Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:19:07 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Over a year and she finds me, on my birthday  (Read 598 times)
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« on: November 03, 2015, 10:05:36 PM »

my BPDexgf texted me. It's been over a year. I had her blocked for almost 2 years. She called me from her roommates number and we caught up. We texted briefly but she continued the same cycle as per usual so I reblocked her and her roommates number. Now a year later she texts me happy birthday! I find out from my mom she has a new new bf, her last one, when we were still talking she told me she's "really falling for him" This girl has a new BF every year. She's had 5 bfs in 4 and a half years! All of which she falls in "love" with Apparently she's moved to Canada for him, he's an actor.

I texted her back just saying "thanks so much hope all is well" Never heard anything back from her which is so freaking annoying. It's funny. Her patterns clearly demonstrates someone who is severely disordered. Yet the moment she texts me I fall back into it.

I still think about her every single day. Clearly she still thinks about me. After all this time I'm still on her mind, even when she has a BF.  It still just breaks my heart. I can't break the fantasy of us getting back together after all this time, after over a year of strict NC.  After time after time she shows such viscous terrible BPD behavior.

It's funny, when she had her last bf and talked so highly of him I was crushed. I looked him up on FB and he seemed really genuine. I told myself it wouldn't last. The fact that she's "in love" speaks volumes. I told myself if she breaks up with him its just another check mark in the BPD column of her past behavior. Well here I get the facts yet I'm still crushed.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2015, 11:18:08 PM »

Your responwe was good, brief and friendly. It sounds like you're hurt that she didn't reciprocate with even a friendly reply. Not even a "thanks, it's going ok," seems invaldating.

You've observed the pattern: this is who she is. Even if a recycle possibly were to happen, she is still who she is. Do you feel stuck on whom you already know she is, or what you desire her to be?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2015, 11:29:25 PM »

Stuck on my desire who I want her to be. And yeah. We don't talk for over a year, she texts me then doesn't even say anything back? It's just not right. And she knew I I had her blocker previously. There's no reason to text me. It's just so hurtful. And it really does drive me crazy that she doesn't even respond. And when I hear shes with this new BF an actor, I start really going crazy thinking she's all happy with this guy whose on his to being a successful actor an that she'll live happily ever after. Although this was the thoughts I had with her last bf, and clearly there was no happily ever after with them either.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2015, 11:56:31 PM »

It would be hurtful to me, too.

She's made a major change by moving. Could it be that she was reaching out for stability,.feeling anxious or engulfed? Possibly. Does it change anything with you? Probably not. She may have been reaching out for validation. Your response was friendly (nothing at all wrong with that), but it's entirely within your control on how to respond later if she reaches out again. You had asserted a boundary. She busted it, but you responded well.

My Ex recently told me that she regrets leaving me. I deflected rather than pursuing it. Boundary. She left me. Sure, I still sometimes miss her, but she made her choices. Sometimes accepting that our Exes are independent entities, free to make their own foolish choices, is hard to accept. You know who she is. Actions demonstrate character; not words. What keeps you attached?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2015, 01:13:21 AM »

The problem was that it was my birthday. But it was her birthday a few weeks ago and I didn't text her. I mean she always feels anxious and engulfed. I barely remember a single moment of her happy and at peace. It's funny. Even in my daydreams/fantasies of being with her I'm always trying to calm her down or like am apologizing for something.

What keeps me attached is that I still feel like she's attached to me. Which she clearly is otherwise she wouldn't have reached out. None of my other exes texted me on my birthday. I still hold onto the hope of getting back together with her. I know she's crazy, I know she has severe issues, I know the chances of being in  happy marriage with a BPD is virtually nonexistent and is a brutal journey. I was absolutely miserable when we dated. She never made me feel loved or wanted or like I was good enough, yet if she called me saying she regrets leaving me and wanted to get back together I would go to her so fast I would set a world record. 
Logged
Reforming
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2015, 01:36:28 AM »

Hi Zen,

I think one of the hardest things about processing these relationships is the "belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel about the relationship"

Excerpt
What keeps me attached is that I still feel like she's attached to me. Which she clearly is otherwise she wouldn't have reached out.

Your ex may think of you sporadically when she's feeling engulfed or vulnerable, and reach out, but what does that really mean.

My ex sent me a text a year and a half after we'd separated, telling me I would always be one of the most important people in her life.

At the time I found it very upsetting and disorientating, but I asked myself what did it actually mean? Ultimately her actions were what mattered, her words didn't really mean anything.

It's a hard lesson, but a disordered person can think about an ex for a moment or a day, but that's utterly different from how you or I might feel.

I understand why your exes sporadic messages can be so upsetting. At this point it's about looking after yourself.

Would you consider texting or messaging her the next time she reaches out and nicely but firmly saying that you feel it's better if she doesn't try to contact you again?

Reforming

Logged

zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2015, 05:35:02 PM »

So I've played this NC game so many times. I blocked her so many times. It's crazy to think that she still contacts me. It's never to recycle. She never wants to get back together with me. She just tells me how great her life is and wants to talk about her current BF or remind me how she never really loved me when we dated or that we weren't good together.

And everytime she contacts me I tell myself she's changed. Or I fantasize about her saying :"I miss and love you so much, I want to see you" But that never happens. She actually texted me again.

"How have you been? Where are you living? How is everything!"

This was a 10 pm at night! I think she has a new bf. Texting you ex late night? I have not responded to her yet. But I know I will.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2015, 05:42:27 PM »

This was a 10 pm at night! I think she has a new bf. Texting you ex late night? I have not responded to her yet. But I know I will.

You know that you don't have to, right?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
JohnnyShoes
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2015, 06:06:52 PM »

Permit me to say this... but the disordered exgf, like mine, MAY still think about you... .

Like a pair of old shoes in the back of her closet.

Think about it.
Logged
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2015, 06:13:06 PM »

I just know shes suffering, she obviously is going through multiple bfs moving multiple times. I don't know. I still always hold out the hope that we can get back together and be happy.
Logged
PDQuick
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Happily living with myself
Posts: 2827


Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2015, 06:34:42 PM »

Hey Zen, I'm sorry you are going through this, and I know it sucks.

Pardon me with not familiarizing myself with your story, I am starting a little cold here.

When you think about her, what do you think about? And, of those thoughts, which ones are reality based, and which ones are fantasy based? The reason I ask is, when I went through my situation years ago, most of my thoughts were fantasy based. They focused on a woman that I wanted, not one that has presented her self. I later learned that I was in love with a Cinderella story of a relationship, one that could be, if you will, if the script was stuck to. Alas, she never read a line of the script, but there I was, still dressed as the handsome Prince trying to shove that glass slipper on a foot that it didn't fit.

So, without getting speculative about her feelings and emotions, what is it that you miss? What are the things that you remember good? And most important, how much of your memory is based in facts, rather than fantasy?

Logged


zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2015, 07:18:05 PM »

I know it's probably fantasy. But she tricks me every time.  The moment I have a text from her I go through it all over again. I think she misses me, wants to be with me deep down but her disorder keeps her away from me. Texting me at night alone in bed is generally a sign of missing someone. Yearning for them. Although I know people with BPD aren't like normal people :/
Logged
PDQuick
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Happily living with myself
Posts: 2827


Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2015, 08:04:15 PM »

If you feel up to it, lets dig in to it a little. If you don't mind, answer the questions, again, from your perspective, without speculating on her emotions or feelings.
Logged


zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2015, 08:24:56 PM »

The reality is that she clearly has textbook BPD. That is so abundantly clear. Undeniable. She made me feel worthless, terrible, unworthy of love. Most of our relationship was awful. She never really showed love towards me. Everything was always about her. She's already had 3 bfs since we dates. It's been two years since we broke up.

I tell myself she's changed. She see's the light. She realizes that I'm the best (no offense to all you wonderful guys out there

That she misses me. People don't text their exes at night alone without the feelings of missing them! Yearning for them.

She's the definition of "I hate you don't leave me" Her actions always scream, "I miss you, I'm sorry, I love you" But her words say, "I don't love you. I'm with someone else and he's amazing. I'm the happiest girl ever"

But we know BPD's aren't happy. That their lonely, suffering, in pain. Even if all their dreams came true and was dating the most perfect human being on earth they would still be unhappy.
Logged
PDQuick
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Happily living with myself
Posts: 2827


Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2015, 08:49:14 PM »

Ok Zen (If I may call you Zen  Being cool (click to insert in post) ) I get you Brother, I really do. I know exactly where you are at, and I am sure that somewhere in my previous posts, I have written those same words.

Out of your entire response, I see one thing that is about you:

Excerpt
She made me feel worthless, terrible, unworthy of love.

Zen, you are here, and you are the only one we can talk to. You are seeking help, understanding, knowledge, and healing from this relationship. She isn't here, so we will never hear from her on how she feels, and what she is thinking. Speculating on her thoughts and feelings isn't going to help us at all, because those just aren't facts that we have attained. Not being rude here, but she, in this conversation, is not going to matter for anything but context. She is the sea, you are the vessel. If we are trying to fix the ship, the sea is what ultimately brought it down, but it wasn't the sea that was the cause. You have the answers to your questions inside of you. You have the power to fix things for yourself, inside of you. You have the power to overcome these obstacles. None of this is embedded in her. Guess what Brother? This is great news, because you control you, and you don't have to rely on her to help you. Again, she is context, not causation.

Please allow me to change your quoted statement into something that we can work with:

At times, when I was with her, I felt worthless, terrible, and unworthy of love.

There. Now this is a solid statement that we can work with. Why did you personally feel these things Zen?



Logged


Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2015, 09:39:03 PM »

Hi Zen,

PDQuick has a good question. I can relate with putting my thoughts and feelings aside and putting my ex wife's thoughts and feelings foremost.

Can you see the contrast?

I just know shes suffering, she obviously is going through multiple bfs moving multiple times. I don't know. I still always hold out the hope that we can get back together and be happy.

She made you feel worthless, terrible, unworthy.

You're holding out hope that she's going to come back and make you happy.

How do you feel?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2015, 09:42:48 PM »

I hold on to the thought that she has changed. That she is different. I know I am a dramatically different person from back when we dated.
Logged
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2015, 09:58:56 PM »

Here's the thing. I know I'm going to respond to her text tonight. It will have been 24 hours since she texted me. The plan will be to just say I've been really good. I'm living in SD. I hope everything is going great with you. Or something along those lines.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2015, 10:08:08 PM »

I hold on to the thought that she has changed. That she is different. I know I am a dramatically different person from back when we dated.

Zen,

I completely understand. What traits make you who you are Zen? Do you feel like you weren't good enough for her in the relationship? Are you hoping she'll value you more because you made drastic changes?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
PDQuick
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Happily living with myself
Posts: 2827


Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2015, 10:09:51 PM »

Zen, you are free to do what ever you feel like doing. The truth is you want to respond.

The question now is, are you ready for the response you get?

I have a huge belief in actions versus words. It's really easy for me to tell you that I am sitting on a bean bag chair, eating Cheetos, and ready to send you $1000.00. But if you go shopping thinking that check is in the mail, on its way to you, this actions versus words thing becomes really real for you.

She can respond with literally anything you can think of.

You don't have to answer these questions here on the forum, but please answer them to yourself very honestly. What do you want to accomplish by texting her back? Where are you hoping the conversation goes? And are you ready to open that door you have held closed for so long, because you know how quickly these things can change.

We are here for you whatever you decide, and what ever you do.
Logged


zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2015, 10:19:54 PM »

I'm hoping she misses me and wants to see if we can get back together. That's the only reason why I would ever want to contact her
Logged
PDQuick
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Happily living with myself
Posts: 2827


Don't look outside for the answers within.


« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2015, 10:33:20 PM »

Looking back on your relationship, and how each participant conducted themselves, and how you felt during that time frame, is that what you want? To get back together?
Logged


zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2015, 10:46:55 PM »

I just know I'm a different person. And truly a different person. I've done a ton growing, healing, and changing. Meditation and mindfulness have had a really huge impact on my life. Honestly, most of the principles here seem to be rooted in those philosophies.

One could make the argument that If I changed then I would let her go and not bother because she's sick, but for some reason I'm still compelled to peak behind the curtain and see how she's doing. The truth is not a day goes by that she doesn't at least cross my mind once.
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2015, 11:01:23 PM »

She opened the curtain herself this time.

Showing she's not really there with you.

Staying focused on your personal balance is key.

Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2015, 11:17:54 PM »

Zen,

I'm happy to hear that you feel like you've grown as a person with your personal experience. You should give yourself a pat on the back. Experience makes me think of a quote.

Excerpt
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lessons afterwards. - Vernon Law

What kinds of lessons has the experience with your ex taught you so far?

What has she taught you about yourself?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2015, 12:09:31 AM »

She showed she's not there? I'm confused
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2015, 12:32:44 AM »

Zen,

I can see how I was confusing.

You're a truly different person. Why do you think the old relationship didn't work because of who you were then.?

Who are you today?

What would a relationship look like were you changed as a person and your ex is the same?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2015, 12:39:06 AM »

I think the relationship would be different because I'm so much better equipped to handle her. I doubt she has changed much. Most people never really change especially those with BPD, And I mean her texting me is already really a sign of her not changing. None of my other exes text me!
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2015, 10:42:31 AM »

I think the relationship would be different because I'm so much better equipped to handle her. I doubt she has changed much. Most people never really change especially those with BPD, And I mean her texting me is already really a sign of her not changing. None of my other exes text me!

Zen,

Ok. I'm sorry we don't have the tools on leaving, generally we help each other with the lessons and tools on detaching from the loss of the relationship and we can't help you with relationship tools to improve your relationship

You can share on the undecided / staying boards to learn the relationship tools with a pwBPD

Undecided: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0

Staying: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
zenwexler
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238


« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2015, 04:58:03 PM »

You know what I find genuinely funny. The people on the staying and the undecided boards ALL told me to let go and leave. I filled them on my whole story back when it was all happening and they all said let her go.

The best advice I heard was "Listen, we're on the staying board because most of us are bound by children or other commitments. If we could leave we would have a long time ago"

This was people who are staying! It's like actively signing up for a life long struggle of pain and suffering. I was told that I should feel incredibly grateful that I didn't end up having a child with her and should move on and detach as quickly as possible.

I'll never forget my therapist calmly saying to me, "spouses of BPD's almost never live a happy life. Recognize how sick you are for even wanting to be in a relationship with her"
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!