Contact: The Nearly Zero Chance Happened

[C.Stein]

So is there anything you can do to help yourself process this in the most healing way possible?

Prepare for all possibilities before reading.

Also, if I were to print it, and use pen to discect it, it could help me to be in an analytical state of mind vs purely emotional, so that I can ease into coping with the emotions at a slower pace.

It is likely I will dissect it in a response, sent or not.   Heck, for all I know she could be reading this thread.

Have you thought about anything you may need to prepare and care for yourself?

I'm doing it now in this thread with y'alls help.   

[Sunfl0wer]

So is there anything you can do to help yourself process this in the most healing way possible?

Prepare for all possibilities before reading.

Also, if I were to print it, and use pen to discect it, it could help me to be in an analytical state of mind vs purely emotional, so that I can ease into coping with the emotions at a slower pace.

It is likely I will dissect it in a response, sent or not.   Heck, for all I know she could be reading this thread.

Have you thought about anything you may need to prepare and care for yourself?

I'm doing it now in this thread with y'alls help.   

Please do not take this the wrong way... .

Your above response has me feeling your focus is on her, what she wrote, or is possibly doing.

I think it may be more helpful... .

My suggestions were about bringing the focus onto to you, loving and caring for you.

During my relationship... .

My auto-responses were to abandon myself, and whirlwind into the latest crisis mode... .to put myself in his shoes.  Then my feet would get raw from the walking... .yet I didn't notice until his crisis was down.

I am trying to communicate to you the importance of keeping your own shoes on your feet while you read and process this experience.  Please do not abandon your shoes and leave your feet bare to consider what it is like to be her.

Does that make sense?

This is not about her!  (Well, it is kind of)

(While you will be digesting her experience, maintain your OWN experience)

This is about you!

[stimpy]

Penelope 35

In reply/b]

She may respond to such an email from C.Stein for many other reasons other than being genuine. If for example she is trying to recycle,her abandonment fears may be triggered by such a response and will probably continue with more.

This is worrying about her reaction, and letting it affect your behaviour to such an extent that you are not stating your needs, for fear of upsetting the pwBPD. This is walking on eggshells. She is probably testing boundaries and looking for an ego boost. Very dangerous territory. By reading the email after all that has happened means that a key boundary has been crossed and for her, all she had to do was send an email. That is why I would ping back and state your boundary. The boundary is that you don't want communication that hurts you.

[/i]

In any case I don't think he should allow the ball back in her court... .That's kind of dangerous for any of us to allow.

In that case just delete the email and don't read it. But C.Stein is not of that mind set, and wants to see what the email contains, but appears to be fearful of the content. That is why I would put it back to her, to think about what she has written, and for C,Stein to state his boundary. The boundary being, I don't want to be hurt.

He is not in any way obligated to respond

I didn't say he was, I just said what I would do.

Just my opinion (coming from someone who keeps answering and keeps getting more hurt every time, no matter how genuine my ex's emails seem).



So why do you keep on answering?[/b]

[lunchbox123]

I have gone back and read what you sent her.

First of all, I now understand why you have so many hours into these emails. They're a work of art.

However, there's nothing for me that springs to mind that could be a logical response. Your email had so many mixed topics and messages that it's a wild guess. On one hand you said you loved her, but on the other you said she's dead to you now.

Maybe she wants to reconcile? Maybe she wants to admit you were right and wish you the best of luck? Maybe she wants to lash out and hurt you with something?

In all honesty though, as long as you have made up your mind on whether you would take her back or not, then it doesn't matter what she sent you. She may be out to hurt you but what's it gonna do to you if you know she's a sick and twisted individual?

You said before, you went from being in a room with a thousand doors to being in a room with two. I think in the months that has passed, you've found yourself in a room with only one door and opening this email will allow you to walk through it.

[Conundrum]

Embracing core autheticity means perceiving clearly that despite trepidation this both strokes our ego, triggers dormant dependence elements, and excites. Keep in mind that these metaphysical relational chess games include opening moves, counters, deductive reasoning, and sleepless nights. After reading the communique I hope you find peace or a wry sense of balance.

[Penelope35]

Penelope 35

In reply/b]

She may respond to such an email from C.Stein for many other reasons other than being genuine. If for example she is trying to recycle,her abandonment fears may be triggered by such a response and will probably continue with more.

This is worrying about her reaction, and letting it affect your behaviour to such an extent that you are not stating your needs, for fear of upsetting the pwBPD. This is walking on eggshells. She is probably testing boundaries and looking for an ego boost. Very dangerous territory. By reading the email after all that has happened means that a key boundary has been crossed and for her, all she had to do was send an email. That is why I would ping back and state your boundary. The boundary is that you don't want communication that hurts you.

[/i]

In any case I don't think he should allow the ball back in her court... .That's kind of dangerous for any of us to allow.

In that case just delete the email and don't read it. But C.Stein is not of that mind set, and wants to see what the email contains, but appears to be fearful of the content. That is why I would put it back to her, to think about what she has written, and for C,Stein to state his boundary. The boundary being, I don't want to be hurt.

He is not in any way obligated to respond

I didn't say he was, I just said what I would do.

Just my opinion (coming from someone who keeps answering and keeps getting more hurt every time, no matter how genuine my ex's emails seem).



So why do you keep on answering?[/b]

I just think that in the case he decides not to read it, there is no need to send anything to acknowledge her reaching out or to say that he won't read it.  I didn't think you said he was obligated to respond at all   It was just my thoughts that I put down. As far as your question about why I keep answering, I guess I am not strong enough to read and ignore yet. But I m hoping that C.Stein will handle this better than I do.

[Isa_lala]

Hi C.Stein

So what a news! What will you do? I would surely read it if I were in your shoes ! I would be too curious. But I would take some precautions. Either read it with someone or at least having someone in the same room, to be able to share your emotions after... .

Let us know!

[C.Stein]

I am trying to communicate to you the importance of keeping your own shoes on your feet while you read and process this experience.

I can assure you there will be no inappropriate shoe wearing.  She chose to walk away from me the day after she betrayed my trust.  Those shoes are hers to wear and hers alone.

This is worrying about her reaction, and letting it affect your behaviour to such an extent that you are not stating your needs, for fear of upsetting the pwBPD. This is walking on eggshells. She is probably testing boundaries and looking for an ego boost. Very dangerous territory. By reading the email after all that has happened means that a key boundary has been crossed and for her, all she had to do was send an email. That is why I would ping back and state your boundary. The boundary is that you don't want communication that hurts you.

There will be no more eggshell walking.  I stopped walking on eggshells when I wrote the email she responded to.  I don't however think this is boundary testing because I have set no such boundary with her.  The choice is mine to read or not read and if there is a boundary being broken I am the one breaking it.

In that case just delete the email and don't read it. But C.Stein is not of that mind set, and wants to see what the email contains, but appears to be fearful of the content. That is why I would put it back to her, to think about what she has written, and for C,Stein to state his boundary. The boundary being, I don't want to be hurt.

Reading the email, or even reading and replying does not necessarily put the ball in her court.  She knows I don't want to be hurt anymore.  I highly doubt her intent here is to hurt me, that doesn't mean it won't.  This is mostly because she is at times unaware/incapable of seeing how her behavior/actions impact others.  This is especially true when strong emotions are involved.  I don't so much fear the content of the message as I do the emotions the message might raise.  This discussion is intended to lay down some anchor lines.

You are correct I do want to see what she has to say, especially given how she acted towards me in the end.  At the very least she owes me an apology, which I never got, not in the relationship nor after.  Even if it is not genuine it is something I would like to hear.

In all honesty though, as long as you have made up your mind on whether you would take her back or not, then it doesn't matter what she sent you. She may be out to hurt you but what's it gonna do to you if you know she's a sick and twisted individual?

I have not entertained any thoughts of reconciliation during this preparation.  If she is lashing out to hurt me then it will make it easier to let it all go, not harder.

You said before, you went from being in a room with a thousand doors to being in a room with two. I think in the months that has passed, you've found yourself in a room with only one door and opening this email will allow you to walk through it.

I'm no longer in the room, I'm in the dead space between hope/denial and acceptance, slowly moving towards acceptance.

Embracing core autheticity means perceiving clearly that despite trepidation this both strokes our ego, triggers dormant dependence elements, and excites. Keep in mind that these metaphysical relational chess games include opening moves, counters, deductive reasoning, and sleepless nights. After reading the communique I hope you find peace or a wry sense of balance.

A good point and are issues I am trying to get a handle on before I sit down at the chess game.

I just think that in the case he decides not to read it, there is no need to send anything to acknowledge her reaching out or to say that he won't read it.  I didn't think you said he was obligated to respond at all    It was just my thoughts that I put down. As far as your question about why I keep answering, I guess I am not strong enough to read and ignore yet. But I m hoping that C.Stein will handle this better than I do.

I don't feel obligated to respond in any way or even obligated to read it.   Make no mistake though, the rose colored glasses are off and the eggshells have been crushed to dust.  This email may simply be her trying to clear her conscious, which is a very good possibility, but also incredibly selfish, thoughtless and cold-hearted. 

So what a news! What will you do? I would surely read it if I were in your shoes ! I would be too curious. But I would take some precautions. Either read it with someone or at least having someone in the same room, to be able to share your emotions after... .

Let us know!

Yes Isa, very unexpected, although I always knew there was an small chance she might reach out at some point.

This site has been my "someone" during this whole ordeal ... .and her ghost that I can't seem to get out of my head and heart.

[tryingsome]

C. Stein, I think you are in a pretty good place. Shouldn't be in harm in reading; but only you know for certain.

My hunch is the email will be pretty indifferent for the most part. Kind of like things never happened.

However, there will be slight tinges that if presumed would seem to be apologetic or emphatic.

Don't read too much into the 'hooks'.

And for those wishing to reconnect, this is where you show how 'indifferent' you are; like life is treating you good.

pwBPD like a confident mate. This email reaching out will be a test of that; or whether you fall back into your codependent traits.

It's pretty easy to reconnect to a pwBPD. Just be the person you were before you met; but that is also the hard part as you have already been emotional abused... .

[Learning Fast]

C. Stein,

Ok---there have many opinions voiced in this thread from both sides of the aisle and beyond---just read the d*** thing!  Now I'm as worked up as you are  and I'm not even the recipient!

LF

[C.Stein]

Ok---there have many opinions voiced in this thread from both sides of the aisle and beyond---just read the d*** thing!  Now I'm as worked up as you are  and I'm not even the recipient!

  Deep breaths LF, Deep breaths.

[once removed]

boy, c stein. i really admire your patience and self control. the longer youre able to put off reading it, the better prepared you are, the more centered you are, and i think, the better youll react.

i want to add speculation to the speculation: theres a chance this email may be surprisingly anti climatic and/or confusing.

i did expect contact from my ex - some long detailed apology. i didnt get that, i got two facebook friend requests that were quickly rescinded. theres a lot of possibilities, any of what has been mentioned, but it could be less direct, more  

i guess what im saying is, not that there is any guarantee, but also prepare for the idea that this communication may provide more questions than answers.

whatever the case, as others have said, we are here to support you. youre doing great all ready, though i can imagine what receiving the email alone has put you through.

[jhkbuzz]

It really boggles my mind how deeply this woman has impacted me.

There are a lot of parallels between your story and mine. My ex was a waif, she had lots of wonderful qualities, and during the r/s she turned into someone I couldn't recognize (which was disconcerting as hell when it happened at the 4 year mark; I felt like I had lost the ground beneath me).

Our r/s ended a year and a half ago. The first year was pretty much hell on wheels; moving out of the home we had shared helped immeasurably. The other thing that helped was getting into therapy as the r/s was ending.

I'm doing much better these days, but there are still places that I am "stuck" - even though I want to forgive and move forward. One of the big ones is her betrayal (cheating) - I can't seem to get over the indignation; the hurt and the deeply felt anger. I want to let go of it but I'm struggling. Even though, intellectually, I understand her (significant) mental health issues.

This is what I've just started scratching the surface of with my T; that she is a stand-in. Although what she did was sh**ty, my intense feelings about it are really a reflection of older betrayals from my childhood. If you had told me this a year and a half ago, I would have scoffed. But it's true.

What's also true is that I've often thought your very words: It really boggles my mind how deeply this woman has impacted me. What I'm learning is that she has served as a trigger that has pointed me towards these festering wounds I've lived with for a very long time. When I come out on the other side, I suspect I will be glad that I met her if for no other reason that knowing her has spurred me to deal with these wounds in myself.

I don't know if you're ready to read the letter. Perhaps the fact that you are conflicted is a clue that you aren't ready. Maybe pick a date in the future?... .a month from now, two months from now - to check in with yourself to see if you're ready. I was sometimes surprised and what a difference a month or two could make (in terms of how I was feeling about everything).

[C.Stein]

boy, c stein. i really admire your patience and self control. the longer youre able to put off reading it, the better prepared you are, the more centered you are, and i think, the better youll react.

I have been sitting on it for about a week.  I do feel better prepared emotionally although I know I will never really be fully prepared for what is most likely in that email.  I am almost tempted to just construct my own version of what she said but at this point I think maybe ripping the scab off is the only way to move forward regardless of how painful it might be.  I still find myself with tears in my eyes on multiple occasions every day for no apparent reason.  Apparently I am still dealing with a lot of residual pain even if I feel much better than I did 4 months ago.

i guess what im saying is, not that there is any guarantee, but also prepare for the idea that this communication may provide more questions than answers.

Yea, unfortunately this is one possible scenario.  The more I think about it and the timing of the email the more I am beginning to believe she is looking to clear her conscious.  Given that likelihood, this email could contain information that will cut me deep ... .again.  This is what I need to prepare for.

It really boggles my mind how deeply this woman has impacted me.

There are a lot of parallels between your story and mine. My ex was a waif, she had lots of wonderful qualities, and during the r/s she turned into someone I couldn't recognize (which was disconcerting as hell when it happened at the 4 year mark; I felt like I had lost the ground beneath me).

Yes, exactly.  When she betrayed my trust and then did nothing to repair the damage I completely lost the ground under my feet and didn't really recognize her anymore.  This was incredibly difficult for me to deal with.  As a result I essentially shut down emotionally becoming withdrawn, distant and depressed.  The woman I was in love with had essentially become a stranger and she simply couldn't see what she had done to me.

I'm doing much better these days, but there are still places that I am "stuck" - even though I want to forgive and move forward. One of the big ones is her betrayal (cheating) - I can't seem to get over the indignation; the hurt and the deeply felt anger. I want to let go of it but I'm struggling. Even though, intellectually, I understand her (significant) mental health issues.

I am also doing somewhat better but the likely affair, which she will almost certainly deny happened, is without a doubt the most difficult and damaging thing she did.  Of all the things she did this hurts the most.  The thought of her cultivating and building an emotional bond with another man while she watched me drown in the pain and depression she had caused still tears me apart to this day.

What's also true is that I've often thought your very words: It really boggles my mind how deeply this woman has impacted me. What I'm learning is that she has served as a trigger that has pointed me towards these festering wounds I've lived with for a very long time. When I come out on the other side, I suspect I will be glad that I met her if for no other reason that knowing her has spurred me to deal with these wounds in myself.

I don't think I have any childhood betrayals that I can think of, but I have been cheated on by several different woman I have allowed myself to fall in love with.  I believe we did talk about this early on, especially after her implied threats to cheat on me, but she reassured me this was something she would never do.  This makes an emotional/physical affair by her 1000x more damaging and would explain why this has impacted me so deeply.  I had numerous "gut instincts" and many red flags that I questioned but always ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt and trusting her.  The betrayal of trust has been equally difficult to come to terms with.  This is also the first time in my life I have ever been physically impacted by emotional damage.

I don't know if you're ready to read the letter. Perhaps the fact that you are conflicted is a clue that you aren't ready. Maybe pick a date in the future?... .a month from now, two months from now - to check in with yourself to see if you're ready. I was sometimes surprised and what a difference a month or two could make (in terms of how I was feeling about everything).

I don't feel there will ever be a time when I am truly prepared.  Even when I reach a state of indifference, if she "comes clean" in this email it will still hurt.  Certainly not as bad but it still will.

[blackbirdsong]

To be honest, I believe you already gave her too much power over you. Just by thinking so much about this... .

"Should I read it?"

"When should I read it?"

... .

Whatever is in there, shouldn't impact you so much... .

Even if there are two extreme points: either she is validating your feelings or either she made up some excuse to contact you so that you can validate her feelings... .

It doesn't matter.

You are holding the key of your recovery... . 

[C.Stein]

To be honest, I believe you already gave her too much power over you. Just by thinking so much about this... .

"Should I read it?"

"When should I read it?"

I know it seems like that but I haven't really thought about it that much outside this thread.  I am however still having conversations with her in my head, but then I was before I got the email.

Whatever is in there, shouldn't impact you so much... .

Even if there are two extreme points: either she is validating your feelings or either she made up some excuse to contact you so that you can validate her feelings... .

It doesn't matter.

You are holding the key of your recovery... .

You are absolutely correct!   

[Reforming]

Hi C. Stein

I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling and to what the other members have shared.

After over a year of NC with my ex I got an unsolicited text from her. For a while it totally floored me.

I didn't respond, but her words burrowed into my heart and kept me stuck even longer.

Deep down I wanted to believe that she still loved me.

For her to acknowledge that she'd made a terrible mistake.

For her to want to make it all right.

The thing is - her words were just words. She might have believed them for a moment, a day or even a week, but her feelings were fleeting and driven by her own needs

Words can be very seductive but they don't change anything. We're not defined by what we say - we're defined by what we do

The best of luck either way.

Reforming

[WoundedBibi]

Apart from having every faith in you that you can handle this, I know there will be a lot of members biting their nails this weekend. Waiting for the opening and revealing of the email. Never going far from their devices or computers so they won't miss it. It's like waiting for the new season of The Walking Dead  

[C.Stein]

Deep down I wanted to believe that she still loved me.

For her to acknowledge that she'd made a terrible mistake.

For her to want to make it all right.

Yes, Yes and Yes.  I think this is what we all want(ed) on some level from our ex's that threw us away.  I would be lying if I said I don't still love her on some level, even if the number of I hate you's that have passed my lips over the past three months cannot be counted.  I say the words but I don't feel the hate.  Anger, yes, but not hate.  Very confusing.

The thing is - her words were just words. She might have believed them for a moment, a day or even a week, but her feelings were fleeting and driven by her own needs

Sad but probably true.  I always felt this overwhelming need within her, a need to be seen as a good person by others, perhaps because she doesn't feel like she is a good person (which is generally not true).  She needs that validation because she can't provide it for herself.   I also believe this is what drives much of her inability to accept responsibility for her hurtful actions and consequences of.

Words can be very seductive but they don't change anything. We're not defined by what we say - we're defined by what we do

Yes they can be and that was a big problem in our relationship.  Her promises and words weren't backed up with actions in the most important cases.  This effectively kept me and the relationship in a very unstable state, always wondering when the other shoe would drop.  Living with this fear generated a great deal of anxiety and stress within me.  In some ways I think this is where she wanted me to be ... .always in fear of the other shoe.

Apart from having every faith in you that you can handle this, I know there will be a lot of members biting their nails this weekend. Waiting for the opening and revealing of the email. Never going far from their devices or computers so they won't miss it. It's like waiting for the new season of The Walking Dead  

If I choose to discuss it here I will open a new thread.  There is a limit to how much I will share even if it is anonymous.  

[jhkbuzz]

What's also true is that I've often thought your very words: It really boggles my mind how deeply this woman has impacted me. What I'm learning is that she has served as a trigger that has pointed me towards these festering wounds I've lived with for a very long time. When I come out on the other side, I suspect I will be glad that I met her if for no other reason that knowing her has spurred me to deal with these wounds in myself.

I don't think I have any childhood betrayals that I can think of, but I have been cheated on by several different woman I have allowed myself to fall in love with.  I believe we did talk about this early on, especially after her implied threats to cheat on me, but she reassured me this was something she would never do.  This makes an emotional/physical affair by her 1000x more damaging and would explain why this has impacted me so deeply.  I had numerous "gut instincts" and many red flags that I questioned but always ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt and trusting her.  The betrayal of trust has been equally difficult to come to terms with.  This is also the first time in my life I have ever been physically impacted by emotional damage.

I'm sorry to hear that - I lived for four years with the (situational) depression, anxiety and the stress of being in a r/s with someone who is unstable.  I feel fortunate to have escaped without physical repercussions. Stress can (and does) make people physically sick in many ways.

The fact that you have been involved with multiple women who have cheated on you suggests a pattern that you may want to examine more closely.

When I began therapy, I said that, overall, I appreciated that my parents provided us with a stable home - and in many ways I still appreciate it. They remained married, my mom stayed home and raised us, and we never had any serious financial worries. My parents, though imperfect, did the best they could. That was my story, and I was stickin' to it.

A year and a half into therapy and I recognize that my story has many shades of grey. There were several betrayals that wounded me deeply as a child - and that continue to have an impact on my adulthood. I'll share one with you (and should probably also share that I'm a bisexual woman or you'll get confused with all the pronoun switches! )

My dad was a nice, easy going guy who was hit once - once - by an uncle as he was growing up (for disrespecting his mother when he was an older teen). Conversely, my mom was an intense, anxious and often raging woman who hit us repeatedly as we were growing up - often a slap in the face out of no where (even as toddlers); while at other times we were hit with a metal spoon.

"So what?" I used to think. "Lots of kids get hit. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't a super-huge deal. What she did wasn't severe. No blood, no broken bones."

Whenever I think about my childhood, I always think about my mom - she was the dominant force, the one who disciplined us, the one to be feared, the one to be reckoned with. But over the past year I've started thinking a lot more about my dad.

Where exactly was he? How did he watch without ever intervening, even though he was raised without physical punishment? What kind of man watches his children get beat and doesn't step in? The conclusion that I came to when I was a child is that he loved her more; that I wasn't worth defending; that I was on my own in figuring out how to deal with her physical raging because I couldn't turn to him for help. This, through the eyes of a child, is betrayal and abandonment - not to mention a pretty big self esteem killer.

Is it any wonder that for most of my life I've viewed men as unreliable and only concerned with what they need, not with what I might need? That my romantic r/s's with men often fill me with anxiety - and that I've been single for long stretches of my adulthood as a result? This is part of what my childhood taught me about men - and I didn't even recognize it as a betrayal until recently. Until I became uncomfortable with my inability to let go of my ex's betrayal. I've let go of many other things from the r/s - but not the betrayal. I'm learning that there are reasons for that - and I'm uncovering them through therapy.

I'm not trying to insist that you were betrayed as a child. I'm only trying to point out that the things that I'm still struggling with a year and a half after the r/s ended are things that actually have little to do with my ex anymore. My ex has become a "pointer" to wounds in me that existed long before we met.

I don't know if you're ready to read the letter. Perhaps the fact that you are conflicted is a clue that you aren't ready. Maybe pick a date in the future?... .a month from now, two months from now - to check in with yourself to see if you're ready. I was sometimes surprised and what a difference a month or two could make (in terms of how I was feeling about everything).

I don't feel there will ever be a time when I am truly prepared.  Even when I reach a state of indifference, if she "comes clean" in this email it will still hurt.  Certainly not as bad but it still will.

It isn't true that there will never be a time that you can read the letter without pain. I feel fairly certain that if I received an email from my ex today that it wouldn't throw me for a loop.  It would have 6 months or a year ago, when I didn't recognize that some (some) of the pain I was feeling was an ancient pain that was rising up in me - and honestly had nothing to do with anyone else.

[C.Stein]

The fact that you have been involved with multiple women who have cheated on you suggests a pattern that you may want to examine more closely.

Yes.  It was mostly due to immaturity and poor choices.  I have come a long way since those days (decades ago).

A year and a half into therapy and I recognize that my story has many shades of grey. There were several betrayals that wounded me deeply as a child - and that continue to have an impact on my adulthood. I'll share one with you (and should probably also share that I'm a bisexual woman or you'll get confused with all the pronoun switches! )

I can see where you are coming from on this and can relate somewhat.  Corporal punishment was a part of my early childhood, although I don't really attach any lasting emotional impact to it.  One parent doled out the punishment the other didn't.  Your situation was different where your mom was being abusive while your dad stood by.  I might posit that perhaps your dad was fearful of your mom raging on him so he kept silent?  It wasn't an issue of who he loved more but rather an issue of who he feared more.  Something to consider.  

It isn't true that there will never be a time that you can read the letter without pain. I feel fairly certain that if I received an email from my ex today that it wouldn't throw me for a loop.  It would have 6 months or a year ago, when I didn't recognize that some (some) of the pain I was feeling was an ancient pain that was rising up in me - and honestly had nothing to do with anyone else.

Yea, I don't know.  I think about past relationships that I now am indifferent about which at the time got hurt badly by.  In those cases I don't think it would emotionally impact me at all to find out things that would have hurt me badly back then.  That said, I also didn't open myself to those women like I did with my recent ex, with exception to maybe one of them.

[WoundedBibi]

jhkbuzz, wow... You're so describing the start of where I think I'm at... I too was focused on my dominant mum who would slap and who was always so so angry I could sense it and only recently I've started to think about the role of my dad. Soft, gentle, anxious, emotionally immature and either absent through work or when present somehow not part of the family unit.

[WoundedBibi]

If I choose to discuss it here I will open a new thread.  There is a limit to how much I will share even if it is anonymous.  

Gosh no, I don't mean for you to copy the email here... It's more of a 'I can almost feel the suspense' comment. Maybe because a lot of us have not received an email so there is curiosity what a pwBPD could possibly say at this point, plus concern how you will handle reading it, the content, the aftermath etc, plus perhaps some here might hope through you happy endings are still an option.

But by all means, it's a private conversation between her and you.

[jhkbuzz]

The fact that you have been involved with multiple women who have cheated on you suggests a pattern that you may want to examine more closely.

Yes.  It was mostly due to immaturity and poor choices.  I have come a long way since those days (decades ago).

... .except that you appear to have been involved with another woman who has cheated on you    No condemnation here, just pointing it out.

A year and a half into therapy and I recognize that my story has many shades of grey. There were several betrayals that wounded me deeply as a child - and that continue to have an impact on my adulthood. I'll share one with you (and should probably also share that I'm a bisexual woman or you'll get confused with all the pronoun switches! )

I can see where you are coming from on this and can relate somewhat.  Corporal punishment was a part of my early childhood, although I don't really attach any lasting emotional impact to it. One parent doled out the punishment the other didn't.  Your situation was different where your mom was being abusive while your dad stood by.

I negated the emotional impact of it as well - until this past last year. And if only one of your parents was doling out the punishment, then your other parent must have been watching also?

Not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill here - your struggles are your own and may be very different than mine. Just pointing out some inconsistencies in your responses.

[jhkbuzz]

jhkbuzz, wow... You're so describing the start of where I think I'm at... I too was focused on my dominant mum who would slap and who was always so so angry I could sense it and only recently I've started to think about the role of my dad. Soft, gentle, anxious, emotionally immature and either absent through work or when present somehow not part of the family unit.

And how do you think this has affected your adulthood?

[WoundedBibi]

jhkbuzz, wow... You're so describing the start of where I think I'm at... I too was focused on my dominant mum who would slap and who was always so so angry I could sense it and only recently I've started to think about the role of my dad. Soft, gentle, anxious, emotionally immature and either absent through work or when present somehow not part of the family unit.

And how do you think this has affected your adulthood?

That I can only function as a reasonably balanced adult when I'm not in a relationship. That I choose emotionally immature men only. Either cold ones (my mum) or soft ones (my dad) or a strange mixture of the two (my last ex) but the older I get the more disturbed the men I choose. It's obvious I haven't learned my lesson + gathered more traumatic experiences over time and if I don't really put the work in now and really get it the next one might be so scr*wed up I end up dead.

[C.Stein]

... .except that you appear to have been involved with another woman who has cheated on you    No condemnation here, just pointing it out.

A unfortunate point I am all too aware of.  There is always a risk in romantic relationships.  In this case I chose to believe in her and give her the benefit of the doubt.  I do not see this as a flaw in my character that needs fixing.  What needs fixing perhaps is my reluctance to give up on someone I love.

I negated the emotional impact of it as well - until this past last year. And if only one of your parents was doling out the punishment, then your other parent must have been watching also?

Not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill here - your struggles are your own and may be very different than mine. Just pointing out some inconsistencies in your responses.

There was no watching going on in my case.  We were removed to the basement for our punishment by dad, which consisted of a single paddle wack to the butt.  I don't remember it happening often, but I do remember it happening.

[jhkbuzz]

jhkbuzz, wow... You're so describing the start of where I think I'm at... I too was focused on my dominant mum who would slap and who was always so so angry I could sense it and only recently I've started to think about the role of my dad. Soft, gentle, anxious, emotionally immature and either absent through work or when present somehow not part of the family unit.

And how do you think this has affected your adulthood?

That I can only function as a reasonably balanced adult when I'm not in a relationship. That I choose emotionally immature men only. Either cold ones (my mum) or soft ones (my dad) or a strange mixture of the two (my last ex) but the older I get the more disturbed the men I choose. It's obvious I haven't learned my lesson + gathered more traumatic experiences over time and if I don't really put the work in now and really get it the next one might be so scr*wed up I end up dead.

It's not so much about "learning your lesson" - it's more repetition compulsion - "doing it over" in an effort to finally "fix it" and put it to rest. Except for the fact that the "do overs" with other adults never fix anything - and lead to a world of pain. Are you seeing a T?

[WoundedBibi]

A psychologist actually not a T. But I can't get to her office now as I can't walk due to my illness. I talk to her on the phone every week for half an hour but it's more supportive talks to manage being ill, in pain, alone, scared of loosing my job etc. When I can walk and sit long enough to go to her office I can get some proper work done.

[jhkbuzz]

In this case I chose to believe in her and give her the benefit of the doubt.  I do not see this as a flaw in my character that needs fixing. What needs fixing perhaps is my reluctance to give up on someone I love.

I'm so confused... .now you're 'giving her the benefit of the doubt'? So you don't think she had an affair?

There was no watching going on in my case.

I used "watching" pretty loosely... .he wasn't always watching - but he certainly knew what was happening, even if he wasn't present in the room. He was complicit.