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Author Topic: Silent Treatment  (Read 425 times)
tagworth

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« on: March 22, 2017, 10:48:49 AM »

Hi,
I'm new to this board and trying to learn how to post! So please bear with me!  

My 20 year old daughter with BPD lives with me. She is not working and not in school. For the past week she has been giving me the silent treatment after I told her she could not go on vacation with  me and my boyfriend. While on vacation she texted me and said, "what the F am I suppose to eat? There is nothing to eat in the house."  This she said, "I f ing hate you and wish your would die."

When I arrived home I walked in her room and said hello. Nothing.  I have gotten a hello as she in the past 2 days as she walked in to the kitchen to get a plate of food for dinner. Daughter was very engaged with 14 year old sister when she came over for dinner on Monday night.

Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions?
Much appreciation!
 
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
SammysMom

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2017, 11:00:58 AM »

The silent treatment is her way , of getting what she wants... .don't let her. She figures if she gives you the silent treatment long enough that you will cave. The 'what am i supposed to eat, there's nothing to eat in this house?' and ' i hope you ___ing die' comments are guilt trips... .i swear, its built in to BPD sufferers! However, do not let it work on you.
I would just put a note on the fridge for her , simply stating.
I do not HAVE to take you on vacation , to go anywhere with me is a privilege not a NEED.
There WILL be food in the house, as i will be going grocery shopping before i leave.
And as for your comment , of you wish i were dead ... .how would you eat if i died?
Love you.
If you would like to continue to give me the silent treatment it is fine, that is up to you.
But i have answered your questions and statements.



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Lollypop
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 11:55:43 AM »

Hi there Tagworth

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum. You've come to the right place for support and information about BPD.

My adult son 26 has returned home three times so I understand what you're going through.  We hadn't taken our BPDs in holiday since he was 15 as he just didn't want to go. To be honest, it was always a nightmare coping with him. He didn't want to go but always felt abandoned. There was of course the odd chaos party while we were away so he got into trouble anyway. We couldn't win.

With respect, if you want to better interact with your daughter then improving communication and validation skills are really important.  Communication is actually more listening than speaking. Validation skills can help drama from escalating.  

Your daughter is feeling a lot of emotions, she can't help the way she behaves. She wants you to understand her.  It sounds as if she's pretty tricky  right now and difficult to handle There's a lot that you can do to help your situation but it's literally baby steps.

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD and learn.  This will help you not to react to her behaviours.  Better communication (face to face) and validation is needed so that your daughter can understand that she's being heard, that you undetstand how she's feeling. That doesn't mean you think she's right.

This forum has been my lifesaver. My bpfs26 has steadily progressed since I changed my approach. To behave like an adult, he needs to be treated like one. He's treated respectfully as a fellow adult.

Have you approached your daughter so she can tell you what's wrong?

How is she supporting herself, if at all?
LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
tagworth

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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 12:35:24 PM »

Thank you Lollypop! I was just watching Dr. Fruzetti's (sp) video on validation.  Yes, I need to sit down with her and ask speak with her.

She is not supporting herself at all. She lost her job in February and has been just lying around since that occured. Sigh.

Thanks again!
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2017, 02:43:56 PM »

Hi tagworth,

I'd just like to add to what Loppypop said about reading as much as you can about BPD, a pwBPD have dependency issues, they rely on others for things that adults should really do on their own, BPD behaviors are not something that a pwBPD have control over. There may be some validity to what D20 said, she may of really been worried about how she was going to take of herself if you're gone, obviously you can enjoy a vacation with your boyfriend alone, my point is don't take it personally, it's something that D20 is going through.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2017, 07:53:08 PM »

Hi Tagworth 

Scooting over from your introductory post Tagworth to welcome you, Smiling (click to insert in post) Dr. Alan Fruzzetti's video is so enlightening as you say, it was one of the first resources I fortunately came upon here too, opened up my, our world for learning  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 

Wondering if your DD has access to treatment?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
tagworth

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« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2017, 12:17:09 PM »

Hi Wendy Darling,

My daughter does have access to treatment. We went for an eval at a facility that she was in last year.  It was recomended that she go inpatient. She then decided she only wanted to do partial hospitalization.  We arrived home from the treatment facility and she said she would take action on partial hospitalization.  No action on her part. Fast forward 4 weeks later, anger ( i believe from feeling abandoned by me), silent treatment, days and nights completly confused and no bathing.  Last night I asked her if she wanted to go out with me and get a milkshake.  She said no because you will take me to treatment. I responded by saying, "dd, going to treatment is up to you. It's your choice."    She then said she really didn't feel like going out.  About 5 hours later (2AM) the tornado storm sirens went off for our town. She came to my room and got me so we could take shelter.  I took that as a good sign. At least she cared enough about me to make sure I got to safety! While in shelter we laughed some about the situation and the silly show she was watching. I was happy to see laughter and smiling from her.  But goodness, the smell sure was bad in that small sheltered space considering she hasn't bathed in weeks... .Sigh.   I do hope for treatment for her.  A mom can hope, can't she?
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Lollypop
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« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2017, 02:21:15 PM »

Hi Tagworth

Yes we sure can hope, we are professional hopers!

It was good to hear you had a Few laughs and you've found some humour in the situation.  I remember posting one week about one improvement seen: my BPDs bought himself an old belt from a thrift store to replace the string!

Hang in there!

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
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