Knowing the inflicted pain after the break-up. Name 1 reason to recycle.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just wondering what would that be  ?

[guy4caligirl]

Just wondering what would that be  ?

[Someguywrote]

Because we miss them and want the pain to stop.

[guy4caligirl]

Let me add And Why ?

[zundertowz]

Unless you have a child you are trying to protect there isn't a healthy reason.  I'm guessing most of the people who recycle have their own issues such as codependency or self esteem issues.  If I could do it all over again I would have gone strict NC and never looked back.

[fromheeltoheal]

There's only a 'reason' to want to recycle if someone is focusing on specific beliefs about themselves, their partner and the relationship.  BTW, 'recycle' is what we do to Coke cans, the implication being that they will be used again.  Is that what someone really wants in a relationship, to be used again?  Maybe, depending on those beliefs.  But for clarity, what we're talking about is breaking up with someone, ending the relationship, and then getting back together again, reestablishing the relationship, yes?

So what would those beliefs be?

1.  Believing that things will be 'different' this time.

2.  Believing that if only you could have loved 'more' or 'better', things wouldn't have happened the way they did.

3.  Believing that in order to feel whole, you must spend all of your time putting someone else's issues first, and you feel empty and lost when you're not doing that.  Codependency it's called.

4.  Belief that you have no future and therefore live in the past, trying to recreate it in the present.

5.  Belief that you will never, ever find someone as intoxicating as your ex.

6.  Belief that whomever they're with now is 'better' than you, and that feels bad, so time to do something about it.

Those are off the top of my head; anyone else?  There's also a great article on this site here https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality that has great info.  

[joel6242]

Funny, that is how I described my feelings to my sister. I know how bad you feel. I am taking sleeping pills during the day to keep my anxiaties down so I can work. Thank god I work from home. Let me share my last recycle. I wanted to feel better and decided to move to Florida to get away from my ex BPD. I was doing much better in all areas before I moved. What did I do two weeks before the move, I ask him to come with. That was August 1st of this year. He seemed ok for the first 30 days and then slowly the monster came out. Last month I ask him to leave and he had me arrested again and I had to get a restraining order on him. While I was in jail he stole my wallet, all my cash, and several items. I had a complete melt down and have not been able to work. Financially, I have to make the decision to file bankruptcy in the next two weeks. It is not a good situation. On top of that I accidentally found out he was a transvestite escort and need to be tested for STDs.

I have been reading these post about NO CONTACT. I started three days ago. Also, get the stupidity I did. I have a restraining order him for violence and I was still contacting him because of that feeling. As bad as things are right now. I think I can pull my life out of the nose dive only if I have NO CONTACT. I think there is another bottom to hit if I go back and it is call homeless. I would also suggest writing down all of the things that the person did to you. I am just trying to get by day by day now.  

[guy4caligirl]

No contact is not an easy thing at all , the only way you can achieve it , first if you're ready after many attempts to plead, beg , if you like to restore the relation with nothing but rejection from the other party ,you will then realize that you can hit  water with a hammer and  the water will stay water !

 You only know when it's time to give up and say I Am going NC ... .

[Little oak]

This is a good topic... .very true words spoken guy4cali girl in that nc is not easy... .you only get to that point after realising no matter how much you try to reason with them to see logic you just give up. As messed up as I found myself and confused I did my best to keep my dignity,I never begged or pleaded and I think that hurt her,it was one little last piece of me I didn't give away. Many times I tried any many times I got rejected and put down she made the final decision and I won't try to persuade her otherwise.

[Mutt]

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

I didn't know about BPD until three months after she left and we were together for 7 and a half years. I sensed that there was something going on a few months before she left with her behaviors because she was in a rush to end the relationship. We had seperated several times over the years, usually a couple of weeks to a few weeks and it had become something that I had anticipated happening. The only thing that would make sense with how her words were final was that there was somebody else in the picture and she denied it when I had questioned her about it. That being said.

I knew that if there was another man that I would be fighting a fantasy and it would be near impossible to save the marriage. I also have a boundary with cheating and I lost what trust that I had left in her. I felt like she often complained about how unhappy that she was and I view life and marriage differently. She always wants to feel good and I understand that life has it's ups and downs and when you're going through rough patches things will eventually get better. She didn't view it at way, I was often the source of her malaise.

We also have kids together and her choice caused a ripple effect that affects the lives of everyone in our family because of her shortsightedness and selfishness. I thought that if I took her back if things were not going to work out with the affair partner that she would think that it's something that she can get away with a second time because I rescued her once. I didn't want to put that type of stress on the kids that the family that they know got back together and they list that family again.

Maybe there are grey areas that I didn't evaluate almost three years ago but for me it was very black and white for the kids. They had suffered enough the first time and mom telegraphs that her wants / needs are above the kids were the kids come first for me. To answer your question, I couldn't think of a reason to recycle.

Sure that would sooth pain but it's temporary because I was always the reason for the failures in our relationship and I know that she would blame me a second time and cheat again. It's not to say that I won't have break-ups in future relationships but I figured I don't need to break-up a second time with the sane person because of a chronic she pattern that she displayed over several years that she was always right and others were always wrong and her irresponsibility.

I don't think that we need to narrow it down to one reason to recycle.

Just wondering what would that be  ?

What reasons can you come up with if your ex was the same in the relationship? What things would change to make things work the second, third, fourth go around?

[hashtag_loyal]

I wouldn't recommend going back at all. I've read hundreds of posts on this board going back over a year, and the clear takeaway is this: No matter what the question is, the best answer always seems to be "NO CONTACT."

[Infern0]

In my case I realized that in our first go around that I had made mistakes myself and I thought that if I educated myself and kept my side clean that we could potentially have better success.

In reality it actually made things worse as reading all the horror stories on here made me paranoid and this time I actually bought the relationship down.

All up we just weren't a right fit, though in my defence I don't know who would be for her.

[balletomane]

I was recycled once and it occurred within five weeks of the breakup. I allowed it because I didn't believe that the irrational, vicious, manipulative person of the breakup was really my ex. He didn't even remember what he'd done and said, so that reassured me that he couldn't really have meant it - if he'd meant it he would remember it, wouldn't he? I was reeling, because the switch from Jekyll to Hyde had happened literally in the space of five minutes and I just couldn't bring myself to acknowledge that this was anything other than some freak storm on the landscape.

[zundertowz]

I was recycled once and it occurred within five weeks of the breakup. I allowed it because I didn't believe that the irrational, vicious, manipulative person of the breakup was really my ex. He didn't even remember what he'd done and said, so that reassured me that he couldn't really have meant it - if he'd meant it he would remember it, wouldn't he? I was reeling, because the switch from Jekyll to Hyde had happened literally in the space of five minutes and I just couldn't bring myself to acknowledge that this was anything other than some freak storm on the landscape.

After my first recycle where my ex pushed my out of the house by threats of false domestic abuse she said to me I can't believe you abandoned me and my kids.  I'll never figure out if it was a manipulation tactic or she is just nuts.

[English Sid]

I can find no reason to re-cycle, cut your losses and move on.

[FannyB]

I re-cycled as I was in so much pain that I felt I had nothing to lose. I knew it wouldn't last, but it bought me some vital time to process what had happened whilst still getting my 'fix'. When it all came crashing down again I was annoyed rather than devastated as I knew absolutely there was nothing I could have done to make the relationship work.

Fanny

[Michelle27]

I never actually recycled, but I hung on way too long, way past the point that my heart was done.  But because I'm a "good girl" who never gives up on anything or anyone who appears to need me, I stayed despite desperately wanting out.  Even when I was given confirmation by him admitting to affairs, I stayed because I listened to his words that he was going to change, honestly this time.  I should have known better... .promises were made for close to a decade and none were followed through on.  When the FOG lifted during a 3 month therapeutic separation I realized that words never seemed to translate into actions and I was seriously done.  That meant no recycle.  But if I am honest, the last 5 years of believing the promises and giving "one more chance" were a series of semi recycles as I knew what I was being subjected to over and over again were unfair and I needed out.  And yet, when I told him I was done, he had the balls to tell me that I "didn't give him enough of a chance".  Whatever.  There is absolutely no chance of ever going back to that again.

[guy4caligirl]

Fanny ,

Do you think that your experience of recycling eased up your pain and got your closure ?

Did it relieve you thereafter from feeling the pain or the lost , in another word was it easier to detach do you miss him ?

[FannyB]

Fanny ,

Do you think that your experience of recycling eased up your pain and got your closure ?

Did it relieve you thereafter from feeling the pain or the lost , in another word was it easier to detach do you miss him ?

Hi

It certainly eased my pain - like a heroine addict taking another fix. However I knew I had to get my head sorted longer term and it was easier for me to do that while I wasn't hurting so bad. Second time around was slightly melancholic as I could see her behaviours from a BPD perspective. I tried my best to soothe her, but in the end you can't stop a volcano from erupting!  

Do I miss her? Well I miss what we had initially, but I remember those days with fondness now rather than with a sense of longing. I still talk to her from time to time and like to know how she's doing without wishing to rekindle the relationship.

FannyByGaslighting

[Reforming]

I think a other posters have covered the reason for recycling pretty comprehensively so I think it might be worth exploring the alternative

Are there any good reasons to give a relationship another chance?

In some limited instances.

There are some examples of couples who have managed to make it work, few, but they exist.

Both partners, NON and PD did a lot of work on themselves. This seems to be an absolute prerequisite to any success.

The NONs working on their rescuing tendencies, co-dependency and invalidation. The BPDs doing extensive work in DBT etc to learn to manage their disorder.

It takes a lot of work from both and part of that is letting go of the outcome. There are no guarantees, but it is possible.

Is it worthwhile? I think that's a very personal choice

Reforming

[Beach_Babe]

FannyB: would  this have been harder if the ex went NC and hated you? Did lc actually help you to heal?

[FannyB]

FannyB: would  this have been harder if the ex went NC and hated you? Did lc actually help you to heal?

Hi Beach

If she had gone NC it would have been harder for me initially but it would have made me come to terms with things more quickly and adopt a different coping strategy. I am pretty bloody-minded, so had to take the opportunity for another bite at the cherry knowing she had BPD - I still loved her but almost needed to prove to myself beyond reasonable doubt that she really had BPD. 

LC has worked for me personally but everyone is different. Going NC would have almost invalidated the strong feelings I once had for her and as I was likely to bump into her through work I didn't think this was a viable strategy for me. Having said that, if she had gone NC I wouldn't have pushed it as that would have felt too awkward for me.


Fanny

[Schermarhorn]

Just wondering what would that be  ?

Another thing is that she told me she always self destructed and people would end up caring about themselves more than her. So in my mind I don't want to give up on her. Deep down I think it's that I want to be more than just another ex for her. I want to be special in a way.