Hi bestintentions,
But over the last few days after receiving a text that blamed me for her fractured relationship with our adult children, I've become a bit wobbly again
I understand. My ex was blaming mw for my son's soft performance in school. He has a learning disability and the split hit him hard, he was very anxious. I sought help with mental health services and I take him to his therapy sessions with his lovely Dr, she teaches him CBT.
I'll give credit where credit is due, she is involved I the kids activities at school and does show an interest in their performance but she's enmeshed with the kids, she doesn't know where she ends and they begin, the kids are an extension of her, if the kids are performing softly at school, she takes it personally, like she's a bad mother.
If you look for patterns and it may take time to see them but you'll quickly spot them and it's like your ex routinely reacts a certain way, but a pwBPD will blame shift when they're floundering. To use my son as an example, his performance in school was a reflection of her. This was early in the school year and we had a lit of time to catch up, but she doesn't see the bigger picture, her feelings are fact for her.
My kids were depressed and anxious when my ex split, she just got up, moved out, and moved in with her and the kids with the guy she was having an affair with. The kids didn't get a chance to catch up and process their grief, and she couldn't put that together that she was largely responsible for what the kids were going through, my son was just trying to cope and thankfully he was young enough were they bounce back relatively quickly. She blamed me for his performance in school, I didn't mention but the kids went through a life event, their family was broken because of her infidelity. Her choices in cheating had nothing to do with me.
BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are someone else's fault and not through their own actions, bad parts about themselves are cast unto others or projected. It was frustrating but knowing that she persecutes me regardless because of how she feels internally, I didn't take it personally, my son was important and not how she felt fir the side effects of her bad behaviors.
Don't feel obligated to your ex or rescue her emotionally. In my family, it's the kids and me, the kids and mom, it's not the kids, dad and mom and I stopped rescuing her, an adult doesn't need rescue you rescue animals and kids. BPD is a persecution complex, don't take it on yourself, your not responsible for how she feels.
