I left again and now life feels empty (6th time posting)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have posted here a few times over the years. I've left and went back to the relationship multiple times so this seems familiar. I understand logically that leaving was best for my kids and for myself but its hard to get over the sudden change. I am used to constantly de-escalating her mood swings or trying to keep her from lashing out at the kids so now with all of this free time I dont even know what to do with myself. I have been trying to oversaturate myself at work to stay busy but I am getting burnt out.

The last 2 years with my ex have been terrible. She choked me 3 or 4 times over the last 2 years, beat herself up and threatened to call police to say I did it, threatens to kill herself over relatively small inconveniences, and yells and says awful things to the kids.

I tried to leave before and she hid my keys, wallet, and physically held onto me to prevent me from leaving. I was able to get my dads help to get myself and the kids out without her going too far overboard.

Once I left, she tried to get me to come back by saying that she will get a job (money was never the deciding factor in my leaving) and she said she got terribly sick and wanted me to take care of her. She never acknowledged anything that she did wrong and frames it as if I am just abandoning her "for no reason". 

From a distance she can make herself look perfect, and most people around her fall for that, I certainly did a few times. I have not been perfect but would never put her and the kids through the things she has put us through.

I know things are better without her and it will take time for this attachment to fade, when I left initially I was excited for her to find a new boyfriend and move on but I am starting to feel weird about it. Why does she get to easily just be happy and feel no guilt about what she has done? I feel tremendous guilt for leaving, but my kids reassure me a lot that I did the right thing. They do not want to talk to her at all and they avoid her phone calls and my older daughter even blocked her. When we went back my daughter told me that her mom "did not change" and she was right. After the kids saw me get strangled she jokingly said "I told you so".

Typing these things out does help sometimes, reviewing notes I have taken and even recordings of her outbursts. Its just been a difficult day for me with these thoughts so I am venting on this forum.

Thanks to anyone reading, this forum has helped me a lot in the past.

Links to previous posts below for more context
First post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357510
Second post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357620.0
Third post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357862.msg13210462#msg13210462
Fourth post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358853.msg13217681#msg13217681
Fifth post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358853.msg13217681#msg13217681

[NotHereButHere]

I have posted here a few times over the years. I've left and went back to the relationship multiple times so this seems familiar. I understand logically that leaving was best for my kids and for myself but its hard to get over the sudden change. I am used to constantly de-escalating her mood swings or trying to keep her from lashing out at the kids so now with all of this free time I dont even know what to do with myself. I have been trying to oversaturate myself at work to stay busy but I am getting burnt out.

The last 2 years with my ex have been terrible. She choked me 3 or 4 times over the last 2 years, beat herself up and threatened to call police to say I did it, threatens to kill herself over relatively small inconveniences, and yells and says awful things to the kids.

I tried to leave before and she hid my keys, wallet, and physically held onto me to prevent me from leaving. I was able to get my dads help to get myself and the kids out without her going too far overboard.

Once I left, she tried to get me to come back by saying that she will get a job (money was never the deciding factor in my leaving) and she said she got terribly sick and wanted me to take care of her. She never acknowledged anything that she did wrong and frames it as if I am just abandoning her "for no reason". 

From a distance she can make herself look perfect, and most people around her fall for that, I certainly did a few times. I have not been perfect but would never put her and the kids through the things she has put us through.

I know things are better without her and it will take time for this attachment to fade, when I left initially I was excited for her to find a new boyfriend and move on but I am starting to feel weird about it. Why does she get to easily just be happy and feel no guilt about what she has done? I feel tremendous guilt for leaving, but my kids reassure me a lot that I did the right thing. They do not want to talk to her at all and they avoid her phone calls and my older daughter even blocked her. When we went back my daughter told me that her mom "did not change" and she was right. After the kids saw me get strangled she jokingly said "I told you so".

Typing these things out does help sometimes, reviewing notes I have taken and even recordings of her outbursts. Its just been a difficult day for me with these thoughts so I am venting on this forum.

Thanks to anyone reading, this forum has helped me a lot in the past.

Links to previous posts below for more context
First post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357510
Second post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357620.0
Third post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357862.msg13210462#msg13210462
Fourth post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358853.msg13217681#msg13217681
Fifth post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358853.msg13217681#msg13217681

[ForeverDad]

Welcome back, though of course we wish your return was signaling a more joyful note.  But you do have a hint that you've taken reality in hand and are overall in a better place than before.

I know things are better without her and it will take time for this attachment to fade, when I left initially I was excited for her to find a new boyfriend and move on but I am starting to feel weird about it. Why does she get to easily just be happy and feel no guilt about what she has done? I feel tremendous guilt for leaving, but my kids reassure me a lot that I did the right thing. They do not want to talk to her at all and they avoid her phone calls and my older daughter even blocked her. When we went back my daughter told me that her mom "did not change" and she was right. After the kids saw me get strangled she jokingly said "I told you so".

I doubt your ex is truly happy, well, not in a healthy way.  As for her feeling no guilt, that's probably due to her warped (disordered) thinking and perspective.  Members here often speak of the Karpman Drama Triangle.  Your ex probably embraces the Victim label, you as the Persecutor and her new guy as one of her Rescuers.

Can you share how your court ordered parenting schedule is split, percentwise?  We encourage our members, as the more reasonably normal parent, to seek as much parenting authority and time as possible.  Here is one of my past posts...

There is no single fix that resolves all the concerns.  However, there are partial solutions that can improve circumstances.  Many here faced with this quandary eventually turn to the courts to enable giving the children part of their lives calm and stability in a separate home.

Part of my leaving is so that my kids at least have one place they can go to that is stable and where they can feel safe and not be verbally abused.

Exactly!

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

Likely your children would benefit from counseling, just as you benefited.  (Your ex might oppose that, but court would likely side with you.  As my lawyer told me years ago, "Courts love counseling.")  Your example - and the input of counselors too - will help the children to be balanced in their selection of mentally healthy relationships in their own lives as adults.

[Under The Bridge]

Why does she get to easily just be happy and feel no guilt about what she has done?

Her 'happiness' will not be the happiness we non-BPD sufferers would have; it will only be bursts of happiness during her ever-changing emotions.  She can never stay in one mental state long enough to truly enjoy it as we would. For every burst of happiness there will be more chaos and turmoil in her life as her moods swing.

As for feeling no guilt, she probably does feel some guilt at times but due to her illness is unable to express it so re-writes the facts to enable her to cope with it. My exBPD of 4 years never once said 'sorry' or even came close to acknowledging she'd acted badly.

I've often said that I'm sure BPD's are far more aware of how they're acting than they would have us know and they do feel guilt to some degree but are unable to deal with it.

[NotHereButHere]

Thank you for your responses.

I left this time around the end of March and when we were split up before, we never actually finalized the divorce or custody arrangement. I previously had a temporary protective order from CPS and she had supervised visits at a church scheduled for about a year. She talked me into meeting outside of the supervised arrangement and she put on the extra charm which eventually led to us getting back together and the court case was abandoned.

Now I have left again and did not call CPS or file for a protection order yet. Currently there is no custody arrangement an I have had both kids with me 100% of the time. I had gotten a DWI about 4 years ago, I missed court once it was filed two years later and she would always start a fight about me wanting to get it resolved. I think she liked that she could hold that over me since I could not renew my license at the time and it looked bad on my end and I think she wanted to keep it that way. Once I left I turned myself in to get that resolved so it’s no longer a warrant. 

When we left in March she would call the kids on FaceTime and try to inflate how great things are and she would go over the top with “acting” suddenly interested in them. My daughter even said she was performing and if we were there she would be the same angry mom we have come to know. I told her some people are just better from a distance.

That was when my daughter blocked her and they stopped answering her FaceTime calls. I didn’t know about it yet at the time and I didn’t want to completely cut off communication, but with how she can manipulate me I thought it was best that I at least avoided contact when possible. She texted me one evening and said “I haven’t heard from the kids in 48 hours, I’m calling the cops”. I promptly responded and said everyone is fine. She said, or I read it this way, in a snarky way “Oh too late I just got off the phone with them”.

The police showed up and said that she had called a welfare check and mentioned several times that I have a warrant, so she was trying to get me arrested out of spite. They said everything looked fine and they advised me to get a protective order against her.

After that I blocked her too, I didn’t want her to have that kind of control over my life and she can call the police if she wants, I am taking care of everything I need to. I feel I should get a protective order so at least something more recent is documented.