Feeling pathetic for putting up with it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

At the moment I am feeling really weak. I wish I had figured him out along time ago and left him at the beginning. I wish I had seen the red flags earlier.

He has been emailing me pretty much every week for 3 months since we have broken up officially. When he confessed to cheated and using me and never actually having feelings for me and telling me how funny it was that I was gullible enough to believe the crap he told me I decided I would never talk to him again. He has sent me 15 emails over the last month which i havent replied to. Asking why I cheated on him (what the heck he told me had :-/), telling me the dates he was going on (that he planned a weekend away with a girl and was going to take her out and not watch sports. When I had been on a weekend away with him he didnt want to spend time with me, he watched sports the whole day), he then accused me of being too busy being a slut to care about him going away. Telling me i am disgusting and what an easy slut i am and how he wished he had never met me and that he has made sure everyone now knows what a c*nt I am.

His next email after that was a few days later saying "you win. I travelled 5 hours there and 5 back and I couldnt get it up. When i told she told me i was sh*t in bed. Hope your pleased with yourself. F*ck life"

I am in shock how he can be so nasty with his insults and telling how he has made everyone hate me... on top of that rubbing it in that he travelled so far to spend the day at the beach with a girl. When i was with him i drove us and he watched football the whole day from 12-7. To then blame me for this girl apparently insulting him! What does he want me to say :-/

What the hell is going on in his head? I dont get it!

It makes me so sad and angry to think of all the things I put up with for him and allowing such selfish behaviour for him to rub in that he is doing more for other girls. It shows he was well aware he was being selfish and upsetting me at the time. I cant believe i stayed with such a horrible malicious person that takes absolutely no responsibility and thinks he so superior to expect me to be nice to him after he has been so deliberately hurtful. Even underneath my sad feelings there is still a part of me that wants to help him out in some way... which I think is completely pathetic  

[klacey3]

At the moment I am feeling really weak. I wish I had figured him out along time ago and left him at the beginning. I wish I had seen the red flags earlier.

He has been emailing me pretty much every week for 3 months since we have broken up officially. When he confessed to cheated and using me and never actually having feelings for me and telling me how funny it was that I was gullible enough to believe the crap he told me I decided I would never talk to him again. He has sent me 15 emails over the last month which i havent replied to. Asking why I cheated on him (what the heck he told me had :-/), telling me the dates he was going on (that he planned a weekend away with a girl and was going to take her out and not watch sports. When I had been on a weekend away with him he didnt want to spend time with me, he watched sports the whole day), he then accused me of being too busy being a slut to care about him going away. Telling me i am disgusting and what an easy slut i am and how he wished he had never met me and that he has made sure everyone now knows what a c*nt I am.

His next email after that was a few days later saying "you win. I travelled 5 hours there and 5 back and I couldnt get it up. When i told she told me i was sh*t in bed. Hope your pleased with yourself. F*ck life"

I am in shock how he can be so nasty with his insults and telling how he has made everyone hate me... on top of that rubbing it in that he travelled so far to spend the day at the beach with a girl. When i was with him i drove us and he watched football the whole day from 12-7. To then blame me for this girl apparently insulting him! What does he want me to say :-/

What the hell is going on in his head? I dont get it!

It makes me so sad and angry to think of all the things I put up with for him and allowing such selfish behaviour for him to rub in that he is doing more for other girls. It shows he was well aware he was being selfish and upsetting me at the time. I cant believe i stayed with such a horrible malicious person that takes absolutely no responsibility and thinks he so superior to expect me to be nice to him after he has been so deliberately hurtful. Even underneath my sad feelings there is still a part of me that wants to help him out in some way... which I think is completely pathetic  

[enlighten me]

Hi Klacey

Its easy to take these things to heart. They can say some very hurtful things that make us doubt ourselves and our own self worth.

With things like this I like to look at their behaviour as that of a child. I imagine them as an angry hurt child trying to get our attention.

If a child was hurling insults at you and trying to make you jealous what would you think was driving it?

[balletomane]

Ow. That was upsetting just to read about, so it must be very painful for you. I'm sorry he's being so hurtful and poisonous. I also empathise with your regret over putting up with it for so long - I have beaten myself up over exactly the same thing with my ex. Unlike you I did see red flags early on but I persevered regardless, thinking I could change the situation, which makes me feel doubly stupid now. One of my biggest regrets has been that I only cut contact with him when I felt too broken to take any more. It felt like it wasn't a choice, just the only thing I could do. I wished I'd chosen it - it would make me feel more dignified to know that I'd walked away from it with my head high.

Then I remind myself that I did walk away, I did make a powerful choice. I might have been broken, but once I reached that low point I listened to my mind and my body telling me that they were at their absolute limit, that they couldn't take any more. I removed myself from the situation, just as it sounds like you have. Don't look at what you wish you'd done sooner, look at what you've actually done - even though he is bombarding you with vicious messages, even though he was so unkind to you, you have decided that enough is enough and you're doing what you can to protect yourself by not replying. This is self-care. Acknowledge to yourself that you are doing your best to look after yourself. You can be proud of that.

In your position I would block his emails. They are only tormenting you. It may be difficult for you to do this, but I think you will feel much better if you know that there will be no more poison in your inbox. 

[Herodias]

He sounds very narcissistic! It's weird how the "come clean" when it's all over... .mine did that too. Only thing is, I am still not sure I can believe any of it, due to his pathological lying. Maybe some of yours was projection as well... .they are so messed up. Try not to take it to heart. None of it makes sense, and probably not even to them!

[Michelle27]

This has been my biggest struggle in my healing, so I can totally understand how you feel.  Feeling completely duped by my ex for so many years makes me feel so stupid and gullible.  Finding out that 5 years ago when I was scrambling to get us help by dragging us to 3 different marriage counselors and a couple's communication course (all sabotaged, and he admitted on purpose), visiting our doctor to ask for help for him, his friends almost holding an intervention for him, etc., he was carrying on a year long affair with my "friend".  Finding out also that his story of once being a pilot but having been "grounded" to airplane cleaning duty due to unexplained blood clots (believable as he's on blood thinners for life) was a complete fabrication as he was actually hired by the airline to do that cleaning.  And I'm aware that the the there are more than just the things he's admitted to (the affair) and what I found out after I ended things.

I'm a smart woman.  I have 2 bachelors degrees and have worked professionally for over 20 years.  I feel like a complete moron for believing the crap I was fed and not seeing all the red flags sooner and questioning more than I did.  All those years of hanging onto hope believing his lies that things were going to get better seem like such a waste.  All the  daily anxiety of not knowing what I was coming home to make me want to go back in time and take my power back.  I've talked about this regret with my therapist and she tried to get me to understand that this journey of mine had to go the way it did for me to learn the lessons I needed to learn.  That my strength and knowledge of myself that I learned having gone through all of this is valuable to my healing and to moving forward in a way that allows me to take what I've learned and apply it to my life in important ways.  It sucks that so many years were lost, but it also means that I won't ever go down that path again because the lessons are going to stick.

[Herodias]

and that "you win" comment seemed to be a theme throughout my marriage... .makes me think of Charlie Sheen's "winning" comment when he was acting out. I always wanted to know what the competition was... .we were supposed to be on the same side!

[Tangy]

Hey just read through your post.

I'm so sorry he's being such a mean jerk. But from the outside let me just tell you, you absolutely positively do not deserve any of that. I know you know it on a mental level but most of us have trouble accepting this stuff on an emotional level. It's so hard when you're the target to not take it personally.

I've learned a little bit about the observe don't absorb technique and it seems that this would be perfect in this instance. I know it's difficult to remove yourself emotionally from the situation, but to just see it as what is really going on.

For example as I'm reading your post, all I see is a guy desperate to try and get your attention because you have walked away. 15 emails really? While what he is saying is certainly abusive and hurtful, it's clear he can't let you go. It's clear he's miserable... .and frankly I think he wants you to stay right down there with him... .but you choosing to stay away from him you're not doing that. I know it's really hard to not get caught up in wishing you wouldn't have allowed it from the get go. I get stuck there probably once a day. I would do anything to go back and to have put mine in his place before he did the ultimate betrayal to me... .but I can't. All we can do is realize how much better we are now having gone through the experience and how there is hope for us on the other side. Hope for the guy you describe? Doubtful... .and I know that's no consolation as you probably don't want to see him fail... .but we have to radically accept that they are who they are. As for mine... .he doesn't do what you have described in fact I've heard nothing outside of one feeler email... .but he gave me up... .so I know clearly he's not thinking right. The way I described it to my therapist was that with me he had a million dollars and he left me just on the off chance the new girl might be a billion dollars... .who knows... .maybe she'll make him much happier than I did. Doubtful outside of the honeymoon phase. But enough about them. What about us? Where are we going after this experience . I plan on upgrading! *hugs*

[klacey3]

He sounds very narcissistic! It's weird how the "come clean" when it's all over... .mine did that too. Only thing is, I am still not sure I can believe any of it, due to his pathological lying. Maybe some of yours was projection as well... .they are so messed up. Try not to take it to heart. None of it makes sense, and probably not even to them!

Hi Herodias. What were the narcissistic behaviours you noticed? I have wondered myself whether he is actually more NPD than BPD recently. I think he definetly fits the criteria for N.

I have the same problem as you. I don't know whether mine lied about the cheating as he lied so much and said so many things to try to hurt me I just dont know whats truth.

Yeah I agree the 'you win' is so weird. What did we win? :-/ we didnt even know there was a game!

[lovenature]

Klacey, you are not pathetic, you are human with a heart and capable of empathy-a pwBPD is not capable of empathy; it is all about them all the time. Don't try and make sense of the senseless, it will only prolong the pain.

Focus on you, I know how tough it is to try and get your heart on the same page as your head; think of who you were before your BPD relationship, know you deserve better. 

[klacey3]

Ow. That was upsetting just to read about, so it must be very painful for you. I'm sorry he's being so hurtful and poisonous. I also empathise with your regret over putting up with it for so long - I have beaten myself up over exactly the same thing with my ex. Unlike you I did see red flags early on but I persevered regardless, thinking I could change the situation, which makes me feel doubly stupid now. One of my biggest regrets has been that I only cut contact with him when I felt too broken to take any more. It felt like it wasn't a choice, just the only thing I could do. I wished I'd chosen it - it would make me feel more dignified to know that I'd walked away from it with my head high.

Then I remind myself that I did walk away, I did make a powerful choice. I might have been broken, but once I reached that low point I listened to my mind and my body telling me that they were at their absolute limit, that they couldn't take any more. I removed myself from the situation, just as it sounds like you have. Don't look at what you wish you'd done sooner, look at what you've actually done - even though he is bombarding you with vicious messages, even though he was so unkind to you, you have decided that enough is enough and you're doing what you can to protect yourself by not replying. This is self-care. Acknowledge to yourself that you are doing your best to look after yourself. You can be proud of that.

In your position I would block his emails. They are only tormenting you. It may be difficult for you to do this, but I think you will feel much better if you know that there will be no more poison in your inbox. 

Like you I saw red flags but thought if only i did xyz then it would be ok and i made excuses for him. I also only cut contact when i couldnt take any more of it. I couldnt concentrate at work, i would be tired all the time, i was in a constant state of anxiety and upset. I thought so much I got headaches. The accusations and consequences of not meeting his needs became too unbearable.

That is true. I did walkaway. He begged for me back and i said no. He told me he would only get help for feeling suicidal if i got back with him and i said no. He constantly insulted me and I didnt respond. I am proud that I have firmly not seen him or spoken over the phone to him in 3 months despite his many desperate attempts at both.

I really dont know why, but I feel unable to block his emails. I know I will never get closure. I asked him once why he treated me badly and he said he NEVER thought I would leave. A few weeks before that he said he ALWAYS thought I would leave.

I know there is nothing I can do for him to help and he doesnt deserve it. I dont know why it seems impossible to block him... .

[13YearGoodbye]

What a great topic!

I feel this emotion all the time... .That I'm pathetic for staying so long... .That I'm pathetic for not following through in any of my previous attempts to leave. That I'm pathetic for not leaving after the youngest kid graduated high school, etc, etc, etc... .Nevertheless, I love and completely accept myself even if I sometimes feel that I'm pathetic. I often felt pathetic when I let one of her comments get under my skin. I put so much effort into learning to let the jabs run off me like water from a duck.

Oh well. I brought a lot of peace into her life, and especially into the lives of her kids. While I nurtured my pwBPD I was also nurturing her kids, and I was acting consistent with my nature as a loving and nurturing person. I learned useful skills of disengaging from conflict, and choosing my emotional responses to happenings. I learned things about myself that I think I wouldn't have learned in other circumstances. I helped the public schools by buying alcohol for her. 

I also only left when it seemed like there was no other viable option. But I managed to overcome the fear of what would become of me without her support, and I am free and clear. There is something to be said for that... .

One thing that I am certain of, is that I will never again tolerate those kinds of behaviors. I will live in peace and harmony with those in my household, or I will live by myself: Under a bridge if necessary.

[Herodias]

There actually are Narcissistic Borderlines... .they are both shame based. Listen to some u-tube videos on the subject. The more I learn, the more it all makes sense to me and the more I want to avoid it all. Mine was actually showing signs of being anti-social as well. They can be mixed. Only we know they extent of the behavior due to witnessing it first hand. Its helping me allot to know about the full spectrum, because before I was feeling sorry for him. I feel much less sorry for him understanding that allot that was done to me was on purpose. He even just lied to his parents that he knows "he was terrible to me and I didn't deserve it and that he will always regret it". Oh really, as he is telling them that, he is e-mailing me calling me a "heartless b___". I don't think his mother really fell for it, but wants to believe it. I am so sickened by him... .