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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Without him. Sad, but strangely better  (Read 512 times)
UnforgivenII
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: July 18, 2016, 06:29:48 AM »

Today is better. I think his presence was itself toxic. Today I think better. I listen again the little kind voice of "myself" comforting myself. I start feeling the reality again. I enjoy the sun.

I want this to last.

It was just his presence, the thought of him, that was so poisonous?can it be possible? May God bless NC!

Please tell me that my NC is at least a bit hurtful for him.Please. Even if you do not think it. I need it .

I will never never break NC
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gotbushels
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« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2016, 07:30:42 AM »

Explore this "better".  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It was just his presence, the thought of him, that was so poisonous?can it be possible? May God bless NC!

Tightness in the stomach from thinking of the ex? It could be hypervigilance or being hyper-aware. This is sometimes how a non copes with being ready for explosive behaviours from the pwBPD. It's put forward as a behaviour that's taken on from being in a relationship with a BP for extended periods of time. To be released from this learned response can be considered similar to being un-poisoned. It doesn't apply to all nons but it might explain a few things.

Yes, it probably hurts him too. Don't get caught into making him hurt on purpose--making people hurt may not be your role.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2016, 09:26:56 AM »

Hi UnforgivenII,

Welcome

If we reversed the roles and were on the receiving end of NC, how does that feel? My ex FIL, MIL and SIL stopped contacting me with no good-byes, I was a part of their family for several years, that hurt alot because I felt subhuman.

Don't get caught into making him hurt on purpose--making people hurt may not be your role.

NC is not a weapon, it's a tool for self protection, it's a buffer to give us space to heal our emotional wounds, to grieve the relationship, and to retool our boundaries.

I will never never break NC

It sounds like you're hurting.  
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
ICantFixHer
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2016, 09:37:01 AM »

Hi UnforgivenII,

I agree -- NC is not a punishment. I was using it as such and my exBPDgf, as I expected, pretty much freaked out and tried everything to contact me, including telling friends one of our cats was first missing, then at death's door. Ex felt abandoned, you see.

I made a choice to hand ex a little power and allow limited contact; she stopped freaking out and my life is a lot more peaceful because of it.

My point being please try to remain flexible. I know this is ridiculously difficult. Please hang in there, and hang out here for more solutions, ideas. This is a lifesaver of a place.
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UnforgivenII
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2016, 03:04:29 PM »

Please do not think I like inflicting pain on other people. I have been discarded and called names and insulted. I have bern thrown in hell with no remorse. I just wanted to know if he missed me. I miss him and yes I am hurting. Does it make me a bad person?
Whatever the reason, I love NC. One day I can imagine he never existed.

My pain is excruciating but I will never surrend to his cruelty again.
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VitaminC
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2016, 03:32:44 PM »

Does it make me a bad person?
Whatever the reason, I love NC.

Of course it does not make you a bad person! It makes you a very wounded person - I think every single member of BPD Family will understand and relate to that pain.

NC is relief, if it's done the right way - to protect, nurture, and be kind to yourself. To gradually begin to let that release of constant tension and anxiety seep away. It can free you from a constant drip of poison that goes straight into your veins.

Best advice I could give is to try and stay peaceful. It may hurt at some point, but that pain can be ridden out - especially if you do the work and slowly try to figure out how you got into that position. Meaning what was being fulfilled in you by a relationship that at some point turned really really bad. At least that was my experience.

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Wize
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2016, 03:47:19 PM »

Today is better. I think his presence was itself toxic.
Yep, it was toxic alright.  And you know it was toxic.

I like to compare a relationship with a pwBPD to walking through a field of thick rose bushes.  We're there for the sweet scent and the delicate touch of the rose pedals, but we're getting shredded by the thorns.  After awhile we look down at our legs and there's blood and pain... .awhile more and we can barely walk because of the wounds.  But we love the scent and pedals feel so good on our skin... .but if we don't get out of that field we'll become immobilized, trapped. We can longer feel the gentle touch of the rose pedals because the pain from the thorns is much more intense.  So we get out, we crawl out bloodied and beaten but drawn back to experience the roses.  But as time goes on, the blooms die and wilt away and all that's left are thorns.  All that's ever left are thorns.
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UnforgivenII
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2016, 05:08:38 PM »

What a spot on way to put it. It is totally true.
Only thorns and blood.
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