I'm envious of her being able to flip that switch and tune everything out.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just read someone else post titled wrecking ball. The one sentence that really resonated with me so much is in the subject matter. I Copied the exact sentence into the subject matter. Hope the original person who created the sentence doesn't mind me borrowing it. If you do I apologize. For the past couple of weeks it has been really bothering me as to the light switch that they can flip and just tune everything out. It really ticks me off and has me envious that I can't do the same thing. I don't think mine is dating right now but I can clearly see that I am painted black or at least semi black if there is such a thing. I don't know about everyone's experience but with mine it seems as though if she shuts you out all of a sudden then what exactly is the problem with treating someone like that. She can't understand how I would be upset from such an action or any action she has executed that I know damn well is not normal. You put in so much with these people and they can just flip a switch immediately to tune things out. How the hell is this humanly possible even with a disordered mind how can a human being share experiences that are so intimate for so long and just at the drop of a dime tune things out. It's almost as if they have an emotion off button that when they are feeling bad they just say "nope I don't like that hold on let me press this button... .ahhhhh all better ". I don't quite grasp this concept it is beyond astonishing to me. 

[AG]

I just read someone else post titled wrecking ball. The one sentence that really resonated with me so much is in the subject matter. I Copied the exact sentence into the subject matter. Hope the original person who created the sentence doesn't mind me borrowing it. If you do I apologize. For the past couple of weeks it has been really bothering me as to the light switch that they can flip and just tune everything out. It really ticks me off and has me envious that I can't do the same thing. I don't think mine is dating right now but I can clearly see that I am painted black or at least semi black if there is such a thing. I don't know about everyone's experience but with mine it seems as though if she shuts you out all of a sudden then what exactly is the problem with treating someone like that. She can't understand how I would be upset from such an action or any action she has executed that I know damn well is not normal. You put in so much with these people and they can just flip a switch immediately to tune things out. How the hell is this humanly possible even with a disordered mind how can a human being share experiences that are so intimate for so long and just at the drop of a dime tune things out. It's almost as if they have an emotion off button that when they are feeling bad they just say "nope I don't like that hold on let me press this button... .ahhhhh all better ". I don't quite grasp this concept it is beyond astonishing to me. 

[Mutt]

Hi AG,

I can see how much that hurts us when we're tuned out. I don't envy that with my ex. There's good and bad and the space in-between.

Honestly, I think that I'm the best man that she lost. How many good people did our ex partners lose in their lives because of defense mechanisms?

[AG]

Hi AG,

I can see how much that hurts us when we're tuned out. I don't envy that with my ex. There's good and bad and the space in-between.

Honestly, I think that I'm the best man that she lost. How many good people did our ex partners lose in their lives because of defense mechanisms?

Well I just spoke with mine today and she apparently has lost everyone to my knowledge. The few that are there are seemingly fake friendships or not close friendships. The few that I am talking about are probably in the 1 or 2 range. She has burned bridges pretty much everywhere. Mutt I have thought about that very question and I think they seemingly find a great deal of good people and burn those bridges quite often if not most of the time. You would have to be an extremely empathetic kind hearted person to try to make these things work. I can't speak for all but I know my ex's case most people don't stick around hence the 1 or two left over friends.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

 What's wrong with you.  Sorry.  Your sounding like bring envious of a machine.  Your a person.  It's the human condition my friend.  I enjoy my pain, and grateful to know when another is hurting as well as my own hurt.  Their is lots of beauty in this world.  Turning what.  A chance to grow as a person.  No thank you.  Happy to get everything I can out of this life time.  Could care less if my ex feels different from the relationship.  That's the ex business.  Ok, you want to turn it off, lots of alcohol and meaningless sex.  You will become numb real fast.  I'm sorry to be blant and rude.  At the end of the day you made some choices, now you can make better ones.    Good luck and begreatful you can love.  Can be their for someone, have true friends, and a sense of yourself.

[AG]

What's wrong with you.  Sorry.  Your sounding like bring envious of a machine.  Your a person.  It's the human condition my friend.  I enjoy my pain, and grateful to know when another is hurting as well as my own hurt.  Their is lots of beauty in this world.  Turning what.  A chance to grow as a person.  No thank you.  Happy to get everything I can out of this life time.  Could care less if my ex feels different from the relationship.  That's the ex business.  Ok, you want to turn it off, lots of alcohol and meaningless sex.  You will become numb real fast.  I'm sorry to be blant and rude.  At the end of the day you made some choices, now you can make better ones.    Good luck and begreatful you can love.  Can be their for someone, have true friends, and a sense of yourself.

It's not rude at all no worries. I doubt you enjoy your pain but I do see english is not your first language so I understand what you mean or meant to say when I read the whole paragraph. The "chance to grow as a person" portion of what you wrote resonates with me alot. Not my first rodeo so no thanks on the alcohol or meaningless sex but I get you again. Thanks for the post Im actually book marking it.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Thank you.  Improving my English is a good idea.  Yes I do appreciate my pain.  I find comfort in knowing when my behavior is hurting someone and glad I can show empathy.  Also others hurting me let's me know this person is not right or healthy.  Having a large network of friends and family over time has showed me how painful and fragile live can be.  Tears and sadness, disappointment  is part of what it is to be human.  It balances out the joy and love we learn to give over time.  Any way my post was rude.  Best of luck to you.

[Corgicuddler95]

I know this feel.

I saw my ex for the first time since the break up (about 3 months ago) this week. She looked great and I tried to be civil, asking how her summer was etc but she made no attempt to carry conversation, she treated me like an annoying aquentence. But when friends she hadn't seen in about the same amount of time came in she would get up and scream their name and hug them, even bounding across the room to where I was talking to them, instead of waiting till later. You'd have never know we devoted over a year and a half to each other and the last time we were together was at a wedding when we were being told we would be next. She's either very ignorant of my feelings or actively trying to hurt me.

[AG]

I know this feel.

I saw my ex for the first time since the break up (about 3 months ago) this week. She looked great and I tried to be civil, asking how her summer was etc but she made no attempt to carry conversation, she treated me like an annoying aquentence. But when friends she hadn't seen in about the same amount of time came in she would get up and scream their name and hug them, even bounding across the room to where I was talking to them, instead of waiting till later. You'd have never know we devoted over a year and a half to each other and the last time we were together was at a wedding when we were being told we would be next. She's either very ignorant of my feelings or actively trying to hurt me.

See your example hit the nail right on its head for me. That is exactly what I mean. I find behavior like that very and I mean very unhuman like. I do not know how they can do this. To me something like that would have to be done on purpose. These are people who yearn for your attention and judging from all the stories I have read the majority seem to have output a great deal into caring or showing care for these people. I do not understand how these people do this. Yes I do understand my focus has to be on myself at this point but this bothers me and I do not understand this sociopath type of mannerism. I can't believe that they are just able to do something like this and still feel human. In my ex's case if something like this were done to her she would literally be broken down to a puddle metaphorically speaking. She however sees nothing wrong with doing it to someone else. Or does she?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi AG,

On the surface, it can appear that BPD sufferers are as cold as ice. Internally, they are tormented by their own emotions, self-loathing, shame, and guilt. PwBPD have used these types of coping mechanisms for the majority of their life. It is what they use to survive or to cope with intense and erratic emotions. When a pwBPD is dysregulating or cannot control their emotions, it becomes a conditioned response to react this way.

Regardless of why a pwBPD does this does not negate the fact that it is hurtful.

I too have been envious of the BPD ability to shut down, freeze, avoid, and escape. I mentioned this to my psychologist once. My psychologist said, "EaglesJuju, you may be suffering during the current time, while he is able to shut everything out. In the long run, you will be better off by facing everything. When you avoid, suppress, escape, or shut down, your problems do not go away. Eventually, they will catch up with you and become more problematic in the future."

When I look at it that way, there is no way that I would want to trade places.

[AG]

Hi AG,

On the surface, it can appear that BPD sufferers are as cold as ice. Internally, they are tormented by their own emotions, self-loathing, shame, and guilt. PwBPD have used these types of coping mechanisms for the majority of their life. It is what they use to survive or to cope with intense and erratic emotions. When a pwBPD is dysregulating or cannot control their emotions, it becomes a conditioned response to react this way.

Regardless of why a pwBPD does this does not negate the fact that it is hurtful.

I too have been envious of the BPD ability to shut down, freeze, avoid, and escape. I mentioned this to my psychologist once. My psychologist said, "EaglesJuju, you may be suffering during the current time, while he is able to shut everything out. In the long run, you will be better off by facing everything. When you avoid, suppress, escape, or shut down, your problems do not go away. Eventually, they will catch up with you and become more problematic in the future."

When I look at it that way, there is no way that I would want to trade places.

Thank you for this. I'm bookmarking this also.

[Corgicuddler95]

I think it's just a form of self preservation. Unhealthy and selfish it may be but they're just trying to defend themselves. For example I'm pretty sure I'm painted black by my ex still and in such a state she would take any action I do as having some sinister motive such as a week after the break up I told her how much I loved her and wanted to make it work but all she felt was that I was trying to guilt trip her. Obviously I wasn't but that's how she took it and I assume she took any effort I try to contact her as trying to get her back when she thinks being single is what she needs right now. The extra stuff, acting especially friendly to others I think it's just ignorance of our feelings. Remember they often act on emotions, they won't think stuff like that through.

I think it's also dependent of where they are in life. My ex is just about to start uni again and probly sees it as new beginning, she wants to detach from me who, despite holding her hand every step, was there when she had to drop out the first time. I'm interested but dreading to see what happens to her next cos I can't see her handling uni well when she realises it's not going to be some grand solution.

[DaKid]

This is one of the things that hurts so much for me. Being able to move on and date so quickly. Just flip the switch and my life is awesome!  While I'm struggling to get through each day.

This forum has helped a lot. Not that I want to see anyone else in this world going through what I am. It helps to read the encouragement of others that have been there.

[enlighten me]

One thing we need to remember is that not all this behaviour is BPD based. We as nons do it too.

We put on a brave face and make out everything's rosy. We don't want our exs to see our pain and we also don't want to interact with them as it is painful. We paint them black to help us detach an go NC.

They've just had a lot more practice at it than us.

Think of it as public speaking. The first time you do it you are nervous and mess up a little. The more you do it the less nervous you are. You still may not like it but your more used to it. My exgf has had more relationships than I care to think about. It he past 17 years I have had two whereas she has had about twenty. She is ten times more practiced at breaking up and dealing with it than me.

EM

[Tangy]

One thing we need to remember is that not all this behaviour is BPD based. We as nons do it too.

We put on a brave face and make out everything's rosy. We don't want our exs to see our pain and we also don't want to interact with them as it is painful. We paint them black to help us detach an go NC.

They've just had a lot more practice at it than us.

Think of it as public speaking. The first time you do it you are nervous and mess up a little. The more you do it the less nervous you are. You still may not like it but your more used to it. My exgf has had more relationships than I care to think about. It he past 17 years I have had two whereas she has had about twenty. She is ten times more practiced at breaking up and dealing with it than me.

EM

I've thought about this a lot actually. And I can see from the outside it probably definitely looks like I just do not care... .and one of his favorite phrases is "I know you hate me" which... .I never have... .nor have I ever said that to him... .that I can remember. So... .not once have I reached out since he cheated and ended it (except for a mutual bill we have). And he reached out with a feeler about 3 weeks after he broke up with me and I didn't reply. So I guess from his perspective... .he may feel abandoned... .even though he broke up with me. It's just that I live with myself everyday... .and I know what I feel... .and I guess I am always paranoid that everyone knows LOL. Like he can smell it from afar that I am wounded and hurt and that he is laughing at my pain and bellicose. It's interesting... .

I'm painted black by my ex still and in such a state she would take any action I do as having some sinister motive such as a week after the break up I told her how much I loved her and wanted to make it work but all she felt was that I was trying to guilt trip her.

I experienced this a lot. It was difficult. When I tried to remind him of how happy he was when he proposed or would bring up good memories to try to help him remember that the emotional state he was in in that moment is not continuos... .and it might be wise not to discard the entire relationship for a temporary emotional state, he always told me I was trying to manipulate him.

And when he was in a particularly regulated period, we talked about how he changes and splits... .and I asked him how to handle it next time... .and he said "just ignore me" and "I wont do it again" and I pushed and said you probably will... .and when you do you're unreachable. And he was sweet and loving and kept telling me how much he loved me... .and then on the day he broke up with me he dysregulated REALLY hard... .and I tried to help him and help him remember what he had said... .and then he told me I was trying to manipulate him . Its so hard to have a loving, kind partner one minute, and then someone that turns me into a total enemy the next.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I just read someone else post titled wrecking ball. The one sentence that really resonated with me so much is in the subject matter. I Copied the exact sentence into the subject matter. Hope the original person who created the sentence doesn't mind me borrowing it. If you do I apologize. For the past couple of weeks it has been really bothering me as to the light switch that they can flip and just tune everything out. It really ticks me off and has me envious that I can't do the same thing. I don't think mine is dating right now but I can clearly see that I am painted black or at least semi black if there is such a thing. I don't know about everyone's experience but with mine it seems as though if she shuts you out all of a sudden then what exactly is the problem with treating someone like that. She can't understand how I would be upset from such an action or any action she has executed that I know damn well is not normal. You put in so much with these people and they can just flip a switch immediately to tune things out. How the hell is this humanly possible even with a disordered mind how can a human being share experiences that are so intimate for so long and just at the drop of a dime tune things out. It's almost as if they have an emotion off button that when they are feeling bad they just say "nope I don't like that hold on let me press this button... .ahhhhh all better ". I don't quite grasp this concept it is beyond astonishing to me. 

It's funny, as soon as I read your header I was like... .WOW! I feel exactly the same way!  Then you referenced "wrecking ball" and that was my thread.  So dear friend... .we meet again.

I'd like to elaborate on the envious comment. Sometimes in my moments of despair it would be nice to just be able to flip the switch and get out of that state of mind.  After reading other posts and researching BPD I realize that the emotions they turn off just get shifted somewhere else.  Ergo the saying, they live their life in constant emotional turmoil.  It is almost like a constant human inferno.  I am glad I don't suffer those same limitations.  It makes me sad for people stricken with a PD.  It truly does b/c it isn't their fault. 

I know that her flip of the switch is only temporary and eventually all of the pain resurfaces, i don't want that.  I, like you, want to be happy and want to heal; but sometimes it would be nice to just make the pain stop.  I don't know about you but if I'm out with friends laughing and having a grande ole time, a simple thought could trigger my sadness.  I don't know how to dig myself out of that hole once I'm in it.  Those are the times I wish I could flip the switch.  I begin ruminating and mentally fixating on the things that I miss about the relationship.  I am getting better at managing it but there are times it just grabs a hold of me. 

I guess that shows my human side.  I can't just go out and pretend everythings ok.

Hang in there friend.

[purekalm]

Hey, I hear ya. I think for me growing up with my dad acting this way it wasn't as much of a shock when my husband would act this way, except it was because I didn't know anyone else was really like that.

In my own case, I was severely depressed for quite a few years trying to shut out the pain of childhood and I was a mess. Being only numb, angry or sad is no way to live. But I forced myself to shut down because I felt so strongly and the pain was so intense. Now, I actually welcome the pain because I couldn't feel when I finally wanted to for so long... .It means I'm alive, no matter how deep, I can feel it.

In my dad's case, it's really sad. He honestly doesn't even remember things, simple things. He made his own version of things to replace the craziness he caused and now truly believes he was the best dad he could be and we kids caused a lot of trouble. He was a loving husband and my mom was the one who cheated and broke his heart but he stays with her because he loves her so much. When in reality it's the opposite. Honestly, I feel bad for him. I mean, if at any point in time he actually got help, I could only pray the truth wouldn't hit him all at once because he wouldn't be able to handle it. =(

It ticks me off in the moment, but in the long run I feel empathy. They aren't healthy by any means and will never have a true connection with anyone unless they realize and get help. Doesn't change the pain they cause, the holes they leave, but it helps me see them just as they are, messed up people and not some calculating monster. (Even though sometimes it REALLY feels that way.)

[Teereese]

I felt jealous early on in the split that my ustbxBPDh could just leave, ignore all responsibility and not worry about anything ... .the kids, the pets, car problems, bills,  house and party like a teenager flushing his money down the toilet at the bar.

I was in pretty bad shape emotionally and financially,  just trying to get through each day.

I spoke to my brother about this at one particularly horrible point. He reminded me of my strength and perseverance. He reminded me why I could never just shut down and walk away from my responsibilities, when I needed it most. He lifted me.

Deep down, I know that I didn't want to bail and shut down. I just needed time and space to heal and get myself back. My family and my friends helped me to get the space and time so that I could carry on.