What would you have change in your r/s had you known about BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

I think many or I would say most of us regret and would like to go back and give it  a try especially after investing a lot of time reading and learning  about a BPD behaviors .

My ex use to say "I wish I can live a normal day ".

Sometimes just walking into the bedroom and seeing her occupied in detangling a necklace , or rearranging her drawers folding cloths put them back ,smell her cloth for a few seconds and daydream , the little girl inside her was suffering , my empathy at that moment shot through the roof , she did not know what I felt at that moment .

I should have hugged her deeply and assured her that everything is going to be okay , that probably would have meant much more than an expensive gift .

the point I'm getting across is we had something good and at the same time not too good like many relationships we knew something isn't right we constantly  tried to fix it,  "Just love me don't try to fix me " as Cosmo wrote.  

We  lost the patience to deal with it at the time , but knowing what I know now , I would have done things differently .

Ask yourself what would you have done differently after you lost your EX ?

The word replacement is a harsh word to use in my opinion , they left because they have no more feeling for us ,they look or stumble on something different which is  the only way they know how , forgiveness is the key and self criticism is very healthy at this time for us" none " even this word is poorly chosen to describe us  "none", we all have some disfuncthunality don't you  think ! ?

[guy4caligirl]

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

I think many or I would say most of us regret and would like to go back and give it  a try especially after investing a lot of time reading and learning  about a BPD behaviors .

My ex use to say "I wish I can live a normal day ".

Sometimes just walking into the bedroom and seeing her occupied in detangling a necklace , or rearranging her drawers folding cloths put them back ,smell her cloth for a few seconds and daydream , the little girl inside her was suffering , my empathy at that moment shot through the roof , she did not know what I felt at that moment .

I should have hugged her deeply and assured her that everything is going to be okay , that probably would have meant much more than an expensive gift .

the point I'm getting across is we had something good and at the same time not too good like many relationships we knew something isn't right we constantly  tried to fix it,  "Just love me don't try to fix me " as Cosmo wrote.  

We  lost the patience to deal with it at the time , but knowing what I know now , I would have done things differently .

Ask yourself what would you have done differently after you lost your EX ?

The word replacement is a harsh word to use in my opinion , they left because they have no more feeling for us ,they look or stumble on something different which is  the only way they know how , forgiveness is the key and self criticism is very healthy at this time for us" none " even this word is poorly chosen to describe us  "none", we all have some disfuncthunality don't you  think ! ?

[Confused?]

I knew a lot about BPD while in my relationship and it didn't help. Arguments turned into me trying to validate her feelings and also left us to drift further apart. It was the hardest over ever tried at something in my life. I have a letter saved from my ex that I read a few weeks ago. It was basically how she felt everyday. It even seemed hard for her to put into words how she feels on a daily basis. She did mention pushing people away in it which I didn't understand at the time. I do now tho obviously. But like I said, I tried everything in my power to show her how much I loved her and would never leave her side. Unfortunately she didn't feel the same way.

Understanding BPD isn't just about understanding what they go through. It's also understanding the projection devaluing manipulating and lies too. While they can be sweet an innocent they can also be the devil. So unless you want your relationship to be another full time job of caring for someone, there is really nothing you could do differently. While you could have hugged her an told her everything will be alright (like I did plenty of times) it's to no avail. They are impulsive and live in the moment with black and white thinking. You could have told you that you loved her every hour of every day, who knows what she would think when you fell asleep or didn't answer your phone when she called. Understanding BPD may diffuse some aspects of a relationship that are going sour but you as an individual still cannot help her or her desicions.

[guy4caligirl]

Do you mind sharing the most important thoughts that they deal with , I do understand if you don't it's just personal but it might help others or shed a light of what they go through on a daily basis . It's a viscous Illness . 

[Confused?]

She really didn't know who she was. She said that she pushes people away because she either is afraid of being hurt or hurting others. She said she was lonely. Felt like no one understands her. She said she fears a lot she's afraid, angry hopeless in pain empty alone ashamed guilty and worthless. Her moods go up and down several times a day where all the emotions hit her at once. She is paranoid, abandonment fears, relationship instability, and impulsive behaviors. No sense of self panick attacks and black and white thinking. She also says she loves something or someone one minute and the next she hates it. She runs away to protect herself and when she does she acts on impulse and can't stop herself. She also talks about self harm but I don't want to talk about that. She says she wears a mask around people and it only comes off when she is alone. She feels worthless and has no self.

That pretty much sums it up. There are some more detailed explainations in the letter that I won't get into. It's very nice reading a letter like this to understand what she goes through. But it was her choice to not be open with me all the time.

[C.Stein]

She really didn't know who she was. She said that she pushes people away because she either is afraid of being hurt or hurting others. She said she was lonely. Felt like no one understands her. She said she fears a lot she's afraid, angry hopeless in pain empty alone ashamed guilty and worthless.

I believe my ex is very much the same.  On several different occasions she said you just don't understand me.  She also engaged in a lot of self-deprecation and has said many times she doesn't know who she is.  She needs a fixed point in her life to give it purpose.  Without that fixed point she feels her life is meaningless, without direction and not worth living.  I was once that fixed point, the thought of the fairy tale family she could have with me.  As soon as her mind thought that fixed point was gone I ceased to have any value to her.  It really shakes a person to their core when the person you have given so much love to treats you like that.

[AwakenedOne]

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

Hi guy4caligirl,

Why do you think that it bothers you so much when you read a story where the NON has painted the ex black? Your ex isn't them right? You only know if your ex is white, grey, purple, pink or black. Everybody here has gone through different experiences, are different people and been out of the relationships varying amounts of time. Some might have suffered more abuse than you have for example. Maybe the member has been given a STD, been brutalized, robbed, abandoned or some equally horrible abusive treatment. I think there can be a bit of unhealthiness in painting our ex's white also and blaming ourselves for not giving out more hugs. I wish you could of seen all the hugs I gave out my friend. Hugs do not fix BPD. I did almost everything imaginable to save the marriage.

[guy4caligirl]

She really didn't know who she was. She said that she pushes people away because she either is afraid of being hurt or hurting others. She said she was lonely. Felt like no one understands her. She said she fears a lot she's afraid, angry hopeless in pain empty alone ashamed guilty and worthless. Her moods go up and down several times a day where all the emotions hit her at once. She is paranoid, abandonment fears, relationship instability, and impulsive behaviors. No sense of self panick attacks and black and white thinking. She also says she loves something or someone one minute and the next she hates it. She runs away to protect herself and when she does she acts on impulse and can't stop herself. She also talks about self harm but I don't want to talk about that. She says she wears a mask around people and it only comes off when she is alone. She feels worthless and has no self.

That pretty much sums it up. There are some more detailed explainations in the letter that I won't get into. It's very nice reading a letter like this to understand what she goes through. But it was her choice to not be open with me all the time.

Thank you Confused for sharing this


They just can't help it ,,,The Bottom line .

Either you love them the way they are or you don't  Period.

I Remember what my savior said  on the cross: Forgive them father because they don't know what they are doing .

It's extremely sad .

I am starting to realize after a five years R/S and 14 months since the B/U to look at my last five years with my Ex and say yes there was lots of good and bad time  , I guess that's what she had to offer and did the best she can.

I am not angry anymore , I am just going through this painful process .

Don't you think enduring her permanent pain is much greater than ours ?

[C.Stein]

Don't you think enduring her permanent pain is much greater than ours ?

Your pain will fade and eventually go away, or at least be a distant memory.  A pwBPD has to live with their pain every day for the rest of their lives.  There really is no fair comparison here.

[hopealways]

Had I known about BPD I would have stopped the R/S because I would have known that she could never truly love in a normal harmonious adult way.

[Confused?]

Had I known about BPD I would have stopped the R/S because I would have known that she could never truly love in a normal harmonious adult way.

But that is like saying you don't love your own children because of this same reason?

[enlighten me]

The duration 

Then my phine number, facebook and locks 

[guy4caligirl]

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

Hi guy4caligirl,

Why do you think that it bothers you so much when you read a story where the NON has painted the ex black? Your ex isn't them right? You only know if your ex is white, grey, purple, pink or black. Everybody here has gone through different experiences, are different people and been out of the relationships varying amounts of time. Some might have suffered more abuse than you have for example. Maybe the member has been given a STD, been brutalized, robbed, abandoned or some equally horrible abusive treatment. I think there can be a bit of unhealthiness in painting our ex's white also and blaming ourselves for not giving out more hugs. I wish you could of seen all the hugs I gave out my friend. Hugs do not fix BPD. I did almost everything imaginable to save the marriage.

Awakened


When I write I do think of other's cases and feel with everyone of us hurting . no offence to no one ,we are all in together .

If one member gets to benefit from what I just wrote I am happy for him or her .

Let me ask you this and everyone else also ?


Does it make any difference if she paints me red or I paint pink the answer is NO It doesn't , would that erase all that painful memory and the heart brake also NO .

Forgiveness is the key here but it takes time to reach that point  , it took me almost a year and a half to get to this point I can understand other member had worth more pain than I did especially the ones that got cheated on and got STD out of it or had children .

Every case is different that's why the forum is a valuable resource for all IMO .

I just want to add , I was robbed she stole from me ,she hit  me with a vase on the head ,her pointy boot heel in my ribs ,

a bloody lip . I had my share my friend I am not going to add more of the damage material things also .

It Does Not Do Me  Any Good  .

[Mutt]

Hi guy,

I think that one of the most valuable life lesson that I was taught here is that I'm not in this life to live up to anyone else's expectations and no one else is here to live up to mine.

[AwakenedOne]

Awakened


When I write I do think of other's cases and feel with everyone of us hurting . no offence to no one ,we are all in together .

If one member gets to benefit from what I just wrote I am happy for him or her .

Let me ask you this and everyone else also ?


Does it make any difference if she paints me red or I paint pink the answer is NO It doesn't , would that erase all that painful memory and the heart brake also NO .

Forgiveness is the key here but it takes time to reach that point  , it took me almost a year and a half to get to this point I can understand other member had worth more pain than I did especially the ones that got cheated on and got STD out of it or had children .

Every case is different that's why the forum is a valuable resource for all IMO .

It took me a year to forgive also. That is a huge and very helpful thing. Having compassion for them is admirable and I think takes most people time to do that. I see members here beat themselves up over something that they did that is really not that bad such as loving too much, getting aggravated after being provoked or some similar type of human mistakes.

To answer your question of what would I have done differently?

Not marry her. Recognize everything clearer and walk away in a respectful "wish you well" type of way. Or at the very least would of not stayed in the marriage while this person was physically injuring me and endangering my life constantly while I was trying to honor marriage vows.

My advice to all is do not get married until you really, really, really, really, really know someone.

P.S. Really

Did I mention really know them first? Oh yeah I did... .ok, cool.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi guy,

I think that one of the most valuable life lesson that I was taught here is that I'm not in this life to live up to anyone else's expectations and no one else is here to live up to mine.

Mutt .

I totally agree , I don't take anything personal from this forum ,I gather and save to my draft what applies to my case  so I can read it and read it again , although i respect others for their opinions .

  I came a long way from last thanksgiving you know that,  so if I can make a difference in one member's life I am stocked !

[SandWitch]

Had I known about BPD I would have stopped the R/S because I would have known that she could never truly love in a normal harmonious adult way.

But that is like saying you don't love your own children because of this same reason?

To me an adult relationship is different from parent/child.  To place a mate on that level might be close to thinking that they are dependent as a child is which places the other person in a position of superiority?  Mine hated that he could not handle "real life issues" and resented his dependence on others.  That included me. 

I would not have put so much into the R/S.  I would have kept more for me and seen to my own safety and security.  Instead my efforts went into "us" but for him "us" was an extension of his latest impulsive need.   

[cosmonaut]

I think there is a lot of wisdom in your post, cali.  Ultimately in our healing we get to a where this isn't about our ex anymore - it's about us.  There are certainly things we all could have done better in the relationship.  Learning from these is very important.  Changing them is hard work.  But that's how we can go on to better and happier relationships.

There are so many things that I wish I could do differently.  And if I could, I would love to try again with my ex.  I am somewhat different than some members in that regard.  There was no abuse, no cheating,  and the only major lies were the times she was hiding her addiction problems - using pills and alcohol again.  Some other members are also in my position, however.  There is no right or wrong answer.  One of the things I try to stress here is that every relationship is unique.  In a way, we all tend to project our own relationship onto other relationships involving BPD.  I do too.  Some of that is inevitable since that is the only real context we have with the disorder.

To answer your question, cali, here are the things I wish I could do differently.  I wish I had listened more.  I can see now how much my ex tried to tell me about her disorder even though neither of us knew about BPD.  She told me very early in the relationship that she sometimes needed alone time, and that this had caused problems in relationships - even with friends - in the past.  It was something she seemed very self conscious about.  Even knowing this, I became frustrated and anxious about her silent treatments even though she had been completely up front with me about how she needed this.  I chose to be with her knowing this, and it was deeply unfair of me to then hold this against her.

I wish I hadn't tried to fix her.  This was definitely the most destructive thing I was doing, and ironically it was what I thought at the time was one of the most loving.  My ex does need help.  She has some very serious issues.  But I can't fix them for her, and it was wrong of me to try.  Rather than being loving, in reality I was being controlling and I was profoundly shaming her.  I was telling her she was defective.  I was telling her that I was superior to her.  That's not love.  I pressed the issue because I wanted more.  I was the one demanding that she ease my anxiety and conform to my needs.  What she truly needed was support and nurturing.  She needed me to support her in fixing herself.  She tried so many times to tell me this.  She pleaded with me to stop trying to fix her.  Using those exact words: "stop trying to fix me".  I just didn't listen.  And the more I did it, the more I was hurting her.  I was an act of love on her part that she tolerated it for as long as she did.  That she tried so hard to get me to understand.  I wish so much I could go back and change that.

I wish I had told her more that I love her.  Now that she is gone it is the one thing I would tell her if I could:  I love you.  If I was to die tomorrow, she would be the first person I would want to tell that I love them.  She is the most special person I have ever had in my life.  I've never been closer to anyone.

I wish I had cherished our time together more.  I had no idea how short it would be.  I wish I had focused more on what I had than what I didn't have.  I don't know how I manage to do that.  How I can have everything I ever wanted and still want more.

I wish I had accepted more and judged less.  Love is accepting.  Love is cherishing your partner as they are.  No relationship can work if this can't happen.  I wish I had understood this.

In the end I believe I was the one who caused more harm to the relationship.  I wish I could have seen this.  I made some serious mistakes, but they were honestly made.  I didn't hold anything back from her.  I gave all I had to give.  I was just doing some very destructive things, and I didn't even know it.  It wasn't what she needed.  That has been the hardest realization of all.

[Gonzalo]

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

Judging someone for their actions is a very, very different thing than painting someone black. My ex- did a lot of awful things that I should not have tolerated, it's not painting her black to acknowledge what she actually did. She is not someone I should be in a relationship with, and I will never again let someone treat me like she treated me. And mine was very light compared to some people here, I didn't end up arrested or out thousands of dollars or losing kids.

I think many or I would say most of us regret and would like to go back and give it  a try especially after investing a lot of time reading and learning  about a BPD behaviors .

I think this attitude is toxic, and is why so many people manage to keep recycling and fail to get over the relationship; they refuse to look at it honestly, and instead hang on to an idealized set of 'if only... .' hopes. The fact is, when I read the stories of most people here, they should be done with their ex- and not pining away or wistfully regretting being 'replaced'. You have to acknowledge how bad things were, realize that no, you can't magically fix someone who's going to fly into a rage over getting the wrong water at he store, and move on with your life.

If I had known what I was getting into at the start, then I would have aggressively set and enforced boundaries, which would have required me to end the relationship sooner than I did in reality. Definitely would have been over the first time she said she was breaking up with me. There is absolutely no way I could 'win', I would either have to destroy myself or break up with her. At the end, when I did learn more about the condition, I told her what I had learned, and offered to stay if she could acknowledge it and get help. She couldn't, and if she can't even acknowledge her condition, she can't learn how to manage it.

[guy4caligirl]

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

Judging someone for their actions is a very, very different thing than painting someone black. My ex- did a lot of awful things that I should not have tolerated, it's not painting her black to acknowledge what she actually did. She is not someone I should be in a relationship with, and I will never again let someone treat me like she treated me. And mine was very light compared to some people here, I didn't end up arrested or out thousands of dollars or losing kids.

I think many or I would say most of us regret and would like to go back and give it  a try especially after investing a lot of time reading and learning  about a BPD behaviors .

I think this attitude is toxic, and is why so many people manage to keep recycling and fail to get over the relationship; they refuse to look at it honestly, and instead hang on to an idealized set of 'if only... .' hopes. The fact is, when I read the stories of most people here, they should be done with their ex- and not pining away or wistfully regretting being 'replaced'. You have to acknowledge how bad things were, realize that no, you can't magically fix someone who's going to fly into a rage over getting the wrong water at he store, and move on with your life.

If I had known what I was getting into at the start, then I would have aggressively set and enforced boundaries, which would have required me to end the relationship sooner than I did in reality. Definitely would have been over the first time she said she was breaking up with me. There is absolutely no way I could 'win', I would either have to destroy myself or break up with her. At the end, when I did learn more about the condition, I told her what I had learned, and offered to stay if she could acknowledge it and get help. She couldn't, and if she can't even acknowledge her condition, she can't learn how to manage it.

Gonzalo

well said

[Schermarhorn]

I should've walked away after her first outburst a week in.

[cosmonaut]

Judging someone for their actions is a very, very different thing than painting someone black. My ex- did a lot of awful things that I should not have tolerated, it's not painting her black to acknowledge what she actually did.

No, but simultaneous failure to acknowledge her positive qualities is.  After all, there was some reason you became involved with her to begin with.  There must have been something good.  The goal is to realize that there is a shade of gray here.

[toddinrochester]

It wouldn't have ever happened. There is nothing worth the garbage that follows this person. It just isn't worth it.

[Aussie0zborn]

Re: What would you have change in your r/s had you known about BPD?   


My address.

[toddinrochester]

Literal LOL Aussie.

[Michelle27]

In one sense, I wouldn't change a thing because of the self growth I've experienced AS A RESULT OF this relationship.  I don't believe I would have gotten here without having been forced to look at myself as deeply as I did.  My marriage to my uBPDex was my 2nd abusive marriage.  Although, the first one wasn't mental illness related, "just" control and physical abuse.  I had to look at myself closely or I would never change the pattern I had of not believing I was worth being treated like a cherished partner.  Beginning to look at myself years before ending the marriage also allowed me to begin taking care of myself for the first time in my adult life and in the process, I lost 140 lbs.  That has been a great journey.

In another sense, I wish I had never had to experience the pain of betrayals, the fear in having to flee my own home countless times during his rages, the anxiety from never knowing what I was coming home to and the shame I feel in allowing my children, especially my daughter from my first marriage to experience what they had to.  I didn't see it at the time clearly, but my ex spent years gaslighting my daughter out of what I can only surmise to be jealousy at the fact that she came first in my life and she got attention that he wanted on him.  I am ashamed of all the times I made excuses for his behavior towards her and asked her to stay out of his way. That was so not fair to her. The daughter my ex and I share got less of this but is now dealing with the fact that after her Dad moved out almost 6 months ago, he spent only 5.5 hours with her and changed his phone number without letting her (or I) know the new number over 3 months ago.  

[guy4caligirl]

With all my respect to everyone's opinion and how they really feel about their ex good or bad And I do agree what they did and what we did was bad ,okay not as bad here you go ! ,it takes two here also... .

BUT if you want peace in yourself and your life IMO you need to forgive and perhaps not forget .

Nothing we do now or try to run would change anything in the outcome .

Take good care of yourself and fate will find his way ... .

[FannyB]

First time around I didn't know she had BPD, let my guard down and was badly hurt. Second time around, armed with internet knowledge of the disorder, I gave it my best and we still crashed and burned - only that time it didn't hurt. So the only thing I would have changed is letting my guard down initially - I have no regrets about how I treated my ex.


Fanny

[Itstopsnow]

I think in time, most here will be able to let go and forgive in the sense that they won't habor ill will. We are all here because we cared more than the average person would. Most people would of left way sooner than most of us. At the end of the day, it will take time, space, and work to let go of the pain. But we can and will move on. They unfortunately will continue down their path of abuse and manipulation and lies. Plus they will likely remember things in your relationship that weren't true. They twist the truth and believe their lies. I don't know why so many people want to have such compassion for these people. They had no with us. And if you didn't experience very horrible treatment from them, stick around for the recycle it will get worse not better. Especially if they're untreated. There are healthier people who don't see cheating as a way of life , .

[AwakenedOne]

The most likely thing that people here might be encouraged to face is the reason for putting up with abuse. If anyone here is guilty of that I think it falls more into the mistake file drawer rather than the we were bad too file.

Unintentionally triggering the abandonment and engulfment fears of the pwBPD could be another mistake?... .that the NON did. Most here didn't know about BPD though.

[teapay]

If I knew my wife had BPD and all I know about BPD now I would have left the r/s, before I married her and had kids.  I have a hard time understanding unmarried folks or folks without kids, who know all about BPD, still want to make a go at it and get deeper into it.   But to each his own.  While there are a few people who have had enough success with a partner with some BPD traits or in stable remission to be satisified, the collective experience if multiple thousands upon thousands suggest it's a futile errand for a classic BPD. I accept that that buys into the stigma of BPD, but that stigma didn't just appear out of a vaccuum.  I've found it to be pretty accurrate and not invention