Having to see her at work each day definitely makes it tough. hearing her voice from afar or hearing her laugh is hard. but it's slowly getting better.
I am with you Anez. Hearing her laugh and hearing her voice from a distance it extremely tough. What I know though is that she may be laughing and having a discussion with someone, but its ultimately superficial. Maybe or maybe not in that exact moment, but she's putting on an act for everyone to mimic normalcy. For instance, when we were all in a group at work, we would get to ripping on each other. You know, water cooler stuff. Everyone in the group would end up in the crosshairs at some point, her included. She would laugh and tell people to shut up or otherwise blow it off. She would rip on me and I'd fire back at her in a playful way (like I did with everyone). I can have a dry, sarcastic delivery, which most people find part of the hilarity when I fire back. I would wink at her or smile as we joked. However, she told me last night that my jokes cut her to the core (even though she would rip some on me and if she told me it bothered her, I wouldn't have joked with her) as did everyone else's jokes. Something as simple as that, she took extremely personal and found offensive. But to the outside world, she was laughing and involved in the spirit of jest. But, it was fake. She was laughing on the outside and crying on the inside.
As far as what you said about her flipping the switch, I don't think its about her being done with you as much as it is her own shame/guilt keeps her from talking to / acknowledging you because she would have to face her own feelings by doing so. That was the case with mine. When we first started up again, I asked her why it took so long for her to even speak to me. She told me it was because she was afraid that I would reject her even talking to me because of what she had done to me. Even now, she holds onto that fear. You and I have talked on other posts, so you know it's taken me almost a month to get her to meet me. Why was that? She was afraid that I was going to chew her up and spit her out. That's what she said to me. She feels so much guilt and shame for abandoning me that she is overwhelmed by it. Even this morning when she saw me, she awkwardly smiled and waved at me. I understand how much gumption that took for her to do. It's simply a wave right? To us, yes. To her it was a chance to be rejected. To her, rejection is death. It's that serious. I only know that because she has told me that before.
Will she ever come around to full lucidity and attempt to get back with me? I have no idea. Do I want that? At this point, I have to say "I don't know". I certainly know that I don't want to go through what I have went through again. It was either a) not as bad as 4 years ago - though it still was far from good or b) she was much better at hiding things from me. The problem with that is that I lean more toward b than a right now. She admitted to me that she had been in contact with M (though she never gave timeframe) and told me that she had been to their former house to talk to him. She went into great detail about their encounter and how he wanted her to come back, cancel the divorce proceedings, and try to work their marriage out. She even went into a story about how he had told her he wanted to just have dinner with her, to baby step their relationship back, how he made reservations and told her to meet him there and how she stood him up because she didn't want to be back with him.
I didn't mention this to her, but that means at some point she lied to me. How so, you may be asking? Well, I would purposely ask her what she had done (even if we hadn't talked in a couple of days) in our times of absence. Partially out of curiosity for what she had actually done (conversation) and partially because I wanted to judge her reaction to the question. Her reply was usually the same "nothing, stayed at home/grannys/uncles/etc" or she went shopping or such and such. You know what
wasn't mentioned at any point? Her going to see M. That, my friend, is a lie by omission no matter how it's sliced. If she lied to me about that, what else is she willing to lie about? I understand that it's tough to not take it all personally, they may be ill but they know right from wrong. She knew it was wrong to conceal the fact that she had been having those sort of conversations with M, all the while leaving me in limbo over our r/s. That's precisely why she omitted it from me. To her, it's not a lie if she didn't tell me about it. Just like it wasn't cheating if she didn't sleep with them.
In the end, I know that us getting the BPD woman out of our lives is a good thing. Seeing that doppelgänger every day doesn't help us one bit, though.
