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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I broke NC  (Read 3722 times)
gundam94
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« on: March 11, 2016, 12:49:16 AM »



I broke NC today. I sent my BPD ex gf an email.

I had an accident at work yesterday and I was seriously injured. Making a long story short, as I sat in the ER listening to the doctor tell me not only how close I came to losing 2 fingers but also how close I came to bleeding to death. I guess after I got hurt I passed out. If one of my coworkers hadn't found me when they did, I'm told I probably would've bleed to death.

When the doctor told me that, all I could think of was my ex. So later I sent her an email. I told her what happened. I also told her how much I miss her. How much I still love her. I told her I cry almost every day because we're no longer together. I ended it by telling her to not to reply and so far she hasnt.

I'm upset with myself now. It has already been a very rough week for me. I've been crying a lot more than usual. The emotional pain is becoming almost unbearable. The thought of living the rest of my life withouther by my side terrifies me. I feel lost. I feel empty. I'm terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life….this week, before I got hurt, I have been going downhill very fast. I just want this to end.

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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2016, 02:49:35 AM »

I ended it by telling her to not to reply and so far she hasnt.

I know, it is hard. Hang on.

Why did you do this? Can you explain your motivation for stating this? Why the mail in the first place if you don't want a contact/response?
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gundam94
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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2016, 03:11:12 AM »

I ended it by telling her to not to reply and so far she hasnt.

I know, it is hard. Hang on.

Why did you do this? Can you explain your motivation for stating this? Why the mail in the first place if you don't want a contact/response?

No. No I can't explain it. I can't tell you why I needed to tell her. It's like I did it before I realized what I was doing.

It's been incredibly hard. I'm not going to lie... .as horrible as it sounds, part of me wishes I hadn't made it... .just so all this pain would stop.
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troisette
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« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2016, 04:09:51 AM »

I'm so sorry gundam, for your accident, your emotional and physical pain.

I hope you are not home alone, that you have support. Confronting our mortality is big stuff, I'm not surprised that you reached out to your ex.

Many years ago when I was in therapy, I had a big crisis and phoned my mother for support. She wasn't a supportive or loving mother but I instinctually phoned her. I didn't get the support I craved and felt worse afterwards. My therapist asked me why I phoned her when she had no history of giving me support in hard times.

That brought me up short; realising that I was hard wired to contact her, that it was a repeating pattern. That I was blinkering myself to her failings, still hoping that she would be the nurturing understanding mother I so wanted her to be. When in crisis I reverted to a child needing emotional sustenance - but I went to a dry well.

Does any of that chime with you regarding your ex?

To me, it seems natural that confronted with such a crisis and still grieving your ex, you would reach out to her. So please be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

I'm not sure how long you have been nc or if you are in therapy. It sounds as if you'd benefit from professional support at the moment. Your body, and mind, are probably in shock. This together with your grief is a big package to handle. So please seek emotional support, but from a source who will be able to give it.

Sending good vibes.
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gundam94
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« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2016, 05:14:31 AM »

It's been a month of NC, about 2 months since the relationship ended.

It does chime a little. But I honestly can't say why I needed to tell her. I just needed to let her know I was ok.

I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have a support structure of friends and family in place. But I still feel alone and abandoned.

She was the first person I have ever felt this way about (for those that don't know she dumped me a week before I was going to ask her to marry me). I believed (and still do) that the 2 of us were meant to be. It felt like it was destiny. She was my everything. I knew that as long as I had her, I was going to be ok. Because everything else was just not a big deal anymore. I figured “I found my soul mate now. So no matter what life throws at me I can overcome it because she'll always be there for me and I'll be ok”. Now she's not here anymore and I don't know if I'm going to be ok. I'm afraid. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel dead inside.

I can't put into words how important she was to me, how much I cared about her or how much I loved her. Despite of all that's happened I still have all those feelings. Despite of all she's done, I'd give absolutely anything to have her back. I don't know how to turn that off. When I try, I feel terribly guilty.

Everybody is telling me that I just need time. I desperately want to believe them... .but I don't. I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to get over her and move on. I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to love someone like that again. I'm terrified I'm never going to be able to trust someone again.

I've never had good luck with women. I'm lucky if I get a second or third date. This had been my longest relationship (this was her first). I'm terrified I screwed up my one shot at finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. One of my greatest fears is spending the rest of my life alone.

I am constantly at war with myself. My rational side is telling me that I'm better off, I deserve better and she treated me terribly. That side of me desperately wants to forget all about her and move on. But every other part me is very much madly in love with her. It wants nothing more than to forgive her for everything and get her back.

Every day since she left has been my own living hell. I just want it to stop.

And thank you so very much troisette. I need all the good vibes I can get. I honestly feel like I'm losing control.
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troisette
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« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2016, 06:07:29 AM »

I hear your distress gundum. I send you empathy.

Many years ago I too felt that there was someone that I couldn't live without, that my happiness depended upon them. I understand how devastating it is to be abruptly deprived of them and the acute pain.

This is going to sound trite but the source of a sense of well-being is within ourselves, not handing it over to another who may not value it as they should. It may take time to develop that sense of self-value but it is possible.

It's not surprising that after just a month of nc you still feel raw, your accident and the feelings it brought up in you have stripped your wound bare. But they can be healed, however unlikely that may seem to you today.

Don't underestimate the shock to your system caused by your accident. Is there anything you can do to nurture yourself today? Maybe an emergency call to your therapist? They will understand the despair you are describing here and will help you soothe it.

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C.Stein
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« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2016, 06:23:20 AM »

It's been a month of NC, about 2 months since the relationship ended.

It took me nearly 2 months just to start feeling emotions again after she threw me away.  When they came back it hit me like a freight train.  I understand exactly how you are feeling and how nothing seems right or clear right now, or even really matters.  It is like your entire universe just imploded and you are left a huddled broken mess isolated and alone.  I am so very sorry you have to experience this level of pain.

There is nothing you can do to make the hurt go away except dig in and weather the storm.  Eventually you will start to emerge from the FOG and start seeing things more clearly.  The hurricane of emotions and gut wrenching pain will subside.  Stand tall and believe you can make it through this because I know you can.
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Frustratedbloke
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« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2016, 06:27:32 AM »

Hi

I don't know if it's OK to recommend outside sources, but maybe check out Corey Wayne's book and Youtube videos, he has a lot of wisdom that helped me with the BPD girl and with others.

The fact you don't feel good enough, not getting a second or third date etc, means you're more likely to get another one of these girls.

Mine got me after a business failure when I was feeling low. Your vulnerability and insecurity will attract more of the same. I even told mine I didn't know what she saw in me at the time. Now I understand. They like weak prey, easily manipulated people. Grateful suckers if you want the tough love answer.

Work on yourself, today, right now, and you will do better and attract better. It's a process, but mine ended with me ditching my BPD. She is just not good enough for me anymore and I won't tolerate her BS. In time you might think the same.
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gundam94
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« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2016, 02:31:35 AM »

I took the past few days to try and begin to heal myself again. I cried a lot. I went and stayed with my mother over the weekend, mainly because I didn't want to be alone. It was very nice to have somebody to comfort me as I cried. I couldn't get into see my therapist but I was able to talk to my psychiatrist over the phone.

I also went to the place I volunteer at. For those that don't know I volunteere with kids (between the ages of 6-18), I've been doing that for 5 years and I met my ex there (who still volunteers there). First everybody wanted to know what happened to my hand. After I was done telling my story over and over again, I talked to the director (the lady in charge and she's a friend). Told her how I am no longer able to volunteer there anymore. She is aware of what's been going on. Back when I was trying to save my relationship I went to her (and a few other staff members) looking for advice and answers. I updated her on everything. She said she understood why I have to leave. She thanked me for everything and said it wouldn't be the same without me. All the other staff members said the same thing.

I told the kids. Some cried, which made me cry. I got lots of hugs, even from kids who I didn't think liked me. When I got to the room my ex was in, I got the same reaction from the kids. My ex had a very surprised look on her face and gave me some kind of half-hearted wave goodbye. Which I ignored. The staff member in that room pulled me aside and asked me what's going on. I updated her (She was another one I went to for advice) on me and everything that's happened. My ex conveniently moved closer to us. I told the the staff member about the email I sent my ex. The staff member told me how my ex (she doesn't know who my ex is, nobody there does) doesn't deserve the amount of time I spend thinking of her. I agreed and said that I still love her. Staff member and I talked a little more then I went into the office.

I spent the next hour talking to the ladies in there. They all told me they were sad I was leaving. How it wouldn't be the same. They told me that I'm a great person and I'll find someone better than my ex. They all said they hope I can come back one day and I said that I hope I can. They all told me to call or text them if I ever need anything. I got hugs, said my final goodbyes and I left. My ex never said a word to me, not that I was expecting her too. I did catch her starring at me a few times.

That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My volunteer work was a very important part of my life. But I couldn't continue to go there with my ex there. I did notice something interesting. When I looked at my ex's face, it wasn't the face I remember. It honestly looks like she's been under a ton of stress and these past 2 months have not been kind to her. Part of me feels bad for her.

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« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2016, 10:26:12 AM »

I am sorry you have to step away from your volunteer work, at least while you heal.  Eventually you will get to a place of indifference and perhaps you can go back.  Maybe in the meantime you can find some other worthy cause to volunteer at?

It is good that you have understanding friends with sympathetic ears.  Did it help to talk to all those people about what you are going through?
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gundam94
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« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2016, 11:30:01 AM »

I am sorry you have to step away from your volunteer work, at least while you heal.  Eventually you will get to a place of indifference and perhaps you can go back.  Maybe in the meantime you can find some other worthy cause to volunteer at?

It is good that you have understanding friends with sympathetic ears.  Did it help to talk to all those people about what you are going through?

I hope I can return one day. Those kids are pretty important to me. I am looking for another place to volunteer at but first I want to heal myself.

Yes it does help. I really want to tell them who my ex is (I'm sure some have figured it out) but I think that would not be appropriate. Besides I don't want to be accused of turning people against her. 
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troisette
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« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2016, 11:36:58 AM »

Not only a great person  gundam but brave as well.

Keep on keeping on and I hope your hand heals soon. I think you are on the right path.

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« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2016, 11:48:45 AM »

Yes it does help. I really want to tell them who my ex is (I'm sure some have figured it out) but I think that would not be appropriate. Besides I don't want to be accused of turning people against her. 

This is very noble of you and IMO the right decision.
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gundam94
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« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2016, 12:40:27 PM »

Not only a great person  gundam but brave as well.

Keep on keeping on and I hope your hand heals soon. I think you are on the right path.

Thanks troisette. In the beginning it was simply to make my resume to Police Departments look good. But it turned into me feeling like a father to a lot of them. I'd love to just listen to them. Share my life experience with them. I loved making them laugh. They'd laugh at me when I wouldn't understand what they were talking about (especially when they were talking about what's cool now or whatever they are watching on TV). It turned into the highlight of my day. The best way I can describe it is all the positives of being a parent with very little negative. I gave the poorer kids Christmas and Birthday presents. I spent extra time with kids that were bullied. I have had 3 different kids come up to me and tell me that I was the one who stopped them from killing themselves, just by talking and listening to them. I can't tell you how much that meant to me.

That place became my passion. If I was having a horrible day, just going and volunteering would make everything better. I walked away from 5 years of volunteering. I watched so many kids grow up.

I feel horrible for no longer going. I feel like I abandoned them.

And if everything goes well I should get my stiches out later this week. The desolving ones will take a few weeks to disappear. But it looks like I should make a full recovery. With a little luck I might not even have scars.

Yes it does help. I really want to tell them who my ex is (I'm sure some have figured it out) but I think that would not be appropriate. Besides I don't want to be accused of turning people against her.  

This is very noble of you and IMO the right decision.

Thanks. I will say there has been at least 2 different occasions where they would be talking to me about my ex (saying how horrible what she did was) with my ex in ear shot. I'm not sure if it was talked about when I wasn't their... .but I'd say the probability is very high it was talked about. I spent several late nights, after the kids had left, talking to the ladies there getting advice. One of them was a major factor pushing me to go to a therapist.
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troisette
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« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2016, 03:24:22 PM »

You're a good guy gundam. Remember that. And although you are no longer volunteering, remember also what you did for the kids when you were. Please don't dwell on your feelings of abandoning the kids, but on what you were able to do for them.

We are responsible for ourselves and you couldn't avoid an untenable situation for your well being, you made the right decision.

Remember what I said about self worth - well, three kids telling you that you stopped them attempting suicide is a solid foundation for self worth - please concentrate on the positives you achieved, please don't beat yourself up for not being able to continue. You have to look after yourself, no shame in that.

Take care.   to you.
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gundam94
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« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2016, 03:05:49 AM »

You're a good guy gundam. Remember that. And although you are no longer volunteering, remember also what you did for the kids when you were. Please don't dwell on your feelings of abandoning the kids, but on what you were able to do for them.

We are responsible for ourselves and you couldn't avoid an untenable situation for your well being, you made the right decision.

Remember what I said about self worth - well, three kids telling you that you stopped them attempting suicide is a solid foundation for self worth - please concentrate on the positives you achieved, please don't beat yourself up for not being able to continue. You have to look after yourself, no shame in that.

Take care.   to you.

I'm going to try and remember that. It gets really difficult sometimes.

I honestly feel like I'm the embodiment of the saying "Nice guys finish last".
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gotbushels
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« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2016, 04:29:57 AM »

Remember what I said about self worth - well, three kids telling you that you stopped them attempting suicide is a solid foundation for self worth - please concentrate on the positives you achieved, please don't beat yourself up for not being able to continue.

Well done gundam94.

Unlike relationships, a place where you volunteer might not be available to you now. But in the future when things are looking better for you, I'm sure they will be happy to have you perform your good works. Take heart!

For your volunteering, it sounds like you're proud of that experience. It is a selfless act to give time to children like that, irrespective of your first intention. 5 years is a long time.

You mentioned that you felt paternal toward them. Why did you feel that way? Is there something about their experiences that touched you? What kinds of feelings did you personally experience?
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gundam94
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« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2016, 05:54:34 AM »

Remember what I said about self worth - well, three kids telling you that you stopped them attempting suicide is a solid foundation for self worth - please concentrate on the positives you achieved, please don't beat yourself up for not being able to continue.

Well done gundam94.

Unlike relationships, a place where you volunteer might not be available to you now. But in the future when things are looking better for you, I'm sure they will be happy to have you perform your good works. Take heart!

For your volunteering, it sounds like you're proud of that experience. It is a selfless act to give time to children like that, irrespective of your first intention. 5 years is a long time.

You mentioned that you felt paternal toward them. Why did you feel that way? Is there something about their experiences that touched you? What kinds of feelings did you personally experience?

Thank you. I am very proud of my volunteer work.

It's hard to explain really. I've always been able to get along with kids better than people my own age. The best way I can describe it is I treat them as equals. Don't get me wrong if it comes time where I have to be the adult, I will be. But I am just a big kid a heart. I goof around, I don't take anything to seriously (except when it's required), I take a genuine interest in them. I didn't feel like a dad or brother to all of them. Just the ones that I ended up helping the most. But I have no idea how I do it. I have no idea how or why I can connect with them so easily.

I spent most of my time in the art room. Not because I'm an artists person, it was just the quietest and "calm" room there and well... .because I could sit down. And because the lady that ran the art room ended up becoming like a grandma to me (the same lady my ex has known since she was 7 and is more of a mother to my ex them her real mother). Since I was in the art room, I mostly interacted with girls. It took some time to earn trust with the kids, but once I did I became very popular. The kids were always happy to see me and I was always happy to see them.

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gotbushels
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« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2016, 07:10:36 AM »

Smiling (click to insert in post) It's wonderful that you are getting along very well with the kids.

If it's alright with you, I don't want to share my experience right now so we can focus on what you get.

What do you feel when you take an interest in them?

How do you feel when you're in the art room?

Is there a particular feeling you get when you are with that lady?
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gundam94
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« Reply #19 on: March 15, 2016, 07:59:59 AM »

Smiling (click to insert in post) It's wonderful that you are getting along very well with the kids.

If it's alright with you, I don't want to share my experience right now so we can focus on what you get.

What do you feel when you take an interest in them?

How do you feel when you're in the art room?

Is there a particular feeling you get when you are with that lady?

So I have to ask. What's with the questions?
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gotbushels
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« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2016, 11:33:57 AM »

Lol no worries. Sure.

You can think of your heart and mind as two soldiers. Buddies. If your heart isn't feeling too good, your mind can step in for the purpose of looking out for your heart. This is what this exploration does.

Here are four things why its helpful to explore this.

First, I asked you about something you seem to really love doing. Coincidentally, I have a similar experience. I can relate. Relating helps hearts heal.

For my example, I volunteered with children. Fulfilling the role as support for them helps me feel happy, wanted, and appreciated. Why? It's aligned with supporting the community I believe in supporting. That's important to me. Why? Underprivileged children have played a role in my life and I gain satisfaction by providing valuable support for them.

Second, when we look into those things, we can understand them better as part of the process. Feelings are an important in that process. Therefore, I naturally asked you for three different ways you feel with the three questions I just posted you.

For example, I think of the impact on specific students (I got letters from some). I think of their dreams. I think of what things I taught them will have a role in helping them to achieve that. One of my favourites (yes obviously they didn't know who wasn't a favourite) wanted to be a doctor. I taught math and physics. Both of these will contribute to her relevant high school exams. Even if I'm a small contributor compared to her form teachers, that's okay with me.

Third, understanding leads to relief and its associated thought processes.

For example, it relieves me that I have other things going on in my life. It relieves me when I know my efforts are successful and beneficial to people I care about. I matter to people that matter to me.

If my heart isn't doing well, I can consider situations that I know make me happy. In this case, contribution (benefit of being specific with emotions).

Fourth, we tend to do things without knowing what's useful about them. We can unlock those and get creative with getting our wants filled.

In your example: feeling connected to people, being a father figure, being a brother figure, being an adult figure. All these seem to be part of that for you. This seems to be part of a picture of healthy living for you.

Specific feelings can help show more effective action. We get rewarded for what we put in.

From there, while the volunteering path may not be available right now, it makes sense to put yourself in similar environments as that seems to be both what is safe and helpful to you.

For me, I like being appreciated when I teach. It makes me happy. I can go do that. I know munchkins are hard sometimes--putting in isn't always fun or easy. I put in: I can go visit my relatives that are below 16. I can help them with things. I've put in: I know for me I work well with young adults. I put in: I can go be in a teaching environment for 16-25 year olds.  You owe it to yourself, so put in. Lousy day at work? No problem, I think of my students to get out of bed. Teachers on strike? Have a shower. Create. Explore. I can do better. I can teach privately. Put in. Do I need this for me today? No problem, I can help people in the process. Put in.

Does that answer your question? Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2016, 01:04:42 PM »

so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I am struggling to maintain NC. It is driving me crazy... .the pain, the resentment... .I am not sure how to make this end.

I am swamped with so many things to do (work, baby... ) but all I can do is think of what is the right thing to do.

This is hard for sure. I hope you are able to deal with the pain separation brings and are able to make decisions that help you heal too.

Sending a lot of positive thoughts your way!
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« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2016, 01:31:06 PM »

gotbushels: Thanks. That makes a lot of sense now. I'm really torn when it comes to my memories of my volunteer work. Because I only did it a year before I met my ex. We became fast friends and did a lot together in the art room. So most of my memories have her in it. So my escape has become my poison.

I have been talking to the Director of the place I volunteer at. They have another location in the next city. The Director told me if I wanted to volunteer their, they would be more then happy to have me. And the Director said she'd give me a great reference.

Hopeful: It really is very painful. I struggle every day. She never replied to my email, so she did listen to my request. But when I did see her in person she never said anything to me. We did make eye contact a few times and she looked... .she looked terrible. It looked like she hasn't been sleeping, been under a ton of stress. She looked like the past month has not been kind to her. But when I told the kids in the art room that it was my last day, my ex gave me a very confused and shocked look.

I've been talking to some of the ladies I work with. They told me it sounds like she might have realized she made a mistake. The whole "you don't know what you had till its gone" thing. Which scares me because I don't know if I'd be able to say no to her if she comes back.
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« Reply #23 on: March 15, 2016, 02:18:24 PM »

Hope the volunteer work you love doing is something you can continue doing. I wish it all works out. I know we will all get through the sorrows of broken relationship even though it seems like that is impossible right now. I am trying hard to keep my eyes on the silver lining. I had really made myself very vulnerable in this relationship. I am trying to convince myself that it is supposed to be this hard and it will get better.
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« Reply #24 on: March 15, 2016, 08:57:33 PM »

gundam94 no worries.

Your thoughts will naturally gravitate toward your ex if she occupied a certain X hours in your day. It's normal to be constantly at war with yourself, especially with your story.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I had an ex that was involved in areas of my life, like your volunteering. It helped me to quarantine all that away when I did my NC there. It felt good and right. It felt easier too.

What else do you have in your life that is important to you besides volunteering?

If you guys got back together, you'd both be starting from positions of weakness. Not healthy. If she wasn't BP it's also not good for mutual respect. Feeling sorry for our exes and thinking of taking them back is normal.

What were the key reasons why you decided to go NC with her? Did you write it down? I wrote mine down and it helped me a lot.

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« Reply #25 on: March 16, 2016, 12:27:36 AM »

gundam94 no worries.

Your thoughts will naturally gravitate toward your ex if she occupied a certain X hours in your day. It's normal to be constantly at war with yourself, especially with your story.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I had an ex that was involved in areas of my life, like your volunteering. It helped me to quarantine all that away when I did my NC there. It felt good and right. It felt easier too.

What else do you have in your life that is important to you besides volunteering?

If you guys got back together, you'd both be starting from positions of weakness. Not healthy. If she wasn't BP it's also not good for mutual respect. Feeling sorry for our exes and thinking of taking them back is normal.

What were the key reasons why you decided to go NC with her? Did you write it down? I wrote mine down and it helped me a lot.

That's kinda the sad thing... .the most important things in my life (besides like family) was my volunteer work and the 3 kids that ended up becoming like little sisters to me. Later when I met my ex , she went to the top of that list.

The reasons why I went NC? Well the fact that I wouldn't be able to get over her and move on if I stayed her "best friend" as she puts it. Also she broke my heart. Why would I want to stay in her life? Also because I read one of the best ways to get an ex back is to go NC.

Later after I found out the truth about everything, it was because she lied to me, cheated on me and hurt me.
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« Reply #26 on: March 16, 2016, 01:17:25 AM »

The biggest problem I have right now is hope. I still hope in the future she will come back to me. I want that hope to die.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #27 on: March 16, 2016, 04:20:10 AM »

Later after I found out the truth about everything, it was because she lied to me, cheated on me and hurt me.

Sounds like the beginnings of three strikes.
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« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2016, 05:12:42 AM »

Later after I found out the truth about everything, it was because she lied to me, cheated on me and hurt me.

Sounds like the beginnings of three strikes.

What do you mean?

I've been crying a lot today. Today is one of those days where I can't stop thinking about her.
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« Reply #29 on: March 16, 2016, 06:05:55 AM »

Three strikes is a way of counting her negatives that are meaningful to you. Some people use that to keep track.
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