She texted me once for $ and called me for an hour a week ago

[guy4caligirl]

I was 5 years R/S now 14 months since the B/U, I feel a whole lot better now that I don't hear from her or contact her but I do miss her sometimes , I started dating other women lately ,the red  flag went up twice I ran !

Right after the end of those mini relationships, and when I end up alone I tend to be wanting her back for anther try , even though I know she got engaged three months after her departure and live with this guy she's with ( ?) can't get a true word out of her .

As I am in NC for more than a 120 days she texted me once for $ and called me for an hour a week ago : Missed your voice , I think about often , send me a pic of our dog and the newly renovated kitchen  ,are you going to the next buying show in the first week of December (she helped in buying good at it ) .

I was indifferent and handled the conversation real well ,she avoided saying anything about her relationship or wanting to get back together and got curious when I said I am going out of town to visit a female friend of mine that got engaged lately .you never know her purpose of the call but I  Remained NC

Since that call I came back to this forum to help others and myself but not hurting at all .

I don't feel comfortable to tell her let's give it another try or ask her if she would like going to the buying show with me in early Dec very soon I know she will like that .

BUT  if she refuses , and rages again ,it will open some wounds also I don't need another rejection I had enough .but I think I  would heal faster this time Anyways and that will be my final try .

I feel that I should not contact her, but leave it as it is and continue dating , if she would contact me again let her do the first move , I have control now I don't want to show her that I still love her and care for another chance .

What do u think ?

[Skip]

If she would contact me again let her do the first move , I have control now I don't want to show her that I still love her and care for another chance . What do u think ?

I think you are on the right path.

You had a good exchange. Wait and see what she does next. It can take a fair amount of time for the dynamics to align where you might be able to advance this.

I think it would be real easy to read way to much in this and start pursuing her. That would be a bad move.

All her actions tell you is that she is at a point where she can be civil with you (anger is gone). It might be for a good reason, a bad one, or just an impulse. If you over pursue it with her or in your mind, you are working against yourself.

I'd look as it as a Valley and that you have gone all the way down the mountain and are now starting upward. How far upward will it go?  Depends on things in her life and her feeling for you, how the next call goes, sunspots. When do you act? When she has moved it significantly further up the mountain.

The good news is that this is no longer a "hate/anger" relationship and you are dating.

I'd stay the course on light dating.  It will do you the most good if you do reconnect or if you don't. Build yourself back up.

[guy4caligirl]

Like always Skip , well said thank you .

[livednlearned]

Hi guy4caligirl,

It could be there is a pattern in the dating that is meaningful. You date, get your hopes up, it doesn't work out, you feel lonely, maybe even depressed, and you miss your BPD ex.

Do you ever miss her when you are at the beginning of a date cycle?

[guy4caligirl]

Hi guy4caligirl,

It could be there is a pattern in the dating that is meaningful. You date, get your hopes up, it doesn't work out, you feel lonely, maybe even depressed, and you miss your BPD ex.

Do you ever miss her when you are at the beginning of a date cycle?

I would say in the middle of the dating cycle , especially if I find myself wanting to leave the date .

But i can say if i meet a lady that i am really attracted to but nothing more than just crossing path ,i become hopeful it will come in time , i don't think of her, does that make sense ?

[livednlearned]

Yes, it makes perfect sense.

Dating can push a lot of insecurities to the surface. The thrill that "this might be the one" temporarily takes our mind off any negative self-talk we have. "I'm going to be alone the rest of my life" can become "maybe I'm lovable after all." Or "maybe I'm going to be in a loving relationship for once."

If the date doesn't work out, we're back to that negative voice in our head, and that can hurt. It's pretty common to think about the relationships that made us feel good, and to yearn for them, when we feel down about our prospects.

You are seeing potential warning signs in some of the women you're dating, and that's a sign you know you deserve and want something healthier. That's the best trajectory to be on, to keep finding your way, even when it seems uncertain and there is no one there to confirm for you that you deserve to be in a loving relationship. You have to provide that confirmation to yourself 

[guy4caligirl]

Yes, it makes perfect sense.

Dating can push a lot of insecurities to the surface. The thrill that "this might be the one" temporarily takes our mind off any negative self-talk we have. "I'm going to be alone the rest of my life" can become "maybe I'm lovable after all." Or "maybe I'm going to be in a loving relationship for once."

If the date doesn't work out, we're back to that negative voice in our head, and that can hurt. It's pretty common to think about the relationships that made us feel good, and to yearn for them, when we feel down about our prospects.

You are seeing potential warning signs in some of the women you're dating, and that's a sign you know you deserve and want something healthier. That's the best trajectory to be on, to keep finding your way, even when it seems uncertain and there is no one there to confirm for you that you deserve to be in a loving relationship. You have to provide that confirmation to yourself 

Thank you , a lot of work and time 14 months ,went into this process of letting go , nothing comes easy it's life .

Guy4 me

[guy4caligirl]

 a few minutes ago she texted and said this , amazing how they think .

no hi no nothing she goes :

As soon as I'm able to save money to get Botox again ( she use to blame for her getting wrinkles But I am out 14 months really ?)

I'm going back to the doctor in your "town " He's a genius ,and he gave me a great deal b.c i gave him cash .(Yeah my cash  )

A few seconds latter she goes I don't even know why I'm telling you   


I  have not initiated any contact with her in 120 days and still counting , this was her third try in three weeks .

What is going on she told me 4 months ago consider me dead and I did .

Your comments will be appreciated  , that call for  SOS  includes SKIP also if available thank you

[Skip]

As soon as I'm able to save money to get Botox again ( she use to blame for her getting wrinkles But I am out 14 months really ?)

I'm going back to the doctor in your "town " He's a genius ,and he gave me a great deal b.c i gave him cash .(Yeah my cash  )

She is opening safe dialog with you... .staying away from anything heavy.

I don't even know why I'm telling you   

She is feeling rejected and pulling back. She wants you to says "I'm interested in having light dialog with you".


guy4caligirl, she is opening a door of some type.  If you can let her lead and not over-respond, it will be best.  Most likely, if you over respond, it will end.

She needs someone to talk too for some reason.  There are lots of possible reasons - some good, some bad.

[guy4caligirl]

Thanks again for your wisdom Skip .

Give me a small and sufficient response to let her know that I would like to listen to her, I will practice the communication skills that I have learned on this noble site !

?Also I have another thread on L2 communicating with my fellow members and their feedback

Can you comment on that also ?

Thanks in advance .

Guy

[Skip]

Acknowledge that the Dr. does really good work - and giving a discount is great.

[guy4caligirl]

Acknowledge that the Dr. does really good work - and giving a discount is great.

I just did text her : I agree that the doctor does good work , you can't beat the deal he gave you .

Hahaha as I was writing she text and said it's my face would never take any chances

It worked  

[guy4caligirl]

Acknowledge that the Dr. does really good work - and giving a discount is great.

I gave deal of thinking of this newly developed sudden contact after 120 days NC on my part , knowing her very well, I feel that she's reaching out  for my help ,

I know money isn't the issue here , she might be realizing the lost of security she had with me a year and four months latter , as her fiancée has a regular job , and she's  is not capable of finding a job due to her illness , the best job that she loved  ever , and had was helping me when able  in my business, something she excel in and have experience with and enjoy ...

she knows well that there is a buying show coming up this Sunday , I felt her interest in attending ,that was  prior to our phone conversation where she text wanting to save some money to travel lots of miles to see a doctor in my town .


Honestly I was on my path of letting go and still am ,tossing this idea in my head doesn't hurt and consume me like in the past , therefore my question is :

How should I pop up the question to her by asking her if she would like to make some money she's welcome to come to the show with me and perhaps see her doctor she will have that money ?

I believe It's a good reason  but sadly it's just a week or two after she opened up some if not I won't be asking her anything that personal and keep going like I was and  see if she will initiate a meeting by herself .

Your comments are much appreciated !

Thank you all .

Guy

Do you think the timing is right and how should I break the invite to her ?

[sadmike1]

Acknowledge that the Dr. does really good work - and giving a discount is great.

I gave deal of thinking of this newly developed sudden contact after 120 days NC on my part , knowing her very well, I feel that she's reaching out  for my help ,

I know money isn't the issue here , she might be realizing the lost of security she had with me a year and four months latter , as her fiancée has a regular job , and she's  is not capable of finding a job due to her illness , the best job that she loved  ever , and had was helping me when able  in my business, something she excel in and have experience with and enjoy ...

she knows well that there is a buying show coming up this Sunday , I felt her interest in attending ,that was  prior to our phone conversation where she text wanting to save some money to travel lots of miles to see a doctor in my town .


Honestly I was on my path of letting go and still am ,tossing this idea in my head doesn't hurt and consume me like in the past , therefore my question is :

How should I pop up the question to her by asking her if she would like to make some money she's welcome to come to the show with me and perhaps see her doctor she will have that money ?

I believe It's a good reason  but sadly it's just a week or two after she opened up some if not I won't be asking her anything that personal and keep going like I was and  see if she will initiate a meeting by herself .

Your comments are much appreciated !

Thank you all .

Guy

Do you think the timing is right and how should I break the invite to her ?

I wouldn't appear too eager right now. I've read how they like control,  once they see they have it, boredom ensues and distancing occurs. Don't engulf her, slowly but surely ramp up interest. Keep validation going

[Skip]

I think Sadmike' makes a good point.

Put this image in your mind. A puppy dog is thrown into a garage and forgotten about for 3 days. The owner opens the door and the puppy is jumping with joy and love?

You are about to validate her negative behavior and your low worth in one offer.

If you don't think you have value - no one else will.

Lay back. Be upbeat and happy and unaffected. Let her come to you. You've got it together.  

And don't get down if she doesn't come at you. She may instinctively do just that to see if you will scamper after her.

Remember, you don't know what is behind this. Could be she and her guy are having a fight or he is on a long trip. Could be that she is seeking some validation because she is not feeling good about herself. It could be that she misses "some things" about you.

Most importantly, its likely to be something small rather than "WOW, her was the perfect guy for me, I need him back". Why do I say this?  Because its really important to understand that if anything is to come of this, it will be built step by step.

Be strong. Be confident. Plant positive vibes. Don't over-pursue.

[livednlearned]

she might be realizing the lost of security she had with me a year and four months latter , as her fiancée has a regular job , and she's  is not capable of finding a job due to her illness , the best job that she loved  ever , and had was helping me when able  in my business, something she excel in and have experience with and enjoy ...

she knows well that there is a buying show coming up this Sunday , I felt her interest in attending

Can you identify what it is here that you're going for? To have her back in your life? To lure her away from her fiance?

You've done a lot of hard work to not feel consumed. Is that starting to change as you go down this path, there is second-guessing going on that seems anxious (understandable when we feel uncertain).

What do you think about Skip's suggestion to let her do the work?

[guy4caligirl]

she might be realizing the lost of security she had with me a year and four months latter , as her fiancée has a regular job , and she's  is not capable of finding a job due to her illness , the best job that she loved  ever , and had was helping me when able  in my business, something she excel in and have experience with and enjoy ...

she knows well that there is a buying show coming up this Sunday , I felt her interest in attending

Can you identify what it is here that you're going for? To have her back in your life? To lure her away from her fiance?

You've done a lot of hard work to not feel consumed. Is that starting to change as you go down this path, there is second-guessing going on that seems anxious (understandable when we feel uncertain).

I find the Verb LURE is misused in this case , luring is used for fishing ,we're talking about a human been here Liveandlearn , no one can lure anyone . Especially a BPD , I am just at a point to just sail away and don't look back ,she did contacted me , I didn't and I won't , 125 days NC. just making sure I don't leave no try behind ,what meant to be will be ... .

She has to initiate this  time not me And I agree with Skip yes .

BTW Do BPD's  recycle  after been engaged in a moth of a break up ?

[guy4caligirl]

I have an update folks, again and again I learned more and more not to respond ,and remain NC of course I still am .Her needs come first always .

There is pressure on her from her fiancée's father who now own the apartment condo and all of the sudden he wants his son to pay rent and his fiancée my ex BPD to find a job and start paying rent also whish's sorry to say she's not able I know her well . A dead line passed in the middle of November and guess what she contacted me after 115 days of NC that day Veteran's day... .whatta coincidence !

Looks to me that sudden contact and an hour phone call "missed your voice "  was caused by her fear of maybe getting thrown out .

her guy 31 is 10 years younger than her 41  , and the mask has fallen not only in front of the fiancée but his family and friends also , so the  , she couldn't find a job being living for free since the B/U 14 months ago , I think the mask had come down and now they all know her  real self perhaps.

She wanted to test the water with me but thanks to my experience I learned on here and listening to several points of views I was and still careful in answering short text of moderate validation .  

In NC i remain and no texting back.

Guy

Live and learn ... .

[Skip]

contact and an hour phone call "missed your voice "  was caused by her fear of maybe getting thrown out... .

She wanted to test the water with me... .

I can tell you're disappointed. It's good that you played it carefully... .

Can you explain literally what happened and what she asked for or said?  Was she reaching out for emotional support in a time of stress? Was she looking to work market with you to earn her rent money?

How did you leave it with her?

[guy4caligirl]

First of all Skip .

1-BPD was all over the place on texting from one thought to another in a few seconds .up and down ! nothing said that was worth mentioning other than the rent issue that I don't think she meant to tell me about it . A little girl in action like a butterfly .

also a job that she has been saying about working there and the reason she called me to give her good reference ,no one ever called me in 14 months asking about her .

She mentioned that she thought about me when she thought to get her mood stabilizer I made sure she had all her med before I buy food yes !

THE needs  her needs of course . I offered her to go to the buying show and make good money never responded and continued dazing !

2- skip how can you tell I was disappointed and why   ?

3- I have a thought that she burned her welcome but they can't straight tell her to leave afraid of a rage and faulty accusations , so they created that rent story , why now ? Umm the son is engaged to her and now the pressure to find a job for the future daughter in law ) I see disappointment in the future D in law here , I don't think this is happening soon) Not my business .

4-  Basically she was venting but in a Tornado kind of venting  

The same old her poor thing !

Btw she will be an excellent BPD to be on this site and help out with any question but Nah I am not giving her any idea also you all don't mention the site  ... .

PS; I could have easily triggered her by telling her that the rent creation thing Perhaps is deliberately thought but who knows and why  But for what I know what she would say , so no triggering I had done enough of that in the past no more it did not nothing  to improve the situation .

[Skip]

Guy',

It would help you and anyone posting to you if you could take the emotional and editorializing out and just describe what happened, in a clinical way.

Last we heard,  3 days ago she mentioned coming to your town to get botox.  You responded with a simple validation regarding the physician and the discount she was getting.

You then entertained possibly inviting her to work at the market with you in two, but decided it was too much too soon. You were going to let her reach out to you.

Your description since then is more about how you feel about what happened, rather than describing what happened.

What happened next - descriptive only (?

It's really important that we talk to ourselves clearly.

Skip

[guy4caligirl]

She did mention coming to the doctor but it's  just talk nothing serious I am positive about that . I responded just like you motioned and validated her that the doctor was great and gave her a good deal .It ended there .

Today she texted wanting to know the show dates.

I text  back and told her I will pay you that much so you can make some rent money and I would take care of all her expenses to the show and back, and suggested she can come back to my town and see that doctor and then fly back to her state. I felt that was important for her to know she is going back home. Guess what no yes or no response.

Instead she went talking about Silly stuff from the past nothing important.th

Then she changed the subject and mentioned what was on her mind at that moment, the rent thing and texted :"WOW right now I am stressing about finding a job  cause I have to pay rent my fiancée's dad gave me an ultimatum by Nov 15 " .

Then few minutes latter she text  I want Botox !

Go figure  (she had not had a job since left here 14 months ago ).

She vanished and no answer about the market . I am NC!

[Skip]

I am NC!

Let's deal with this at a little higher level.  

I text  back and told her I will pay you that much so you can make some rent money and I would take care of all her expenses to the show and back, and suggested she can come back to my town and see that doctor and then fly back to her state. I felt that was important for her to know she is going back home. Guess what no yes or no response.

You knew this would be too much, too soon. You "way" and "way" over pursued her here. And to expect an answer right away is over-the-top.  Not beating you up Guy, but you can't make have unrealistic expectations and get pissed when it doesn't play out.

There are a number of issues for her (and you) to consider, like her engagement, live-in boyfriend, etc. For her to make commitment t take this job, she has to either get her fiancee's approval, break it off, or decide to sneak behind his back. And these should be significant concerns for you.

• It's possible that this is just about going to an old employer and doing the market so that she has money.  There is nothing wrong with this. But, if she is playing straight, she has to sort that with her boyfriend.

• It's possible that this her other relationship is showing the first sign sof hitting the rocks and she is reaching out.  In this case, it might take weeks or months to actually end.  And then there is your concern of not wanting to be a simple rebound.

• It's possible she is torn between the above and doesn't know yet where she is with all of this.  pwBPD are impulsive so this could just be the first test probe.

• It's possible she just wanted some validation

Guy, if you want to get back with her under healthy circumstances, you can't set up unhealthy or unrealistic expectations and then over-react to it not playing out as expected. It will take time, and maturity, and not stepping in the poo.  

[guy4caligirl]

After so many time spent on this site and life itself I came to this conclusion 14 months after the B/U

Don't think you know it all , I am still learning , when an ex BPD contacts you during your NC , try not to read anything in it , but expect nothing cause all you're getting is nothing but to pull you back , keep u hanging .

My last experience with one sided recycling failed , IT's OK it did , it effected me about 5 % why that much,  because I put in it 5 % of effort .

The only thing you can do is Ignore ,Ignore ,Ignore her when she reaches out  while  you're on your path and doing your thing NC

In my opinion if she wants you back she should do the chasing not you , and show up on your door step if you are healed and don't long for her and have someone else in your life just ask her to go back where she came from it's worth the trouble .

Is there anyone else that feels the same ?

Guy.

[guy4caligirl]

I am NC!

Let's deal with this at a little higher level.  

I text  back and told her I will pay you that much so you can make some rent money and I would take care of all her expenses to the show and back, and suggested she can come back to my town and see that doctor and then fly back to her state. I felt that was important for her to know she is going back home. Guess what no yes or no response.

You knew this would be too much, too soon. You "way" and "way" over pursued her here. And to expect an answer right away is over-the-top.  Not beating you up Guy, but you can't make have unrealistic expectations and get pissed when it doesn't play out.

There are a number of issues for her (and you) to consider, like her engagement, live-in boyfriend, etc. For her to make commitment t take this job, she has to either get her fiancee's approval, break it off, or decide to sneak behind his back. And these should be significant concerns for you.

• It's possible that this is just about going to an old employer and doing the market so that she has money.  There is nothing wrong with this. But, if she is playing straight, she has to sort that with her boyfriend.

• It's possible that this her other relationship is showing the first sign sof hitting the rocks and she is reaching out.  In this case, it might take weeks or months to actually end.  And then there is your concern of not wanting to be a simple rebound.

• It's possible she is torn between the above and doesn't know yet where she is with all of this.  pwBPD are impulsive so this could just be the first test probe.

• It's possible she just wanted some validation

Guy, if you want to get back with her under healthy circumstances, you can't set up unhealthy or unrealistic expectations and then over-react to it not playing out as expected. It will take time, and maturity, and not stepping in the poo.  

Skip , I'm  not pissed off I am not even disappointed I did not push her way way way at all ,,,a week earlier she asked me  about my annual going to the market with me  , but in consideration for her actual living situation I did not respond ,,,she even asked me earlier this past July , can I come for a month and work for some money ,I replied how about your fiancé she goes I don't care and he won't either  my answer was I care so NO

. I really don't hold any grudges to that man in her life , he is a man and she showed up ,he was available and she jumped on the situation to live in with him , I came to a peace with myself a while ago but  forgive if I say and I hope not ,he might be joining us soon (Bad one oops  )

[guy4caligirl]

 update She just called me I did not answer .

[Skip]

Does this sum up as: She contacted you in July, November, and December with interests in working with you at market as she had done in previous years. In July, you said no, in November you didn't answer, in December she asked/you offered.  She didn't respond immediately, you are going no contact.

What was your assumption in December that made you change your mind and offer her work? And then what was it that flipped this to "I need to go no contact"?

I'm not suggesting you should or should not employ her or take her calls - that is another issue - I am questioning if you are self-sabotaging? We can get caught up in these things and do that.

You knew there was a possibility that she was still engaged to be married and still living with her boyfriend and that her calls could have been any number of things (legitimate) other than "I dropped my fiancee, I'm left him, I want to get back". For example, she might have wanted to mend the damage between you. She may have wanted advice/help (e.g. a job reference)? Or in this case, she may have been following up on her previous call regarding a job assignment. There were also possible illegitimate things she may have wanted - to have an affair, borrow cash, play with you.

The benefit of not over-pursuing and letting it play out is to know what you are really dealing with.

Can you say what changed from you being happy and talking on the phone for an hour and then texting and offering her to work with you on assignment to "don't expect nothing cause all you're getting is nothing but to pull you back , keep u hanging." 

Did she "play" of did you jump ahead of yourself? Did she do you wrong?

[guy4caligirl]

I think I fell one more time to misinterpret her reason to get in touch with me . I am only human with lots of compassion .

I feel the honey moon period is over , something isn't right but who am I to know what's really going on , and to say the least I am waiting for her falling down No , change of emotional feelings,  YES  I don't wish any  harm to no one .

I don't stalk her anywhere on social media or elsewhere .

There is no arguments or bitterness between us I practiced the no triggering her thing , I had many occasions to do so in last few conversations , but I kept my coolness and calm , there is no change in the dialog it's still civil, she texted me back last night saying just have a few questions .I'll be in touch in the morning , she has no idea what I'm feeling and wanting  , she even called me last night and didn't answer .

I am exercising the let her initiate  contact no meant to say I am NC .no

Looks to me and I go with it's takes two to recycle , at this time there is only one me ,till then I let nature takes its course  ,no pressure at all from my side , I build back myself respect and not wiling to loose that for her or anyone else .

Does that sound good to you ?

I already know your answer Skip 

[Skip]

It's honest. That's hard. Good for you, Guy.

So now that you are back on terra firma, with a bit of a misadventure behind you, what is next?  Are you going to hire her and how can you do it and follow through in a healthy and constructive manner.

She is in a rebound relationship with this other guy. It may very well fail, as you expect. It might not.

And as you say, you don't want to do something unhealthy, like lure her into an affair, that is an unhealthy thing that has a high likelihood of failure. It seems more like you have to set up a constructive "non-relationship" with her for now.

What is a smart, safe constructive role for you to have with her?

[guy4caligirl]

I like the term terra firma nicely put "Terre solide " in French  ,Solid ground !

It really sucks being in this position , the not know , but if I got here so far I can also get there soon !

I do not believe in a friendship after a romantic relationship , not a good move .

I am thinking about when she calls today to say it was my mistake to offer her the job and I think we should call it off it's not healthy .

I am not going to say don't text me or don't call me anymore that's not what I want so I won't do it ,true  to myself also to her .

I am going to let the fate takes it's toll .

It's hard but , you can't make a blind horse see right ?

Luring is tricking I don't trick .I tried it before but not good at it .

There is no need for me to tell her that I am here if she needs me , this sound like use me if you need it

I am continuing my recovery and let things fall in place in due time ,Skip .