POLL: What's your relationship with anger?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I thought this would be an interesting topic, since anger is a "loaded" emotion culturally.  We get so many messages about anger growing up.  Here are some possible "messages" to get you thinking, see if any of these seem familiar, either from what you were taught, or what your family, community and/or religion modelled, to get you thinking.

Good girls don't get angry.

Anger is not an acceptable emotion.

Anger is the only acceptable emotion.

Angry feelings inevitably lead to angry actions, so anger is bad.

There's no use getting angry, you can't change it.

What are you so angry about?  

Temper, temper.

So-and so has a bad temper.

Turn the other cheek.

Forgive and forget.

[eeks]

I thought this would be an interesting topic, since anger is a "loaded" emotion culturally.  We get so many messages about anger growing up.  Here are some possible "messages" to get you thinking, see if any of these seem familiar, either from what you were taught, or what your family, community and/or religion modelled, to get you thinking.

Good girls don't get angry.

Anger is not an acceptable emotion.

Anger is the only acceptable emotion.

Angry feelings inevitably lead to angry actions, so anger is bad.

There's no use getting angry, you can't change it.

What are you so angry about?  

Temper, temper.

So-and so has a bad temper.

Turn the other cheek.

Forgive and forget.

[SGraham]

I think the key is to introspectively acknowledge what exactly is making you angry. I know that many of the things that make me angry are fairly specific and irrational, and simply knowing this helps me defuse the anger more properly.

[valet]

My relationship with anger is a pretty good one. Sure, I get angry from time to time when my buttons are pressed by a situation. I see anger as a valuable tool that can help us realize our internal boundaries. I only get angry if I feel that I have been wronged in some way. So, really, anger is a question.

After I settle down and think, I tend to learn a lot about myself, and my horizons expand.

We cannot avoid anger. It happens. I consider it my own personal responsibility to myself to make sure that I, or anyone else, is/are not harmed because of actions spurted by my emotions. My anger is mine. It is no one else's!

[fromheeltoheal]

Anger is a secondary emotion; there's always something under it, usually a hurt like lack of love or lack of respect.  The key is to feel it all the way, while avoiding acting on it in a way that will make things worse and/or that we'll regret, by feeling the emotion but not being it, standing off to one side and noticing it, a detached place, but most importantly, digging deep enough to discover what's under it, that's where the value and potential growth are.

I knew all that before I could practice it well, and spent a stretch indulging in boiled -over rage that fortunately didn't include the need for apologies or jail time, but that too was a gift, since anger is also an alarm that a boundary had been busted, which forced me to look closely at that boundary and choose to change it or change whom I hang out with, and I did a little of both.

[HappyNihilist]

You know, this poll really made me stop and think. I realized that I actually can't recall a time when I've been angry in the past few months. Well, except for road rage (the vile-curses-to-myself kind, not the reactive kind) - which is getting better, but still there. I haven't thought about my lack of anger until this moment.

For one thing, I'm on medication that prevents my hyper-sensitive, irritable hypomanic phases - which is a big help. 

But I think it's also because I've come to a place of acceptance and balance, where I feel like I've addressed my deep fears and vulnerabilities - not necessarily conquered them, but understand and accept them. My self-esteem is tons better, and I no longer carry the inwardly-directed anger from my core wounds. I've learned to recognize and overcome when I personalize something and feel defensive. I have a clear understanding of my values, so it's much easier for me to judge accurately when my boundaries and values are truly being challenged, versus me just perceiving that they are.

When I do have my dark thoughts, I turn to writing, or some other creative project, or video games. I don't judge myself for having these thoughts. Instead of being afraid of them, I write them down or express them in some other way.

All of these things have just naturally, seamlessly led to a drastic reduction in anger.

[Ihope2]

I became angry this past weekend about a so-called friend of mine.  She basically knows that I went through a very difficult and painful time 2013 - 2014 with a marriage and subsequent divorce with a very damaged individual.  She has had her fair share of hardship and personal loss in life, so I do expect her to respect my experiences.

But I can see that this is another of those friendships I seriously have to question as to whether I really see myself continuing the friendship... .

She knows I've been divorced and out of my marriage for just over a year now and I am in the process of healing and moving forward.

And yet, she tried to match make me with a family member of a friend of hers.  This guy doesn't even live anywhere near here, he lives in a city 9 hours drive away in a car.

He just happened to be in our city quite out of the blue and staying with her and her husband for a few days.

So she has this habit of building up expectations about people about one another:  I believe this guy is currently unemployed and also came out of an unhappy relationship.

Clearly she has been feeding him ideas about me.  She invited me over for dinner the other evening.

I didn't want to go, but it was my birthday recently and she kind of implied that she wanted to invite me over because she missed my birthday.  So out of some sense of duty and wanting to honour her  intention of "celebrating" my birthday (or so I thought), I went along.  And this guy was just too interested in me, making prolonged eye contact with me, hanging on my every word, agreeing with everything I say, commenting on how interesting my point is, etc etc.  And did he ever over-share personal information about himself.  I could tell that my friend had completely buttered him up towards me and suggested that I would be a nice girl to get to know!

I behaved like a polite dinner guest, making polite conversation with all around the dinner table and taking my leave politely when the evening was done.  My friend tried to  get an invite from me to them to come and have dinner at my place, but I stalled and refused to commit myself.

And then, the following day, a missed call from her and a text message to say, did I enjoy the other evening, and "MrX" thinks I'm nice and he would like to have coffee with me.  "Just as a friend".

Man!  I was and am so angry about this and I'm having to set myself down and stay with the angry feelings and try to work out what is at the bottom of this for me.

I wrote back a very contained text message, that this guy seems very sweet but that I am really not interested in male company at this point.

Am I angry that my friend tried to pass me around to some guy she knows like a packet of candy? Am I feeling betrayed again, because I expect my friend to honour my pain and hurt I've been through and to rally around me and protect me, not expose me to random guys who are desperate for a girl?  I really feel angry that she doesn't even take into account what a rough time I have had in my personal life, and she just expects me to get over it and be ready for the next man.

Wow, I have a lot going on here... .issues I need to work through.

[eeks]

Anger is a secondary emotion; there's always something under it, usually a hurt like lack of love or lack of respect. 

but that too was a gift, since anger is also an alarm that a boundary had been busted

I've heard both these concepts before, about anger, and that has at least a little bit to do with why I posted the question.  It's nuanced and potentially complex.  Anger is telling you something important.  But what?  Discerning those messages can be tricky especially for those with a history of co-dependency - because anger is a boundary-setting emotion, I suspect a lot of people with co-dependent traits would report that their FOO censored anger (and/or there was only one person in the family who was "allowed" to express anger). 

I got the message growing up though that, outside the home, expression of anger would result in my immediate rejection from individual relationships and ostracism by the community. 

I do find upon investigating it myself that anger is a "short-lived" emotion, quickly gives way to whatever was underneath it.  However, I still struggle with expressing legitimate complaints in relationships in a healthy way. 

[eeks]

You know, this poll really made me stop and think. I realized that I actually can't recall a time when I've been angry in the past few months. Well, except for road rage (the vile-curses-to-myself kind, not the reactive kind) - which is getting better, but still there. I haven't thought about my lack of anger until this moment.

For one thing, I'm on medication that prevents my hyper-sensitive, irritable hypomanic phases - which is a big help. 

But I think it's also because I've come to a place of acceptance and balance, where I feel like I've addressed my deep fears and vulnerabilities - not necessarily conquered them, but understand and accept them. My self-esteem is tons better, and I no longer carry the inwardly-directed anger from my core wounds. I've learned to recognize and overcome when I personalize something and feel defensive. I have a clear understanding of my values, so it's much easier for me to judge accurately when my boundaries and values are truly being challenged, versus me just perceiving that they are.

When I do have my dark thoughts, I turn to writing, or some other creative project, or video games. I don't judge myself for having these thoughts. Instead of being afraid of them, I write them down or express them in some other way.

All of these things have just naturally, seamlessly led to a drastic reduction in anger.

That's interesting, it sounds like the medication sort of evens things out for you, but also that you have done enough emotional work that a self-regulating structure is in place, such that whatever unmet emotional need anger might have clued you into in the past, now it gets dealt with... .before it even gets to the point of a reaction, it seems.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Anger is a secondary emotion; there's always something under it, usually a hurt like lack of love or lack of respect.  

but that too was a gift, since anger is also an alarm that a boundary had been busted

I've heard both these concepts before, about anger, and that has at least a little bit to do with why I posted the question.  It's nuanced and potentially complex.  Anger is telling you something important.  But what?  :)iscerning those messages can be tricky especially for those with a history of co-dependency - because anger is a boundary-setting emotion, I suspect a lot of people with co-dependent traits would report that their FOO censored anger (and/or there was only one person in the family who was "allowed" to express anger).  

I got the message growing up though that, outside the home, expression of anger would result in my immediate rejection from individual relationships and ostracism by the community.

My thing growing up was fear; I learned that people who are 'nice' avoid confrontation, so I did 'nice', and it worked.  Mostly.  Of course the downside was that stuffing anger eats you up inside and morphs into resentment, and it took decades to get to a place of realizing that expressing anger is a way, THE way, to rid myself of it, release that energy, avoid that resentment, be done with carrying it around.  And that can lead to some 'impassioned' conversations, but the good ones end up getting through the anger and getting to what's really going on, the hurt under it, and having those conversations can make my relationships stronger and closer.  Scary though, but fck it, too old to care, letting freak flag fly.

I heard a quote I like: "A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have."

I do find upon investigating it myself that anger is a "short-lived" emotion, quickly gives way to whatever was underneath it.  However, I still struggle with expressing legitimate complaints in relationships in a healthy way.  

Yes, it's a process and practice is good, and with the right focus we're inspired to practice.  And the more intimate the relationship the more challenging those conversations, ones with my ex were a terrible place to practice, led to insanity for me, but that was that, and one thing about digging into stuff with folks is we learn pretty quickly whom we want to keep in our lives and whom we don't.

[purekalm]

Considering anger for me has been in the random, sudden rage mode for years, yeah I'm scared of it. Growing up, oh yeah, I was completely filled with it. Anger wasn't a bad emotion, just when it was turned into rage, that's when I actually "felt" it from my parents. As a child, me and siblings took out our anger and frustration physically on each other, playfully or serious. Now, I realize that's why I want to hit somebody when I get like this... .heh

I have done a lot of work, more than anyone in my family, because I knew I had issues just didn't know quite what they all were. But, because I've had to deal with my husband for so long in the same instance as my dad and my younger sister and mom, all trigger people for me... .Quick breakdown, My dad, husband both undiagnosed BPD. My younger sister always saw me as the good one and hated me for it and has been in competition with me my whole life that I've never even participated in. My mom has always been critical, was abusive to the point of whatever was close is what got thrown but mainly took out her anger on my younger sister. My dad punched walls, broke doors, threw pets... .My sister did the same except for the pets. My mom and said sister used to physically fight and on two different occasions broke the glass of our back and front door by shoving each other. My brother's ok but on one occasion he flipped, shoved me into a corner and punched me a few times real quick before he realized what he was doing and then ran away. He's tried to keep a lid on his anger since then, he was completely remorseful.

So, on my end I had to be perfect. I had to keep it together. It was up to me to fix everything and if I couldn't I was a miserable failure. Get the picture? I had an ulcer before I was a teenager and at 15 shut myself down, forcibly made myself stop feeling or caring. I was codependent and I was ticked. I was angry because they couldn't get it together no matter what I did. I was angry that I couldn't figure it out. I was angry that my mom and dad treated me like their counselor because I was so mature. I was angry because I couldn't escape. I was angry for being put on a pedestal in front of my siblings, classmates. I was just plain freaking angry.

Then it all turned to hate. I hated them and I hated myself. And that's when the rage came. I wanted them to drop dead, I wanted to die in a way that I suffered horribly so I would get what I deserved. I hated them for being homeless as a teenager, for not caring enough to love me and my siblings and were always so wrapped up in each other and their mess. I HATED! And even writing this, I can feel a lot of that still. I hated not getting to have a fighting chance.

But now, having a son of my own who is hopelessly sensitive and not even really getting to feel any negative emotions because he totally flips out, I just feel so trapped and all the rage comes back to the surface if I don't deal with it. In my depression, I'm a completely different person and I've said some horrible things to him. I screamed, screamed in my four year old's face... .:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(  (He's almost six now and he's always been everything to me I just lost myself and nothing can take back my actions. I can only hope one day he'll be able to forgive me. Not that I haven't asked him already and he's just "I love you mommy" :'( :'( :'(... .) That's the moment I nitpicked with a fine tooth comb what was triggering my depression and now as soon as I feel it start to come I kick it anyway I can. I will NEVER be like that again. I just hate I could get that far down in the first place... .

I hate myself so much for not being able to get it together and that's why I've worked so hard and decided I can't do this anymore. I was becoming a monster like him, and it totally flipped me out. I don't expect anyone to understand. Not everyone can go through as much crazy as I have and still be freaking sane. Sometimes I'm not so sure I am, but that's when I'm beating myself up again. Having so much rage for so long and not knowing exactly how to fix it and having no one to talk to about it, (not like I can talk to a counselor about rage in the middle of a child abuse case, they wouldn't have understood and thought it was me) it's made me feel so worthless. Anger, that's nothing, rage, that's scary.

One thing I've discovered on this long hard road is that rage is, for me, built up negative emotions. Just a whole mixed bag of stuff that I never dealt with or felt like I couldn't. Since I figured that out it's been much better. I try to deal with the anger, the sadness, the loss and just all those negative emotions when they come. They can't pile up, they can't explode. It's directed towards the right person, usually my husband. I'd stuff it and it'd come out on someone else and it just wasn't fair, but it happened. I really don't want to post this, because I know I have PTSD over anything relating to my son or any possible reason someone would have for trying to remove him from the home... .but... .if I don't I'm just stuffing it again. Maybe there is someone who can relate. Maybe there is someone who needs to know it doesn't last forever if you deal with it... .I don't know... .but here it goes... .:'(

[unicorn2014]

I thought this would be an interesting topic, since anger is a "loaded" emotion culturally.  We get so many messages about anger growing up.  Here are some possible "messages" to get you thinking, see if any of these seem familiar, either from what you were taught, or what your family, community and/or religion modelled, to get you thinking.

Good girls don't get angry.

Anger is not an acceptable emotion.

Anger is the only acceptable emotion.

Angry feelings inevitably lead to angry actions, so anger is bad.

There's no use getting angry, you can't change it.

What are you so angry about? 

Temper, temper.

So-and so has a bad temper.

Turn the other cheek.

Forgive and forget.

Thank you for posting this. It reminds me of the first step in aca where you answer questions about messages you received about yourself as a child and teen.

I know my mother couldn't handle my anger. I also believe she has some personality disorder traits. I know that today I can manage my anger through the emotional regulation tools of dbt including mindfulness of emotion and opposite action. Anger is a very complex emotion.

[eeks]

Hi purekalm, looks like you are new to the Personal Inventory board... .welcome

But now, having a son of my own who is hopelessly sensitive and not even really getting to feel any negative emotions because he totally flips out, I just feel so trapped and all the rage comes back to the surface if I don't deal with it. In my depression, I'm a completely different person and I've said some horrible things to him. I screamed, screamed in my four year old's face... .:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(  (He's almost six now and he's always been everything to me I just lost myself and nothing can take back my actions. I can only hope one day he'll be able to forgive me. Not that I haven't asked him already and he's just "I love you mommy" :'( :'( :'(... .) That's the moment I nitpicked with a fine tooth comb what was triggering my depression and now as soon as I feel it start to come I kick it anyway I can. I will NEVER be like that again. I just hate I could get that far down in the first place... .

I hate myself so much for not being able to get it together and that's why I've worked so hard and decided I can't do this anymore. I was becoming a monster like him, and it totally flipped me out. I don't expect anyone to understand. Not everyone can go through as much crazy as I have and still be freaking sane. Sometimes I'm not so sure I am, but that's when I'm beating myself up again. Having so much rage for so long and not knowing exactly how to fix it and having no one to talk to about it, (not like I can talk to a counselor about rage in the middle of a child abuse case, they wouldn't have understood and thought it was me) it's made me feel so worthless. Anger, that's nothing, rage, that's scary.

One thing I've discovered on this long hard road is that rage is, for me, built up negative emotions. Just a whole mixed bag of stuff that I never dealt with or felt like I couldn't. Since I figured that out it's been much better. I try to deal with the anger, the sadness, the loss and just all those negative emotions when they come. They can't pile up, they can't explode. It's directed towards the right person, usually my husband. I'd stuff it and it'd come out on someone else and it just wasn't fair, but it happened. I really don't want to post this, because I know I have PTSD over anything relating to my son or any possible reason someone would have for trying to remove him from the home... .but... .if I don't I'm just stuffing it again. Maybe there is someone who can relate. Maybe there is someone who needs to know it doesn't last forever if you deal with it... .I don't know... .but here it goes... .:'(

You wrote "I hate myself so much for not being able to get it together".  I think one of the most important (and most difficult) balances to keep when you are in a personal growth and healing process, is to have compassion for yourself, even if you realize your behaviour is not healthy.

I'm not sure what you mean by "in the middle of a child abuse case", but I would hope that a skilled therapist or counsellor would do more than just say "it's you", they would help you understand yourself better, and recognize that as a survivor of trauma and abuse, you have valid reasons to be angry, even as they help you find healthier ways to deal with and express that anger.

You said you didn't want to post this, but I'm glad you did, it takes courage.  It's pretty hard to change something if you don't talk about it.  It sounds to me like you care about your son and you really want to be there for him the way he needs you to be, and that's been a big part of what's motivated you to do the self-awareness work you've already done.

Do you have concerns that your behaviour towards your son in the past was such that there is a risk he would be removed from your home if people found out about it now?

[purekalm]

Hi eeks,

Thank you.

Yes I do realize that, but it is hard having grown up the way I did and always having to rely on myself, which isn't healthy or reliable when I myself am a mess.  

Yes, I posted about the case when I first came here and vented out some of my frustrations. It's not something I like to talk about. In short, my husband was blamed, my son was only four and a half months old at the time. He went to jail for forty days and they no billed him, but it was a little over a year long process to work out everything. My son stayed with me the entire time, although they wanted to take him from me because I didn't think my husband caused him any harm, which to them was just as bad because my son would technically be put in harm's way again... .They were fully prepared to send him to prison and kept telling me that was the most likely outcome. We both and son had lawyers and a grand jury trial... .the most difficult time in my life. It was supposed to be the happiest, but that was ripped away... .:'( :'( :'(

I was afraid to admit that I was angry, because I knew what they were doing and she had to report for court. I'm sure she could see it though. I continued to see her for two years until she got another job to work with teens. The one they replaced her with didn't mesh at all with me so that was the end of counseling. But, because she was a great counselor I did learn a lot, about myself and others in my life. She is actually the one who noticed my anger and some of the physical signs and helped me to realize it so I could start to control it. 

Yes, I almost just deleted it because I have PTSD when it comes to this topic. I panic. I have taken my son to the doctor for almost everything and of course they got mad at me, but I was so scared that any excuse would be used to take him from me. Both mine and my husband's lawyers said that if anything ever happened again we both would be thrown in jail without question and my son taken from me... .:'( :'( :'( :'(  It's terrifying and debilitating. The threat has eased some over the years, but if anything seems to head that way at all I get extremely hypersensitive of that fact. It's hard enough being a first time mother, but to be told again and again that you're not good enough, you can't protect him, what's wrong with you why won't you just say he did it, and being scrutinized for every decision you make, it's like, who wouldn't have issues? Even if they were relatively normal before the situation. And then to also have the husband say he wishes I was in jail instead of him or at least with him because I'm his parent too and his total lack of concern for either of us because of his BPD, which I had no idea of. I was numb. I was like a robot. Yes ma'am. Yes sir. Whatever you say because you know best. It's so painful. :'( :'(

No, because I never hurt him. If anything I treated him like a glass doll and wouldn't hardly let him do anything. You know how terrifying it was when he started crawling, or learning to walk and I couldn't stop him from every single bump? I about had a heart attack multiple times on a daily basis. My mom would constantly tell me that he wasn't glass and he has to learn. But I don't think I fully began to relax until he was three. I knew then that no one was going to look at me like I was abusive just because he ended up with a bump from playing or doing some crazy things kids do. But, the fear, it's still there.

Being isolated, alone and not being able to be myself or having anyone I could truly share how I felt with intensified my feelings of anger for sure. But, I still worked on myself any way that I could. After going through that insane ordeal, still living with two of the people who made me a mess as I grew up, dealing with my sister and everything else. I mean, I seriously wonder HOW I did not go insane. I'm serious. My faith in God is the only reason I can give. I have slowly but surely worked through the severity of my depression and the reasons behind it. I have accepted that there are reasons why people, including me, do things but I will no longer treat them as excuses to act out said behavior. I have come to a place I never thought I would reach and I know there is so much farther to go. But, I can share now, whereas before I would just clam up. I can see my faults and work to correct them instead of be so scared to see my parents in myself.

I'm glad you asked the tough questions, it made me have to really look at it again. 

[Michelle27]

Anger has been a difficult one for me to deal with.  Almost a year ago when I thought I was angry at my stbxh for years of raging and abuse, I put myself into counseling to find a way to forgive.  My ex claimed he wanted to fix things and would do whatever it took to fix it.  It's also when I found out the details about a suspected affair years ago, and learned it was a year long one with a "friend" of mine.  A few months of therapy and I realized that it wasn't him I was angry at, it was me.  I was angry at myself for tolerating everything that I did for so many years, making excuses for it and allowing my kids to be subjected to it. 

Anger was something I found difficult growing up.  I think I became a kind of peacemaker for my friends and FOO. So feeling the anger I did a year ago was uncomfortable and I didn't know how to cope with it.  I'm in a better place now but still find anger uncomfortable, although now I understand it as a signal that I need to pay attention to, not try to swallow.