Trying to figure out what to do

[Eagle7]

This is my first post.  I just discovered this board, and hope it will provide some personal help in coping. After years of bewilderment and frustration, I'm coming to the realization that she my have BPD.  I just stumbled onto this, but when I looked at the list of symptoms, it all lined up with high-functioning BPD.

We have cycles of highs and lows in our relationship, but never seem to be able to stay in a happy, sustained place.   

I'm so exhausted and frustrated, but persevering.  As I begin to read more of the archived material on this site, I hope something will be helpful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

This is my first post.  I just discovered this board, and hope it will provide some personal help in coping. After years of bewilderment and frustration, I'm coming to the realization that she my have BPD.  I just stumbled onto this, but when I looked at the list of symptoms, it all lined up with high-functioning BPD.

We have cycles of highs and lows in our relationship, but never seem to be able to stay in a happy, sustained place.   

I'm so exhausted and frustrated, but persevering.  As I begin to read more of the archived material on this site, I hope something will be helpful.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very sorry you're going through this and my experience was similar.  I had a daughter diagnosed with BPD as a teen, only to figure out years later that my ex-wife likely suffered from it as well.  It's much more common than people realize and it's a heartbreaking mental health condition.

What are some of the things you've seen that make you think BPD?  And have you found any help in the archives? 

A lot of the time, we can't do anything about a loved one with BPD- they'll get treatment when they realize that they actually want it.  We can't push though because it only makes things worse (sometimes, much worse).  But we can change how we communicate and show empathy...which can also make a huge difference in turning the relationship around.

So please, ask questions, rant away, or do whatever you need to get to a better place.  We're here for you regardless and there is hope!

[Me88]

Keep in mind that even if they decide to get therapy, there is a good chance it may not work. My ex had a psychiatrist and psychologist for many years, was on a handful of medications for adhd/anxiety/depression, and it was not enough. Nothing could ever help her see her emotions, anger and outright abuse was anything but my fault. Add in reactive abuse from me, and everything became justified and I was a villain to her and everyone she shared one sided stories with.

I second working on your communication style. I failed at that, because I could not empathize with made up stories, twisted scenarios and her abuse. I couldn't find it in myself to understand and acknowledge her pain when I was on the receiving end of horrible treatment.

Look up the JADE argument technique. I'm sure you do it, and it is a sure way to make things explode...even when you are 100% in the right.

[Eagle7]

Thanks Pook And Me88 for the replies. 
 The things that point to BPD are:
-- her long history of sabatoging every close relationship she starts to develop. 
-- poor self worth /unlovable self-image
-- withdrawal from/rejection of emotional intimacy whenever we start to develop it (despite her insistence that she desperately needs intimacy)
-- her position, despite all this, that any problem in our relationship is 100 percent my fault
-- mind-reading behavior,  i.e. inability to accept my validation of her feelings unless I completely capitulate to her perception of what's going on in my thoughts (true or not)
-- her childhood history of neglect and SA

There's more indications, but that's a partial list. I don't think her therapist is correctly dealing with or diagnosing her. We've had couples therapy, multiple times, but she always walks away from it whenever the T hones-in on what her issues might be that are problematic, because, again "I'm the one, and the only one who has a problem."

I'll be digging through the archives, but any pointers would be great.  I'll look into the JADE technique, I haven't heard of that.  Thanks again.

[Me88]

Thanks Pook And Me88 for the replies. 
 The things that point to BPD are:
-- her long history of sabatoging every close relationship she starts to develop. 
-- poor self worth /unlovable self-image
-- withdrawal from/rejection of emotional intimacy whenever we start to develop it (despite her insistence that she desperately needs intimacy)
-- her position, despite all this, that any problem in our relationship is 100 percent my fault
-- mind-reading behavior,  i.e. inability to accept my validation of her feelings unless I completely capitulate to her perception of what's going on in my thoughts (true or not)
-- her childhood history of neglect and SA

There's more indications, but that's a partial list. I don't think her therapist is correctly dealing with or diagnosing her. We've had couples therapy, multiple times, but she always walks away from it whenever the T hones-in on what her issues might be that are problematic, because, again "I'm the one, and the only one who has a problem."

I'll be digging through the archives, but any pointers would be great.  I'll look into the JADE technique, I haven't heard of that.  Thanks again.

don't you love that everything is your fault? and yeah, you can't validate them. Anything you say isn't good enough and you're expected to just know. Has to be spoken exactly how they want to hear it. And forget about apologies, your apologies to them have to be point by point and address everything they perceive.

Does she have any other diagnoses? On medications for depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar? Most of these people tend to have multiple mental health issues.

[Eagle7]

No meds and no other diagnoses (previous history of diagnosed depression). 
Yes, the apology thing can be agonizing.  Capitulating to her tainted view of me feels like lying to myself, and it only reinforces her conviction that I'm the problem.  Yet, arguing or defensiveness leads to extreme aggression from her, and validation ("I understand you feel that way", no matter how sincere/empathetic) is never enough.  It's a conundrum, and I don't know how to deal with it.
To be fair, my mishandling of the relationship in the past did, in fact exacerbate the situation.  I was trying to deal with her rationally and explain things, and I did withdraw emotionally for my own sanity. 
I'm operating differently now, but I've given her lots of ammunition to use against me.  I don't judge her for this, I understand it's her condition that's behind her inability to forgive and move on.  I know she really loves me -- I'm convinced of that -- but she really is very deeply conflicted and I need to work with that (and keep myself healthy while doing it).
It feels really good to have found this discussion board.  I thought I was the only one out there dealing with this.

[Me88]

You'll see, and be surprised that many of our stories are identical. The phrases they use are far too common as well. It's as if they're all the same person.

I feel that fully, they'll accuse you of something, assign intent to your words or actions, and if you disagree you're gaslighting them, they don't feel heard, you have no accountability etc. It drives you insane.

And yeah, I used to always say that 'I understand you feel hurt by what I did' (even if I didn't do it). You cannot use logic or reason with them. That's what 'JADE' is. In normal arguments you can justify things, argue your point and defend yourself, but what I've learned with them is that their emotions are reality. You have to agree with their perception 100% that you're the bad guy an they're the victim or else nothing gets better. At least that was my perception.

I thought mine really loved me too. But we never know what's happening behind our backs. Mine triangulated everyone into everything painting me as toxic and abusive. I was uninvited to things and hated by the end. That's why I left mine. No one wanted me around anymore due to her lies and exaggerations.

[Me88]

also....agreed, an inability to forgive and move on. Every argument becomes a highlight reel of everything you've done wrong. Lots of it revised from what actually happened. Hardest relationships to work through.