Do they have memory loss?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I have been wondering recently about their perception and memory. Eg. For weeks I recieved emails from my ex (i didnt respond to them) saying horrible things, insulting me and telling me he had cheated on me used me for my money and was in love with his ex the whole time and never cared about me etc. Then he sends me more emails telling me how he has made sure everyone hates me and that he has been with other women. Then tells me if I respond he would tell me a secret about something that happened during our relationship. Then he sends another message saying "at least you know I loved you, i always had doubts about you" what the heck! He had previously said the exact opposite :-/ he also said he has been crying because he loves me so much and would do anything to see me. (I didn't respond to any of his messages).

The situation makes me think its as if he has memory loss. How could anyone think that after weeks of nastiness and confessions and telling me he used me and never liked me, he could just come out and say he loves and misses me without even an explanation for his behaviour? Its as if he is acting like it never happened.

I am not going to respond to anything he says and I know I will never be with him again. But it keeps playing on my mind. Did anyone else ever experience anything like this with their ex where they would say the most hurtful things and give no explanation and just act like nothing happened? Or anyone that could give an explanation that would be great. Thanks

[klacey3]

So I have been wondering recently about their perception and memory. Eg. For weeks I recieved emails from my ex (i didnt respond to them) saying horrible things, insulting me and telling me he had cheated on me used me for my money and was in love with his ex the whole time and never cared about me etc. Then he sends me more emails telling me how he has made sure everyone hates me and that he has been with other women. Then tells me if I respond he would tell me a secret about something that happened during our relationship. Then he sends another message saying "at least you know I loved you, i always had doubts about you" what the heck! He had previously said the exact opposite :-/ he also said he has been crying because he loves me so much and would do anything to see me. (I didn't respond to any of his messages).

The situation makes me think its as if he has memory loss. How could anyone think that after weeks of nastiness and confessions and telling me he used me and never liked me, he could just come out and say he loves and misses me without even an explanation for his behaviour? Its as if he is acting like it never happened.

I am not going to respond to anything he says and I know I will never be with him again. But it keeps playing on my mind. Did anyone else ever experience anything like this with their ex where they would say the most hurtful things and give no explanation and just act like nothing happened? Or anyone that could give an explanation that would be great. Thanks

[Mutt]

Hi klacey3,

I can relate with how confusing and painful that feels when a sufferer of BPD don't have an explanation or can't recall what was said.

Here's a quote from Gunderson on object constancy with loved ones and "emotional amnesia". I hope that helps.

Something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline. In the same sense of constancy borderlines have "emotional amnesia", they are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood.

[Teereese]

Hello Klacey3,

It can be so frustrating.

My uBPDstbxh would switch up his approach if one didn't work in getting the response he wanted. He would go from saying/texting nasty, angry things. If I didn't respond or didn't respond how he wanted, he would jump to saying/texting things to attempt to get me to feel guilty. If I didn't respond or respond how he wanted, he would suddenly become what I felt was false lovey dovey. He would be baiting and just wanted a response or the expected response from me.

I learned early on in the relationship that he was just as satisfied with a negative response, as that allowed for escalation.

I witnessed him dissociating on many occasions - depersonalization, derealization and amnesia. There were times that he really did not remember what he did or said.

"Some people who experience dissociation have periods of amnesia or "losing time." They may have minutes to hours or days when they were awake but cannot remember where they were or what they were doing"

[Lifewriter16]

My uBPDstbxh would switch up his approach if one didn't work in getting the response he wanted. He would go from saying/texting nasty, angry things. If I didn't respond or didn't respond how he wanted, he would jump to saying/texting things to attempt to get me to feel guilty. If I didn't respond or respond how he wanted, he would suddenly become what I felt was false lovey dovey. He would be baiting and just wanted a response or the expected response from me.

Yes, mine too. He'd do anything to keep an interaction going.

Lifewriter

[patientandclear]

There are quite a few useful articles on how and why this happens, but it seems beyond question that it DOES happen that pwBPD "lose" important memories, at least temporarily.  It also seems those memories can crop up again when circumstances make it seem safe to access them.

I detected little traces of this with the man in my life wBPD for years.  But recently when we were in touch and able to have some honest open conversations, it became clear that he had NO memory of some of the most poignant, important times we spent together.  I know enough by now not to get mad or frustrated about this, but it is undeniably unsettling.  Partly because I'm not sure what we're building on if he doesn't remember what we've done and where we've been, and partly because I feel like the only surviving witness to really important moments in my own life, even though the person I had those experiences with is still alive and I am sometimes in communication with him.

I think it's clear that these memories are locked away because they are inconsistent with other stories/accounts that the pwBPD is using to make sense of their life and their choices.  This is part of a complex set of defense mechanisms and coping strategies that are deployed for survival.

Tough stuff.

[mitchell16]

mine would have selective memory and also would re-write history of what was said or what happened to suite her or to justify her actions. But once I went strict NC one day she would send a very sweet text or email, full of her taking responsibility, praising me and telling me how much she missed me and how she now knows I the one for her etc... when I didnt answer or respond the next contact would be full of vile, ugly, hateful remarks insulting me etc... and it would alternate back and forth. I stayed NC and after about 6 months it stopped.

I believe it was just attempt to get me to engage with her no matter what I said. She just wanted a response. and she didnt get it.

[Hidden Dragon]

But recently when we were in touch and able to have some honest open conversations, it became clear that he had NO memory of some of the most poignant, important times we spent together.  I know enough by now not to get mad or frustrated about this, but it is undeniably unsettling.  Partly because I'm not sure what we're building on if he doesn't remember what we've done and where we've been, and partly because I feel like the only surviving witness to really important moments in my own life, even though the person I had those experiences with is still alive and I am sometimes in communication with him.

Ditto. I talked with my ex and she can´t remember more than half of the stuff. These are 10 years, but hey, she should remember it.

She even added, that her psychologist (I doubt that he even diagnosed her with BPD) told her, that it is sometimes a case for murders, who need to forget to live their life after they did such awful things.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife cant understand why our sons don't want anything to do with her. She was told what the boys said about her behaviour but thinks theyre lying. She refuses to apologise for something she hasn't done. Im not sure whether she is burying these things or whether she really cant remember.

[goateeki]

My diagnosed pwBPD ex wife did something similar over a period of months.  The things she said would tend to make anyone hearing her statements think she never felt anything for me.  She even said, "I never felt anything for you" and "I always hated you."

After a few weeks of these statements I knew that I'd have to divorce her and began to think about my future. I decided that even if she recovered, I didn't want to be with someone capable of saying the thing she was saying to me.  They were utterly hateful and designed to inflict maximum emotional damage. This I am certain of.

One thing that occurred to me is that I might in the future be involved with a Catholic girl and she might, were I ever to remarry, want to marry in the church. The utility of an annulment seemed obvious. I spoke with a priest, and he explained that an applicant for an annulment has to muster facts that demonstrate the non-sacramental nature of the marriage.  He suggested that her statements -- which invalidated the entire relationship from the very beginning -- could support a finding of a non-sacramental marriage. 

So I began to diary her statements. It was painful for me to do -- to write down the things she said that were at the time so destructive. I began to have something like panic attacks during this time, and I think that writing down all of the things she said contributed to that, but I had to do it.

During one her freak outs right before I filed the complaint in divorce (one that involved some dramatic physical acting out, with her throwing things around the bedroom we once shared) she found the folder that contained my handwritten notes. They included her statements verbatim with date and time (I'm a lawyer, part of what I do is remember what people say and when).  She threw that around the room, too, and yelled "I never said those things!" I honestly didn't know how to respond at first, but just said, firmly and calmly, "Yes, you did."

Later I was struck by how she seemed to genuinely believe that she had never said these things. These are things that I cannot forget; the words, the way she said them to me, where we were in the house, where the children were, and how when she said the cruelest things, she smiled.  I mean, she put some effort into thinking up these very, very emotional statements and saying them.  I don't know how someone could forget them.  But I think it's possible that she really believed when confronted by her own words that she never said them.

As I get further away from this relationship (it's been nearly two years), I am more and more aware of just what an unusual and troubled person she is. I don't know how I put up with is for as long as I did and truthfully I do feel a bit ashamed of myself sometimes for having done so.

[klacey3]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It has been very interesting reading your stories. Mutt the quote was especially helpful in my understanding. It makes more sense to me now. It seems to explain how my ex would judge each situation as if there was no other and pretend like he didn't say previous things.

It is strange because I have done things before that normal people would get very annoyed at but he never mentions them. He just goes off on one for things that didnt happen. He even repeated things to me that I never said.

It makes me really sad to think that they can't even remember the realities of an actual event.

[myself]

The look on my ex's face sometimes showed she was as shocked as I was that she was not remembering certain things. Whether that's because she had buried them so deeply (out of sight out of mind) or she had been so dysregulated at the time it was like she became another person/split off from her 'normal' self, or a combination of those and others, I'll never know. It didn't seem like she knew, either. Or could admit it to herself and/or whoever else. In some areas her memory was almost photographic, though.

[Mutt]

It makes me really sad to think that they can't even remember the realities of an actual event.

He's just wired differently. Feelings = facts. For non's, facts then feelings.

[SummerStorm]

The dissociation and memory loss are very hard to handle, as is their refusal to talk about anything important and to act like nothing happened.  My former friend BPD would physically attack her ex-boyfriend and then completely forget that she'd done anything wrong.  She wiped me out of her life in mid-June and ended our friendship, but in early September, when I mentioned us not being friends anymore, she replied, "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."  I replied, "Because you ended our friendship in June, and I spent the entire summer hurt and confused."  A few days later, she called me crazy and said, "I don't want to be friends with you, so stop assuming things."  It really is like dealing with a child.

When she resumed contact again, I told her that I saw her on Tinder and said, "I just wanted you to know that you might see me on there, in case I'm a trigger for you.  She replied, "Why would you be a trigger for me?" 

She definitely remembers that we slept together, but she refuses to talk about it.  And a few days after she pretended to be her ex-boyfriend and texted me some very nasty things, she refused to acknowledge it.  The only thing she apologized for was pretending to be her boyfriend; she never apologized for calling me terrible names. 

I could be wrong, but I can almost guarantee that she will text me in a few months and act like nothing is wrong. 

[Michelle27]

I was expected to just "move on" from all of the horrible things during rages and "start fresh" after every one.  I was vilified for having a wall up to keep myself safe and for not forgetting what happened.  This went on for years.  He wasn't wrong for saying and doing the things he did, but I was wrong for not forgetting and feeling hurt, anger and resentments for it.  Looking back, so bizarre.

[SummerStorm]

I was expected to just "move on" from all of the horrible things during rages and "start fresh" after every one.  I was vilified for having a wall up to keep myself safe and for not forgetting what happened.  This went on for years.  He wasn't wrong for saying and doing the things he did, but I was wrong for not forgetting and feeling hurt, anger and resentments for it.  Looking back, so bizarre.

Yes to all of this.  I was just expected to move on after everything.  She told me she wanted to live with me and be with me but then decided not to, and I was just supposed to accept that.  Then, she told me again that she wanted to live with me and marry me but then she decided not to, and I was just supposed to move on.  I can't tell you how many times she told me that I'm "dramatic" and an "emotional rollercoaster." 

[saintgrey]

nah they just choose what to forget and conveniently remember.

[Learning Fast]

I experienced the worst dissociative/memory lapse in our entire relationship about a month ago.  It was truly like I was talking to two different people (I posted this in more detail in another thread so I'll skip the details).  I lasted about 45 minutes and then escaped.  Several days later I asked her "BPD, do you remember any of what you told me last time we were together?"  Response---"Probably not".  Hmmm.  "BPD, I felt that most of what you said was directed at me."  Response---"I'm just living day to day".  Huh?

Next time we met I broached the subject again.  "BPD, I really feel we need to discuss our last time together".  She gave me a blank look while continually trying to steer the discussion back to more friendly territory.  If we weren't so emotionally enmeshed with these folks all of this would make for a fascinating psychological study.