What do you tell yourself to keep "no contact"?

[WhoMe51]

I haven't posted a topic on here in a while.  I recently left the relationship and I woke up this morning wanting to contact my exdBPDgf.  I reminded myself of all the horrible things we said to each other this breakup.  But today I find myself struggling with the breakup.  The codependent me still believes that there is something more I can do.  I know that the only thing I can really do is take care of me.  I have been down this road before and I have always went back at some point in the detachment process.  I read somewhere on here that each breakup gets worse and worse.  And the last one was the worst by far.  That in itself should keep me away, Right?  But I still find myself yearning for the good times and the fantasy of the relationship.  So I was wondering, What do you tell yourself to keep NC in place?  Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.  

[toddinrochester]

Mine has not contacted me at all. I have wanted to reach out to her and ask how she is but then I remember that she is not feeling what I am feeling right now. She more than likely has a new guy in her life. I choose to not give her another piece of my heart. So I don't write, even though it pains me.

[enlighten me]

I told myself anything and everything that worked.

I told myself she didn't deserve me caring after the way she treated me. I told myself that I meant nothing to her. I told myself that everything she said was a lie. The list goes on and now that I am through it I realise that it was harsh but harsh is what I needed at the time.

We have to use extreme methods at times to break the cycle.

We use a lot of the same techniques our exs do. We paint them black to justify not being with them. We put on a brave face to show they haven't hurt us. We blank them as interacting might shatter that glass wall weve built up.

[toddinrochester]

Man that was some good reading.

[balletomane]

I told myself that I was like an addict and that as painful as the withdrawal was, walking away from that toxic but addictive involvement was essential for me to feel myself again. As time went by and I started to feel better, I would remind myself of how things were improving, and tell myself not to jeopardise that progress if I had an urge to make contact. Sometimes I reminded myself of how many of my attempts at reconciliation and repair had been met with sneering, spite, cruel comments - did I really think the 800th time was going to be different? Like enlighten me, sometimes I told myself that it had all been a lie and he hadn't really cared. Now I tell myself that I have no idea whether he really cared or not, but the answer to that question has no bearing on my life and knowing the answer will not help.

[klacey3]

What helps me is to remember the following things:

1. I will never get closure because what he says is so changeable I will never understand him. One day he says he treated me badlt because he thought i would never leave and a week later he said he always knew i would leave him etc etc.

2. There is nothing I can do to help him if he wont help himself. History will.keep repeating itself and there is nothing I can do.

3. He is nasty and I shouldn't put up with responding to his attention seeking provocative words for a reaction.

[Michelle27]

I tell myself that the relationship was toxic for my own well being and that it would be unsafe for me to interact beyond what we have to with a child of the marriage.  I remind myself of my growth and healing and that I never want to go back to that horrible walking on eggshells and anxiety all the time.  I remind myself of the infidelity, emotional abuse, HUGE lies (including his career history... .told me he used to be a pilot but was grounded after unexplained blood clots... .turns out he was hired as a airplane cleaner... .) and the days early on that seemed good only  because he did an amazing acting job of mirroring what I wanted/needed and that basically the person I fell in love with was ME.  He is a shell of a person, pretending to be who and what he thinks others want him to be.  I also remind myself of the horrible abuse/gaslighting behaviors in ow he treated my oldest daughter from my first marriage and how he explained it by saying his son from his first marriage was "damaged" (after being sexually abused) and he wanted to "even it up".   

[Mutt]

The codependent me still believes that there is something more I can do.  

Hi WhoMe51,

We're all human and there's only so much that we can do. We can't help somebody that doesn't want help.

I had to accept that my ex is sick. She has a severe personality disorder and I had to accept that she's mentally ill and tell myself this often in the early stages of detachment. She has to want to help herself and nobody else can make that choice for her or to motivate her to work on her stuff.

We can have compassion with boundaries but we have to take care of ourselves too or it's unnecessary suffering for ourselves. We can be helpers, for example volunteering our time to helps kids, animals... .

What helps is understanding that these feelings and urges will subside with time, it does get better.


Hang in there,


----Mutt

[Corgicuddler95]

 What difference would it make?

I'm painted so black anything I say at the moment will be taken in the worst possible way.

Hopefully by the time I'm not I'll have got rid of all the lingering feelings

[hopealways]

I think in this last discard my BPDx finally realized that there is something wrong with her.  The way I prevent myself from contacting her is that I have accepted that I was addicted to her.  Tell yourself if you were a heroin addict would you still try to take another hit or work hard to stay away? My answer is I would work hard to stay away.

[Indyan]

and how he explained it by saying his son from his first marriage was "damaged" (after being sexually abused) and he wanted to "even it up".   

[Michelle27]

and how he explained it by saying his son from his first marriage was "damaged" (after being sexually abused) and he wanted to "even it up".   

To clarify, his son disclosed sexual abuse when he was 7 years old (he is now 16).  The abuse was inflicted by his stepbrothers in his mother's home, not by my H. Just in case that was assumed.  His son was abused for 3 years (age 4-7) and of course there were behavior issues as a result.  My h fell apart around the time this happened and that's when things got bad in our marriage with raging, depression, and I ended up having to take care of him as much as (or more than) I had to take care of my kids. Before this, I now believe my h was high functioning but still BPD.  My h became jealous of my oldest daughter being "normal" and his comment about "evening it up" was when he sort of apologized for how he treated my daughter after this went on for years.

[coletown11]

I tell myself that no matter what happens it will be very painful for me. if she responds the way i want her to, i know i will get hurt again, and i remember how i felt during the bad times while i was with her. i never want to go through such a traumatic experience like that again. if she responds in a negative way, it will hurt me very much, and send me right back to where i was the last day of our relationship, feeling worthless. and if she doesnt respond at all, probably the same.

also i have a very solid support group, and they made me promise to contact them first if i want to contact her, or if i get contacted by her. they help put everything back in perspective, remind me of how awful i felt when i was with her. so they help reinforce the nc.

[Beach_Babe]

I remind myself he is mentally ill beyond repair. That worked for the first six months at least. Then I made contact and got no response because he is heartless and lacks empathy. That should last me 6 more.

[Tangy]

One thing that really helps me is being keenly familiar with his two distinct personalities. He had his loving, sweet, caring self, and he has his cruel, selfish, dark part. His face and tone of voice completely change when he is in the latter. As I've begun to love myself I in no way shape or form want to subject myself to his "demon side" as I call it. I truly don't know what else to call it because when he switches it's like he's been hijacked by someone else. I remember describing this before I understood BPD and had no idea what was going on.

Anyway, I'm quite sure if I reached out that's what I would get... .because if he were the other side of himself, I know he'd be reaching out. He tried with a feeler 3 weeks into NC and I didn't respond, so I'm sure he's got me painted black to some degree... .and I'm not sure if he is with the girl he cheated on me with. (I believe NC includes not talking to people about what they know nor checking up on his social media... .so I truly do not know).

So besides knowing I don't deserve to be dealt with harshly, I also know that I'll never know if what he is telling me is the truth... .because his truth changes with his moods... .so all in all I know I'm just better off without the crazy making in my life.

[greenmonkey]

Initially it was more anger and hurt after discovering three years of lies and cheating that made it easy I detached.

The woman I fell in love with was a fake, a fraud and does not exist in any shape or form. What is there instead is a soulless, empty shell of a human being who is seriously mentally ill, a pathological liar, not only to herself but to everyone she knows who buys into the 'victim' stories that she spins. She cannot be helped, she must help herself - no one person can make her happy, she has to be happy from within and deal with her demons.

The fact she nearly destroyed me is enough for me not to ever break no contact - whatever the circumstances. She has been trying to get me to communicate with her for nearly a year, by various different means. Me moving 100 miles away has not stopped her.

I have my self respect and will not allow her near myself or my family again. Am I black, white - I have no idea neither do I care. I am approaching one year from when I last saw her and plan to make it a landmark day - not sure how yet - but it is a significant day.

[Tangy]

I think in this last discard my BPDx finally realized that there is something wrong with her.  The way I prevent myself from contacting her is that I have accepted that I was addicted to her.  Tell yourself if you were a heroin addict would you still try to take another hit or work hard to stay away? My answer is I would work hard to stay away.

Last night I dreamed that my ex and I were shooting heroin into each other's veins. Neither of us have ever used. Symbolic dream much?

[rickdeckard]

I tell myself any contact will be met with more lies/deceptions.

I just found out she married replacement 7 days... .yes 7 DAYS... .after telling me she always did and will always love me.

Married 20 days after her saying she wanted to spend 24 hours in bed with me.

Months later, a message saying again how much she loves me... .

She is lying to someone. Her hubby or me.

That is the reminder for NC. I do not trust anything she says.

Its what I tell myself. And when I forget, I look back over the timeline and what she said to me and when she said it.

I have no desire to contact her, it will be more BS. Same as it ever was... .

I expect her to try again at some point. After all, 25 years of 'love' doesn't go away. There will not be another chance.

Honestly, I was out and doing quite well. Getting on with life. Then she contacted again... .guess I wasn't as healed as I thought. Work to do... .

@greenmonkey - well stated

[WhoMe51]

I would like to say thank you for your replies.  I am also sorry that you have had to go through the pain of these relationships to get the experience.  After I had read some of the posts, I decided not to contact my exdBPDgf.  I spent the day with my son from a previous marriage.  We went to the gym and watched football together later.  When he went back to his mom's, I was standing outside on the porch of my house and watching the rain.  It was so peaceful.  About that time, she pulled in my drive way.  There was no warning or anything.  She just showed up.  My peace turned into anxiety quickly.  She got out and commented that I looked surprised.  I was also mad.  I told her that I didn't want to fight or discuss our relationship.  I told her she should have checked to see if it was alright with me before she came.  She laughed and said I will next time.  She started telling me she loved me and didn't want us to end.  I said that I understood where she was coming from but I told her that it wasn't fair to her that I didn't have anything to give.  Immediately she started telling me how I was a mean man and she couldn't understand what she saw in me in the beginning.  She said that all I did was use her and started blaming me for the failure of our relationship.  I asked her to leave.  She didn't at first but eventually she did.   The next day she texted me and said she still loved me and she was sorry for the things she said.  I didn't respond.  She texted me today and said she missed me.  I don't know what would be worse.  One that leaves and you never hear from them again or one that won't let go and keeps contacting or showing up? 

[Beach_Babe]

I remind myself he is socially stunted, and hits his head when dysregulated, screams and smells.