how do you know when you're healed?

[problemsolver]

When I first joined this a few months ago I was DOWN and very hurt... I've come a very long way... I still have a few bad habits... ex looking at social media from time to time... but I've accepted my fate. I find it odd though the past 2 weeks I've had a few different dreams about her... I still think about her "sexualy"  not necessarily in a "real" way I don't think I could see myself actually being intimate with her again... but I'm just confused as to months later. . I would have a few dreams about her.

Not really anger. .

Not upset

I got closure

Still curious about a few things here and there

Been on alot of outings with a few different girls... just casual events

she's already bruised my ego ... don't really care to reach out and have that happen again... she's already hurt my rep ( smeared I am a cheater etc etc) so I'm permanent black

the "narcissistic" side of me kinda wishes she reached out... just so I know she just wasn't using me but. . Nah I've accepted I will never get an apology or any kind of nostalgia (I miss you etc etc)


How do you know when your healed?

[enlighten me]

For me I would say its indifference. I feel nothing for my ex wife. Not love or hate. I don't care what she gets up to or how she may feel about me. I don't long for her. I don't even think of her. I am happy to not know what she is doing.

[Mutt]

Hi problemsolver,

How do you know when your healed?

That's a good question. The lessons are at the top of the board.

Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture

ex looking at social media from time to time

a few different dreams about her.

I see that you don't feel anger , you're describing indifference, do you think about her?

[joeramabeme]

For me I would say its indifference. I feel nothing for my ex wife. Not love or hate. I don't care what she gets up to or how she may feel about me. I don't long for her. I don't even think of her. I am happy to not know what she is doing.

Enlighten, how long didit take you to get to this place of indifference?

[problemsolver]

Hi problemsolver,

How do you know when your healed?

That's a good question. The lessons are at the top of the board.

Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture

ex looking at social media from time to time

a few different dreams about her.

I see that you don't feel anger , you're describing indifference, do you think about her?

I feel like im more of a curious observer... I check social media from time to time but it doesn't make my stomach turn or anything. . Just interesting to see her "thoughts".  How she's feeling I guess... usually very dramatic msgs "it's hard to find someone to be real with you and tell you the truth"... "sometimes you don't know how to describe your feelings for someone"... Like I said I know these are for him as I'm painted black and she's treated me poorly in our last few interactions. . I realize now that I was in a triangle for 8 months... .but for the past few months I was really only a footnote in the "make up" of the triangle... I played a small role... .I just don't know what's left? I got the closure... while giving the ex boyfriend a little info back... whatever he chose to so with it I'm unsure but im sure he used it against her as a power move... but at the end of the day. That isn't any of my business. . She spoke to a friend about me about a month ago but it was in a bad light "playing the victim"... so I know I'm not forgotten but. ... im certainly not seen in a bright light... .weeks just seem to be flying by. . I looked at the calendar and thought wow... i can't believe I still think about the scenarios...

Like so many others the idolizing phase made me think ... wow this girl is going to be mine forever. . She always seems so worried and attentive... .after a while she just startd treating me poorly and I just kind of thought "well I guess I'm not that special at all" just stared seeming as though any guy could "catch" her attention... So I've kind of woken up from my slumber. .she made it seem like if her needs weren't being met by me she may die... .that's simply not the reality as time moves on.

[Michelle27]

I'm nowhere near completely "healed" but I'm happy to hear that indifference is a good sign.  I think because i started detaching in the last year or two of the marriage, it's been easier than if it had been a sudden break.  Weeks after we separated when I heard he had moved on, I had a small twinge of "huh" but it really didn't bother me or hurt.  I was more fascinated with learning what I did about how he went about it... .exactly the way we got together 15 years earlier. 

So while I feel indifferent now mostly towards him, I am still scared to run into into him and have ramped up safety at home because I honestly feel like he's heading down a slippery slope and may totally snap soon.  He was doing a lot of stalking, both electronic and was seen driving past my house when he had no business there and in places I was when he shouldn't have been.  I can admit to feeling angry how he completely disappeared from our 11 year old daughter's life with no contact for 2 months as of today (and changing his phone number without telling her the number).  I'm angry because I'm left to deal with her being upset about that. 

Anyway, glad to hear "indifference" is a good sign.  That's where I mostly am.   

[enlighten me]

For me I would say its indifference. I feel nothing for my ex wife. Not love or hate. I don't care what she gets up to or how she may feel about me. I don't long for her. I don't even think of her. I am happy to not know what she is doing.

Enlighten, how long didit take you to get to this place of indifference?

Somewhere between 3 and 3 1/2 years. I cant say for sure as when it happened I didn't notice it. It probably took longer than some as the divorce dragged out and I have children with my ex wife so had a lot of annoying behaviour still going on. If I didn't have children then I reckon I would have got there around the two year mark.

[joeramabeme]

Enlighten, how long did it take you to get to this place of indifference?

Somewhere between 3 and 3 1/2 years. I cant say for sure as when it happened I didn't notice it. It probably took longer than some as the divorce dragged out and I have children with my ex wife so had a lot of annoying behaviour still going on. If I didn't have children then I reckon I would have got there around the two year mark.

@UGH 

It has been 3 months for me.  I thought at month two I was pretty over it but am now going through another intense wave of feelings just as strong as first wave. 

Light end of rainbow needed

[Mutt]

joeramabeme,

It gets better   I think that the healing path is different for everyone and we all reach the final stages of detachment ( freedom ) at our own pace and at different times.

My advise to speed up the recovery is to go through the pain instead of taking the long way around. I'm not saying that you're not going through it, but it's my advice for everyone.

Reflect, don't repress.

problemsolver,

im certainly not seen in a bright light... .weeks just seem to be flying by. . I looked at the calendar and thought wow... i can't believe I still think about the scenarios...

I understand. I think that what you are describing is rethinking scenarios often in your mind to see if there could have been a potentionaly different outcome or if you could have done things different perhaps you would have been able to save the relationship?

It sounds like you are talking about ruminations. Check this article, can you relate with ruminations?

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

[problemsolver]

joeramabeme,

It gets better   I think that the healing path is different for everyone and we all reach the final stages of detachment ( freedom ) at our own pace and at different times.

My advise to speed up the recovery is to go through the pain instead of taking the long way around. I'm not saying that you're not going through it, but it's my advice for everyone.

Reflect, don't repress.

problemsolver,

im certainly not seen in a bright light... .weeks just seem to be flying by. . I looked at the calendar and thought wow... i can't believe I still think about the scenarios...

I understand. I think that what you are describing is rethinking scenarios often in your mind to see if there could have been a potentionaly different outcome or if you could have done things different perhaps you would have been able to save the relationship?

It sounds like you are talking about ruminations. Check this article, can you relate with ruminations?

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

Yeah ... I definitely have ruminations... part of the ruminations are due to the fact that she could seemingly live 2 or 3 different lives at the same time without wavering at all... convinced me of one thing another guy something else... ex boyfriend something else... mutual friends something else... how could one live such a life? she could sell water to a lake... great "actress"? One could say... very impressive in a sense.

[Mutt]

joeramabeme,

It gets better   I think that the healing path is different for everyone and we all reach the final stages of detachment ( freedom ) at our own pace and at different times.

My advise to speed up the recovery is to go through the pain instead of taking the long way around. I'm not saying that you're not going through it, but it's my advice for everyone.

Reflect, don't repress.

problemsolver,

im certainly not seen in a bright light... .weeks just seem to be flying by. . I looked at the calendar and thought wow... i can't believe I still think about the scenarios...

I understand. I think that what you are describing is rethinking scenarios often in your mind to see if there could have been a potentionaly different outcome or if you could have done things different perhaps you would have been able to save the relationship?

It sounds like you are talking about ruminations. Check this article, can you relate with ruminations?

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

Yeah ... I definitely have ruminations... part of the ruminations are due to the fact that she could seemingly live 2 or 3 different lives at the same time without wavering at all... convinced me of one thing another guy something else... ex boyfriend something else... mutual friends something else... how could one live such a life? she could sell water to a lake... great "actress"? One could say... very impressive in a sense.

It will catch up with her sooner or later.

Is the connection with the ruminating thoughts and her dysfunctional behaviors the fact that she didn't validate your hurt feelings and that she can live 2 or 3 lives all at the same time unwavered?

[problemsolver]

joeramabeme,

It gets better   I think that the healing path is different for everyone and we all reach the final stages of detachment ( freedom ) at our own pace and at different times.

My advise to speed up the recovery is to go through the pain instead of taking the long way around. I'm not saying that you're not going through it, but it's my advice for everyone.

Reflect, don't repress.

problemsolver,

im certainly not seen in a bright light... .weeks just seem to be flying by. . I looked at the calendar and thought wow... i can't believe I still think about the scenarios...

I understand. I think that what you are describing is rethinking scenarios often in your mind to see if there could have been a potentionaly different outcome or if you could have done things different perhaps you would have been able to save the relationship?

It sounds like you are talking about ruminations. Check this article, can you relate with ruminations?

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

Yeah ... I definitely have ruminations... part of the ruminations are due to the fact that she could seemingly live 2 or 3 different lives at the same time without wavering at all... convinced me of one thing another guy something else... ex boyfriend something else... mutual friends something else... how could one live such a life? she could sell water to a lake... great "actress"? One could say... very impressive in a sense.

It will catch up with her sooner or later.

Is the connection with the ruminating thoughts and her dysfunctional behaviors the fact that she didn't validate your hurt feelings and that she can live 2 or 3 lives all at the same time unwavered?

Yeah , I really don't know whether to laugh or cry?  Its relatively comical what happened... but one would think , what's the point of playing with people?  Tell the truth once and that's closure... as you keep lying the pressure just mounts :/

Essential I'm the scapegoat for the whole collapse... .She smeared me as a cheater , devalued me and our r/s... you can't tell someone all these sweet things hook them in pretending I actually mean something then lay the hammer down on me as if I am an insignificant ant to her... .Also the double standard / no remorse leaves me scratching my head... .she essential did me a lot of wrong ... While projecting all these these things onto me... so I felt incredibly guilty until I found out the truth , but then she gave me the worst tongue lashing once I found out the truth to dump further guilt and shame on me... .she's very high functioning as well so none around me can really tell who she "really" is in a sense...

Such a very very very odd experience... .A genuine person who wanted my love at first?... but the "bad" in her is very "bad" ... mix that in with an enabler/controlling ex boyfriend who wont really leave her alone... possibly a BPD as well? Just a very weird experience overall.

[Mutt]

Essential I'm the scapegoat for the whole collapse... .

I understand. My ex didn't take responsibility for her actions after our relationship broke. A relationship takes two people, it's 50 /50.

I was cast as a scapegoat as well, I don't have to assume the role. Her behaviors and her actions are hers to own, if she doesn't want to own them, I don't have to own her share.

Your ex has rigid thought patterns, dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking and she doesn't see you as an integrated whole; a person with both good and positive qualities, realistically there are two sides to a medallion, she's not seeing your good side.

Have you given thought about letting go of the feelings of shame and guilt? You're not responsible if she goes around telling stories about you.