First post, my story

[samanthagrace]

Hey everyone! I have been reading through this site and the boards for a few months now, and I believe it has been a helpful tool as I attempt to detach from my ex of two years. So, I'm here because my ex may have BPD. I have been seeing my therapist for almost 6 months now, I started going when the relationship was on and off and I felt like my situation was harmful and out of control yet I wasn't able to stop it, and she is the one who first told me it sounds like my ex has BPD. My biggest struggle in this has been convincing myself that not everything was my fault, and there is part of me that is very fearful that I'm the one who has BPD. I have expressed this concern to her and she seems very positive that I do not, but I have so much self doubt that I worry maybe I'm explaining things to her in a biased way or that she doesn't have information she needs to diagnose me. Even when I read things on here, other people's stories, I am worried that I am the one with the problem.

This was my first serious relationship, so I was very inexperienced however I could tell something was not right even in the early "love bombing" stage of the relationship. Of course I liked him so much and couldn't believe how much he liked me that even though it seemed almost too good to be true, I rolled with it. He quickly told me he loved me, after maybe a month of dating and would text me that he missed me 10 mins after leaving my house each night. I liked how much he cared for me but I began to feel smothered. We spent every moment together. When I started a new job, he insisted on coming over and spending the morning before work with me (I worked a later shift) and then spent all weekend with me. I had no time to spend with friends and family and started getting upset about it. I had a gentle conversation with him and asked if maybe two mornings before work I could have some me time to get things done as I had NO time between him and my new job and this was our first fight. He cried and said I was getting sick of him, he was hysterical. I couldn't believe it. I ended up giving in and we continued to spend every minute of my free time together. He told me his last relationship ended with him banging his head on the wall in front of his ex girlfriend until he gave himself a concussion. But he had never gotten angry or hysterical in front of me until our fight.

I slowly started to pick up on his anger problems. One night I was upset that I had been gaining weight from us eating out all the time and wouldn't tell him what was wrong because I was embarrassed and preferred not to talk about it, I tried to brush it off by telling him I was okay and started acting goofy and making jokes but he got so angry I wouldn't tell him what was wrong that he started yelling and hitting his fists on the steering wheel. I was so shocked and angry that he flipped out on me that I called him crazy and got out of his car. He called me that night hysterical, apologizing promising to never get angry like that again. I understand being frustrated that I wasn't telling him why I seemed bothered but that seemed uncalled for.

Between feeling smothered by him and being stressed out about the new job, not having free time to spend with friends and family I guess I started getting moody with him and being less fun. Things changed seemingly suddenly when all of the sudden he seemed to have no interest in talking to me or seeing me after my schedule changed at work and I was much less available to him. I was caught off guard and felt horrible when he finally told me he wasn't talking to me because I kept snapping at him. I didn't want him hurting so I drove to his house at 3am hugged him and apologized. Things just kept going downhill though, he would ignore me for hours but be active online. He would deny that he was ignoring me and even got mean if I sent him more than one text (when previously if I hadn't responded to him after 10 minuted I would have 5 texts asking why I disappeared from him). I would beg him to come see me and talk about things because he didn't want to break up but also didn't seem to want anything to do with me and he would refuse. I broke up with him because I couldn't get through to him at all and then I regretted it. Called him that same night begging for forgiveness and to take me back. He then used that I broke up with him as an excuse to be even colder towards me while I bent over backwards trying to get his attention. I ended up quitting my job and going back to the lesser paying job where he worked and where we had met.

When we were working together again he showed interest in me at work, started telling me he missed me. I was in turmoil the whole time wondering how I could fix it, what I did to lose his adoration, how to get it back. I started talking to a male friend that he didn't like and he decided then he wanted me back. For a while things were okay again. Then he started hanging out with friends he didn't seem to want me to meet, and even began blowing off our plans to hang out with this girl and some other mutual friends of theres. I broke up with him again when he made plans to go to her house on new years eve instead of with me. I got so jealous of this female friend of his (she is dating a girl, so I knew it wasn't romantic) but it still drove me crazy. We continued to talk after the break up he would text that he didn't like his life without me and missed me and I would text and ask why he chose to spend time with her so often instead of me and he didn't like that. He said I just wanted to see the worst of the situation and that he had to have friends. For a year I hadn't even heard of this girl. I wanted him to have friends, I didn't like being his whole life but I felt second to this friend. He blew off our date night to go with her to get her car inspected. In a way I felt like he was more her boyfriend than mine. We got back together but it was continuously on and off because he was doing nothing to make me feel better about her and any attempt I made at communicating my feelings about it turned into a fight because he was always, always defensive. I really lost it when I let him borrow my car for the weekend once because his was having trouble, after a week of ignoring me or barely responding to me he asked if he could borrow it and I let him. He came to get it and we slept together and he promised he would come talk to me the next day after work. I didn't want to be pushy and ask the next day because if I ask wrong I knew he would cancel on me, so I waited for him all day. It was getting late so I finally asked him what was going on and he had took my car to her house for a party instead of coming to talk to me like he promised. I couldn't believe it. I lost it and told him he used me and was selfish.

He ended up moving in with her and her girlfriend after lying about it and hiding his plans to do it from me for 6 months. I knew it was something they wanted him to do, I told him I didn't like it and if he wanted to move in with her then I wanted out of the relationship. He lied to me and told me he wasn't sure what he was doing until the DAY BEFORE he moved his stuff in. He went through periods of ignoring me on and off but we were never really done. His favorite thing to tell me was "things would be okay if I let them be" but never seemed to want to talk about how we could change things to make each other happier or more comfortable and didn't put in any effort. I knew that the only way we could get along would be for me to let him do whatever he wants, come around when it's convenient and leave and ignore me when it wasn't and I could not react to it at all and then we would have been okay. But I couldn't let things go, nothing was changing. The last time I saw him was in september, when we got in a fight at my house and he banged his head on my wall giving himself ANOTHER concussion and I had to take him to the ER. He asked me to call him every couple of hours the week after to make sure he didn't die in his sleep or whatever, which I did. We stopped talking all together in october because I kept fighting for answers, because he could never tell me what he wanted from me or where we stood. He ended up swearing at me and calling me abusive. I told him he was being cruel and he told me "I made him that way" and I got so fed up I said "You're last two relationships ended in you giving yourself a concussion, you just might be a common denominator here" he couldn't handle that. Told me to F off and blocked me. I was doing better, I blocked him everywhere and we didn't talk for over two months until he messages me (I shouldn't have unblocked) that he's sorry and happy new year. We talked for a few days, he was saying sorry telling me everything I wanted to here. 2 days later back to ignoring me, I flipped out and now he is blocked again. Hoping to start feeling better again soon, the relapse was not fun. I worry that I might be more that 50% at fault, I wish I could have controlled my reactions better and not flipped out on him so often. If I had been less jealous of his female friend. I felt so confused and frustrated during this relationship I look back on my actions and cringe... If I could go back I would simply have given up when I first got the cold shoulder out of what seemed like nowhere and kept my dignity. This was so long, thank you if you read this! Any input is appreciated, maybe some of this is relatable?

[Herodias]

The lesson here is go with your gut reaction from the beginning. He sounds like a pwBPD for sure. Don't beat yourself up... .we all went through it. Get our now if that's what you want to do. You sound young, so I would not get stuck in a situation like this now. You will have learned a great lesson that will stick with you and you will have much success in love in your future if you remember to trust yourself. Sorry you went through this They will do anything to suck you back in... .learn what you can and don't feel it was you. It's hard in the beginning, but it's how they manipulate you. When you come out of the "fog" you will understand and look back and be better for getting out. Forget the love bombing... .that is the hardest part, it's not real. Think of it as someone who is so insecure they will do and say anything romantic that they have seen in the movies to keep you interested. The person who was angry and manipulating and lying... .that's who you were with. It was devastating to me to realize I had fallen in love with someone mentally ill- even married him! We need to work on us! Glad you are getting counseling... .keep on working on you. Only he can choose to work on himself if he chooses to. They are so selfish... .they don't ever seem to stop unless we force them to.

[C.Stein]

Welcome to the BPD funhouse.   

It is so very difficult to make sense of everything that has happened and to deal with the resulting emotions.  I still struggle mightily with sadness, depression, anger, acceptance, guilt, letting go.  You will feel guilty for things you did or did not do.  This is normal and healthy as examining your role in the relationship will lead to insight and knowledge of your own behavior. 

That said, only accept responsibility for your own behavior and actions.

It is hard to look at yourself objectively but sometimes this is what you need to do in order to learn and grow in a positive way.

It is not entirely uncommon to think you might have BPD traits and you might as a result of being in a relationship with a pwBPD, assuming he suffers from the condition.  While I can't say he does, certainly some of the behavior you have described suggests some BPD like traits.

You can't do anything about your ex but you can do something about yourself.  Try to understand why you behaved in certain ways, if your behavior was unprovoked by your ex or a result of something your ex did.  See if you can understand why you behaved the way you did, if the behavior was reasonable and what you might change if faced with a similar situation again.  You may or may not be in a place emotionally to do this now but when you are ready I believe it will help you understand yourself and the relationship better.  This can hopefully bring you to a place where you can find acceptance and move forward.

Believe in yourself.   

[samanthagrace]

Thank you so much for your replies. After breaking NC after 2 months of silence, I am now two weeks NC again and feeling a little bit better. He is blocked although I keep going back and forth on wanting to unblock him. I know I'm young and getting out of this should be easy and I do know how bad he is for me and how bad I am for him, but I still miss him. Part of me wants him back now to end the pain and the other part knows if I wait it out and suffer a big longer I will be 100x better off in the long run.

Do you ever feel worried that maybe they weren't as bad as you though? Or maybe that you brought out the worst in them, and that they can be functional and happy with someone else? This is one of the most upsetting thoughts I have about it. I love him, I tried so hard to control myself and let him do whatever he wanted so I could keep the peace and maybe he would change on his own. Maybe if I didn't fight or question being blown off or being ignored he would have stopped blowing me off and ignoring me. Me constantly telling him how it makes me feel and getting angry when he kept doing it pushed him away he said. What if he finds someone who reacts well to these things, or doesn't think they're a big deal and he gets to be happy with this new person?

Makes me miserable.

[ladylee]

Hi samanthagrace your story was very detailed in that you are in touch with the twists and turns of the games they play and self aware. I find that impressive. You will get stronger, being in contact with a BPD individual causes self doubt. We have to trust our instincts. In your story, yours were present and still are, you just need time to heal. I made many life changing decisions to please my husband that are irreversible because I thought I would be with him forever, this dramatic climate they create makes every need seem to have to be fulfilled immediately doesn't.  I want to focus on my life now, what I want to do that I was not doing because I was catering to him, my good health, and be positive and happy.

[C.Stein]

Do you ever feel worried that maybe they weren't as bad as you though? Or maybe that you brought out the worst in them, and that they can be functional and happy with someone else?

I do feel your pain and guilt, I was in that place not that long ago and still visit it frequently.  Believe that it will get better as the FOG clears.

In my case my ex isn't all that bad, most of the time things were good between us.  That said, the further I get out of the FOG the more I can see how things really were.  My ex might be able to function in a lapdog relationship where the person she is involved with will keep coming back for more without complaint regardless of what she does.  I am also beginning to think she is only capable of sustaining relationships that are emotionally shallow, which is the opposite of what I think she wants.

The times when our relationship was the most emotionally intense and had real depth (at least for me) was when she displayed the BPD traits the most.  The end result was her behavior sabotaged the very intimacy and closeness she craved.   The led to me withdrawing/distancing myself, which I now understand I was unconsciously protecting myself.

I do feel guilty for withdrawing/distancing, for letting her push me away, for not communicating better, for letting her push me over the edge the few times she did.   Some of these are understandable, some are a result of ignorance, some are just inexcusable.   I didn't know about BPD when I was with her and if I had things may have been very different.  That said the end result probably would have been the same.

One of the hardest things to accept is you may never get the answers you are looking for with regard to your ex.  I have struggled and struggled with trying to logically rationalize why she did the things she did.  I still do this to some extent even though I know I will never find logic in the illogical, nor rationalize the irrational.  You can however objectively examine your own behavior and try to learn and grow in a positive fashion from this experience.   This is what we can logically rationalize but only from a place of objectivity.

[Euler2718]

You said that because you were young it should be easy enough for you to get through this. I think that might actually make it harder -- I'm older, and I have had separations before, so it's sort of like I have some idea of how to stay away.

Good luck, I hope that you find much more and better love out there.

Stay away if you can.

In the past month, I started going to a bible study, went on some hikes, took a trip to Ohio, took another two (day-long) trips to the coast of California, fixed up a fence (badly), and started lifting weights. I also resumed all the activities I tended to suppress during the distancing. About once a week   she would call me up and give me a reason why we need to break up -- after awhile she gave me a very firm breakup. A few days later she said she needed to go no contact to heal.

Since you have a therapist, I bet you have a good recovery. It takes time. Be good to yourself and good luck.

(P.S. can you tell I have a "protector" inside me? Protectors, rescuers, fixers... .all fodder for the BPD cannon.)

[thisworld]

SamanthaGrace hi

And welcome to the family 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have tremendous insight that’s inspiring for many of us and as you will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

It may be difficult for us to disengage from these relationships no matter how old we are because of the nature of the relationship. When we were together with our pwBPD, we experienced many highs, many lows, a lot of confusing and contradictory behavior in between and many of us still harbor a wish to return to the initial stages where they seemed to be very very attracted to us. Again, many minds here know what is good for them, but many hearts are still trying to catch up. We question ourselves a lot during this period, so you are not alone. Please know that many people here have exactly the same questions in their heads. Learning about the disorder and making sense of your experiences from that perspective helps tremendously.

And yes, many of question whether we have BPD. Many of us also question whether we are abusive people because we have received that feedback over and over from our partners. I would trust my therapist on this one because they can distinguish whether this question is coming from just an anxious place in you or is the result of you having BPD. In time, you may also notice that there are a lot of similarities between disordered and non-disordered people but certain things are very magnified in disordered people – like very, very magnified. I personally think my ex-partner and I have a lot of similarities – as well as our great differences. However, I believe I can sustain better relationships with people around me and am generally a content person whereas my partner has a very difficult life where these traits are causing a lot of turmoil both for him and the people around him. Also, in your story, you sound like many of us here; you have reacted the way many of us have reacted and your pwBPD seems to be doing things our ex-partners did.

You have asked if we ever feel worried that maybe they weren't as bad we thought? Yes, I do and he is a very volatile person that brought a lot of turmoil to my life, but I still think about this. It’s part of the disengagement process and it’s OK. I don’t want to think like he is absolutely black and I’m absolutely white anyway (that’s BPD thinking). My goal is to achieve a better emotional balance where I see him more realistically but also stick to my decision to break-up. That decision was there for a reason and ultimately I don’t want to go back to a relationship like that. This is about me, my boundaries, my wishes and desires.

And yes, that question almost all of us ask ourselves: Will they be happier with another partner? The more you read about the experiences here, the more you will discover many perspectives – usually they are not even if they seem to (often on social media). Imagine that your pwBPD does exactly the same things in his next relationship but his new girlfriend is happy with that treatment. Would that change anything for you? Would you like to go back just because someone else is OK with everything you wrote in your post about things you won’t miss?

When I read your thread, I thought of this article immediately.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Have you come across this? Do you think there is anything that resonates?

Best,

TW

[samanthagrace]

SamanthaGrace hi

And welcome to the family 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have tremendous insight that’s inspiring for many of us and as you will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

It may be difficult for us to disengage from these relationships no matter how old we are because of the nature of the relationship. When we were together with our pwBPD, we experienced many highs, many lows, a lot of confusing and contradictory behavior in between and many of us still harbor a wish to return to the initial stages where they seemed to be very very attracted to us. Again, many minds here know what is good for them, but many hearts are still trying to catch up. We question ourselves a lot during this period, so you are not alone. Please know that many people here have exactly the same questions in their heads. Learning about the disorder and making sense of your experiences from that perspective helps tremendously.

And yes, many of question whether we have BPD. Many of us also question whether we are abusive people because we have received that feedback over and over from our partners. I would trust my therapist on this one because they can distinguish whether this question is coming from just an anxious place in you or is the result of you having BPD. In time, you may also notice that there are a lot of similarities between disordered and non-disordered people but certain things are very magnified in disordered people – like very, very magnified. I personally think my ex-partner and I have a lot of similarities – as well as our great differences. However, I believe I can sustain better relationships with people around me and am generally a content person whereas my partner has a very difficult life where these traits are causing a lot of turmoil both for him and the people around him. Also, in your story, you sound like many of us here; you have reacted the way many of us have reacted and your pwBPD seems to be doing things our ex-partners did.

You have asked if we ever feel worried that maybe they weren't as bad we thought? Yes, I do and he is a very volatile person that brought a lot of turmoil to my life, but I still think about this. It’s part of the disengagement process and it’s OK. I don’t want to think like he is absolutely black and I’m absolutely white anyway (that’s BPD thinking). My goal is to achieve a better emotional balance where I see him more realistically but also stick to my decision to break-up. That decision was there for a reason and ultimately I don’t want to go back to a relationship like that. This is about me, my boundaries, my wishes and desires.

And yes, that question almost all of us ask ourselves: Will they be happier with another partner? The more you read about the experiences here, the more you will discover many perspectives – usually they are not even if they seem to (often on social media). Imagine that your pwBPD does exactly the same things in his next relationship but his new girlfriend is happy with that treatment. Would that change anything for you? Would you like to go back just because someone else is OK with everything you wrote in your post about things you won’t miss?

When I read your thread, I thought of this article immediately.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Have you come across this? Do you think there is anything that resonates?

Best,

TW

Thanks so much again for the welcome and the feedback everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my story. I actually have stumbled across that article before, and re-reading it just now it's really chilling just how much it resonates, so much so that it could be written for me specifically. I feel like I do have a really good understanding of what happened, but if I'm not constantly reminding myself what I know then the self doubt creeps in until I'm back wondering if I was the one with the problem, if I was the abusive one for getting angry at him for the way he treated me instead of just accepting it. I have really come out of this with a bit more self awareness, I am going to make a conscious effort in my next counseling session to talk about ME, not him. I'm obviously codependent, and have very low self esteem. I would like to work on these things and improve as much as I can. I still go back and forth with wanting then not wanting to talk to him. I unblocked his number on my phone because I figure he isn't reaching out again anyways, but I'm leaving him blocked on Facebook. There's obviously a part of me that still wants to talk to him, that still wants him to apologize for hurting me and take some of the pain away. I trust myself completely to not reach out to him, but if he reaches out to me again I know I'm going to answer, so I know I should leave him blocked but right now I don't want to shut that door just in case. That's what the codependent part of me that still wants that "fix" is after, but I know ultimately the best thing for me is to stay NC and to try my hardest to move forward because there is nothing good for me with him. There is only hurting, feeling unimportant and used and then the occasional high of feeling wanted I'm granted with when it's convenient or he wants something from me. That's not what I want for myself, all of me just isn't fully committed to that sentiment yet. Most frustrating part is that if I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't fix my reactions so I could stay with him as his lap dog, I would go back to when he first shut down on me and got cruel in the way he spoke to me and I would have wished him well and went my own way, dignity and sanity intact. So, very frustrating that I'm still hung up on it now. You have the bad memories keeping you grounded then you have the good times and "I love you"s and "you were different"s throwing you off. Yesterday morning I started crying and telling myself to stop thinking about it, I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm so sick of thinking about him. Thanks for reading this unorganized rambling, here's to hoping it gets easier faster.

[JohnLove]

Most frustrating part is that if I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't fix my reactions so I could stay with him as his lap dog, I would go back to when he first shut down on me and got cruel in the way he spoke to me and I would have wished him well and went my own way, dignity and sanity intact. So, very frustrating that I'm still hung up on it now.

Hello samanthagrace, Hindsight is often 20/20. That is the moment the devaluation started.

I don't always react or respond "perfectly" either as I am human but for some I'm not sure that it really matters whatever you say.

I also would expect you walking away at that point would have had a positive impact on resolving that situation and possibly reduced that tactic in future.

[thisworld]

SamanthaGrace 

I'm so glad that you find the article relevant. Isn't it amazing how we read and read things but at one point things start making sense in different ways:)) I think this is because the more we distance ourselves from these situations the calmer we become and the wider our perspective becomes. I remember reading that article more than once and feeling closer and closer to it, too:)) I think you are doing wise and healthy things to keep that distance, kudos to you for that

And who says your rambling should be organized anyway, it's a rambling, isn't it? Maybe we can talk about our understanding of codependency later, as there are many people with different perspectives on it. One thing I know is that one sign of codependency is perfectionism in some people - I used to be like this. We may take too much responsibility, try to the best in everything, expect too much from ourselves too quickly etc. I personally experience my co-dependent attitudes through some positive things sometimes (like problem-solving, high-functioning etc). What were your behaviours or attitudes that make you think you were codependent in this relationship and do you think you took too much responsibility on your shoulders in this relationship, maybe expecting too much from yourself? (I'm asking this because you sound a lot like me, if I went back to my relationship I'd exactly do what you would.)

Please keep posting and stay strong