Very aggravated, is this me or him

[Roselily]

Hi all,

I'll cut to the chase. Ex BPD bf and I broke up last summer. Over the past 4 mos he talked ABt wanting to be friends. ( I broke up with him) . I say ok, we'll try. Well, it has come to him leaving all the " work" part up to me to keep it going. Now when I have reached out, he has been usually very sweet. From asking me to come up and visit, to ignoring my initiation by texting , " how's things going with you"?

Last week, I put my foot my down. I told him I was no longer going to put effort in, when he didn't reciprocate initiation. ( it literally got to be rediculous, when he basically refused to call my number, but would text " call me".

This last time, he said I really do want to chat with u... Talk soon!

Next nite, I can't talk., when he texts... I'm st bday together.

I sent a reply back... " can we talk tomorrow? "

He said that was fine. Well next eve came, and no initiation .

I just felt an undertone of anger from his last text, although he seemed happy... he sent another text that same nite I was at bday party... and said " I started to send u a long paragraph saying I was mad you weren't available, but decided not to... Lol"...

I don't think it was a real Lol... What on earth would make a BPD mad, they were accountable for doing their part.?

I have stuck to my word... And not initiated contact since we agreed to talk the next eve. and didn't...

Has anyone got any idea what this is abt? I'm keeping my boundaries... .regardless... But just can't understand this... Thanks for ur replies...

[gotbushels]

Hi Roselily

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It can't be easy trying to move power between two people with dissatisfaction on both their parts.

Could you please define your relationship with him now and where you see the relationship going? 

[Roselily]

Thank u got bushels... Our relationship had turned to friendship... but I realized on his terms. He seemed angry a lot when dating... had rage attacks... And I couldn't take take it anymore. When he wasn't angry ABt something, he could be so sweet, as long as he didn't have to take responsibility for anything.

He started the hot and cold again in our friendship.i told him in an email I saw this the past dynamic slipping into the friendship, and I was not interested in replaying past dynamics...

He was all nice but vague... like when we dated. I nipped it in the bud... he reacted at first nicely... But I felt it was a front.

I didn't want to sound mean, but firm what my boundaries are now... Does that help in understanding? Thanks

[Ahoy]

Thank u got bushels... Our relationship had turned to friendship... but I realized on his terms. He seemed angry a lot when dating... had rage attacks... And I couldn't take take it anymore. When he wasn't angry ABt something, he could be so sweet, as long as he didn't have to take responsibility for anything.

He started the hot and cold again in our friendship.i told him in an email I saw this the past dynamic slipping into the friendship, and I was not interested in replaying past dynamics...

He was all nice but vague... like when we dated. I nipped it in the bud... he reacted at first nicely... But I felt it was a front.

I didn't want to sound mean, but firm what my boundaries are now... Does that help in understanding? Thanks

If he is BPD (or showing strong traits) you must know that any form of friendship/relationship will be on HIS terms. Has he found a new partner yet?

What do you want out of this relationship now, are you after true friendship or is this still going because you see something happening between the two of you in the future?

I am discarded and forgotten, however EVERY DAY I read of people in similar situations as yours and it all seems to point to the pwBPD wanting to string the non along, either because a replacement is still being locked down, as a possible recycle option, or simply just being a jerk because it's a control thing.

Once again if it is BPD, it is not about YOU. It never was, it never will be. The exception to this (as far as my understanding goes) is if he is seeking treatment and has awareness and control over some of his actions. Still not an ideal recipe for friendship!

Your second post (asking for help again) tells me this is causing you a LOT of frustration/stress. If he is your Ex, perhaps these interactions are not ideal considering the healing you likely have ahead of you.

I personally equate friendship with a lot of characteristics I look for in a relationship. Knowing what I know about undiagnosed BPD. I can 100% say I do NOT want a pwBPD as my friend (a true friend, not just an acquaintance)

Good luck!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Roselily,

I can understand your aggravation and am sure I would feel the same. I tried to be friends with pwBPD several times, but it didn't work. Now I've just accepted that "we" can't do friendship in any mutually satisfying way. It may take time and patience for you two to develop a friendship. If your ex has BPD/traits, it would be beneficial to check out the tools on the Improving Board on this site, for example S.E.T. (a communication skill).

What are your values around friendships, Roselily? It sounds like you are not feeling a mutual commitment to the friendship, which is important.

I know you are not interested in playing past dynamics, but your ex may not be able to let those dynamics go completely. His unconscious defense mechanisms may rear their heads at times, even if you are not romantically linked. In my experience, there was SO much going on inside pwBPD that I wasn't even aware of (and neither was he, apparently),until suddenly he was really angry about something that he had been pleased with just hours earlier.

It's good to try to understand one's friends—it helps to have a good relationship. But, especially with BPD or traits in the picture, I think it's more important to focus on understanding ourselves and our own motivations and behaviors.

What do you think?

heartandwhole