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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I just want to know if my ex misses me.  (Read 6520 times)
Invictus01
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« Reply #30 on: October 30, 2015, 09:56:23 PM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

I am glad you decided to get help. The vast majority of personality disordered people never get it for one reason or another. So, this is a huge step. This being said, let me say something that might be perceived a bit too straight forward... .but it is the truth and the reality.

I hope after you got enough therapy and can look back at all this, you can understand and realize how incredibly unfair it is for the other person to go through something like this. When your soulmate sabotages the relationship without a reason, ghosts you like you never existed... .and then you are the one who is expected to make things right? By doing what? And even if you try, you are perceived to be weak and weird for trying to be with somebody like your ex, so you are dished out a bunch of devaluation (which is why second and third and fourth rounds never work). And in the end, the contact from either side is viewed as a win or a loss as if this is some sort of a game? This is simply mind bending if you don't know what you are dealing with. And a whole lot of people actually try to do this over and over and over again, try to make things right.

We are always reminded to have compassion for our exs. And frankly, you gotta be pretty damn off in your head yourself if you can't have compassion for somebody with a mental illness (granted it might take a few months... .or years)  Personally, I have forgiven a long time ago because... .well, how can't you once you put two and two together? But, I hope, one day you get to the point where you can look back and can have compassion for all those people who you lost along the way because compassion is really a two way street.
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« Reply #31 on: October 31, 2015, 01:15:49 AM »

Well 13 my wish for you is that you are granted the strength to read these posts and hang in there. It will be hard and I am sure at times very upsetting but I believe if you have had the strength to get this far then it will do you and us the world of good. I think from your second post you are feeling compassion or something very close and you have certainly acknowledged the hurt that has been caused and brave enough to explain why. (see below)I hope you realise comments and questions  here are not personal and that as Skip says you are not a proxy for our partners. Also which mustn't be forgotten is your ex, in fact more than one were NPD, that cannot have helped in your struggle. We use the word non's quite freely as a dividing us and them line however many of us have our own issues, mine for instance is co-dependency and I have very deeply sown insecurities from my childhood that I have only recently realised has been affecting my life and certainly affected my relationship with my ex. I may be NON BPD but I am not whole that's for sure. I hope I with help from therapy can come as far as you have. 

My other wish is that we all can work together to help heal and go forward. In a nutshell, we are all seeking the same thing in our future and I wish it for all of us from the bottom of my soppy heart Smiling (click to insert in post) xx

I used to not feel too sorry for how I treated others, because I thought (and still do at times) think everyone lies and manipulates to get what they want. Everyone.  That's how i used to think, but now I know differently,  and the majority of people are not like me and my family. They are actually good and honest people out there. People that don't manipulate to get what they want or need actually exist, and that is something that is truly hard for me to wrap my head around... .but I am, and I'm looking at the world with new lenses. I thank my lucky stars every single day that my perspective is changing, and I'm so blessed I'm finally realizing it before it's too late.

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« Reply #32 on: October 31, 2015, 09:42:01 AM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

Thank you so much, I wish my ex had the same realization you have. I respect how far you've come, I know it wasn't easy.
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« Reply #33 on: October 31, 2015, 12:17:50 PM »

I am at that stage that you are talking about, Invictus01, and I have and am currently looking back with complete remorse. Making amends along the way. But I don't know why I feel the need to tell you my personal progress, and where my recovery stands, but I feel the anger in your words, and they're seemingly directed at me.

I didn't choose to be the scapegoat, and while those may not be your intentions, it certainly feels that way, Invictus01. I already live with immense guilt, and don't need anymore reminders, especially from strangers.

Someone else posted that I shouldn't be giving advice, and while I can see that perspective, I'm not crazy nor does this disorder stop me from living real life. I am high functioning, educated, and only "BPD" in romantic relationships. I have several friends who come to me for advice, which is genuine, well thought out, and well received. But, I am on my personal journey and don't want to have to be on the defense. That's not why I posted yesterday.

Although the majority of you all have been super kind, which I truly appreciate, it those who project their issues and anger onto me like this post, that trigger me, again my issue, I've decided this will be my last comment.

I wish everyone the best in their recovery, and do know that brighter days are around the corner.
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« Reply #34 on: October 31, 2015, 12:42:19 PM »

Aaah, sweetheart, this is what I was afraid of. I personally and am sure many more will miss your insight and help more than anything. You do not need anger and more pain, it is unfortunate that sometimes at different stages of recovery and due to the depth of hurt they have received that is all people can give. I will never forget the comfort you have given me and want you to know your bravery and honesty is like a beacon for me and will not be forgotten. I cant do clever words and paragraphs from things I have read on my journey, I cant dish out erudite advice as quite frankly I don't understand half of it. I can tell you from plain simple feelings and emotion you have made a huge difference to me.  I know you will make it and one day I will come back to these boards and my name wont be Sadly anymore. All the love and best wishes for your future happiness,   xx
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« Reply #35 on: October 31, 2015, 02:14:06 PM »

I am at that stage that you are talking about, Invictus01, and I have and am currently looking back with complete remorse. Making amends along the way. But I don't know why I feel the need to tell you my personal progress, and where my recovery stands, but I feel the anger in your words, and they're seemingly directed at me.

I didn't choose to be the scapegoat, and while those may not be your intentions, it certainly feels that way, Invictus01. I already live with immense guilt, and don't need anymore reminders, especially from strangers.

Someone else posted that I shouldn't be giving advice, and while I can see that perspective, I'm not crazy nor does this disorder stop me from living real life. I am high functioning, educated, and only "BPD" in romantic relationships. I have several friends who come to me for advice, which is genuine, well thought out, and well received. But, I am on my personal journey and don't want to have to be on the defense. That's not why I posted yesterday.

Although the majority of you all have been super kind, which I truly appreciate, it those who project their issues and anger onto me like this post, that trigger me, again my issue, I've decided this will be my last comment.

I wish everyone the best in their recovery, and do know that brighter days are around the corner.

My post was never meant to be angry and I really apologize if it came across that way. I am long past that stage. I have read about the topic enough to understand it and understand where this is coming from. And I simply can not be angry at somebody with a personality disorder. They didn't choose it, they didn't somehow acquire it on their own will. Like I said, there are very very few people with a personality disorder who even get to the point where they decide to seek help and stick with it. There is nothing but admiration from me and I am glad that you are able to see the other side of this.

What I said was just to show what the other side looks like. It really isn't pretty. I really don't know how to describe the feeling when the whole relationship breaks up initially and your brain simply can not reconcile what in the world just happened and how this could possibly be - one day you are soulmates, another day you don't exist. It feels like you are going nuts. It feels like somebody is playing a very bad joke on you and all you can think of is "This can't be happening. This isn't possible. She is gonna come around and tell me it was some sort of a test, right? What did I do to make it so bad that she makes me feel like I don't exist?" It feels like a mental torture and it takes a whole lot of time to snap out of this.

Again, I sincerely apologize if what I said came across as anger. It never meant to be.
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« Reply #36 on: October 31, 2015, 02:24:50 PM »

I didn't hear any anger in Invictus' posts, or read that he was scapegoating anyone.

He wrote in one post

When your soulmate sabotages the relationship without a reason, ghosts you like you never existed... .and then you are the one who is expected to make things right? By doing what? And even if you try, you are perceived to be weak and weird for trying to be with somebody like your ex, so you are dished out a bunch of devaluation (which is why second and third and fourth rounds never work).

---Yes this is generally the process that happens. I would say, though, that the second and later rounds don't work because of inconsistency, splitting and push-pull, not just becasue the partner initiated the reunion. There are many people in these relationship who recycle when the pwBPD makes the first initiative to reunite,, and it still doesn't work out
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« Reply #37 on: October 31, 2015, 04:14:43 PM »

I didn't hear any anger in Invictus' posts, or read that he was scapegoating anyone.

He wrote in one post

When your soulmate sabotages the relationship without a reason, ghosts you like you never existed... .and then you are the one who is expected to make things right? By doing what? And even if you try, you are perceived to be weak and weird for trying to be with somebody like your ex, so you are dished out a bunch of devaluation (which is why second and third and fourth rounds never work).

---Yes this is generally the process that happens. I would say, though, that the second and later rounds don't work because of inconsistency, splitting and push-pull, not just becasue the partner initiated the reunion. There are many people in these relationship who recycle when the pwBPD makes the first initiative to reunite,, and it still doesn't work out

After my first breakup my ex came back after a few weeks, 3 months later she breaks up with me because she was miserable in our relationship. She broke nc after a few weeks and I played it cool and wished her the best, then I messed it up by calling her back a week later because I missed her. She was cold and she scoffed at the idea of me winning her back. I felt so foolish and called her a terrible person then blocked her number. I regretted it immediately, but there's nothing I can do about it now and I know she's probably out with a guy forgetting her relationship with me. I'm having a hard time trying to accept reality that she's not coming back, it's been 2 weeks since our talk.
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« Reply #38 on: October 31, 2015, 05:28:12 PM »

Humble wrote

I messed it up by calling her back a week later because I missed her. She was cold and she scoffed at the idea of me winning her back. I felt so foolish and called her a terrible person then blocked her number. I regretted it immediately, but there's nothing I can do about it now and I know she's probably out with a guy forgetting her relationship with me. I'm having a hard time trying to accept reality that she's not coming back

=====From what I have read in posts, whether the non or the BPD reaches out first, it doesn't always go well in the recycle, and can lead to another breakup.  As bpsufferer wrote, she's probably not "forgetting about" the relationship---it seems they do recall and miss the ex
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« Reply #39 on: October 31, 2015, 05:42:13 PM »

Humble wrote

I messed it up by calling her back a week later because I missed her. She was cold and she scoffed at the idea of me winning her back. I felt so foolish and called her a terrible person then blocked her number. I regretted it immediately, but there's nothing I can do about it now and I know she's probably out with a guy forgetting her relationship with me. I'm having a hard time trying to accept reality that she's not coming back

=====From what I have read in posts, whether the non or the BPD reaches out first, it doesn't always go well in the recycle, and can lead to another breakup.  As bpsufferer wrote, she's probably not "forgetting about" the relationship---it seems they do recall and miss the ex

It's weird because it's somewhat relieving to hear she hasn't forgot about me, I don't know how to feel about that
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« Reply #40 on: October 31, 2015, 06:19:23 PM »

It's weird because it's somewhat relieving to hear she hasn't forgot about me, I don't know how to feel about that

Guys, nothing said in this thread by Bpdsufferer13 explains the state of mind of your ex. pwBPD are not Golden Retrievers  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I own Golden Retrievers - even they aren't that predictable.

If we had an extended relationship with anyone, and one partner leaves they may do it sadly and miss the person - or they may be so absorbed in the idealization of someone else (or a job, or a... .) and be out of sight, out of mind - or any point between.

Bpdsufferer13 has given us an insight into her thinking, and it may resemble you ex in whole or part... .but you can't take it further than this.

Appreciate Bpdsufferer13's openness. You can see her humanity. She shared her blindspots. You can see that she was a product of her environment.

But be careful not to project.   Being cool (click to insert in post)


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« Reply #41 on: October 31, 2015, 06:53:47 PM »

I just wrote something very similar but much more wordy and it timed out so I lost everything. I think her posts showed a great deal of remorse and a very good grasp on her illness and what she has done to her partners. As her therapist worked with her and she learned what unhappiness she (her illness) caused she seemed horrified and is doing her level best to ensure it doesn't happen in the future to anyone else. I don't think she needs it pointing out what she has done and how it makes people feel, she probably knows more about BPD than some of us here do and clearly has a brilliant therapist who encouraged her to come to this site and read our lessons and stories, she reached out to help as well as learn and for some of us what she said about being missed is very comforting and much needed, it may be the only type of closure some of us will get.

She is gone now, I tried private messaging but she is not accepting any. I will ever be thankful for her brief but meaningful messages and hope that she will come back. This is how I feel.
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« Reply #42 on: October 31, 2015, 07:42:08 PM »

I could only hope my ex can gain a fraction of the insight that Bpdsufferer13 has shown. 

I fear though my ex is so wrapped up in placing blame anywhere other than herself, she may never understand she is the cause of all her pain.  She can change the actors and the set, but the script will always remain the same.
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« Reply #43 on: October 31, 2015, 08:00:50 PM »

Bp13,  I hope you continue to post, your feelings and thoughtfulness are very insightful... .I want you to stay. I'll be here for you.

Disregard all those that project negativity!
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« Reply #44 on: October 31, 2015, 08:53:21 PM »

It's weird because it's somewhat relieving to hear she hasn't forgot about me, I don't know how to feel about that

Guys, nothing said in this thread by Bpdsufferer13 explains the state of mind of your ex. pwBPD are not Golden Retrievers  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I own Golden Retrievers - even they aren't that predictable.

If we had an extended relationship with anyone, and one partner leaves they may do it sadly and miss the person - or they may be so absorbed in the idealization of someone else (or a job, or a... .) and be out of sight, out of mind - or any point between.

Bpdsufferer13 has given us an insight into her thinking, and it may resemble you ex in whole or part... .but you can't take it further than this.

Appreciate Bpdsufferer13's openness. You can see her humanity. She shared her blindspots. You can see that she was a product of her environment.

But be careful not to project.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

I don't wanna rain on anyone's party but what skips saying is spot on... I believe what BPDsuferrer13 is a good insight into her mind... I truly don't believe all people with BPD are the exact same... There can be some shocking comparisons in stories... but there isn't necessarily a one size fits all...

I can answer your question from my perspective or from my BPDex she did think about people from the past... she mentioned me to a friend of mine roughly 4 months after we last broke up/ spoke. . She was still hurt from my "betrayal"... I honestly thought she didn't care and forgot about me but she didn't apparently. ... . Having a phone conversation. . Or being open to texting or "recycling" is a completely different story who knows what she's thinking?  Alot of her rationale for things while we dated was "out of the box" / unconventional in my opinion ... if I went out and didn't call her to come sleep over her rational was he must of met someone new... this is how she thought.

She may go to sleep crying about me every night, she may be seeking a replacement that looks exactly like me to relive what we had(the guy she is currently idolizing looks very very similar to me) how am I to know? She may want to reach out but is too embarrassed. .She may miss me on a Monday at 1pm and wish I text her... I may reach out a week later and she doesn't feel the same ... then she has all the power to make me  feel hurt "I don't wanna hear from you I said... ". . You know?  Its just a very mixed bag. Life's about timing and so often with BPDs it seems that there is very little margin for error in that timing... basically "walking on egg shells"
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« Reply #45 on: October 31, 2015, 09:56:09 PM »

The reason BPDsufferer13 resonated with so many is because we rarely hear from the "other side".

My daughter just celebrated three years of sobriety this past week.  During the initial detox stage I went to many educational forums where every so often there would be a speaker who had been sober for several months, a couple years or longer.  Was this done to promote false hope or engender comparisons?  No---it was done to allow us to hear from and become educated about the "other side".

Granted BPDsufferer13 is one sample size and we should "date" and not "marry" her commentary.  That being said, any insight she can provide to enhance our recovery is welcome in my judgement.
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« Reply #46 on: October 31, 2015, 09:59:00 PM »

Thank you, very insightful
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« Reply #47 on: October 31, 2015, 10:18:01 PM »

 I know there may be some pwBPD who will walk away without a second thought and move on, and those that will walk away and forever believe it was our fault and those that whatever! The very possibility that they did miss us on whatever level that maybe and did think about us when we are done is enough to give great comfort. I don't know, we don't know. It is a huge thing to take in when you truly believe or basically can't believe that what you shared meant nothing. A massive concept to get your head around that your forever person, the biggest love of your life can live the rest of their lives without giving you a second thought. As it has been said, all our relationships are different but with the huge common thread running through them. I don't think that I am not facing reality but if I can now have hope that maybe, just maybe my ex missed me and thought about me sometimes then that is exactly what I am going to do and if doing that helps my healing process which I believe it may well do then good, I will gladly and not Sadly Smiling (click to insert in post) accept it.
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« Reply #48 on: October 31, 2015, 10:55:08 PM »

She may miss me on a Monday at 1pm and wish I text her... I may reach out a week later and she doesn't feel the same ... then she has all the power to make me  feel hurt "I don't wanna hear from you I said... ". . You know?  Its just a very mixed bag.

This is a great point. Their feelings on most everything change so quickly and dramatically, it's really impossible to say whether they miss us in general. And trust me, it hurts more to hear her say she misses me, and then find out that the next day she's cozying up to the replacement. Three days ago my ex was desperately agreeing to do anything to get me back, and today I tried to reach out and, nothing.

I think to really miss someone, you have to see them as a whole person and have a constant idea of them and your relationship with them. PwBPD don't think like that. My ex didn't see all of me as a person, I was just a screen for her to project her drama onto.

When she would express missing her previous girlfriend or an old friend, it was clearly traceable to some sort of drama she had going on. 99% of the time the old girlfriend was painted black, but then sometimes she would paint me so black that she would feel compelled to reach out to the old girlfriend or cry (to me!) about how much she missed her. Then she would mention to me, during a rage, that she'd been talking with the old girlfriend--to push me away or try to assert that she's independent and non-engulfed.

I'd imagine it's the same with her missing me. It probably depends on how she's doing with the replacement. She's also told me at times that she felt lonely, but it sounded more like she was just overwhelmed by her emotions and core shame and missed having someone to dump it all on.
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« Reply #49 on: October 31, 2015, 10:55:49 PM »

I know there may be some pwBPD who will walk away without a second thought and move on, and those that will walk away and forever believe it was our fault and those that whatever!

I fear my ex is one of these, and it breaks my heart.  
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« Reply #50 on: November 01, 2015, 12:12:49 AM »

I think to really miss someone, you have to see them as a whole person and have a constant idea of them and your relationship with them. PwBPD don't think like that. My ex didn't see all of me as a person

this is the rub. pwBPD struggle with object constancy and object permanence issues. this would not translate to "missing" as we think of it.

does it occur to them that we exist, and does that differ in frequency and extent and the thoughts and feelings surrounding it? of course. our existence has not been wiped from their memory.

i think it is more accurate to describe it as struggling to recall us. a senior member described it as the "longing for reward". if that sounds like semantics, it doesnt much matter what you call it. suffice to say we likely do not experience things in the same way as our partners.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.



Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

edit: "i miss you" was something i heard more than frequently from my ex. they are certainly the words she used. i think the explanation for what she was communicating was more complex.
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« Reply #51 on: November 01, 2015, 12:52:12 AM »

Does my ex miss me?

I see her every day at work. I see her interact with almost everybody but me. She goes out of her way to interact with them. All communication if any is initiated by me. I sometimes bring her coffee. She's never returned the favour. She'll say "thanks" and smile then go talk to someone for 30 minutes. After work, nothing. I have to be the one that initiates.

I see her on her phone all the time texting people. Not me. So she's clearly thinking of someone in her mind and saying to herself "I miss this person. I'm going to text them. I want to talk to them". I'm not one of those people she's missing.

2 years being her "soulmate" and now I don't exist. But she talks all the time about the wonderful guy that just broke her heart and dumped her.

I've experienced devaluation, it sucked. I've experienced silent treatment, it's awful. But nothing hurts more than being in her physical presence and feeling complete indifference emanating from her. Indifference says if I was hit by a bus on my way to work and my boss told everyone I died, her response would be "Oh" and she'd go about her day.

She doesn't miss her ex that committed suicide either.

This is why I am LostGhost. Because I still exist, I still see her, but I can't interact with her on any meaningful level. I'm just "there" in the background. My presence is barely acknowledged. 

I had a totally random yoga teacher message me a few weeks back. I have taken maybe five classes with her. I was sitting alone feeling sorry for myself and a text popped up at midnight from this yoga teacher saying "Hey! I just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you a lot lately! I miss seeing you! Hope you're ok! Stop by for a class soon!"

Someone I've spent maybe 6 hours with, thinking of me and missing me. Someone I haven't seen for 3 months or so. In comparison to my ex who I gave my heart and soul to for 2 years and she can't say "I miss you. I think of you. Remember the time we... .remember when you said... .it was fun when we... ."

It's not shame, guilt, fear, anxiety. She's not hiding from me or scared of me. We're on good terms and we're cordial. But she does not miss me. Does not miss my touch, my humour, my words of affirmation, my gifts, my love, my time, my company, my laughter, my comfort, my heart, my chest rising and falling as she cuddled me at night. She discarded all of that and moved on with her life.

No, my ex doesn't miss me. And it's probably the hardest concept to accept. I almost refuse to accept it because it shatters everything I know about reality. She doesn't miss me, not today at least. Tomorrow who knows!

But I know who misses me. I miss me. I miss being proud of who I am, of feeling useful and worthwhile, I miss feeling confident and full of potential and ambition. I've spent almost every minute of the last two years with her catering to my ex that I forgot about me. And in the time without her I spent every minute wondering if she thinks of me or misses me. That needs to stop! And I'm finally getting to that point. It's such a SLOW process!

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« Reply #52 on: November 01, 2015, 01:05:22 AM »

edit: "i miss you" was something i heard more than frequently from my ex. they are certainly the words she used. i think the explanation for what she was communicating was more complex.

I too also heard this frequently.  Do you have any insight into this that you would like to share?
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« Reply #53 on: November 01, 2015, 01:13:18 AM »

No, my ex doesn't miss me. And it's probably the hardest concept to accept. I almost refuse to accept it because it shatters everything I know about reality. She doesn't miss me, not today at least. Tomorrow who knows!

But I know who misses me. I miss me. I miss being proud of who I am, of feeling useful and worthwhile, I miss feeling confident and full of potential and ambition. I've spent almost every minute of the last two years with her catering to my ex that I forgot about me. And in the time without her I spent every minute wondering if she thinks of me or misses me. That needs to stop! And I'm finally getting to that point. It's such a SLOW process!

This really hits home for me.  Thank you.
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« Reply #54 on: November 01, 2015, 02:45:34 AM »

edit: "i miss you" was something i heard more than frequently from my ex. they are certainly the words she used. i think the explanation for what she was communicating was more complex.

I too also heard this frequently.  :)o you have any insight into this that you would like to share?

a person with BPD has an unstable sense of self, feels chronic loneliness, aloneness, emptiness. accordingly, a person with BPD has an unstable sense of others (us). a person with BPD attaches to others as a means of seeking a sense of self.

a person with BPD also, as mentioned, struggles with object constancy and object permanency. in short this means two things: they struggle when it comes to seeing us in shades of grey, outside black or white, idealization or devaluation (constancy). it also means they struggle to sense us when we are not physically present (permanence). you and i soothe loneliness by conjuring up psychological images of loved ones. a person with BPD is unable to conjure such an image. at some point in your relationship, i would guess your ex may have hung onto an item of yours that reminded her of you. these items are often a means of conjuring a sense of us. it effectively is the same process going on as telling you "i miss you".

"i miss you" means "i feel alone and i am seeking a sense of you to soothe my sense of aloneness". it means "i feel empty - reassure me".

this isnt conscious. it isnt manipulation. in fact, we all do this on some level, unconsciously; its selfish on a base level, but when we tell someone we miss them, we mean it. so does a person with BPD. what we mean, what we are communicating, are two fundamentally different things.
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« Reply #55 on: November 01, 2015, 02:53:07 AM »

at some point in your relationship, i would guess your ex may have hung onto an item of yours that reminded her of you.

Your guess is correct.  She would take the shirt I was wearing and hold onto it until the smell of me was gone, then she would want a new one.  This happened mostly early on in the relationship ... .probably what would be considered the clinger stage?
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« Reply #56 on: November 01, 2015, 07:29:59 AM »

Mine always wanted to sniff me and have things that smelled like me too... .I guess he thought I did that as well, because he always wanted to leave a shirt of his behind with me! When we were first dating and In fact I have one ready to go to goodwill now from the last time he was here.  Strange... .His GF posted something about wearing his shirt to bed and liked smelling him! I thought great- sweat, beer and cigarettes... .lovely! LOL

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« Reply #57 on: November 01, 2015, 07:54:08 AM »

Staff only

The thread has reached it's post limit and is now locked. You're welcome with starting a new or similar topic of discussion.
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