This just doesn't makes any sense - 5

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm not asking this question in regards to my own situation, so please no personal advice. I want to see what others have experienced and I want to hear opinions from people who know a lot about BPD and the relationships.


Both sides are guilty of doing the dumping... We leave the BPD and the BPD leaves us... From what I have come to understand is that we leave the BPD because we become too frustrated with their behavior and reach a point of having had enough and we leave... They leave us because they are afraid we will leave them (so they want to do it first) or because we are "painted black" because of a mistake, shortcoming, or an expectation we didn't live up to... Or possibly many other reasons. Is this true? Is this how it usually always works?

Now where does this come into play during or after a breakup?

When it comes to no-contact, who is more likely to contact who?

If the BPD breaks up with the non, how likely is it for them to contact the non? How hard is it for the BPD to stay in no contact? Even if they are the ones who initiated it, do they break their own no-contact rules typically? Will they only contact their ex non again if the replacement doesn't work out?

Does the BPD only break up with the non when they have a replacement lined up? Is there ever a case where the BPD breaks up with the non, without having a replacement, just to remain single? Can they remain single?

If the non breaks up with the BPD, and initiates no contact, how likely is it that the BPD will try to contact the non? And just the same, how likely is it that the non will contact the BPD if the non was the one to do the breaking up?

Is the BPD more addicted to the non or is the non the one who is addicted to the BPD?

If the non is addicted to the way the BPD made them feel then in that same regard isn't the BPD also addicted to how we made them feel?

Overall, who has the harder time staying in no-contact?

Prior:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304431.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305602.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305603.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304770.0

[FallenOne]

I'm not asking this question in regards to my own situation, so please no personal advice. I want to see what others have experienced and I want to hear opinions from people who know a lot about BPD and the relationships.


Both sides are guilty of doing the dumping... We leave the BPD and the BPD leaves us... From what I have come to understand is that we leave the BPD because we become too frustrated with their behavior and reach a point of having had enough and we leave... They leave us because they are afraid we will leave them (so they want to do it first) or because we are "painted black" because of a mistake, shortcoming, or an expectation we didn't live up to... Or possibly many other reasons. Is this true? Is this how it usually always works?

Now where does this come into play during or after a breakup?

When it comes to no-contact, who is more likely to contact who?

If the BPD breaks up with the non, how likely is it for them to contact the non? How hard is it for the BPD to stay in no contact? Even if they are the ones who initiated it, do they break their own no-contact rules typically? Will they only contact their ex non again if the replacement doesn't work out?

Does the BPD only break up with the non when they have a replacement lined up? Is there ever a case where the BPD breaks up with the non, without having a replacement, just to remain single? Can they remain single?

If the non breaks up with the BPD, and initiates no contact, how likely is it that the BPD will try to contact the non? And just the same, how likely is it that the non will contact the BPD if the non was the one to do the breaking up?

Is the BPD more addicted to the non or is the non the one who is addicted to the BPD?

If the non is addicted to the way the BPD made them feel then in that same regard isn't the BPD also addicted to how we made them feel?

Overall, who has the harder time staying in no-contact?

Prior:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304431.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305602.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305603.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304770.0

[ACObound]

The only thing I can come up with is that I was around my ex for so long that I just got habitually used to her traits and characteristics that some of them may have worn off on me too?

I think that its.  When I reflect back(I have been with uBPDw for 36 years) i see myself "joining in" when she painted people black and pushed people away just like she did and does.  I suspect thinking that would make her happy or win her over.   I hurt people in this way and has effected who I am.  But  then I have been dealing and enabling with this for so long I am not really sure I can remember what I was like.  I am struggling with shaking all this off.

[Ragnar1982]

It's gone both ways for me. I've traditionally been the one who can't stay NC and usually apologize, say I'll wait longer and try harder. The most difficult thing in our relationship that helps me stay NC now is reminding myself of that. It was a period of about two months where we talked every day like nothing was wrong, but she was stringing me along the whole time while back with her ex. Days quickly turned into weeks and months through a string of broken dates, obligations, etc. After we reconciled, and I found out she was with him again, and then a third time where I think she was having a full blown affair with me. As much as I love her, I remind myself of these things even though I broke up with her last, but she left me hanging with a very curious text message. I will not contact her, but if history proves right, I don't think this is the last I ever hear from her. I think she thinks right now that she has me in NC. Who knows? It's crazy.

[once removed]

SURVEY | Romantic relationship site surveys

these should probably cover it  

what do you see in the numbers, Matt S?

[joeramabeme]

The only thing I can come up with is that I was around my ex for so long that I just got habitually used to her traits and characteristics that some of them may have worn off on me too?

For myself, I think there are 2 parts to this. 

First, some BPD traits, taken apart from being part of the disorder, are shared by many people; ordered and disordered and are not necessarily unhealthy.  Take for example, mirroring; imitation is a form of flattery, it can actually be very constructive.  For example, an aspiring musician that imitates a performer that they admire.  Point being, that the traits of BPD are not always in themselves unhealthy,  but within the context of the disorder are incorporated into a larger pattern of unhealthy pathology.

Second, other people do impact us; both positively and negatively.  I have experienced hanging around with people that are overly critical and negative and after some time found myself doing the same.  With my ex, I was always up against a black and white model of thinking.  Over time, my decisions and thinking became more black & white. 

I forgot who said it but there is a famous quote; "show me a man's friends, and I will tell you who that man is".(or something like that).  Those we spend time with do have an impact on us and our way of seeing the world. 

You are fortunate, you can see these traits in yourself, and this shows a level of healthy self-reflection that ensures you will continue to grow into a better self.  Consider the possibility that you are not all bad, not all at fault and instead, give yourself some credit for being a good person with a healthy sense of insight that is growing into someone that is going to make better decisions.

[Dutched]

I agree with Pretty Woman
   There is nothing you could have done differently to make this work

Matt S  you say
‘I overreacted to her overreactions’ and ‘my lack of knowledge of BPD is the cause’
And ‘maybe I deserve to be in the situation I’m in now’ …   You deserve…? Really…?
 
I knew about BPD a couple of yrs. before the end. Learned the nature of the disorder, learned to use techniques Even listened and listened to Zig Zigglar about ‘courtship after marriage, romance can last a lifetime’, really inspirational. 

So did it help? Well the outbursts minimized, I knew how not to get involved in that Mt. St. Helens eruptionS.
Re reading my diaries, I read again that for almost a decade already, I tried to concentrate on the positive in exw because of my love, kids, vow I once made and to grow old together.

Start reading the stories on the staying section on how to coop, how to live, how to avoid, how to, how to…
What does it say? Do not engage, change your behaviour, change your reactions, try to understand, etc.
Read those who are in it for decades, as I was, with even 'High Functioning' PBD’s.

Basically I say try to change you personality, your character, better be a different person…
Being constantly alert (you must become your alteryou… ):
* for the way you look at her => WHY do you look like that at me!
* the way you walk, dress, eat => can you … like other people do?
* giving in to an argument => see, you are so weak
* holding on to your argument => you’re so dominant and selfish
* plain forgetting something = > see! You are not trustworthy !

Can one deny him/her self? What does it with one on the long term?
How fulfilling can such a r/s be, merely one sided as I experienced?

This old man,  once gave a younger lad on this board the following to over think.

You experienced the most unbelievable, are in deep pain, drag yourself forward day by day, etc.
You are young, there is no life long ‘bond’ or ties due to kids, you have still a lifetime ahead of you.
The most, really most important of all is that you learned to know yourself beyond imagination!
That very painful experience (maybe a gift?) will help you to find a partner with whom you can grow old, with whom the romance really lasts a lifetime, in a r/s with mutual respect, love and being a team.

[FSTL]

I can't go NC with my uBPDx, but do try for LC.

Once in a while my curiosity gets the better of me and we have discuss how her issues are going. She once dumped me because of how depressed I was, how negative I was, how I was "all over the place".

She has been in therapy for months (I helped her get help), but I had a coffee with her the other day and she told me how depressed she was the other day, how empty she felt inside, how she could never see anything through, etc.

She hasn't changed a bit, other than being a little more self aware thanks to therapy (ie the edges are a tiny bit less sharp).  She was incredibly judgmental towards me and hated what she saw in me, yet that's exactly how she was and still is.

I know there is absolutely nothing I could have done to have kept her as she is so broken she can't be fixed (save for years of work by her, not me).

Matt - please don't beat yourself up... .this isn't about you.

[Skip]

This is a good conversation.

Should we challenge the concept of "blame". It appears 12 times in this thread and in many posts on Detaching.

I am sensitive from my ex blaming me so much, and me blaming myself so much. I think mental health professionals just don't believe it will do you any good to say "it was all her fault" etc.

I agree that this is true for many of us. A lot of us carry this sensitivity forward into future relationships and it does not play out well in the next relationship.

... .other people do impact us; both positively and negatively.  I have experienced hanging around with people that are overly critical and negative and after some time found myself doing the same.  

NO NO NO! Fundamentally it is a question of them not you. There is a huge gaping hole in the center of their souls.

What if, fundamentally, it isn't "about them"?  

Fundamentally, is it really about our ex (and not us)?  Is it about blame? Who was right/who was wrong? Who was healthy/who was not?

Why are so many of us consumed and often hypersensitive about blame? It sometimes goes beyond "our ex blamed us" and extends to "our therapist blamed us", a member here blamed us... .

What if, fundamentally, it isn't "about them"?  

When I say this, do you immediately feel that I'm saying it is your fault (I'm addressing this to anyone reading)? Why? If a golf pro said, your backswing is off, lets work on that.  Would your immediate reaction be... .it's not my fault that I have a bad golf swing?  And would that attitude help you become a better golfer?

Is blame at all useful, determining who was at fault, at all useful now that we are out of the relationship?

What else could it (fundamentally) be?

Many of use admit to having codependent traits? Many of us admit that we should have left the relationship when the handwriting was on the wall. Many of us admit to high number of recycles. Many of us admit to being locked in drama triangles and cycles of conflict over, litigating the same issues over and over.

What is the fundamental thread in all of this and the blaming? What differentiates the guy (or gal) that got involved, saw bad behavior and walked away rather than participate in endless up and down cycles, drama, devaluation, all the way to eventual abandonment?

I would suggest that psychologists would pin most of this on us having poor sense of self - or in more technical terms - poor differentiation. In less technical terms, fragile self esteem.

How did that play out in the relationship and now in the breakup?

In the relationship, we gained a huge lift when someone told use how valuable we were. A person with BPD over-expresses their emotions - they over-expressed the idealization that normally forms early in a relationship - and we hung our sense of ourself on it. This person gets me!

When that person (partner with BPD traits) had criticisms (equally over-expressed), our sense of self tanked and we tried very hard to get them to reestablish the lavish praise they laid on us before. This lead to a lot if drama, and cyclical arguments, and even recycles.

Now that the relationship is over, and we lived through the inverse of the idealization - devaluation, the over-expression of disappointment by the pwBPD traits - are we are still struggling with our lost self-esteem?

What is the cure for this bad "golf swing?"

Is it all about clearing up in our mind who was right and who was wrong in the relationship? Who was healthy and who was not? Which members here are our friends? Which members are just here to make us feel bad? Is reconciling of this going to help us - re-litigating the arguments of the relationship?

Or is it working on understanding our own sense of self worth and if we have some false conceptions/bad habits on how we value ourselves?

Test case. If a member pops into this thread and says, hey MattS, you disappoint me and you have bad character, how would you feel? My guess is, you'd dismiss it - what does that person know about me. But when you ex-girlfriend said it, something different happened - you believed that if she said it, it was true. You tried to convince her not to see you this way, because if she did, you feared it was probably true. You are still struggling with it, even knowing she is one of the more severe "BPD" member partners on the site. If she called you and said, "hey MattS, I've realized that you are really a good guy and anything that upset me in the relationship was just my distorted thinking", most likely you could accept all of this much easier. Most everyone here could.

Is it about her BPD traits? Is it about your self-esteem?

[Duped 1]

I would say it's a lot more about being with someone that's mentally ill than anything else. Did we play a part? Sure but it's pretty minor compared to the BPD in most situations.

[Skip]

Are you sure?

I started trying to understand how I become so dependent and pathetic with a person who treated me so horrible.

What was it that you were so dependent on?

I was the greatest man in the history of the world and what she had been waiting for her entire life. She smothered me with love and compliments, and texted and called so much it was hard to do anything but focus on her.

We this it - your self esteem - feeling like the greatest man in the history of the world?

[Duped 1]

Yes I'm sure. I've never experienced anything like this in any other rs. So yes I'm certain it had a LOT more to do with being with a mentally ill petson than anything else.

[Skip]

I know you spent some time in AA... .

  ... .was the fundamental problem alcohol or your reaction to it (addictive personality)?

Are there any parallels here?

    ... .was the fundamental problem a BPD woman or your reaction to her (fragile self esteem, not durable - poor "differentiation"?

I'm not asking this in a blaming context - rather its about trying to understand what is fundamentally affecting our "golf game" and what to change in "golf swing" so that we can be a better "golfer".

[FallenOne]

I've been posting here for over a month now, and have received some truly great advice and information from the many people on these boards. I couldn't be more grateful for that... Some of you have truly given me a lot of insight into this disorder as well as my own issues.

But it still truly baffles me how these people (with BPD) can do these things?

What baffles me is how a girl I was with for 4 years, who told me they loved me countless times, who stood by me and was supportive through my own ups and downs, who I was fully supportive of through her own ups and downs, who wanted to get married and have a child someday, can just leave me over something so silly and so suddenly?

Here I am, a guy who she had known for years. I'm doing well for myself, I'm attractive, I have a lot of good qualities, good sense of humor, we got along great, had the same beliefs, views, activities, and opinions...

All of the things we went through together... So many ups and downs... Great times, and awful times... We managed to endure and survive all of that... In the end I'm left over an argument over something that could have easily been worked out and paled in comparison to other things that happened in the relationship.

She leaves me, and starts dating a female who has no job and isn't even attractive... What does she see in this girl?

How is it worth it, to throw away 4 years together, all of those ups and downs that we endured, and everything else that we put time, energy and resources into, and leave for some female who she has almost nothing in common with who doesn't even have any great qualities?

This completely defies any reason that my mind can comprehend... .

No talking about it, no resolution, just decides over night that I'm "not the one" after 4 years and everything we had been through?

And even files a PFA against me, for practically nothing other than a few text messages pointing out some truth?

This is someone that I did homework with, helped her with homework, lived together with, sat in the hospital with her for hours, visited her in the hospital, took her on road trips to see her family, took care of her while she was sick, bought things for her, listened to her, gave her advice, helped her get her drivers license, let her use my car, let her use my apartment, was a step dad to her son, helped him with things, helped her move... .and the list goes on and on... .

And none of that mattered? In the end, all that mattered was that I left her in the hospital at one point and defended myself?

She seriously couldn't look past a few mistakes and thought that it was worth it to just throw all of this away over a silly argument and a few past mistakes?

It's just unbelievable... .

[Duped 1]

I'm not saying I was perfect in any way skip but I did try different reactions to her abuse and it wouldn't have mattered in the end. There is a reason she is single and wants more than anything to be married. She is a beautiful girl who treats her partners like s##t and thinks it's ok. It's her normal and she admitted never having a good rs.

[vanx]

Not trying to take over your thread, Matt, but I think it is really interesting, and the way it's developed has articulated a lot of interesting points.

What if, fundamentally, it isn't "about them"?  

When I say this, do you immediately feel that I'm saying it is your fault (I'm addressing this to anyone reading)?

It did, because I was feeling way wounded and sensitive. I'm starting to find the part of myself again that trusts people are trying to help.

I came across a phrase in a meditation book a while back, ":)rive All Blames Into One": "It is quite counterintuitive, quite upside down. What it is saying is: whatever happens, don't ever blame anyone or anything else, always blame only yourself. Eat the blame and it will make you strong."

And eating is is different from prolonged rumination. It's letting go (still practicing to get better).

I cared what she thought about me. I cared/still care about her. I think we all wanted to understand what was going on and get back to getting along. She saw what I loved about myself, and then what I was most ashamed of. Drive all blames into one.

"Or is it working on understanding our own sense of self worth and if we have some false conceptions/bad habits on how we value ourselves?"

Oh yeah. And we can fix this. This is a chance to fix this and never go back to anything less. It sure burns for a while though. The flip from from feeling close to distant hurts like hell.

Matt, you've been through a lot, man. You're not alone working through detachment. Remember that your feelings are worthy. If you did do anything wrong, can you forgive yourself? We deserve the love and forgiveness that we wanted to give to our partner. You deserve this, man.

"I agree that this is true for many of us. A lot of us carry this sensitivity forward into future relationships and it does not play out well in the next relationship."

True. Can't do this again. If we learn what we need to learn, we can stop unnecessary suffering.

Really helpful thread. Thanks to everyone for putting it out there

[once removed]

but I did try different reactions to her abuse

did you try leaving? i ask because i tried different reactions too (i imagine most of us did). for me, that was a very addictive dynamic. what about you?

[Duped 1]

did you try leaving? i ask because i tried different reactions too (i imagine most of us did). for me, that was a very addictive dynamic. what about you?

No but I wish I would have. I talked about it a couple of times and when she became very upset I was there for her, but not for me. My biggest mistake was not taking the red flags seriously and getting out early .

[FallenOne]

I wasn't in a good state of mind when I made this thread. I was blaming myself for the relationship failing... Now that I think about it, everything that I did to her, she also did to me. And she did it first!

Everything was one-sided... Let me think of as many examples as I can think of...


When she broke up with me, the assumption is that she filed a PFA against me because I pointed out (through text message) some of the truths about her behavior to my replacement and one of her friends... The fact of the matter is that she had been telling her friends and family for a while that I was abusive, ruined her life, screamed at her, I was a narcissist, etc... See how it's okay for her (in her mind) to say that stuff about me to those people, but as soon as I do the same thing to her, she takes legal action against me? See what she did there?

In her mind, I'm a "bad guy" for calling the police on her because she sent my replacement to my house to intimidate me. And apparently that's okay, but it's not okay for me to defend myself by calling the police on someone who came to my front door to intimidate me?

Throughout the relationship, it was "okay" for her to speak to her ex's, talk to other guys on social media and do whatever she pleased... But if I spoke to other women on social media, it must have meant I was cheating... If I did any of these things I got scolded for it and it started arguments... But I had to be "okay" with her doing it.

She did whatever she pleased, and if I ever had a problem with it, approached her about it, or told her I didn't like it... I was once again the bad guy! It's like she expected me to just be okay with everything that she did...

I committed a cardinal sin by breaking up with her in the hospital... But it was okay for her to ignore me when I was in the hospital (following an argument) where I called her and asked her to visit me, and she just hung up and said "don't try to control my life"... .

I could literally go on forever and ever with examples of this one-sided hypocrisy that I dealt with for 4 years...

It was okay for her to do something to me, or say something to me, or ignore me, or leave me... .But OHHHH BOY! If I did it, I was an awful, terrible, abusive, misunderstanding person who deserved to be punished... .

See how that works?

[Skip]

My biggest mistake was not taking the red flags seriously and getting out early .

Did you often find yourself in circular fights regarding your value that you couldn't let go of?

Did you often find yourself trying to rekindle the relationship and her idealized image after she devalued you and broke it off?

[Skip]

  Duped 1

My biggest mistake was not taking the red flags seriously and getting out early .

Did you often find yourself in circular fights regarding your value that you couldn't let go of?

Did you often find yourself trying to rekindle the relationship and her idealized image after she devalued you and broke it off?

  FallenOne

See how it's okay for her (in her mind) to say that stuff about me to those people... .

In her mind, I'm a "bad guy" for.

But if I spoke to other women on social media, it must have meant I was cheating... .If I did any of these things I got scolded for it and it started arguments...

I was once again the bad guy!  But OHHHH BOY! If I did it, I was an awful, terrible, abusive, misunderstanding person who deserved to be punished... .

See how that works?

Are these examples of her over-devaluing you and it hitting close to home and your need to change her thinking to feel good about yourself?

Did you yourself arguing at length and repeatedly over time in an attempt to get her to change her image of you - rather than just saying, "she's just distorted and impulsive state, when she returns to baseline she'll think more balanced", or "she's conflicted right now, and I can't fix it, and that's ok, it's better if she works it out herself (self-sooth)".

That is one of the most frustrating things right now... That I still love this person and they cut me out of their lives overnight and got an RO and I have no explanation, no reasons, no closure, no nothing... And I'm not even able to make any legal contact to try and resolve this

Do you hope, even now, to reconnect with her with a goal to square up your image in her minds eye, so you can feel better about yourself?

[once removed]

And she did it first!

reread that a few times  

Everything was one-sided... Let me think of as many examples as I can think of...

i think anyone here will give you that she didnt fight fair. i must have spent months having fights with mine in my head. it can be productive and have its place. it helps to know what we are doing when we are doing it - how we cope. and to remember the fighting is no more. we can let go of who is right or wrong and focus on whats within our power. its a big load off.

[Tosquinha]

I feel ya Matt.  Same here, except she'd always shove me away when there was some turmoil.  If she was in the hospital for a procedure, she didn't want me there.  If she was sad, I was not to comfort her.  For what it's worth, she left me for another female too, but I'm a lesbian as is she so go figure.  She refered to us as a power couple and then I guess found an employee who thought the world of her and so, distracted she is.  She left me sitting at home alone on Thanksgiving to go to her employees house. 

I'm started to see that's just how it is.  They keep us around as long as we think such great things of them but just as soon as they feel any disappointment, instead of working through it, they just go find some other person who thinks they are great.

I'm off this rollercoaster though.  i want to love someone and think they are great, but I want to be loved in return and not have someone run off when something difficult happens.  She broke up our family twice now and I've moved.  I've changed my number, she doesn't know where I live (and didn't even bother to ask when I moved).  I don't want any kind of contact with her.

My T told me recently that she isn't likely grieving the end of this relationship because she's distracted by another.  I don't know which is worse... .sitting here with the thoughts and questions and pain, or wishing I could just move on too. 

[Gear Jammer]

The biggest mistake is getting involved with a BPD, ya as much as you hate to kick somebody to the curb you have too.

As for fighting the BPD that was in my life it didn't matter if I fought back or not she actually thrived on fighting. When our relationship was going too smoothly she picked a fight I really don't remember on what it was because it happened frequently. When we were just friends she was un happy with her new relationship she would pick fights with me.

When she fought with the staff she worked with she would get angry and walk away they were plain anger fights. Fights with me involved emotions on both sides she wouldn't back off she would vent her emotions. If she didn't get a reaction from me it would hurt her even more. Its what I hated about being with her I don't partically enjoy fighting I avoid doing it.

Fighting is all to create drama which the BPD I was with craved she loved drama I told her I hate drama in my life I avoid it like the plague she kept creating it.

I've been away from her over 2 years she's out of my life I hate to say it but good riddance. I've seen/seeing the damage she's doing to the guy she's with now. I didn't let her damage me as much as she's doing to her current man who is nearly on his death bed because of her. Pretty sure he's an NPD its why they are still together feeding off each other.

[FallenOne]

Are these examples of her over-devaluing you and it hitting close to home and your need to change her thinking to feel good about yourself?

Those are examples of how hypocritical she was. It was seemingly justified (from her perspective) to do something, but if I did the same thing, I was this awful person. Why did I get yelled at for things that she was also doing that I seemingly had to accept and be okay with? The best example here would be telling her friends and family lies about me, but I expose the truth about her to someone and I am a threat? Huh?

Did you yourself arguing at length and repeatedly over time in an attempt to get her to change her image of you - rather than just saying, "she's just distorted and impulsive state, when she returns to baseline she'll think more balanced", or "she's conflicted right now, and I can't fix it, and that's ok, it's better if she works it out herself (self-sooth)".

Yes, I found myself in a lot of arguments that didn't seem to go anywhere and just frustrated both of us... But if I let it go for her to sort out herself, I was accused of "sweeping it under the rug" and trying to push it aside.

Do you hope, even now, to reconnect with her with a goal to square up your image in her minds eye, so you can feel better about yourself?

Yes. I just want to know why I'm only seen for the few mistakes that I made rather than the dozens of good things that I did? Why doesn't she see any of that? Why does she only see my shortcomings and mistakes?

[ynwa]

Hey Matt.  

I've seen you going through this and being present with your feelings.  I commend you also on learning what drives your ex to "make no sense".

It's got to be hard and you have handled it well. As well as you can.  In any relationship that ends, there will be many regrets, unanswered questions, and just plain old confusion right?  The end result is a divide that must stay that way, for little or no reason.  

But maybe a take a look at what answers and reason you DO have.  Your mind HAS comprehended it, and your feelings said "NO THANK YOU".

You mention often leaving her in the hospital.  I know that was tough, and I know you feel so much regret.  But something in you perhaps had seen and been through enough?  You needed a breath, and something in you had to leave to get it?

You maybe put yourself first for the right reasons, in a not so good situation?
In the long term, someone with BPD, even with high functioning traits, this is THEIR constant. Small issues and petty moments become the focus, while the actual BIG moments are just ignored. To stay with her, this would more than likely become your constant.

Matt, I wish you were not in this boat.  I and others are in boats right along with you.  

[stimpy]

It's just unbelievable... .

Matt, I get where you're coming from. It is literally unbelievable, and so hard to wrap your head around. The suddenness of the discard, the lack of attempts to resolve (or even identify) whatever the problem was leaves us bewildered and hurt. Like the relationship meant nothing. How can that be?

Which is where researching all we can on the disorder helps to rationalise what doesn't on the face of it make any sense and it helps to depersonalise it.

A couple of comments in your post rang very true with me as well.

we got along great, had the same beliefs, views, activities, and opinions...

Don't forget about mirroring. Without  a proper sense of self, she may have mirrored the better more positive aspects of your personality and character and that might be why it seemed like you'd met someone with so many similarities to you. And this will happen with the next person she meets, and the next... .and the next

Meanwhile all the talk if settling down and having children etc... .may well have begun to trigger her fear of engulfment (also linked to lack of a proper sense of self) and with that very destructive emotion rising in her, one final trigger might have been enough to set her fears into overdrive, and that led to the sudden discard.

And one other comment you made rang true to me as well.

This is someone that I did homework with, helped her with homework, lived together with, sat in the hospital with her for hours, visited her in the hospital, took her on road trips to see her family, took care of her while she was sick, bought things for her, listened to her, gave her advice, helped her get her drivers license, let her use my car, let her use my apartment, was a step dad to her son, helped him with things, helped her move... .and the list goes on and on... .

Did she reciprocate and treat you with equal kindness and generosity? Was it an equal relationship of give and take? I was the same as you, early on in my case she brought out the "white knight" in me (by doing the victim thing), and I felt I had to save this girl, and be better than all the other terrible people she had encountered in her life. So I helped her, bought her stuff, listened to her, etc... etc... .

But really, that was a huge mistake. The relationship was one sided, and if I upset her, wow could she punish - with silent treatment and blaming and shaming, all the usual things. For her, I think it was all a technique, a manipulation, to pull me into her world, and into the FOG, and for a time it worked.

Now though I know that she is a very damaged and damaging person, and she has finally disappeared out of my life after a year of stalking.

But like you, I look back sometimes, in utter disbelief at the discard, and how brutal it was. For me, things were going well (or so I thought), on the Wednesday I took her to my home town (about 200 miles fro where we lived) took her to all my childhood haunts, the schools I went to, the homes I lived in, and the special places that meant a lot to me. It was very personal, very much me emotionally opening up to her. It was an amazing day, and I thought we were set. Two days later, I get a text at midday saying she was thinking of me and hoping I was well. Five hours later I get a text saying I'm dumped and she doesn't want to have any contact with her.

To this day, it still staggers me that someone could do that.

But when I put my rational head on (not the emotional one), I know that this was the push after the pull. This was her feeling engulfed and not being able to stand it, and having to push as hard as she could to get me out of her life as I'd triggered deep emotional pain in her that I doubt even she fully understands herself. Feelings are facts, and her feeling was that of emotional suffocation, that was my fault, and so I am to blame, so I must be dumped.

The disorder wins, and she and I lose. It is so sad. In the months after the discard, I saw her sometimes, and she looked hollowed out, and aged so fast, really sad... .Even now it upsets me, where did the lovely vivacious funny girl I first knew go.

[FallenOne]

The suddenness of the discard, the lack of attempts to resolve (or even identify) whatever the problem was leaves us bewildered and hurt. Like the relationship meant nothing.

Right. The bewildering part is that so many other worse things came up over the 4 years and she never left then, from any of those problems, she worked through them with me... And then something comes along that seems like no big deal, and she leaves...

Why do they never give you any reasons or explanations?

Meanwhile all the talk if settling down and having children etc... .may well have begun to trigger her fear of engulfment (also linked to lack of a proper sense of self) and with that very destructive emotion rising in her, one final trigger might have been enough to set her fears into overdrive, and that led to the sudden discard.

She was the one who first started talking about children and settling down... I never pressured her with this topic. Why would she be engulfed by her own ideas?

[FallenOne]

Did she reciprocate and treat you with equal kindness and generosity? Was it an equal relationship of give and take?

Sometimes. I didn't have any serious needs like she had. Her life seemed to be a mess thus she needed tons of help with a lot of things... I didn't need that kind of help. She usually reciprocated my support with things like sex, or taking me out. When I did have things I needed help with, she helped me as long as she didn't have something she needed done... .which came first.

[stimpy]

Why would she be engulfed by her own ideas?

Because it became real.

[stimpy]

Why do they never give you any reasons or explanations?

From what I've read, for a person with BPD, that person's emotions are much stronger and more intense compared to you and me, and they in effect drive that person. They are overwhelming, but she doesn't understand them. She just knows she must get away from you (to avoid engulfment or to pre-empt abandonment), but the emotion is being driven from unresolved issues from childhood that have left her unable to process and control emotions properly.

Think of a 5 year old child trying to deal with adult emotions and then that 5 year old child trying to explain what she is feeling to you and explain how it is driving her behaviours.

Alternatively, if the pwBPD has narcissistic (NPD) comorbidity, then it could be a knowing manipulation, to pull you back in, as she will know that you will want closure, so it keeps an attachment going, and keeps her in the one up/control position as you chase to get that closure or try to re-engage.