Ex texting me all the time

[MintGreen]

I'm new here and found this forum out of desperation.  My ex-wife continues to text me with angry questions about why I left, why I lied (I did have an affair after 30 years of marraige with my ex), and how could I do this to her. It never stops. I have answered all these questions multiple times, gone to her therapist with her, paid for her to have private residential treatment, given her the house and enough money to live very comfortably for the rest of her life and she still will not stop harassing me. Telling me how awful I am and how I ruined her life. I'm so tired. Really tired. I gave her all I had for 30 years and I need a rest. It will never be enough for her. How do I stop the insanity? We still must talk occasionally about finances so I cant just cut her off. PLEASE. ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME.

[Mutt]

That sounds really exhausting. After a 30-year relationship ends, especially with the kind of hurt involved here, it’s not unusual for the person who was left to keep going back to the same questions and anger. Unfortunately, more explanations rarely seem to bring the closure they’re hoping for.

Sometimes what helps is shifting the focus away from trying to settle the past and toward structuring communication going forward. If finances still require contact, some people find it useful to move those conversations to email and only respond to practical topics. The emotional accusations don’t always need a response.

If you’re comfortable sharing a bit more, it might help to know how long you’ve been separated and whether you’re still responding when those texts come in.

[Under The Bridge]

I can't imagine how mentally exhausting this must be - you've done all you can for her which is highly commendable but you're still suffering through her actions.

Although your relationship is over, you still need to set solid boundaries to cope with the fallout. As Mutt says, only respond to 'business' texts and ignore anything personal.  Hard to do, I know, but you have to put yourself first and foremost now.

Is there any way you can finalise all financial matters and go solid no-contact?

[MintGreen]

Thank you both SO MUCH for the reply. I truly feel so alone in this. We have been separated about 1.5 years and legally divorced about 7 months. The divorce agreement stipulated that she would stay in the house and I'd continue to pay the mortgage. This keeps her in a much nicer home than she could otherwise afford (with the dog, who I also want to keep in a home) and I retain partial ownership of the house. Unfortunately, it also means we have to collaborate on home maintenance issues. So, we are tied together financially. She is retired and I am much younger so continue to work 2 jobs to maintain her lifestyle and my own living expenses.  This is my reward for being the only one working in the home the past 20 years. Lol. Anyway.....I'd be far less bitter about working myself into exhaustion to afford this court-ordered arrangement if she would just leave me alone. For the past 1.5 years I have been held hostage to suicide threats and weekly / sometimes daily (all day while Im trying to work) texts about how I need to do or say or confess this/that/the other to "help her move forward." But she is NOT moving forward no matter how much I have tried to "help." I remarried a few months ago and did not tell her - on the advice of my own therapist - because she was suicidal over the holidays. Of course she found out and was FURIOUS I didn't tell her myself. This supports her constant narrative that I'm a selfish lier that can't be trusted. For the life of me, I can't figure out why she even continues talking to me if that's how she feels (other than to punish me). In her mind, it's up to ME to help her move forward. When I ask how to do that or what that would look like she literally says she does not know. Ok, then what am I supposed to do then?
Reading this back, I feel ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous. I'm driven by extreme guilt, I guess. I spend a lot of time wondering if I really am an awful person. I just want this to stop.

[Mutt]

It also sounds like a lot of guilt may be keeping you pulled into trying to help her move forward. Many of us here get caught in something we call FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. When someone we cared about for a long time is hurting, it can feel like it’s somehow our job to help fix it or give them the answers they need so they can finally move on.

One hard thing many of us eventually run into is that closure usually isn’t something we can give another person. Even when we explain ourselves over and over, the pain is still there and the same questions keep coming back. At some point the focus often shifts away from trying to settle the past and toward figuring out what kind of boundaries we need going forward.

The suicide threats you mentioned are also really heavy to carry. Most of us here eventually learn that those kinds of threats are best handled by professionals rather than trying to manage them ourselves. If that happens again, it’s okay to involve crisis services or encourage her to reach out to her therapist instead of feeling like you have to hold that responsibility alone.

It might also be worth talking through some of this with your own therapist - especially the guilt you mentioned and how the suicide threats affect your ability to step back from the conversations.

[CC43]

Hi there,

The residual relationship you have with your ex sounds exhausting.  Basically you're her landlord now.  Would it be possible for you to limit your communications to landlord-related issues only?  Any other correspondence is spam--and you could choose to treat it like spam, by sending it straight to the trash bin.  I don't think you should explain this new "policy" to her, just start doing it.  When she sees that her rants, questions and accusations don't get any reaction out of you, she might get bored and stop bugging you.

Look, your ex isn't seeking explanations or closure in my opinion.  She's looking for continued drama, maybe to try to extract additional confessions or concessions out of you, to get you to "atone" and pay her back even more because she thinks you "owe" her.  She might want to see you suffer, thinking that will make her less miserable?  I'd say, none of that works.  It hasn't worked in 30 years, and it won't work for her now.  So don't engage.  Don't "dignify" her whiny/angry/waify/miserable/accusatory texts with a response.  Don't give her your attention.  You have better things to do.  You are looking forwards now, not backwards.

Nevertheless, if your ex is unrelenting, might you consider selling the property and giving her her share of the proceeds?  Then she would be free to find a new landlord.  How does that sound?  You might think, she can't handle leaving the house.  But I'd say, YOU left the house, and you are fine.  I actually think it might be a good idea for her to find a new place, because her memories wouldn't be triggered all the time.

Any communication you do have with your ex could use the BIFF formula, which is designed for high-conflict individuals.  Be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm, just as a landlord would be.  Brief, to minimize possiblity for argument.  Informative, sticking to the facts.  Friendly, meaning polite and respectful, yet distant.  Firm, to end the conversation and minimize debate.

There was a time I received emails and texts from family members that I found bothersome, because they tugged at my emotions sometimes.  Then I decied I'd become more "clinical."  When I got new messages, I'd scan them for content and  categorize them:  Is this message a complaint (e.g. I don't call enough)?  If so, ignore--I don't "do" complaints by text, only in person.  Spam (e.g. forwarding a chain letter or a cat video)?  If so, delete.  Bragging/looking for reassurance or recognition?  If so, send a heart or a thumbs up.  Request for me to act when it's none of their business/not my responsibility?  If so, ignore.  Maybe only one in thirty messages was important, and those I'd attend to.  But the rest--I'd just "process" them as quickly as possible and move on.

[CC43]

P.S.

I re-read your posts and saw that your ex is making suicide threats.  Normally I'd advise people to offer to call 911 when their pwBPD makes a suicide threat.  If they agree for you to call, they get some professional help.  If they don't want you to call, then maybe they aren't serious about it, and you know you did what you could to help.

But your situation sounds unusual, because you are divorced and lead separate lives right now.  Now more than ever, you are not "responsible" for your ex's moods, and you aren't necessarily experiencing her moods in real time, either.  Unless she's in a live conversation with you and talking about suicide, at which point you could offer to dial 911 for her, I think you should ignore her messages.  She's old enough to know by now that if she needs help, she can dial 911 or 988.  Maybe you could remind her of that just one time:  If you are suicidal, you can dial 911 or 988.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  You've received great advice so far and I don't have much to add.  But I did wonder if you considered hiring a property manager, or anyone really, that could serve as the go-between for home-related needs.  There's no reason it has to be you specifically to talk about a leaky faucet or lawn maintenance.  It could just as easily be a friend, a neighbor, a family member, etc.

By staying somewhat connected to the home and the former marriage, it could make it harder for your ex to move on.