Years Later

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

to ditched, anyone can pick and chose quotes of randomness, it actually showed me as well, you have a lot of energy. I have no children, I have mentioned that before.

I can see you want to stonewall me as well. 

Hi, reading your posts I can feel turmoil emanating from your words. How are things going for you on the roads shaping your destiny? 

It seems that you desire logical answers to incongruous relational behavior. That desire is causing suffering. It's a bit like this dilemma:

(The Cheshire Cat’s head is floating above the King, Queen, & executioner)

“The executioner’s argument was, that you couldn’t cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to do such a thing before, and that he wasn’t going to begin at his time of life. The King’s argument was, that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren’t to talk nonsense."

Around and around we go... .

Though if you're really bent on analysis, some evidence points to an inability to be able to reflectively think about self in an integrated manner, i.e., to accurately perceive the context of one's existence in relation to self and others. That leads to a defect in the evaluative processing of emotions--therefore relational cause, effect and consequences may become skewed.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4303263/

What soothes you Jonathan? Can the people here and the collective wisdom help in some way? The support is offered in equal opportunity and is available to all.

[Conundrum]

to ditched, anyone can pick and chose quotes of randomness, it actually showed me as well, you have a lot of energy. I have no children, I have mentioned that before.

I can see you want to stonewall me as well. 

Hi, reading your posts I can feel turmoil emanating from your words. How are things going for you on the roads shaping your destiny? 

It seems that you desire logical answers to incongruous relational behavior. That desire is causing suffering. It's a bit like this dilemma:

(The Cheshire Cat’s head is floating above the King, Queen, & executioner)

“The executioner’s argument was, that you couldn’t cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to do such a thing before, and that he wasn’t going to begin at his time of life. The King’s argument was, that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren’t to talk nonsense."

Around and around we go... .

Though if you're really bent on analysis, some evidence points to an inability to be able to reflectively think about self in an integrated manner, i.e., to accurately perceive the context of one's existence in relation to self and others. That leads to a defect in the evaluative processing of emotions--therefore relational cause, effect and consequences may become skewed.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4303263/

What soothes you Jonathan? Can the people here and the collective wisdom help in some way? The support is offered in equal opportunity and is available to all.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

First off driver, we aren't talking about friendships here.  Anyone who you like that you don't date, is a friend, and of course ones sexual preference is also involved.

Thank you Conundrum, I shall read that piece.  But again, these are theories and not specific to every individual.

[Driver]

First off driver, we aren't talking about friendships here.  Anyone who you like that you don't date, is a friend, and of course ones sexual preference is also involved.

Thank you Conundrum, I shall read that piece.  But again, these are theories and not specific to every individual.

When I referred to liking someone as a friend and have both empathy and sympathy, I was referring to our exBF/GF after a break-up occurs, I was not referring to friends.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

It's ok I have been stonewalled, given silent treatment, ghosted, and ostracized by bpdfamily. I can only comment on this board, anything else they have silenced me.

They have taken my privilege of venting and offering advice as irrelevant.

[Confused108]

Jonathan you are having a very tough go of what your ex has done to you. We all have. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I myself have had a tough time of it too. My ex found me 26 years after we dated as teens bac in 1987. My ex was a normal happy go lucky girl who was and still is the love of my life. Our romance was short lived as my mom found out and broke the relationship up. After that I found out my ex started to fool around with half the guys in the block. Then when I tried getting bac she became this different person . She wanted me then she didn't . Back / forth. Then we stopped talking all together . She hated me it seemed. Later a few months I found out her parents put her into a mental hospital for 2 months and she came out worse then when she went in. After that her family moved and I never saw or heard from her again . Or so I thought. My ex in Feb of 2013 found me on Facebook and sent me a friends request. I didn't except it at first bc I could remember all the pain she caused me as a teen. Well stupid me accepted it and after talking with her she wanted to bring up my mother breaking us up. Well I did t want to talk about it so for 2 1/2 I kept her at bay every time she would pm me on Facebook. A normal convo would turn into a talk about us. Well last June I let my guard down and my ex flat out told me she still loved me. We started a phone affai bc she moved to Canada and I still lived in NY where my ex is from. She told me she was diagnosed Bipolar at 14. Well after I took her bait the push/ pull started within 2 weeks.  The it was ok then again and again and again. My ex told me how much she loved me. I was the one for her. She was so happy to have me back in her life. All the bs. Well just days after telling me all this $hit she ended things with me thru an email no less. Telling me I ran after her! I started flirting with her . She also said she never loved me ... .Only as a friend and dos t know why she said that to me to begin with. I was devestated. She quickly painted me black and that was it. All over a tiny remark I made about a tomato. We were not compatible in her eyes anymore. Well her behavior never say well with me. I have 2 friends whom are Bipolar and they don't act like my ex did. So I did reaserch and I believe she has been misdiagnosed back in 1987 . I believe she is BPD. She has over 7 if the symptoms of the 9. So here was the love of my life. Coming back to be over 25 years later and look what she did to me... .Again. The point ... .These are very very sick ppl. I myself have raged over what my ex had done. The hurt she has caused. But I remind myself that they are sick. It's suxs I know. I will never get my closure of why she came back into my life and killed me all over again. But they are sick. That's what you have to remember. One day at a time.

[Driver]

It's ok I have been stonewalled, given silent treatment, ghosted, and ostracized by bpdfamily. I can only comment on this board, anything else they have silenced me.

They have taken my privilege of venting and offering advice as irrelevant.

? I am not sure I am following you here. Who silenced you? What piece of advice did you give to whom and about what or whom?

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

This single thread is the only thread I can comment on... bpdfamily... .has taken my ability to reply to other threads, its not even an option... oh well.  I'm getting used to be treated this way... .it is just like the BPD all over again. 

[leew2110]

me ex just came back after being away for 3 year, started with anonymous phones calls which she claims were to hear my voice, this went on for months, then she reached out... didnt help.

for 10 yr now i have been in & out of my partners life. My now ex BPD partner returned last year after not speaking to me for nearly 3 year, in which time she was with another man, yet claims she didnt love him. she started ringing my phone but not speaking.

then she sent a message to test the waters i think. I stupidly went to her aid as she needed a friend.

at first i simply wanted to be her friend, but she convinced me she had been missing me so badly all these years, but didnt know how to reach out, that she had never stopped loving me and it was her who had been ringing over the years just to hear my voice but afraid to speak.

i fell for it all hook line & sinker. I agreed we could try again because i still loved her deep down & when i found out the ex was always catching her out looking me up on fb etc, so i believed what she said even more and agreed to try.

then within a short space of time, the arguments began again. As they increased she started talking about having a child together.

this scared me as she was talking NOW not later. i said i wasnt against it but wanted to work on putting us right & being committed first and then let nature take its course.

she didnt like that, more arguments etc, so i ended it and walked away. I couldnt risk bringing a child into such an unstable relationship & would not reply to her attempts to contact me.

that was in November, in that time she did not even try to fight for me, yet claimed me the love of her life only weeks earlier.

Last week I tried to reach out to see if she was ok and maybe sort things out. she ignored me.

i wrote a letter & hand delivered it to her door saying i was sorry and still loved her etc.

sent a few texts saying same, no reply. then i sent one saying i was sorry & would leave her be if she wanted me to or fight for her if she didnt say even go away. no reply so i sent a few more messages and tried to ring. she will not even acknowledge me.

then today the police arrived accusing me of harrassing her and she wants left alone.

why couldnt she have told me this herself?

what happened to i have loved you for 10 year?

i want a child with you born of love with you?

anyone else have thoughts or experience on this

[Driver]

This single thread is the only thread I can comment on... bpdfamily... .has taken my ability to reply to other threads, its not even an option... oh well.  I'm getting used to be treated this way... .it is just like the BPD all over again. 

Well, I am sorry to hear that, but did you abide by the rules of the forum? I am sure things will get back to normal once you have vented in this thread.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

leew I'm sorry you went through that, I'm starting to think my ex doesn't have BPD as she hasn't come back and most of you people talk about them coming and going.  Mine has been gone three years, I accept its over.  But what bothers me is that, the BPD knows exactly what they're doing, you can't be so smart in trapping or seducing or attaching to someone with out the same thing going on during the end.  What many on this board insinuate is that the BPD has no idea as to what they're doing.  Like they get home from work and they sit there and wonder why you're not calling, they know why.

Leew my father once told me this when I was 16, and again till this day.  If the police ever get involved in a relationship, its over.  I'm sorry to be the bad news guy, it stinks.  But you can't risk getting into trouble with the law, that is something that you don't need.  She knows what she is doing and she wants you so badly to contact her and she can call the police and get all the attention from every family member possible. 

I want to make this clear... to all boarders... .there were no police involved in my relationship with my ex... .but I knew by the way she stonewalled me... .that if I had showed up at her home or work... .there is no doubt she would have called cops.  When someone dumps you, blocks you on social media, and changes their phone number on you, it was enough for me to know it was over.  Its been three years, but again I don't think she is BPD, she has sniffed, seen, or talked to me since.

Driver I have abided by the rules... .many have a hard time on this board accepting that a BPD knows exactly what theyre doing.

[C.Stein]

a BPD knows exactly what theyre doing.

In the case of my ex, she did not always know exactly what she was doing.  I observed this on many occasions, even things that had nothing to do with me or our relationship.  She was simply not aware of the consequences her actions may have.

[Driver]

.but I knew by the way she stonewalled me... .that if I had showed up at her home or work... .there is no doubt she would have called cops.  When someone dumps you, blocks you on social media, and changes their phone number on you, it was enough for me to know it was over.  Its been three years, but again I don't think she is BPD, she has sniffed, seen, or talked to me since.

Driver I have abided by the rules... .many have a hard time on this board accepting that a BPD knows exactly what theyre doing.

Quick questions:

-Why would she hate you? (How do you know she hates you? Did she explicitly tell you?)

-Why did she dump you? (Did she warn you beforehand?)

-Why did she block you? (Did she block you because you tried to reach her?)

-Why did she change her phone number? ':)id you try to phone her? If yes, how often per day?)

-Why would she call the police and/or why would you show up at her place anyway if she decided to break up?

[leew2110]

calling the police while ignoring me when i Was trying to reach out is what she has done each time for 10 year now... well 8 coz the first 2 years were bliss...

when they rang today i was not shocked as she does it each time... its become her routine. i am the devil & painted black.

[leew2110]

if you read all about BPD tho, you will find they do not think they are doing wrong. your either perfect or nothing at all to them.

they paint themselves as the victim to friends yet only those they truly love and are close see the real issues, moods, tempers etc.

so is that a blessing that somewhere deep down you are that close to their heart, or is it a curse and better off just being their friend where its hidden from sight.

which i knew. 10 yr and i am still learning

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

She hates me because she wants nothing to do with me.  She never told me that, but actions speak louder than words.  3 years and no word tells me she doesn't like me.  She never gave me a reason for the break up, just that it was over.  She warned me, in that I could feel it coming.  My whole story is on another thread.  Many people who have been text dumped want to find out why, it would not be uncommon for someone to show up at work or home to find out why.  People should be able to break up and talk not ignore or block or stonewall.

[Driver]

She hates me because she wants nothing to do with me.  She never told me that, but actions speak louder than words.  3 years and no word tells me she doesn't like me.  She never gave me a reason for the break up, just that it was over.  She warned me, in that I could feel it coming.  My whole story is on another thread.  Many people who have been text dumped want to find out why, it would not be uncommon for someone to show up at work or home to find out why.  People should be able to break up and talk not ignore or block or stonewall.

Have you wondered why she wants nothing to do with you? Did she ever explain it to you before dumping you?

How about her changing her phone number? Why do you think she did it?

[leew2110]

thats exactly what mine does Jonathan.

never says she hates me, but will not acknowledge me, reply to me, explain to me.

she just simply goes off... sometimes weeks, once 6 month and last time 3 year.

she does not know the harm she does, people with BPD do not see things the same as others and thats why we struggle to understand the behaviour.

no grey area and mistakes allowed. your with white as snow or black as coal.

and once they paint you black. they wont return till the shame & fear in them finds an excuse to re-engage and maybe start thinking of the nice things you did, or how bad the current love is.

but part of me still believes in her so i keep letting her back in, tho her usual routine when coming back is when she needs help.

[lbjnltx]

This topic has reached it's page limit.

Feel free to continue the discussion in a new thread.