Trust the Power of "do not resuscitate"

[Mazzy]

Morning folks,

Long time reader, first time poster. First: Thank you BPD family for being there during the darkest times. A scant two years ago I met a woman who changed my life in a very fundamental, and incredibly painful way. In the search for answers, bpdfamily became a refuge and balm on the wounds left behind. In a way, this forum saved my life, and (trite as it may sound) my sanity.

But I'm here to tell you all that it gets better. Much, much better if you take appropriate and healthy measures in the aftermath of these devastating interactions.

The whole sordid tale is much too long and, by the nature of the disorder, has played out across many lives with degrees of similarity. Why else would we gravitate towards a forum such as this had we not suffered at the hands of others?

You're all aware of how these interactions (read: they are NOT relationships by any stretch) begin in a whirlwind of infatuation and mirroring. Mine was no different. Then came months of subtle, venomous devaluation.

But the discard was the hardest. It came on my birthday. In a text message. Very calculated. It's not enough to leave a partner, but they have to be broken in the process. In a way, I was.

All of the protestations of love, future planning, longevity, sex (a starvation diet at the end); all turned on its head seemingly out of nowhere. Like all of you, we're left wondering just who the heck we were dealing with. Where did they go? Who was this person in front of me? Why did this happen?

At the moment of discard, something came over me. The months of bizarre, cruel behavior had finally taken its toll. I refused to be treated that way anymore. No one had the right to appropriate and lead me by a barbed yolk. There was no pleading or bargaining. Something changed. I simply replied, "Okay. Goodbye." and that was the last time I ever spoke to her.

And thus began the very long, very arduous journey of trying to make sense of pathological behaviors that spits in the face of rational thinking.

As many here will tell you again and again, do not resuscitate is for you. Read that: It is for you and no one else. It should never be utilized to spur a response from your ex, nor as a means to punish. There's a long process before your rational brain takes the wheel, but in your silence and grief, you can take solace in knowing that the only person on this earth who has your best interest at heart is you. There's grace in that. The person you fell in love with was yourself mirrored back at you. Fancy that, eh?

Sometimes the pain is so great you have no choice but the severe all ties and not look back. I did just that the second I was given my walking papers. Phone #, social media, etc. All blocked/deleted that night. I knew the score. No cyberstalking. Nothing. A proverbial Samson Option of memories. I became a void.

That silence has been maintained for two years now without ever breaking it. I can't tell you it's willpower (because it is not), but a deep knowing that contact, of any kind, with this person had the power to hurt me at a very deep core level.

The unfortunate reality of taking such drastic measures is the ex will often go out of their way to worm their way back in. You all know the methods: dummy accounts, private numbers, etc. In those moments you're faced with two choices: Engage or disengage? Every attempt has been deleted/blocked/unread on the spot. You commit to your defenses completely or risk being consumed whole.

I've lost count of her attempts to get into contact with me. It no longer matters. Three weeks ago, I received a wall of text from a # I didn't recognize. I read the first. The syntax, cadence, and grammar were all her. Then came the phonecalls. The calls went unanswered. The rest of the texts unread. Except that first. "Can we please meet up. Call me."

Funny. So much time removed and they still have the temerity to make demands of their victims.

Something wonderful happened, though. I no longer cared. The icy feeling in my chest, the fight or flight reactions, being on the verge of tears; all gone. I'd detached. She no longer had a hold on me. In a way, this site and many others helped come to terms with her (and others like her) being a known quantity of dubious intent.

We deserve better and it starts with treating yourself as the wonderful person predators such as they seek out.  

To end things, I'll say this. If you're a few hours, days, weeks, months into do not resuscitate, you have to ask yourself how much you value yourself. Can you commit to it? Can you understand that one human being out of billions, should not have that much power of you?

If you find yourself on the verge of faltering, stick to these forums, reach out, keep your defenses up, and believe you can do it because you have your whole wonderful life in front of you. I mean that.

Epilogue: As of last week, I withdrew all blocks across the board. It no longer matters if she reaches out. One cannot really move on if they're in a constant vigil on watchtowers of our own design. To use an image: for the longest time I felt as though I was braced against a cabin door to keep her out. Every scratch and battered fist against the door left me rattled. But there comes a time to leave the cabin when you realize the beast on the other side is keeping you away from the great world beyond the cabin.

Leave the cabin when you are ready.

Guess if anyone has questions, I'd be more than happy to spin a yarn if it will help someone here.

[Pretty Woman]

Mazzy,

  This is BEAUTIFULLY written. I have copied and pasted this into a document I can look at whenever I need encouragement to stay the course.

Congratulations on your journey! You are an inspiration.

PW

[Ab123]

Thank you. I needed this. I know do not resuscitate is the right decision for me, but I still miss him. (It's only been 1.5 weeks since last contact, 3 weeks since he vaguely (confused language) broke up with me by text (preemptively, I expect, looking for me to chase/reassure his insecurities)). I got off the roller coaster fairly quickly, so I'm fighting against mostly good memories and emotions that want to frame the bad behaviors as aborations, rather than accept that it will only get worse. I'm old enough to know better, and to know that I cannot risk exposing my kids long term to someone who is obviously unstable. Reading things like this helps.

[LimboFL]

I concur, beautifully written. As a writer, there is little I enjoy more than the eloquence of a masterfully composed set of words.

The message behind the words, was as impact-full as the delivery.

It is truly shocking how deeply these relationships impact our souls.

Thank you. 

[Mazzy]

Thank you all for the kind words. For the wealth of posts and literature I leaned on in the past, the least we can do is give something back to those who are just starting or are in the throes of the BPD experience.

I feel that I should add a few things to actually help versus my previous post.

Caveats aplenty... .

1.) Change it all up. Everything if possible. Much as I dislike 'trigger' culture, with regards to true trauma, mitigating these instances can be controlled to an extent. If there are potential legal reasons to hold on to prior/current/future correspondence, by all means hold onto it. However, we do ourselves more harm holding the hot coals of memories, trinkets, gifts, letters, etc.

Cast them into the void where they no longer hold power over you. They may have meant something in the moment, but as of now, they are as fake as the affections that kept us hooked. Change your ringtones, too. I switched my tones every few weeks just for good measure. Hell, turn the thing off for a day or two. Enjoy the silence of your design.

2.) If you're able, find a therapist you're comfortable with. As badly as we're hurt by our BPDex's, sometimes we have our own demons that existed long before they came onto the scene. Co-dependency is an oft-repeating buzz word. And it's true. I was/am a starting gate fixer due to my mother (long story there... .). You don't get to pick your family.

What happens to us as children is not our fault. We were all at the mercy of our caregivers for better or worse. And as cruel as it is, as adults, we are saddled with all of the baggage. I'd wager most people go through their lives without ever once addressing those wounds. Those that do, and really, really suffer through the process emerge much more whole and infinitely wiser. I'm living proof (One and a half years of voluntary therapy).

Therapy is stigmatized, so if you're not comfortable telling anyone, don't advertise it. But if you go for it, let it all out. Drain the wounds of your soul, so to speak, no matter how ugly. And... .don't be surprised if you take long naps right after sessions if they were particularly emotional. That's just your body telling you it needs a rest. Mental hygiene is every bit as important as any other. Read: Most people you meet in life are filthy upstairs.

3.) Most people dedicate inordinate amounts of time to the study of the inconsequential. Some men will learn everything about an engine block to a vehicle they'll only own for two years. Where should that time be vested instead? Understanding people. We're a complex species, every person erupts from the human spectrum onto this little blue prison we call Earth (sorry, cynic at heart). No one person is entirely predictable, but a wise man once said, "Common sense is knowledge of patterns." I was an avid reader and writer before meeting the ex. All of that stopped once I was discarded. I had to understand her, people like her, in totality.

Almost all of my free time was spent leaning back on my old college texts, forums, testimonials, academic articles. The works. All in an effort to make sense of the senseless, arm myself with knowledge of the most dangerous species in the known universe (us), and codifying behaviors/red flags to keep in mind. Warning: Hyper-vigilance is part and parcel for people fresh out of BPD interactions. It's normal. It's healthy. But after enough time, it hinders us. Don't be afraid of engaging in new experiences or meeting new people. But only do so when you're ready. It doesn't matter how much time that is. You don't just get over it. We all heal on our own time. If someone tells you to do so, try not to get angry with them. It is a minimizing statement, but more often than not, many people don't understand that and, in their own way, just want to see you get better. Smile, nod, and go about your healing.

4.) Your gut. Trust it. That's emotional intelligence at work. Thank the evolutionary remains of our lizard brains for keeping silent watch for us. That horrible twisting in your gut, that feeling of the world falling out from under you? That's the lizard telling you something is very, very wrong. It doesn't lie to you, and it isn't squeamish about making itself known. It's had epochs to get good at its job, best pay heed to your genetic elder, yes?

5.) Avoid dating until you're ready. A warm body and an ounce of comfort can help stave all of the horrible psychic wounds we've endured, but it's neither fair to you or the other party if you're not in a place to reciprocate with the fullness of your heart. Monkey branching from person to person leaves a graveyard of broken hearts and bad feelings. It's bad personal policy and, in my mind, a huge red flag. Go a year single and comfortable in your own company and that gets my attention.

Moreover, one of the greatest benefits of the BPD experience is us taking stock of what we will and will not tolerate in a partner. Deal-breakers, red flags, proverbial 'hills' we're willing to die on, more or less. Your ability to walk away from treatment that does not serve you is the greatest hand in your deck. Use it only when necessary. In essence, be a good person, but not too good.

... .more to come as I think of them

[StandingTall]

Mazzy,

  This is BEAUTIFULLY written. I have copied and pasted this into a document I can look at whenever I need encouragement to stay the course.

Congratulations on your journey! You are an inspiration.

PW

agree

[rotiroti]

Mazzy, wow thank you so  much for sharing your words with me. I love how you described it as the Samson option --

Something wonderful happened, though. I no longer cared. The icy feeling in my chest, the fight or flight reactions, being on the verge of tears; all gone. I'd detached.

this is where I am currently at and hope to have the same epilogue some day. Thanks for sharing your hope and experience

[Mazzy]

Thank you. I needed this. I know do not resuscitate is the right decision for me, but I still miss him. (It's only been 1.5 weeks since last contact, 3 weeks since he vaguely (confused language) broke up with me by text (preemptively, I expect, looking for me to chase/reassure his insecurities)). I got off the roller coaster fairly quickly, so I'm fighting against mostly good memories and emotions that want to frame the bad behaviors as aborations, rather than accept that it will only get worse. I'm old enough to know better, and to know that I cannot risk exposing my kids long term to someone who is obviously unstable. Reading things like this helps.

Happy to help. I remember quite vividly the first few weeks of do not resuscitate. Everything about it felt wrong. A mentor once told me that true adulthood and maturity is manifested when we're capable of feeling two powerful, but ultimately conflicting emotions at once. It hurts because it is supposed to. But consider the words of Ovid (paraphrasing): Though it hurts now, the pain will be of use to you someday.

The good memories do co-mingle with the bad. It's completely natural. Whenever I found myself waxing eloquent in my head, I made it a point to remember the really awful, dirty, deplorable things she did to me and a host of many unfortunate people. Some of these folks have enough silver in their tongues to slay werewolves. Doesn't make them great people, though.

All I can recommend is to stay the course. So soon after a discard, we are very much wounded. There's no real eloquent way to put it. Hoping/longing for contact of any kind is natural as well. We seek validation from the one who hurt us. This harkens back to our primate ancestors. The fear of rejection and being ousted from the tribe is a primal hurt we suffer as human beings. As social creatures, we react badly to such treatment.

Unfortunately, the pwBPD is not able to apply a salve to the wounds they created. They're neither capable or interested in doing anything that does not serve them. Ever.

So there we are, ousted, left for dead, grieving, and hoping for the one who hurt us to make it all better.

That's where the real work (and growth!) begins.

You sound very self-aware and 'in control'. Stick to that. And children need not be exposed to personalities such as your ex's. It's okay to feel hate and anger. It's an appropriate emotional response to being wronged. If they prick us, do we not bleed?

But Mark Twain said it best, "Anger is an acid that does more harm to the vessel containing it than anything it is poured on." Feel it, let it out in whatever healthy manner suits you, and go about your life. Emotions are elemental and somewhat tidal. They come and go. Don't disparage yourself for feeling anything that's to crop up in the immediate future.

A film named 'The Babadook' came out not too long ago. Without spoiling anything, every human being has their own Babadook to wrestle with.

What is that? It's grief. It's trauma. It's pain. There are some wounds that don't exactly heal, but you learn to live with them. In essence, sometimes our Babadook's need to be fed with tears, and rage, and grief. Once it's sated, it retreats below into our sub-conscience.

To finish: Make it a month and see how you feel. Then two, then ten. If and when he creeps around, make your shield against him a mosaic of memories that hurt you most. Don't necessarily re-live them, but to serve as reminders of what you're defending yourself, and your children against. You all deserve better.

After enough time has passed, the weight of the shield becomes too heavy and you'll find you no longer need it. Your heart and mind will have healed and learned to defend itself.

Hope that helps.

[Mazzy]

Mazzy, wow thank you so  much for sharing your words with me. I love how you described it as the Samson option --

Something wonderful happened, though. I no longer cared. The icy feeling in my chest, the fight or flight reactions, being on the verge of tears; all gone. I'd detached.

this is where I am currently at and hope to have the same epilogue some day. Thanks for sharing your hope and experience

Detachment sneaks up on you with a coolness that is a strange mix of bliss and peace. But even I have bad days, too. 

[Caley]

"Why else would we gravitate towards a forum such as this had we not suffered at the hands of others?"

To demonize her is a trap ... in time, if you look a little deeper ... you will see she gave you a gift ... she was showing you that you were not being kind ... or honest with yourself. That you were not a victim of an 'other' but a victim of your own separation of Self, and the erroneous ideas that you have about yourself through past conditioning and your family of origin. When you accept this truth ... you will easily be able ... not only to accept your love for her, but her love for you ... that she wanted you to love yourself ... and then you will healthily detach with gratitude, humility and grace ... you will see that she came to help you on your journey ... she was reflecting ... back to you ... your own lack of self respect ...

Pretty tough job for her ... wouldn't you say? And now she has to go do the same again with someone else ... whilst you get to wake up and live, love and have a lot of fun ... !

The only way out ... is love.

[Mutt]

The only way out ... is love.

It should never be utilized to spur a response from your ex, nor as a means to punish. There's a long process before your rational brain takes the wheel, but in your silence and grief, you can take solace in knowing that the only person on this earth who has your best interest at heart is you. There's grace in that. The person you fell in love with was yourself mirrored back at you. Fancy that, eh?

[hopealways]

Great post! Thank you, I encourage everyone to read this.

[everprincess]

Thank you for these posts. I needed to read this today.

[Fr4nz]

"Why else would we gravitate towards a forum such as this had we not suffered at the hands of others?"

To demonize her is a trap ... in time, if you look a little deeper ... you will see she gave you a gift ... she was showing you that you were not being kind ... or honest with yourself. That you were not a victim of an 'other' but a victim of your own separation of Self, and the erroneous ideas that you have about yourself through past conditioning and your family of origin. When you accept this truth ... you will easily be able ... not only to accept your love for her, but her love for you ... that she wanted you to love yourself ... and then you will healthily detach with gratitude, humility and grace ... you will see that she came to help you on your journey ... she was reflecting ... back to you ... your own lack of self respect ...

Pretty tough job for her ... wouldn't you say? And now she has to go do the same again with someone else ... whilst you get to wake up and live, love and have a lot of fun ... !

The only way out ... is love.

I agree with the statements above... .a relationship with a BPD/HPD is a gift IF we are able to learn more about ourselves at the end of the process. To this end, reading the posts of 2010 can be really useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

[Tangy]

Thank you so much for this post.   After 2 months of NC... .I can say that it definitely has been the best thing. I cannot imagine where I'd be had I tried to contact him, or look him up, or ask about him.

All the panic in my chest is gone. I still get sad and angry, and I cry... .but at least its not a 24/7 almost panic attack... .

[Yolo]

This is as beautifully articulated as it is true 

[helpmewithbpd]

It was good to read that some else has made it through,  i myself have had one contact in 4 months and still miss her as much as i did at the start of it all,  I'm really struggling with it all and can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet,  i have days of nothin be anxiety and despair,  i feel bad but I which I just knew she still cared about me at least a little part,  in the 4 months she has made no form of contact or anything like that,  and as we live in a small town i have to drive past her every now and then as i did the other day and she will wave but will not even look at me at all.  I keep thinking it have only been 4 months go easy on myself ( it was a 6 year rs) but it just feels like I'm never going to get there at all,  I'm seeing a shrink ever 2 weeks to help but still this is just sending my brain to mush trying to deal with this,  but thank you for your post it definitely gives me some hope,  I just also struggle with that fact that there are many stories on her about them reaching out and my ex hasn't and don't believe ever will.

[hibye]

It was good to read that some else has made it through,  i myself have had one contact in 4 months and still miss her as much as i did at the start of it all,  I'm really struggling with it all and can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet,  i have days of nothin be anxiety and despair,  i feel bad but I which I just knew she still cared about me at least a little part,  in the 4 months she has made no form of contact or anything like that,  and as we live in a small town i have to drive past her every now and then as i did the other day and she will wave but will not even look at me at all.  I keep thinking it have only been 4 months go easy on myself ( it was a 6 year rs) but it just feels like I'm never going to get there at all,  I'm seeing a shrink ever 2 weeks to help but still this is just sending my brain to mush trying to deal with this,  but thank you for your post it definitely gives me some hope,  I just also struggle with that fact that there are many stories on her about them reaching out and my ex hasn't and don't believe ever will.

Don't wave at her when you bump into her again and she will probably contact you. If she calls pretend to be happy and tell her that you were distracted by something else and didn't see her.

6 years was quite a big time i trully believe she will eventually appear but even if she doesn't you know who you are... you don't need a confirmation from someone with issues... try not to blame her and forgive her.

I unblocked mine from FB (just like Mazzy did) after 7 months and she sent a friend request to my cousin. I think she just wants to be around messing everything up even though she is with my replacement.

Be strong man... we owe that to ourselves.

[Corgicuddler95]

Thank you for all this

I went through a two month phase of do not resuscitate but i could of helped myself more by not checking her social media accounts or asking friends how she is.

This week just after I thought I had got some closure she snapped and started saying she never wants to hear from me again. From the sounds of it I'll likely never have to see her again, I've told my friends to try avoiding bringing her up in coversation and never tell me how she is. If she's going to act like this then she clearly doesn't want me to care and quite frankly I feel so much more free no longer having to worry about her.

[chump]

Damn Mazzy, powerfully well stated. So glad you decided to post.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks. I think in on the other side too. Well done 

[Rameses]

Mazzy, thank you for your post! Well written and so profound. Just what I needed.

I will continue to bump this post.

[Mazzy]

Goodness, I'm happy a humble little post has helped you all in some way or another. The No Contact-to-DNR change... .interesting. That's a good graph to go by. Green Zone would be ideal in a perfect world. Unfortunately, sometimes you come into contact with a person (BPD or otherwise) that has the potential to harm us on the long term. Nailing the proverbial door closed, especially in retrospect, does come off as incredibly cruel. But the only person who has your best interests at heart is you.

There's days now where I entertain the idea of vocalizing that bygones are bygones, but know well enough that the door needs to remain closed.

There's some kind of healing in that: Having a mostly neutral emotional affect towards someone, but knowing on a rational level that no good will come from any further communication.

Live and learn, folks.