From Underneath the Rubble

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been avoiding posting in this section because I'm not sure what to say. Who am I now? That's a tough question for me to answer. Today, I'm a survivor, but I'm filled with self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and emptiness (wait, can a person actually be filled with emptiness? I think that you get what I mean though). I'm working hard to change all of that though.

Cognitively I understand many of the concepts that produce change. When it comes to doing the work to make those changes, however, I allow fear and doubt to control. I have yet to convince myself that I'm actually worth the work that it is going to take. Being in my mid 40's, I also struggle with questioning whether or not the work will be worth it given the amount of time that I have left on this planet.

Anyway, as of today, I'm severely depressed, longing for death (but NOT suicidal), and feeling broken beyond all repair. I am looking at the world from beneath the rubble that has been my life however and know that I don't have to stay here forever. I have a very patient and caring T who allows me to ramble on tirelessly about whatever "crisis" I'm experiencing that day, but manages to reign me back in to do the work necessary. I'm starting to realize that much of my identity has been wrapped up in depression and self-loathing for my entire life.

This is where my journey is beginning... .

[Meili]

I have been avoiding posting in this section because I'm not sure what to say. Who am I now? That's a tough question for me to answer. Today, I'm a survivor, but I'm filled with self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and emptiness (wait, can a person actually be filled with emptiness? I think that you get what I mean though). I'm working hard to change all of that though.

Cognitively I understand many of the concepts that produce change. When it comes to doing the work to make those changes, however, I allow fear and doubt to control. I have yet to convince myself that I'm actually worth the work that it is going to take. Being in my mid 40's, I also struggle with questioning whether or not the work will be worth it given the amount of time that I have left on this planet.

Anyway, as of today, I'm severely depressed, longing for death (but NOT suicidal), and feeling broken beyond all repair. I am looking at the world from beneath the rubble that has been my life however and know that I don't have to stay here forever. I have a very patient and caring T who allows me to ramble on tirelessly about whatever "crisis" I'm experiencing that day, but manages to reign me back in to do the work necessary. I'm starting to realize that much of my identity has been wrapped up in depression and self-loathing for my entire life.

This is where my journey is beginning... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Melli, To what extent do you think your feelings are a result of having been close to a person suffering from BPD?  I'm assuming that, since you are on this site, you have been impacted by BPD, right?  Don't underestimate how a pwBPD can bring out feelings of "self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and emptiness," all of which I've experienced and I bet many others here have as well.  Rebuilding from the rubble isn't necessarily a bad thing, in my view, because you have a clean slate to make a new life that corresponds more closely to who you are at the core.  Consider this phase as a journey towards authenticity.  I suggest you sit with your gut feelings and just listen to that voice within which emanates from the heart of who you are, and have always been, as a person.  As Nietzsche puts it, "Become who you are."  Does this make sense?  If not, I will try to re-phrase.

LuckyJim

[Meili]

Hey LJ,

Well, I believe that I've been impacted by a pwBPD. She's not been diagnosed as far as I know.

I think that my feelings stem more from my FOO than my uexBPDgf. But, I think that having her in my life allowed me to see things that I would never have seen about myself without her. The all of the "self-stuff" was there long before I ever met her. What happened was that I realized just how much I was willing to martyr myself in hopes of someone loving me. The way that she treated me just added to and reinforced what my FOO had taught me.

I will say that I am definitely starting with a clean slate. I'm trying to build the life that I want this time, rather than the one that has been dictated to me. I must sit with my gut feelings to figure out who I am because that's all that I really have to work with at the moment. I doubt the veracity of everything else. Of course, I don't exactly trust myself and my own judgment right now either, so this is going to be hard. But, I have to start somewhere.

I truly hope to become who I am, and who I am meant to be.

[Lucky Jim]

Like what you're saying, Meili, which I find encouraging.  There's a glimmer of something positive starting to grow, from my perspective.

Sure, your FOO probably made you pre-disposed to a BPD r/s, as did mine.  One good thing about a BPD r/s, in my experience, is that it provides a crucible which forces one to confront one's FOO issues.  It's a painful process, no doubt, but you can't help but emerge with greater awareness about oneself.  I nearly destroyed myself in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, so I get it, believe me, when you talk about martyring yourself.  No one will give you a medal at the end of the day for doing your utmost to help a pwBPD, least of all the pwBPD!  There is nothing to be gained, in my view, from trying to help someone who, on some fundamental level, doesn't want to be helped.  To continue to attempt it is pointless and self-defeating.

I truly hope to become who I am, and who I am meant to be.

Right, that's your task, which is not a hope but a journey towards authenticity.

LuckyJim

[Meili]

Martyring myself always gave me a sense of purpose. I'm tired of that. I want a true purpose. I want someone to be attacked to me because of who I am, not what I can do for her. So, with that in mind, I search for who I am and what I want to become.

I know a few things about myself at this point. I think that provides me with a place to start. I'm intelligent. I'm curious about almost everything. I feel and overwhelming need for constant stimulus. I prefer to do things outdoors rather than inside. I'm good with my hands. I'm sensitive to the needs and feelings of others.

My sense of curiosity and need for novelty are probably going to be my strongest allies through all of this. While I'm depressed and want nothing more than to hide in my house with all the lights off, I cannot stand to just sit there. This forces me to get up and move and not sink too deeply into my own mind.

[Lucky Jim]

Suggest you get outside.  Take a walk, ride a bike, go to a beach, climb a mountain, meditate outside.  You get the idea.  I'm an outdoor person, too, and find that nature has a healing quality.  Walking also stimulates both side of the brain, which makes for more creative thoughts, in my experience.  Plenty of stimuli in Nature!

You have a good starting point: the qualities you have already identified.  Now use those as the building blocks.  Suggest you take note when you come across something that you really like, something that engages you for some reason, then follow that "golden string" to see where it leads.  It might be a song on the radio, a view from your car window, a person you cross paths with, a painting you see, a flower, a sea shell, whatever, as long as it registers as meaningful to you.  Then delve deeper in order to find out what you really like about that experience.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Meili-

Who am I now? That's a tough question for me to answer.

Yes, and it's a great question.

Today, I'm a survivor, but I'm filled with self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and emptiness (wait, can a person actually be filled with emptiness?

And the good news is all those 'selfs' are yours, you own them, you can control them, you can protect them, you can change them, and no one can influence them unless you say so, yes?  And the good news about emptiness is you can now fill your life up with whatever you want, standing at the gates to keep the crap out; kind of like vomiting and diarrhea, everything leaves at first because it had to, good and bad, and now that we know, we can fill back up with only the good stuff. 

Cognitively I understand many of the concepts that produce change. When it comes to doing the work to make those changes, however, I allow fear and doubt to control.

You ever notice that it's impossible to feel fear and doubt when we're feeling gratitude?  Try it, you'll see.  So what are you grateful for?  Do you have a list?  Eliminating fear and doubt in the moment is literally as simple as focusing on what you're grateful for, and then from that place you can apply the concepts you understand cognitively.

I have yet to convince myself that I'm actually worth the work that it is going to take. Being in my mid 40's, I also struggle with questioning whether or not the work will be worth it given the amount of time that I have left on this planet.

Instead of working on convincing yourself that you're worth it, you could just assume you are, while coming from that place of gratitude, yes?  And really, in our mid 40's we're about half way through life, so think back to your childhood and teen years; doesn't that seem like a long time ago?  You have that much time in front of you.  Yes, you really do.

Plus, what's the alternative?  Several decades is a hell of a long time to spend giving up, your time is much better spent sucking every last drop of juice out of this life until they throw dirt on you, if you say so.  So say so.

I am looking at the world from beneath the rubble that has been my life however and know that I don't have to stay here forever.

Nice!  Plus the good thing about rock bottom is the only way you can go is up, yes?

I'm starting to realize that much of my identity has been wrapped up in depression and self-loathing for my entire life.

Great self-awareness!  And everything we do, we do for reasons that serve us; we are always doing the best we can.  So how did deciding to be depressed and loathing yourself serve you?  What needs were you trying to meet?  How can you now meet them in an empowering way?

This is where my journey is beginning... .

There you go, you're on a journey!  Journeys are fun, yes?  And considering the whole thing at once can be overwhelming, it can be easier to focus on the goal and take one step in that direction, just for today.  So what's the goal?

A bunch of empowering reframes for your use as needed.  Life is heaven or life is hell, if we say so, and we DO have the power to say so. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

I have been avoiding posting in this section because I'm not sure what to say. Who am I now? That's a tough question for me to answer. Today, I'm a survivor, but I'm filled with self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and emptiness (wait, can a person actually be filled with emptiness? I think that you get what I mean though). I'm working hard to change all of that though.

Congratulations for posting here, because it is about you!  I have been hesitant to post here, too. But, I think it means you are taking control of your own life (and all the scary stuff that goes with it.)  one thing I have to remind myself is that I cannot change it all at once.  Setting small goals, breaking something down into very small steps, and accomplishing those steps will eventually get you where you want to be, or at least closer than ever before.  Celebrate the small accomplishments!  You deserve it!  So, if you are on this journey and you just sit down and stay in one place, it ceases to be a journey.  Make small steps toward what feels right to you.  What is one thing you can move toward?

I don't know if this applies to you, but I have had to learn to listen to my instincts and gut feelings more to move toward the life I want. I am not always able to identify my feelings in words, but usually my physical reactions tell me.  Is my stomach tight?  Or do I feel relaxed?   Seems simple, but not if you are used to ignoring yourself.   I have self-doubt, too.  Many times, I have over-ridden my bad feelings about situations, decisions, etc.  to please others.  Now, I realize that it also was my way of avoiding taking control of my own choices - giving control to others.  When you make decisions, or think about choices, do you pay attention to your feelings? 

Kudos, for surviving, for putting forth the effort to change.  Take care and be kind to yourself! 

[Meili]

Well, the weekend was a bust. I did very little to be productive and subjected myself to more bad treatment by my FOO because it was Father's Day and I was "supposed to" spend it with them. I did enforce my boundaries and walked out when it started to go down the all too familiar path. I suppose that I should be more proud of that than I am. I hope that changes in time.

As for gratitude, I don't know that I feel that emotion (yet). Currently, I don't feel deserving of anything, so I find it very difficult to be grateful for anything in my life. What I have and protect are things that I have had to fight to get and keep. The rest, I just view as here in the moment and can be taken away in the blink of an eye; gone from my life forever. Of course that may just be because I feel like I'm at rock bottom right now. I will say that I have a sense of gratitude to those who take their time and energy to post to me.

I don't know what the alternative is. To be honest, right now I don't see an alternative. All that I've ever really known is pain and suffering, so I have no reasonable expectation that it will change. I will say that the brief encounter with joy, elation, and love that I had in my r/s with my uBPDexgf has shown me that there is something else out there. That just because she was unable to sustain the feelings that she convened does not mean that it is impossible for someone else to feel that way about me and have it be consistent and sustainable. Nor does it mean that I cannot feel that way about myself. I'm just so tired of that struggle. I'm so tired of trying and getting it all wrong.

In response to the questions about how I decided to be depressed and self-loathing. The answer to those questions would lie in my need to survive as a young child and go along with what I was being taught because there was no alternative. A toddler cannot oppose his parents in any meaningful way after all. Trying to oppose them with any force is just met with more pain.

The question really is why I continue to make those choices as an adult? Again, the answer to that is fear. Opposing those thoughts brings my entire existence into question. It also requires me to face the unknown. Change only occurs when the pain of where we are at is greater than the fear of the unknown. Because I have survived so much, I am tolerant of the pain, this makes facing the fear that much more difficult.

My T asked me to make a list of the needs that my FOO didn't meet and the needs that I was/am looking to my x to meet and compare the two. That should be an interesting exercise. I suspect that the next step is going to be trying to see how I can meet those needs for myself. That will be the hard step. I have kept myself in harmful situations for so long that I don't believe that I can trust even myself at this point.

I do question what Heaven and Hell look like? All that I've ever known is the life that I live, and all that's all that I've seen. I have no reason to believe that anything different exists.

Even the idea about small steps is lost on me. If big "accomplishments" are dismissed by me, how can a small step be meaningful? I have a life that has been devoted to the servitude of others; that's all that I know. So, when I try to look at my life as taking control of it for myself and putting myself first, my gut tells me that I'm wrong; that I am not allowed to do that. I have been completely conditioned to believe that I do not come first in anything, ever. Reprogramming is that is going to be hard.

One thing that I do know is that my recent r/s gave me a gift. I was able to feel things that I want to feel again. I just have to uncover the fortitude to find them.

[Lucky Jim]

One thing that I do know is that my recent r/s gave me a gift. I was able to feel things that I want to feel again. I just have to uncover the fortitude to find them.

Right, Meili, it is a gift in the sense that you gain a greater awareness of your self.  Could you learn the same lesson in a less painful way?  Probably not, I'm afraid.  The hard lessons are the ones that bring about new growth, in my experience.  You have the fortitude, I'm sure, to find those things again, so just be patient.  Return the focus to YOU.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[Meili]

I am trying to remained focused on me and to figure out what my needs are. I'm also starting to listen to what my body is telling me. Yesterday, I had someone challenge something that I had said and I immediately got twisted up inside. I had to stop and consciously realize that the person wasn't saying anything about me as a person; meaning that he wasn't rejecting me. He wasn't even telling me that what I had said was wrong; rather, he was viewing something that I had told him from a different vantage point. Instead of arguing the point, I stepped back and listened to what he was actually saying, and it turned out that he was making a very valid point that I hadn't even considered. But, true to form for me, I went back to my office to research what he had said and he was incorrect from my standpoint. But, from his standpoint, based on his definitions, he may still be correct. It was an enlightening experience as a whole.

Also, I managed a small twinge of pride the other day when my mother, at a family gathering, after showering my sister with expensive gifts, started to tell me what a horrible father I am because my daughter didn't thank her for the money that my daughter borrowed, that I deserve to be disrespected for other reasons, and that overall, I'm not good enough I put a stop to it. Later that evening, my sister contacted me and told me that she didn't know what happened, but at least my mother acknowledged that she said something wrong. It wasn't an actual acknowledgment of what happened, simply that she thinks that she must have "misspoke." Per my sister, that's at least a start and better than anything that she has ever received from our mother. I think that it might have meant a bit more if my mother had actually contacted me and apologized. I guess it wasn't that important to her though.

The important thing is that I stopped my mother from repeating the behavior that she has engaged in for so many years. That is a step in the right direction to me.

I'm also starting to forgive myself for the guilt that I feel over what has happened in my most recent r/s. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I was doing the best that I could with the tools that I had available at the time. I admit that I wasn't perfect, but I did try as hard as I could given what I was working with.

In the past, I've always viewed my tool box as filled with only a hammer, chisel, pry bar, and duct tape. If I couldn't fix things with those items, I just didn't try to fix them. Lately, I'm realizing that I'm still playing with the toy tools that I was given as a child.

[Lucky Jim]

Insert Quote I am trying to remained focused on me and to figure out what my needs are.

Hey Meili, Maybe it's time to update your toolbox?  You're doing great by keeping the focus on yourself and your needs.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings more.  Right, your body is a good barometer of your feelings.  You did the healthy thing, in my view, by exploring why you felt twisted up inside.  By processing it, you moved beyond it, which is progress. 

LuckyJim

[Meili]

But, I like my Fisher Price tools!

Just kidding... .I'm working on updating the tool box.

I know the genesis of the gut feeling, it's my fear of not being good enough and being rejected. Rejection equates to abandonment and throws me into survival mode very quickly. It is my trying to protect the 3/4 year old that owns those Fisher Price tools that lives in my head. The one who was left alone, locked in a room for eight hours at a time and beaten for things that he didn't do while in the room.

Well, that and his big brother, my inner critic, who was busy telling me, "See, you're not as smart as you think that you are. You were wrong. You aren't good enough."

[eeks]

Hi Meili,

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering.  I also see some useful self-awareness in your original post and responses, and you describe noticing emotional triggers and checking in with yourself about what is really happening for you, and I think this practice will benefit you in the long run.

But, I like my Fisher Price tools!

Just kidding... .I'm working on updating the tool box.

I know the genesis of the gut feeling, it's my fear of not being good enough and being rejected. Rejection equates to abandonment and throws me into survival mode very quickly. It is my trying to protect the 3/4 year old that owns those Fisher Price tools that lives in my head. The one who was left alone, locked in a room for eight hours at a time and beaten for things that he didn't do while in the room.

Well, that and his big brother, my inner critic, who was busy telling me, "See, you're not as smart as you think that you are. You were wrong. You aren't good enough."

I can relate to where you are at.  You can see that the "survival strategies" you developed as a child are not working so well, but at the same time it's difficult to let them go... .they were associated with survival, after all.

The question really is why I continue to make those choices as an adult? Again, the answer to that is fear. Opposing those thoughts brings my entire existence into question. It also requires me to face the unknown. Change only occurs when the pain of where we are at is greater than the fear of the unknown. Because I have survived so much, I am tolerant of the pain, this makes facing the fear that much more difficult.

This "pain of current state > fear of unknown" thing regarding change, is interesting.  You say you have a high tolerance for pain.  I'm not sure if change/the unknown will ever feel completely safe, however, what if you could find a way for it to feel less scary, or safer than it currently does, to the point where you can take risks and notice and "take in" the results?  

This safety could come in a number of different ways.  There are ways to do it with people, and ways to do it on your own.  A trusting relationship with a therapist can generate safety - building this trust can take time, and it sounds like you find your current T helpful, which is good.  Just as a general note though, I will say that not trusting one's therapist (raising the subject with them, and not being able to resolve it to your satisfaction) would be a good reason to switch therapists.

Friends and feeling of community can help too.  I do ecstatic dance and contact improv, and I am starting to make friends and feel a sense of belonging there.  Many people there do their own emotional self-awareness work (and quite a number of them are therapists or bodyworkers of some sort, or have training) and so it is a safe place to talk about emotions.  

Some people increase their sense of safety through self-practices like meditation (learning slowly over time to stay present with intense emotional states) or learning to care for their "inner child".  I find Nonviolent Communication (practiced on myself) useful, and I have my own version of awareness of emotions in the body (similar to Focusing, but influenced by other methods I've been exposed to here and there).  It sounds like you're already doing something similar, too, when you noticed your reaction to what the person at work said to you.

Some authors also recommend that trauma survivors address the physical aspects of trauma through things like yoga (with a trauma-informed instructor), massage therapy, any modality that deals with release of tension or posture alignment.  There's even a therapy called Somatic Experiencing that is designed to help people discharge trauma defense responses from their body.

[eeks]

(continued)

Right now, it sounds like you have a fast and strong self-protection reflex that kicks in to protect you from the perceived danger of abandonment.  You describe being locked in a room and beaten for things you didn't do, and I imagine this greatly impacted your sense of safety, security and trust (which children require). There would have been certain feelings and behaviours on your part that triggered ignoring, punishment and/or abuse from your caregivers, and you would have "learned" that those feelings and behaviours put your relationship with your caregivers at risk.  (In Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin explains that threats to a relationship bond trigger the amygdala the same way physical pain does, even in adults.)  



And so, there are certain feelings and behaviours that reflexively trigger a feeling that you are not safe, invoking the self-protection strategies.  My experience is that if I investigate, I find I don't actually believe I'm worthless (even if I feel it)... .for me "I'm worthless" is more like a failsafe, designed to scare me out of doing things that were repeatedly traumatic in the past.

What I think can happen over time is that through revealing the "dangerous" feelings to your therapist, and maybe to trusted friends as well, and learning to tolerate/stay present to these same intense emotional states in yourself, you will begin to learn that you can feel and behave certain ways and it does not put your relationships at risk the way it would have in childhood.  You will increase your acceptance of yourself, and of your experience.  

I should add that I have observed that I experience anxiety as reflexive self-protection from the following "dangerous" feelings... .anger, sexuality, strength, anything exceeding a certain degree of joyful aliveness.  

Huh?

Yep. My mom's father likely had NPD, and my dad's father may have as well, (and both their mothers had/have their own style of controlling others) there were for sure narcissistic dynamics in their families and less severe narcissistic dynamic once it got down to how they raised me, but it was still there.  So my parents are both survivors of emotional abuse, and my mom was sexually abused as well (by a family "friend".  It would not have been safe for them to have a strong "sense of self" around their parents (e.g. my mom's father would slap her if she ever disagreed or said "no"; my dad could not do anything right according to his father)  So they feared and censored the same in me.  Something else to keep in mind, that what's behind the fear is not always negative.

eeks

[Meili]

Thank you for that response eeks. I will reread it and give it more thought. Also, thank you for the suggestions.

My initial response is:

I am working on developing a sense of community and forging friendships. Isolation is all too familiar to me and provides a feeling of safety however. Which is somewhat strange given my intense fear of being alone. But, by not putting myself out there, I also don't run the risk of being rejected.

My cognitive mind knows that rejection won't kill me. Also that when someone first meets me, they aren't rejecting me (as a person), but, rather what they perceive me to be. Now, I just need to get the emotions to follow the cognitive thoughts there.

The pain vs. fear thing in regards to change is something that I struggle with right now. I know, on a cognitive level, that nothing bad will likely result from my changing anything. I also know that I get paralyzed by fear and "what if's." I invent problems in my mind that are not in existence, and will likely never exist. I also engage in black and white thinking at that point. It is as if any choice I make is permanent and the results are going to be catastrophic. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that nothing is actually permanent, or that I am no longer that young child who risks physical pain if I make the wrong choice or do or say the wrong thing; I am still controlled by the fear. I am trying to work on minimizing the fears however. I'm trying to remember that I've survived this long even though I'm not perfect, I'll continue to survive for a while longer.

[Meili]

Loneliness... .That's not a good place for me. Last night I discovered just how strong that fear is. I always knew that it had a lot of control over me, but didn't realize just how much until last night.

Yesterday was the first day that I have been completely alone since my x and I split. Sitting in my empty house, with no one to be accountable to, I gave into my impulse to contact her. I'm not sorry that I did. You can read about it in my thread on the detaching board if you are interested.

I need to learn that being alone isn't the same thing as being abandoned. Of course I understand that in a cognitive sense, but the emotions don't agree. Something that my therapist told me is that I don't have to give in to my compulsive, emotional urges. I need to learn that better.

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to learn that being alone isn't the same thing as being abandoned.

Interesting choice of words; why do you think you equate those two, where does that come from?  And being alone and being lonely are two different things too.  You also say no one to be accountable to, but we're accountable to ourselves when we're alone, and that can be a great time to start living from our values, be accountable to our values, without external input for the time being; that's a great place to build a life from.

[Meili]

I'm guessing that it comes from being locked in a bedroom alone for 8 hours at a time when I was 3/4 years old while my mother went on with her life.

I agree that we are always accountable to ourselves. I also agree that I need to learn to take those opportunities to learn and grow. Last night was a mix of too much alcohol and too many emotions.

I felt both lonely and alone. I felt that I didn't matter to anyone, as if I didn't exist. I reached out to my x to prove that I do exist. If that makes any sense.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm guessing that it comes from being locked in a bedroom alone for 8 hours at a time when I was 3/4 years old while my mother went on with her life.

I'm sorry that happened, and yes, that's not a guess, that's the reason you equate the two.  And knowing that is the good news.

I agree that we are always accountable to ourselves. I also agree that I need to learn to take those opportunities to learn and grow. Last night was a mix of too much alcohol and too many emotions.

I felt both lonely and alone. I felt that I didn't matter to anyone, as if I didn't exist. I reached out to my x to prove that I do exist. If that makes any sense.



Oh yes, been there more than once, the booze seems to help in the short term, don't in the long, and at times we just don't care yes?

Yes, reaching out to your ex makes sense; we're social creatures and our design to connect is inherent and strong, exactly the right impulse when you're feeling lonely and alone.  Only issue is she might not be whom you want to be reaching out to.  What can you do today to connect with someone other than her?  Anyone, about anything?  We get better at everything we practice.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that happened, and yes, that's not a guess, that's the reason you equate the two.  And knowing that is the good news.

I know that a lot of my fears are tied directly to my childhood and FOO. I'm just now starting to learn to attach the emotions to the events. The events themselves do not illicit any emotional response from me when I think or talk about them. Those apparently have been blocked. But, the subconscious reactions are becoming more apparent as I slow down and watch what I'm doing.

Oh yes, been there more than once, the booze seems to help in the short term, don't in the long, and at times we just don't care yes?

Yep. I knew not to drink that much. As I opened the third beer and started to ruminate, I knew that I should stop there. The pain grew... .the urge to blunt the sharpness of it all grew... .the more prominent the silence became... .the more I drank. The normal 'numbing effect' didn't arrive though. I became consumed by urgency and fear. My panic became overwhelming. I felt that I must release the tension, so I did.

I won't dispute that reaching out to her was probably not in my best interest. But, at the time, I was in such a state that I didn't believe that anything or anyone but my x could stop what I was experiencing. And, it did. But, just like the alcohol, it was not a healthy way to deal with the situation. In retrospect, had I just sat with the pain and fear for a bit, it probably would have subsided on it's own. I probably fueled all of it by (ultimately) drinking a twelve pack of beer.

There are other similarities between my addiction to beer and my addiction to my x, both leave me feeling horrible once the intoxication has worn off. Both make me want more. Both make me scared when I think about having to give them up for the rest of my life. I know that this isn't a shock to anyone who has experienced addiction.

So, tonight, I'm going to look at finding a better coping mechanism.

Yes, reaching out to your ex makes sense; we're social creatures and our design to connect is inherent and strong, exactly the right impulse when you're feeling lonely and alone.  Only issue is she might not be whom you want to be reaching out to.  What can you do today to connect with someone other than her?  Anyone, about anything?  We get better at everything we practice.

I have been struggling with that lately. My T and I discussed this a bit today. Aside from my mother, no one else in my life seems to make me feel alive like my x did. That's why I am so attached to her. I am so familiar and comfortable with the emotions that are created when I interact with her that it provides a level of comfort that I don't find elsewhere. 

[fromheeltoheal]

In retrospect, had I just sat with the pain and fear for a bit, it probably would have subsided on it's own. I probably fueled all of it by (ultimately) drinking a twelve pack of beer.

There are other similarities between my addiction to beer and my addiction to my x, both leave me feeling horrible once the intoxication has worn off. Both make me want more. Both make me scared when I think about having to give them up for the rest of my life. I know that this isn't a shock to anyone who has experienced addiction.

So, tonight, I'm going to look at finding a better coping mechanism.

Good plan.  If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you probably also noticed that once the buzz wears off our body overcompensates from all the depressant by making us alert, so we're wide awake at 4 in the morning at the start of a hangover; that is hell on earth.  And then, we can be anxious and antsy the next day, another biological consequence of alcohol withdrawal, which sucks and makes us want to drink again, the vicious cycle.

If we look at the whole thing, the emotions before, the buzz, the sleepless nights, the anxiety when we're sober, it makes no sense and is certainly not a solution.  My experience is 21 days; if you can make it 21 days without a drink you're over the hump, not that long at all, then you can get to work creating the life of your dreams yes?

Aside from my mother, no one else in my life seems to make me feel alive like my x did. That's why I am so attached to her. I am so familiar and comfortable with the emotions that are created when I interact with her that it provides a level of comfort that I don't find elsewhere.  

Yes, I get that, that uncanny knack of someone who's survival literally depends on attaching to others, how good it feels when they come our way.  We've all experienced the other side of that though, that addiction and all the rest, not quite worth it as a whole.

But you know what's fun?  Go to a coffee shop or the supermarket, anywhere where you normally live your life, and see if you can get people you interact with to smile, and bonus points would be laugh.  It can be challenging, you gotta see where they're coming from, develop rapport, and say something they'll find funny or nice, and if you do that, you'll feel good, just because.  You've connected with another human in a positive way, and it's not about what you're getting, that's secondary, it's what you're giving, which will make you feel good, promise.

[Meili]

But you know what's fun?  Go to a coffee shop or the supermarket, anywhere where you normally live your life, and see if you can get people you interact with to smile, and bonus points would be laugh.  It can be challenging, you gotta see where they're coming from, develop rapport, and say something they'll find funny or nice, and if you do that, you'll feel good, just because.  You've connected with another human in a positive way, and it's not about what you're getting, that's secondary, it's what you're giving, which will make you feel good, promise.

Just reading that caused my anxiety to sky-rocket!

Years ago, I had to stop drinking because it had gotten out of control. I, honestly, believe that giving up alcohol will be far easier than completely giving up my x. What I do know, however, is that by giving up alcohol, I'll be far better equipped to completely give up the x. What I have been doing certainly hasn't been working!

I also know that my anxiety will likely decrease with sobriety. My T wants me to go to AA to get out of my house, sober up, meet people, realize that I'm not alone in the world, and increase my chances of recovering from all of the things that have happened to me. She's a smart lady that T of mine. Now, if only I didn't find AA so annoying... .(Yes, I realize that I'm just making an excuse so as to not face the fears. One step at a time).

[fromheeltoheal]

Just reading that caused my anxiety to sky-rocket!

And that's where you are right now, no worries, we don't have to go from 0 to 100 overnight, just go for 0 to 1.  Plus remember, you just drank 12 beers last night, probably a big chunk of the anxiety.  And just focusing on other people and where they're coming from will get you focusing out instead of inwardly, which is a lot of the challenge.

Now, if only I didn't find AA so annoying... .(Yes, I realize that I'm just making an excuse so as to not face the fears. One step at a time).

AA is a great way to get sober, not a great way to stay sober IMO, and it's not the only way, but you don't have to do anything but show up, and a highlight can be going out for coffee with other members after the meeting, which is a good idea right now yes?

[Meili]

Yes. And, as soon as I pull myself together a bit more I'll venture out.

[Meili]

I've has some amazing realizations over the past few days and communication with my x.

First, I've learned that love can exist for no reason other than the person exists. There is no requirement that love be tied to some action or trait. In fact, it's better that it isn't. Actions and traits can change over time, be inconsistent, evolve, or even temporarily set aside because of other life issues. If love is based on those things and they change, then the love is changed or goes away.

Secondly, I've been able to see myself as worthy. I've been able to recognize that people in my world find me worthy no matter how off-kilter I get because of my choices. They have not turned their backs on me because I did something different from what they would have preferred.

Third, I'm not alone. There are people that I can reach out to in a healthy manner.

Fourth, I've made some really, really bad choices lately. That doesn't mean that I'm a bad person, but that my choices were bad. Some I may be able to make amends for, others I won't. There are consequences to our actions though. I just have to accept that.

Finally, I've realized that I've been hiding from my own pain and fears for so long that I never learned how to focus on myself. OK, I kinda knew this one, but I had no idea to what extent I would go to avoid dealing with myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Nice Meili!

Compare what you just posted to what you posted 10 days ago:

Today, I'm a survivor, but I'm filled with self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and emptiness

When it comes to doing the work to make those changes, however, I allow fear and doubt to control. I have yet to convince myself that I'm actually worth the work that it is going to take. Being in my mid 40's, I also struggle with questioning whether or not the work will be worth it given the amount of time that I have left on this planet.

Anyway, as of today, I'm severely depressed, longing for death (but NOT suicidal), and feeling broken beyond all repair. I am looking at the world from beneath the rubble that has been my life however and know that I don't have to stay here forever.

I'm starting to realize that much of my identity has been wrapped up in depression and self-loathing for my entire life.

It's amazing how fast change can happen yes?  I'd venture to say that you did it by looking at some core beliefs, choosing other, more empowering ones, reframing and choosing what to focus on, valuable for all of us, and good for you!

[Meili]

Thank you. Yes, I actually applied the empirical evidence at hand to what I believed to be true.

I had to do something very difficult for me today. I had to put my feelings before those of someone who has been my crutch for many years now. I had to cut someone out of my life that I have relied on for a long time. But, I was relying on her for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to my x when we were together.

She wasn't as good for me as I always thought. She was using me. I was using her. I hid from all my problems in life behind her. I never will truly face my issues as long as I had the opportunity to ignore them and devote myself to her problems. I had rationalized the behavior for a very long time.

I kept this woman close to me through the last third of my r/s with the x. She was a place for me to hid and would give me ego kibble when my x wouldn't. So, no matte how hard my x begged and pleaded, I refused to let go of the other woman. I used to lie about it. I stopped doing that and instead held it right in front of my x's face; completely disrespecting her. FTR, the other woman was a platonic thing, but that doesn't make my behavior any more justified.

So, for the first time in life that I can remember, I'm alone. I'm truly starting from scratch. No real friends that are just mine. No one to hide behind. No one to protect me. No one to control me. Just me.

I'm back to being completely scared, but know that I am a skilled problem-solver and that I can do this.

[fromheeltoheal]

I had to do something very difficult for me today. I had to put my feelings before those of someone who has been my crutch for many years now. I had to cut someone out of my life that I have relied on for a long time. But, I was relying on her for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to my x when we were together.

So would you agree that this is a ripple effect of your relationship with someone with a personality disorder, someone who gives us a wake-up call, the gift of the relationship, and it ripples through our lives for the better later?

So, for the first time in life that I can remember, I'm alone. I'm truly starting from scratch. No real friends that are just mine. No one to hide behind. No one to protect me. No one to control me. Just me.

And a perfect place to create and build the life of your dreams from, a fresh start, yes?

I'm back to being completely scared, but know that I am a skilled problem-solver and that I can do this.   

[Meili]

Yes, I completely agree about the ripple effect. Even as I was breaking-up with the x, I told her something to the effect of "Thank you for helping me learn so much about my life, what I truly want, and what I need to change." Now, I will add the caveat that we must be willing to accept the gift and do the work for the change. My x was a beautiful, exciting, interesting and wonderful woman in most respects. I want to be able to attract a healthy woman like that, so I must become a healthy man in order to do that.

Yes. I have not only been examining my r/s with the x, but with all my exes. I'm looking at the things that I liked about each one. I'm also looking at the things I gave up to have them. The hope is to figure out how to give myself the good without having to accept the bad.