NC pep talk thread part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's amazing how my brain and body felt when I initially thought LET'S LOOK AT HER INSTAGRAM RIGHT NOW ... .and then I was able to shake it off and not look. But man, that was a rough moment.

remember that the feeling passed/s; that is what will get you through such moments. its like rewiring. and every time you do, it gets much easier, the trigger becomes much lighter, then barely noticeable, then gone.

the anxiety can be overwhelming, i know; interesting how it can drive us to do things that we rationally know will make us feel worse. congratulations for overcoming it and the progress youve made in a month 

[once removed]

It's amazing how my brain and body felt when I initially thought LET'S LOOK AT HER INSTAGRAM RIGHT NOW ... .and then I was able to shake it off and not look. But man, that was a rough moment.

remember that the feeling passed/s; that is what will get you through such moments. its like rewiring. and every time you do, it gets much easier, the trigger becomes much lighter, then barely noticeable, then gone.

the anxiety can be overwhelming, i know; interesting how it can drive us to do things that we rationally know will make us feel worse. congratulations for overcoming it and the progress youve made in a month 

[Anez]

Thank you, Once. I appreciate it. I think it's important for me to recognize these small little victories even tho at the moment i was still very overwhelmed with feelings. It's hard to lose sight of the good stuff we do because sometimes all the pain seems like so much.

step by step. the brain will rewire itself.

My T says my brain is used to getting a reward from her, as I used to. It's like a drug addict's brain looking at a drug. And overtime my brain will eventually rewire itself and the feeling of reward won't be there.

This would all be so much easier if I didn't have to see her every day at work but that's where I am at right now. nothing i can do about that. Just gotta keep rewiring.

[kc sunshine]

hi fellow detachers! today got much better (after the wave of sadness in the morning)! I even felt something like radical acceptance ... .here's how it went "since I'm a person that values my freedom and relationships so much, it would probably be better for me to find someone with a really strong sense of self." That thought was very freeing for me for some reason, probably because for the first time it was a thought that was more focused on me than her. And also made me think that our breakup was for the best (for the first time). I don't know how long this feeling will last, but it definitely was there for an instant. And it wasn't just my rational brain trying to talk my feeling brain into it-- it was both sides of the brain together. Such a relief to have them (both sides of the brain) in more harmony with each other.

[Anez]

That's great, KC. Way to go. See, you can do this. You are strong.

I had some real weak moments today. It's just tough having to see her everyday at work. I see and hear her having fun and I miss how we used to be that way together. But I need to see her whole picture. She never raged at me, which makes this hard. She just discarded me. And I still have so many questions that will never get answered.

But I had strong moments too and need to focus on those.

Day by day, guys.

[Anez]

These urges of wanting to contact her and see if we can just go out and get some dinner like to normal adults are flooding my brain. I will not reach out tho, I'll post here instead.

Right now it feels like no other woman will provide the spark that she did. I know that's not true but right now I'm just struggling.

I hate this. Being discarded and now pretty much ignored sucks, guys. I need some positive thoughts right now.

[kc sunshine]

Great job posting here instead of contacting her Anez! We're with you!

Wish that you could move your desk out of hearing zone. Dang, that would be so painful. Glad you have earphones. Does she eat lunch there at a regular time? If so, could you leave and eat outside before she gets there?

These urges of wanting to contact her and see if we can just go out and get some dinner like to normal adults are flooding my brain. I will not reach out tho, I'll post here instead.

Right now it feels like no other woman will provide the spark that she did. I know that's not true but right now I'm just struggling.

I hate this. Being discarded and now pretty much ignored sucks, guys. I need some positive thoughts right now.

[Anez]

Nah I can't move my desk because my whole team sits in that area. I just want to get to the point mentally where her presence doesn't affect me and I think the only way to do it is to go through the daily lunch hell until I'm free of it all.

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, so sorry about the daily lunch hell.

Okay, here goes day 5 of detaching. Yesterday was a good one, but I know it is an up and down process, so bracing for today.

[Anez]

Nice work, DC! Keep it up. And when you hit a low point don't reach out to her, reach out to us. I did that yesterday when i had a bunch of low points and it helped. I never reached out to her. That's a victory.

[kc sunshine]

Today was a tough one. It still stings not to see a message from her in my inbox. But hopefully my brain is getting used to it. Day 5, almost over. My thoughts about her, probably a 6 on a scale of 1-10. Today the thoughts were mostly replaying scenes of the relationship, mostly the rough ones, some of the good ones. A few thoughts about the replacement but not SO many.

How'd you guys do?

[Anez]

Well I broke down and sent her a text about something light. And then she and I traded a bunch of nice texts. I don't know why I broke down and did it but I did and it's ok.

I have to give it all some more thought but right now it feels harmless and was nice to chat with her.

Thats just where I am right now.

[kc sunshine]

I'm close to that myself, but I think that I'm not going to do it. Can't see what good would come out of it. What I'm super tempted to do is to check social media, but I'll avoid that too, to try to keep the healing clock ticking. So touch-- today is a hard one after the better one a couple of days ago. I went to a wedding this morning and it was triggering. I do kind of still have a fantasy where we come back together-- the wedding triggered that. Day 6 of do not resuscitate, release with grace, rewire the brain.

[Rmbrworst]

Well I broke down and sent her a text about something light. And then she and I traded a bunch of nice texts. I don't know why I broke down and did it but I did and it's ok.

I have to give it all some more thought but right now it feels harmless and was nice to chat with her.

Thats just where I am right now.

Ya, I did the same thing a while back.  He never responded, which is fine.

It's up to you and what you want, but I haven't texted him again and dont plan to.  It's just too much drama and hurt feelings.

The more I've separated myself from this, the more I've found I've been used and abused.

Dont move your boundaries, best wishes to you

Much love

[bdyw8]

The more I've separated myself from this, the more I've found I've been used and abused.

Amen to that.  When I keep hanging on, I'm living in the fantasy, not the reality.

The reality being that this person used me and their good loving words, were no more real than their abusive hurtful words and actions.  Played me like a fiddle.

No contact is the only way I can have some semblance of peace as I try to move on and deal with the heartache and detoxification.  Strength to you all! 

[Anez]

Thanks guys. I had a weak moment as yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of my cousin who was like my little brother. it was an emotional day and an emotional week and I partly reached out, i think, because I needed someone who was once close to me just to be there for me - even if it was just a few nice texts.

I work with my ex so i see her briefly each day which makes no contact impossible. but I'm back to not texting and just being cordial.

[kc sunshine]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's death . Emotional triggers have made me reach out to my ex too-- totally understandable (and it looks like no harm done). How did it make you feel afterwards, Anez?

My ex called me yesterday and I called her back. It was short and brief and kind of awkward but I think more or less okay. She kind of was grilling me about my life and we couldn't get into a groove of a conversation but I guess that is to be expected. I texted her something related to our conversation a little bit afterwards (maybe to relieve the awkwardness of our actual conversation?) and she didn't reply which was strange but I'm not gonna sweat it.

I did have pretty intense dreams of her after the phone call though-- one in which we were in each others arms and she asked me what about the other people (my replacement/s?) and I said it is okay. So maybe my unconscious is working stuff out.

[Anez]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's death . Emotional triggers have made me reach out to my ex too-- totally understandable (and it looks like no harm done). How did it make you feel afterwards, Anez?

My ex called me yesterday and I called her back. It was short and brief and kind of awkward but I think more or less okay. She kind of was grilling me about my life and we couldn't get into a groove of a conversation but I guess that is to be expected. I texted her something related to our conversation a little bit afterwards (maybe to relieve the awkwardness of our actual conversation?) and she didn't reply which was strange but I'm not gonna sweat it.

I did have pretty intense dreams of her after the phone call though-- one in which we were in each others arms and she asked me what about the other people (my replacement/s?) and I said it is okay. So maybe my unconscious is working stuff out.

Thanks, KC. it was a rough day. Texted a few times yesterday and she was supportive and asked me how i was doing with it all. I felt good after and got to see some things more clearly. She didn't follow up on anything from the night before - i'm taking a new class on wednesday nights and she was excited to hear that wed night. But then thursday she didn't ask me any follow ups on how the class went or etc. I didn't expect any and I'm not mad at her for not following up - it just shows where her head is at. It's not too into what's going on in my world anymore. and that's ok. it will help me distance myself from my feelings.

I think she means well. she's just mentally ill and that has to be tough for her. She's not normal. not in the least. and that has to be hard.

Interesting that your ex reached out to you yesterday. Sounded like she was angry a little bit? hope it doesn't push you back. We need to keep in the front of our minds that these people are f'd up and there's nothing we can really do. Which is hard, because we want to help them. But it's out of our hands.

hope you're doing OK today. keep pushing forward. You're doing great things for yourself and being strong. Pat yourself on the back for that.

[JSF13]

Today is 7 days we haven't spoken after my ex dysregulated last Friday and attacked me to which I said I don't deserve this and would not allow her to treat me like she does. I told her that if she continued it I wouldn't be a part of her life again. She wrote me back I'm a chauvinistic pig because I stood up for myself. I find myself constantly hoping that she reaches back out but I set up a boundary and will not break that. We have been split up since the beginning of Oct. She is currently living with her Ex husband 3k miles away and says its not what I think LOL. Everyday is a struggle and I miss her so much but I know my worth and know I don't deserve the abuse I subjected myself to. I was strict NC for 6/7 weeks and broke on Xmas. I wish I never did.

[Anez]

Today is 7 days we haven't spoken after my ex dysregulated last Friday and attacked me to which I said I don't deserve this and would not allow her to treat me like she does. I told her that if she continued it I wouldn't be a part of her life again. She wrote me back I'm a chauvinistic pig because I stood up for myself. I find myself constantly hoping that she reaches back out but I set up a boundary and will not break that. We have been split up since the beginning of Oct. She is currently living with her Ex husband 3k miles away and says its not what I think LOL. Everyday is a struggle and I miss her so much but I know my worth and know I don't deserve the abuse I subjected myself to. I was strict NC for 6/7 weeks and broke on Xmas. I wish I never did.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. stay strong and keep up the NC.

[Fox Mulder]

I screwed up really badly, and I have only myself to blame.

It's been almost an entire year since we last had contact. But, on about five or six occasions, I checked her blog. I'm trying so, so, so hard to remember that I'm better off without her. But it still hurts that she's changed so much for my replacement. Some of the ways she's changed, I don't like - she's become sarcastic and aggressive in her personality. But she's also gotten more attractive, and her physical attractiveness (and sex skills) are what I miss most about her. I know it's shallow and awful. I'm doing my best to remember her as someone with BPD first, and an attractive person second.

The worst thing about my latest failure to stay off her social media is that she's installed some kind of hit tracking thing on her blog, so she saw that I looked at it. So now she's aware that I still think about her. I felt bad enough knowing she's (ostensibly) so happy and beautiful now, but now she knows that I know, and that makes me feel even worse. This is the closest thing to contact I've had in 11 months and now I have to start from square one again in proving to her and to myself that I'm moving on. I've let myself down in my recovery. I feel such an incredible sense of guilt and disappointment. I should be doing better. I was doing so much better this January too. Everything felt like a fresh start, but now I'm mired in old feelings again. I wish I could just disappear from existence right now.

I'm such a failure.

[Anez]

I screwed up really badly, and I have only myself to blame.

It's been almost an entire year since we last had contact. But, on about five or six occasions, I checked her blog. I'm trying so, so, so hard to remember that I'm better off without her. But it still hurts that she's changed so much for my replacement. Some of the ways she's changed, I don't like - she's become sarcastic and aggressive in her personality. But she's also gotten more attractive, and her physical attractiveness (and sex skills) are what I miss most about her. I know it's shallow and awful. I'm doing my best to remember her as someone with BPD first, and an attractive person second.

The worst thing about my latest failure to stay off her social media is that she's installed some kind of hit tracking thing on her blog, so she saw that I looked at it. So now she's aware that I still think about her. I felt bad enough knowing she's (ostensibly) so happy and beautiful now, but now she knows that I know, and that makes me feel even worse. This is the closest thing to contact I've had in 11 months and now I have to start from square one again in proving to her and to myself that I'm moving on. I've let myself down in my recovery. I feel such an incredible sense of guilt and disappointment. I should be doing better. I was doing so much better this January too. Everything felt like a fresh start, but now I'm mired in old feelings again. I wish I could just disappear from existence right now.

I'm such a failure.

You're not a failure, Mulder. So you looked at her blog one time. It's OK, don't beat yourself up over . Question about the hit counter: how does she know that you looked? Chances are she has no idea.

You're not a failure. Pretty far from it.

[Fox Mulder]

I screwed up really badly, and I have only myself to blame.

It's been almost an entire year since we last had contact. But, on about five or six occasions, I checked her blog. I'm trying so, so, so hard to remember that I'm better off without her. But it still hurts that she's changed so much for my replacement. Some of the ways she's changed, I don't like - she's become sarcastic and aggressive in her personality. But she's also gotten more attractive, and her physical attractiveness (and sex skills) are what I miss most about her. I know it's shallow and awful. I'm doing my best to remember her as someone with BPD first, and an attractive person second.

The worst thing about my latest failure to stay off her social media is that she's installed some kind of hit tracking thing on her blog, so she saw that I looked at it. So now she's aware that I still think about her. I felt bad enough knowing she's (ostensibly) so happy and beautiful now, but now she knows that I know, and that makes me feel even worse. This is the closest thing to contact I've had in 11 months and now I have to start from square one again in proving to her and to myself that I'm moving on. I've let myself down in my recovery. I feel such an incredible sense of guilt and disappointment. I should be doing better. I was doing so much better this January too. Everything felt like a fresh start, but now I'm mired in old feelings again. I wish I could just disappear from existence right now.

I'm such a failure.

You're not a failure, Mulder. So you looked at her blog one time. It's OK, don't beat yourself up over . Question about the hit counter: how does she know that you looked? Chances are she has no idea.

You're not a failure. Pretty far from it.

Thanks, Anez.

I know because she made a post about it, gloating about how I'm stuck in the past while she's getting happier and happier moving into the future.

[Anez]

I screwed up really badly, and I have only myself to blame.

It's been almost an entire year since we last had contact. But, on about five or six occasions, I checked her blog. I'm trying so, so, so hard to remember that I'm better off without her. But it still hurts that she's changed so much for my replacement. Some of the ways she's changed, I don't like - she's become sarcastic and aggressive in her personality. But she's also gotten more attractive, and her physical attractiveness (and sex skills) are what I miss most about her. I know it's shallow and awful. I'm doing my best to remember her as someone with BPD first, and an attractive person second.

The worst thing about my latest failure to stay off her social media is that she's installed some kind of hit tracking thing on her blog, so she saw that I looked at it. So now she's aware that I still think about her. I felt bad enough knowing she's (ostensibly) so happy and beautiful now, but now she knows that I know, and that makes me feel even worse. This is the closest thing to contact I've had in 11 months and now I have to start from square one again in proving to her and to myself that I'm moving on. I've let myself down in my recovery. I feel such an incredible sense of guilt and disappointment. I should be doing better. I was doing so much better this January too. Everything felt like a fresh start, but now I'm mired in old feelings again. I wish I could just disappear from existence right now.

I'm such a failure.

You're not a failure, Mulder. So you looked at her blog one time. It's OK, don't beat yourself up over . Question about the hit counter: how does she know that you looked? Chances are she has no idea.

You're not a failure. Pretty far from it.

Thanks, Anez.

I know because she made a post about it, gloating about how I'm stuck in the past while she's getting happier and happier moving into the future.

well her post tells you all you need to know about her - she's a child. who else would do something like that?

you're so much better off without someone like that.

[Wantingtochange]

One of the biggest reasons I'm so thankful for this site is to see that I'm not alone, and neither are you. Until I started on this site not long ago I thought I was going crazy. I'm guessing at some level we all have felt that way.

Detaching for me is one of the hardest things I've ever done. What screws with me the most is before I decided to leave all I could think about is how crazy and bad this thing relationship is and I can't wait to get out and re-start my life.

And here I am. Here many of us are. For what ever reason each of us has, detaching is painfully hard. It plain hurts. I know and understand it's a process. It takes time, a long time, and it's a challenge. At any given moment each and every day I'm processing multiple emotions and fighting every urge, every reason my mind comes up with to reason away why to contact her.

Now that I left it's a total 180 turn, and it ssoo hard. But it was a decision I stand by. One of the biggest things that hit me short time ago is how sad and pathetic I must have been every time over the last 6 years that she left and I pleaded and pleaded and each and every time she left with out warning and complete silence... .Yet I still chased here.

That alone is giving me a small amount of strength. I don't want to be pathetic. So I'm very slowly using that as fuel for my healing. I know it's a mindset (Easier said then done) and I'm sure were all doing that. Finding ways to create a mindset to get thru each day.

My mom gave me advice on something shortly before her passing. She said when struggling with something take it one day at a time. Take it one hour at a time. And take it one minute at a time. It doesn't matter how, just do it.

N/C or DNR... .what ever it takes, it's now about each one of us, not them... .

Thank everyone for all the support you give everyone here.

[livednlearned]

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