship to crash and go up in flames in the way ours did (not just in some small corner of my heart, either, in quite a large chunk of it   ). I doubt I would feel this way about anyone he dates after my replacement, but the idea of him suddenly getting better and finding happiness with the woman he essentially cheated on me with - that makes me feel as though everything really was my fault and if only I'd been like this new woman (I knew her too and she's a very decisive and self-confident person) then things might have been better. It's a form of self-blame. I think we need to work on accepting that there is nothing we could have done then and just turn our attention to what we can do to help ourselves now.

[mrwigand]

Yes, I was slightly horrified when I realized that, in some small corner of my heart, I hoped that every single one of her r/s's after ours would crash and burn. She was also in therapy and started seeing someone else, so I know how that stings, especially when you feel like you worked soo hard and practically sweated blood to make the r/s work and it all fell apart anyway.

I think a lot of those feelings are pretty normal. And I think they fade over time when you start to move on with your life and become more detached.

How are you doing with that? ^

Hey, thank you--and everyone--for your words of validation and support.

But I'm generally doing well. I'm starting a new job that I love, and I have a great group of friends and family that I love spending time with. But, obviously, sometimes I do still caught up in ruminating about the relationship, and last night in particular I was very emotional for some reason.

The good news is that my ex paid me back the last of the money so there's no reason to communicate with her for a while at all. Not that she did anything, but even communicating with her in a very basic way hurts for some reason.

[Pretty Woman]

Mr.Wigand,

     If she's not actively in treatment I can guarantee she is not better.

I had the opportunity to meet a few of my ex's exes. All of them felt as you do now. They thought she was better with me, stable, loving. Turns out I was actually treated WORSE. They were shocked.

So don't think all is happy and well in her life. Facebook is FAKEbook. I can tell when my ex's affections are waxing and waning by profile pics alone. I've figured out a pattern in three years.

She's on month four and trouble is a brewin with her new one.

Don't beat yourself up. You are a good person. She's screwed up and there is nothing you could have done better. Go easy on you.

[Corgicuddler95]

I relate to that but in different ways, I sometimes worry if she got better it would because I'm out of her life especially as her depression really kicked in not long after we hooked up.

My greatest fear is my ex getting a new boyfriend partly because I know that won't help her get better on her own feet like she needs but also cos I'd feel replaced.

[Michelle27]

I am way past that fear, although it was a really strong fear for a long time.  So much so that I held on through 9 years of lies, infidelity, rages, circular arguments and daily walking on eggshells because I thought if anyone could help him through it, it would be me.  I now realize that there's no way... .and it took 5 years for the cracks to show towards me so I know not to hold my breath until his new relationship crashes.  I don't need it to happen soon to know it will.  It's a runaway freight train and there's no other way it can happen.

[jhkbuzz]

last night in particular I was very emotional for some reason.

You were triggered somehow, by something. It took me a while to figure this out, but when I would "suddenly" find myself ruminating I stepped outside those thoughts and started thinking, "hey - where is all this coming from? why am I suddenly thinking about her?  why am I suddenly sad?"

If I thought about it, I could almost always identify the trigger - and somehow, connecting my feelings to the trigger ("oh, it was because I heard that song"... ."oh, it was because I was talking to my stepdaughter" always helped stop the ruminating. It gave me control over it, somehow.

I don't know if that ^ is part of what people describe as "mindfulness" - but this practice has definitely helped me to realize that "I" am not my thoughts. I can step outside my thoughts, analyze them, and decide that they're not thoughts worth spending much time on. 

[mrwigand]

last night in particular I was very emotional for some reason.

You were triggered somehow, by something. It took me a while to figure this out, but when I would "suddenly" find myself ruminating I stepped outside those thoughts and started thinking, "hey - where is all this coming from? why am I suddenly thinking about her?  why am I suddenly sad?"

If I thought about it, I could almost always identify the trigger - and somehow, connecting my feelings to the trigger ("oh, it was because I heard that song"... ."oh, it was because I was talking to my stepdaughter" always helped stop the ruminating. It gave me control over it, somehow.

I don't know if that ^ is part of what people describe as "mindfulness" - but this practice has definitely helped me to realize that "I" am not my thoughts. I can step outside my thoughts, analyze them, and decide that they're not thoughts worth spending much time on. 

I think you're right. I had to communicate with my ex that day to work out the final details of some money she owed me. It was very simply and matter-of-fact, and she paid me back very diligently. So, I guess what I'm saying is nothing hurtful happened, but truthfully communicating with my ex is painful for me on a level no matter what.

If something happens that I find to be ignorant of my feelings, that certainly hurts (and it has happened a lot in the past; however, if things are extremely clinical and straightforward, that also affects me sometimes because it just reminds me of how much the relationship has changed (for the better certainly, but it still can make me emotional).

[Tangy]

I'm another one who is hoping for my ex's relationship to crash and go up in flames in the way ours did (not just in some small corner of my heart, either, in quite a large chunk of it   ). I doubt I would feel this way about anyone he dates after my replacement, but the idea of him suddenly getting better and finding happiness with the woman he essentially cheated on me with - that makes me feel as though everything really was my fault and if only I'd been like this new woman (I knew her too and she's a very decisive and self-confident person) then things might have been better. It's a form of self-blame. I think we need to work on accepting that there is nothing we could have done then and just turn our attention to what we can do to help ourselves now.

Pretty much exactly how I feel. I was with him for three years and I just told someone this weekend that I think I wouldn't care if he was dating someone else... .just... .not... .her... .And you're exactly right. It is self-blame when we think they are magically transformed and it was all us.

[Dutched]

a disorder always wins... .doesn't it?