BPD wife lasted 3 weeks. Best course of action?

[abraxus]

Well don't beat yourself up about it too much. These things happen, and it seems that no real harm was done. Just learn from it and keep moving forwards, and look at the positives.

The fact that she asked about two houses is an enormous positive. It's now switched from her insisting she was going to move out, to her asking you about it. So, take every little step like that as a big win, instead of expecting miracles to happen overnight.

It's natural to want it all at once, but you can only get there by taking one small step at a time, and consolidating on that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Husband321]

Well I took your advice and didn't bring anything up last night or this morning.

As I was leaving for work she said "if I can I would like to stay the night tonight too"

I said I was glad she was staying, and once again liked her school idea.

Still in limbo but it appears she might be coming around

[abraxus]

There, you see. If you say calm, she stays calm, and things seems to get better.

You we're convinced she'd be gone by today, and yet she's asking stay again.

DON'T be tempted to ask her of she's still looking for a place. Just forget the subject. If you ask her, she may say yes, because you've put her on the spot, and she will feel embarrassed and won't want to appear to have backed down. Just go with the flow and act normal.

If she mentions it, and say that she is, or has found a place, then don't react. Just repeat that you're happy for her if that's what she really wants, but calmly remind her that you've told her what you want, and would prefer her to stay.

[Husband321]

It's almost like torture for me... .

Came home yesterday and she is making small talk but just seems shut down.

I just left her alone for a bit to do some work on my lap top outside.

We started talking about us.  I led into it by asking if she is ok.
Probably a mistake. 

She said she still wants two houses and didn't remember telling me yesterday that she wanted to work it out and go to school.  Also notice wedding ring was off.  Which upset me. She said "what's he point to being together? I just don't want to be married"

I said ok fine.  I can help you pack stuff in the morning if you like.  She then got mad. Mad face.  Said she didn't understand.  This morning she is telling me she loves me, and wants to stay one more day to really "think"

[abraxus]

Not sure how many times I can say it, but I'll try again.

DON'T talk about "us" or the relationship, and NEVER bring it up or lead into it, however subtly, EVER.

Every time you do she'll back away, until you push her away for good. I'll tell you one thing for a fact, she will never remember what she said yesterday, or even five minutes ago. She can only think in the moment, and so the minute you make her feel uncomfortable by putting pressure on her and asking if she's ok, or talking about the relationship, then that's the uncomfortable feeling that you, and you alone put her in.

Don't fall for any over affectionate behaviour on her part either, by getting carried away. Don't be dismissive either, just accept it, but perhaps a tiny bit grudgingly. When she gives, you give, but just a little less, and when she pulls away, you do too, but a bit more.

Taking the wedding ring off and talking about houses are tests, to see if and how you react, and you seem to fall for it each time. You presented a more dominant persona, by telling her what you wanted, and that you won't settle for less. That stopped her in her tracks, and has caused her to stay put for now. However, she's not simply going to trust your words, she's going to keep testing you, relentlessly, to see if your actions live up to them. So, each time they don't, like yesterday, she'll back away again. She's really not being as fickle as you may think, she's just acting in an uncertain way, because your inconsistency is confusing her. All she's doing is reacting to you and your nervousness, which puts her on edge, whereas your calm confidence relaxes her and makes her more comfortable.

As you can see, the minute you stood your ground again, and said you'd help her pack, she reversed again and got confused once more, and was upset.

Thankfully though, you still haven't done irreparable damage, as yet again she's asked to stay one more day to think. You really do need to stop feeling tortured and recognise how much progress this is, given that she was meant to be gone yesterday. Whatever you do, do not ask her how she's feeling, what she's thinking, or talk about the relationship. Definitely don't ever say that you're upset, as that will be seen as a sign of weakness on your part, and she'll pull away hard, possibly for good. Just act naturally, as though everything is normal, and that things are going your way, even if it doesn't feel like it.

The only reason you feel tortured is that you want everything now, and that's not going to happen; so if you need that then you may as well give up now. Expect at least a month before you get back to any kind of stability, and expect to be tested hard throughout that, so be on your guard and keep your emotions in check. Use that month to take things slowly and gradually assert yourself. Show that you're not afraid of uncertainty, and can take things in your stride.

You also need to understand what progress is and what it looks like, so you can feel more confident as you go along. What it isn't, is her declaring undying love and saying that she'll stay forever, as firstly that's unlikely, and secondly it's meaningless, as five minutes later she can forget saying it and change her mind, especially if you get too carried away and enthusiastic. Progress for now is simply every single day that she stays and doesn't move out, and so be glad of that, as it's huge.

As I said before, even if she does move out, DO NOT react, as it will likely be another test, especially if you trip up again. If she brings up the subject of two houses, then calmly remind her that you've already told her that's not what you want, but that if she really and truly wants it, and doesn't want to be yours, then you'll respect her wishes and wish her all the best.

I know it's hard being in the middle of it, but trust me, things are going far far better than you think, and way better than you expected a few days ago, so try to remain positive.

[F50Lurker]

Run and don't look back.  That's your best course of action.  Good luck.

[Husband321]

So yesterday she brought the topic up.  She said "I have been thinking and decided I want my own place"

I more or less said "you know I won't accept that.  But if you have to do that then it means the end of us, but I'll help you put the things in your car" I said I was going out to eat and she is welcome to come.

She wanted to go with me. While out to eat she explained to me what triggered her.  The constant bickering and coldness over the weekend. She then said she wants to stay married but have her own place. She asked the waitress if it is a good idea to live alone as a married couple.  The waitress thought she was crazy and said of course not.

The night went well and she told me she can't live without me.

This morning she woke up and said she has a lot to do today.  And needs to find a new hotel. I told her I'm not going to be with her if she decides to randomly ray at hotels when she wants.

She then said she won't get a hotel for the rest of this week. But will look for her own place next week.  I said ok that's fine.  But you know I won't have a marriage or relationship like that.

She then told me she was happy she was staying. Is this constant testing to see if I remain in control? It seems when I let her go she won't. Where as before asking or begging led her to be more entrenched. 

[abraxus]

Your last paragraph tells you everything you need to know. When you let her go she comes running back, but when you beg or chase she moves away. It's what I've been telling you all along, stand firm and let her come to you.

The fact she talked about, and told you what triggered her is a huge positive step. The bickering she's talking about is when you bring up things like the relationship or her ring. That puts pressure on her, makes you seem weak and needy, and so she sees it as bickering, can't handle it, and pulls away.

So, as I keep saying, don't ever bring up the relationship, or any issues, and NEVER talk about your feelings. Just act normal, as though she's living back at home. Never say how well things are going, it will trigger and she'll panic, just let her feel it by your actions. Be a little warmer towards her, and make her feel rewarded for staying, but don't go overboard. The more you act normal about her being there, the more she'll feel that it's normal and the right thing to do.

I know you panic because she keeps talking about hotels and moving, but you need to remember that it's not what she says that matters, it's what she does. She was meant to be going on Monday, and has now said she'll stay till next week. That clearly says she doesn't want to go, and just needs you to stand firm and reassure her it's the right choice. Be warned though, you can't do that by discussing it with her, bringing it up, or logic and reason. You can only do that by your actions and standing your ground.

Yes, she is testing you, but please understand that she's not doing it deliberately and probably doesn't even know she's doing it. Her tests are instinctive reactions, to protect herself because she feels vulnerable. She feels insecure about the relationship and needs constant reassurance that you want her and won't let her go. Nothing you can say to her will change those feelings, and it's only your actions that keep reassuring her, so keep it up.

I know it seems crazy that she feels so insecure, when you love her so much, but that's just the reality of how she thinks, and no amount of reason or logic will get round that.

Hopefully you're starting to see just how powerful your actions are. Every time you slip she backs off, but as soon as you stand firm again she comes back. The fact that she's staying till Monday should make you more comfortable and give you some breathing space. Just use that time to relax and enjoy each other's company. Never panic or slip, be calm, in control and a little more dominant, even if you don't always feel it inside.

If you're uncertain of anything, or unsure of what to say or how to act, then don't react hastily. Take a breath, take your time and, if necessary, just ask.

With each day things seem to be going more and more your way, so try to remember that, no matter what she may say, and remain positive.

[Husband321]

Well I am taking your advice although not perfectly. 

She seems to be a master of mixed signals/confusion.

This morning positive signs.  She is going to get her stuff from the extended stay hotel and bring it home. She asked me what to cook for dinner. Said she is not staying at s hotel anymore... .

Then when all is fine, and I am leaving for work she says "I just have so much to do today. I need to find a house to live in"

Which again, I tell her "ok that's fine.  You know how I feel".  Then she says "I told you from day one I don't want to live together". Which led to me basically saying "fine. Just leave now.  I'm tired of all this". She said she wants to stay.

Now she is sexting  me while I am at work asking what she should wear when I get home.

Is there a point I should lay down an ultimatum? Is she respecting me while using this extreme push and pull? 

[abraxus]

Yes, she is respecting you, after all she asked you what she should wear. Do not, under any circumstances, lay down an ultimatum.

I know the push/pull is hard, but she's not doing it deliberately, and probably isn't even aware of it. In truth she's as much a victim of it too, as she's being pushed and pulled by her own emotions, which she can't control.

You seem to be doing fine, although try not to react when she talks of getting a house. Just keep calm and pay more attention to what she does than what she says. If she brings it up and looks for a response, just repeat that you've told her what you want.

What I suggest you do for now is text her back telling her what you want her to wear for when you get home.

[Husband321]

She texted me she possibly might want to work things out under certain conditions.  I said tell me and I'll think.

1.  she will move back in once I find a new home for us as she does not like living in the same house I had with my ex wife.

2. Wants me to trust her and not go through her phone (we never had codes and she is guilty of this as well. Probably happened 3 times on my part.  3 on here)

3. Wants to go back to school (1 yr program)

4. Wants to start a family.

So clearly these WERE our plans, but I am not even sure how to respond knowing she can just disappear like this at anytime, and has the means to do so.

[abraxus]

Well you just have to either put aside your fears of her disappearing again, or decide you can't and move on, as that's nothing you have any control over... On the plus side, you've seen how your behaviour has affected things positively, so if you can keep it up she may be more consistent.

Did she text you those 4 points? Are they things that you wanted all along anyway?

If so then that looks pretty good. From supposedly leaving you a week ago, she's now saying she wants to work things out in a way that you stay together.

If possible, try to avoid discussing big things like this over text, at least in any detail, as it can get rapidly out of control. I suspect she may prefer it as it feels safer than face to face if she's not sure how you'll react. So, reassure her, and tell her your pleased that she's able to tell you what she wants, and that you like her thinking, and that it seems you both want the same things. Tell her that you're really pleased with her for being so open, and that you appreciate it. Then remind her what to wear for when you get home.

[Husband321]

I got home last night and we had a quick conversation about her conditions.

I agreed with most, not all , and she had no resistance.  Said she loves me so much, and is so happy we are working things out.  She is moving stuff back in. Her expressions, way she looked at me, kissed me all changed for the positive.

Interestingly already today she said she doesn't like her school idea. But is texting me she is seriously so happy.

So I am also pleased.  However I am not sure how she went from so cold to 100 percent "in love" without much of anything really changing.

[abraxus]

I'm really pleased to hear that things are going so well for you.

Also, give yourself some credit. In fact give yourself a lot of credit. You say you're not sure why she's done a complete 180 without much changing, but a lot has changed. The most important thing that's changed is how you've handled things. Instead of reacting and panicking, you've stayed calm, at least on the surface and from what she can see. You've calmly accepted anything she's said, whilst confidently saying that you want something different, and standing by it.

That confidence, stability and consistency seems to have certainly eased her insecurities, confusion and doubts. It's made her feel more stable, and so her response is to feel happy and to show it.

So, try to maintain that. The key is to avoid extremes, as that rubs off and makes anyone anxious. If she says or acts negatively then stay calm and revert to your position of reluctant acceptance, whilst stating what you want. If she's happy and positive, then share and enjoy that, without being too over eager or excited. Too much either way will scare her off, so it's about finding that middle ground. You seem to have found that, so just make sure you stay there, no matter how hard she may try to pull you out of it, in either direction.

[Husband321]

Well all was good for about a week. 

She also said she wants to buy a puppy to keep her company at home.  So she did. Then 2 days later she bought another puppy.  My son was in love with these puppies as well.

Then on a Sunday night I guess I said something wrong.  She packs all her stuff and puts it in the car.  Where it stayed.  She stayed with me every night though but said she was "done".

Yesterday she bought my son birthday gifts.  We had a birthday party.  Yet she is still "done"

On a hunch this morning I check a "sugar daddy" website.  Her ex mentioned this site long ago so I looked.   She has been active on the site within the past day. 

I confront her.  No remorse.  First a few lies.  Then she admits it.  Says "well it's easier than a marriage".  I asked her to leave.  She did but wanted to stay. Her profile was very sexual in nature.  No photo of her but hidden photos.  Saying she wants a high sex drive, she is uninhibited, wants to travel etc


So now I am stuck with 2 puppies as well.  Totally destroyed emotionally.

[g2outfitter]

So I just read through this whole thread for the first time... .I can't tell you how many times I cringed.  Your story and mine have so many similarities it is scary - luckily my exBPD had to keep the dogs.

Tell me Husband321... .is having to consult with abraxus on which hoop to jump through for the rest of your life really what you want?  Do you really want to wake up every single day of your life wondering if I make one mistake today will the shoe drop... .again?  That's a classic case of walking on eggshells!

I bet you would give your left arm to have a stable and secure life with your wife.  Do you think that could realistically happen?

I know how hard it is for you but you have to somehow find a way to walk away.  Seriously, I know how hard that is... .I lived your life for three years.  My exBPD was my life and I loved her and her daughter unconditionally.  She said so many things to make me think she felt the same.  For every crazy moment she gave me, she gave me 10 fabulous moments.  Unfortunately, it was the crazy moments that ultimately dictated her life, and our life.  My exBPD was the one who actually ended things so luckily I didn't have a choice (or else I would still be jumping through the hoops) but I am telling you... .as much pain as I am in right now, which it practically unbearable, I know I will be better off in the long run.

Just an fyi... .my exBPD changed the security code on her phone as well because she started cheating on me.  She would kiss me goodbye before work and tell me how much she loved me, then leave the house to go spend time with my replacement.  Then come home and tell me how great I was and we would make love.  Then the next day, she was having lunch with him.

My exBPD wanted to be in a relationship (mainly because of her fear of being alone), yet wanted to live the life of a single person.  Because of that she would set standards on how I should live as a loving partner, yet she didn't live by those same standards. Obviously, me being unfaithful was a mortal sin... .yet she seemed to think it was permissible on her side of the street.  I get the impression your wife wants to have that same freedom by living in two different houses.  She wants her cake and eat it too.

You have every right to see every single thing that is on your wife's phone and if you ask to see it, you shouldn't feel guilty for doing it.  Seriously, abraxus tells you it was a mistake to ask for her phone, but the fact is it's only a mistake because you're dealing with a disordered individual.  It may be a mistake because it wasn't the right hoop to jump through to keep your BPD wife from getting upset that day, but it wouldn't be a mistake with anyone else.  Besides, any normal wife wouldn't have a code on her phone that you didn't already know.  Think about that!

Also, no healthy individual would want to be "The Property" of anyone and they sure as heck wouldn't tattoo that on their butt.  I say that from experience because my exBPD had several "cover up" tattoos that she impulsively got, then had to fix with a different design later.

I don't care if you hired abraxus and paid him a million a year to tell you what to say and do every second of every day of your life... .in the long run, it will still not work out (and it's not because abraxus doesn't know what he is talking about).  It won't work out for many reasons but mainly because of these two: 1) she will never change who she is nor will she ever be happy.  You can lay your life down for this woman or you can do every single thing abraxus tells you and she still won't be happy.  2) you will have to be someone you're not and because of that, you will not be happy.  You will actually have to become completely indifferent on your feelings of whether or not your wife stays with you, or leaves.  When she threatens to leave, you have to actually feel it in your heart that you could care less and be more than willing to accept it if she does... .in order for her to stay.  Now how does that make sense?  Personally, I couldn't get to that point with my exBPD.  I never became indifferent on whether we were together or not.  If I had, she probably would have stayed because to be honest, we would have been on the same emotional level.  Stay if you want because I love you, but if you don't, meh... .I'll find someone else.  I just can't live with that mindset when I love someone so deeply.

Keep in mind, you shouldn't have to play the game with someone you love.  You shouldn't have to play the game with someone who loves you.

Trust that what is meant to happen will happen.  Trust that people who are supposed to leave will, and those who are supposed to stay will be by your side.  Trust the decisions you are the right ones for you, not for someone else.

I wish you the best my friend.  I do not envy you because I have very recently been in your shoes.  It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life but I just have to believe that I will be so much better off without the dysfunction that had permeated my life.  Much peace to you.

[Husband321]

You know, it was odd when we "got back together" and all of her things were still in her car and storage. And every day going out of her way to drop hints she is leaving, yet at the same time acting like a perfect wife and step mom

Like kissing me goodbye.  Making love several times  a day. Cooking a big dinner.  Holding my hand in bed alll night. Just to tell me she is leaving.

She never admitted she lied. When I had undeniable proof of her online sugar daddy dating account she said "I never cheated.  Of course I am looking.  I told you I am leaving " that was today. 

Where as the day before she swore on my kids life, her kids life, her own life she is not on any dating sites and just wants to be alone to work on herself.

Abraxus makes good points that work.  But it is near impossible to sustain with someone who is never happy.  Either I would be too nice.  Too boring.  To mean. Too jealous. Not jealous enough.  Too possessive.  Not possessive enough. Etc

She would be super sexual, then all of a sudden just push you away.  Like certain things then not like them.

She changed her mail delivery address at least ten times.  Put her life insurance in my name to change it. It was just constant and total chaos.

[Portent]

I feel for you I've been there too. I've done the "radical acceptance" and walking on egg shells. Its not worth it. If its not you dont pretend to be something you are not. I'm a very confident person. My BPDex was attracted to that but I couldn't maintain it to the level that she demanded. I do have emotions. No man is that confident unless they are NPD which is why the NPD/BPD is the most toxic of all relationships because it is the BPD's match. The only person who can have the level of confidence that hte BPD demands is a totally fake user of people and they bleed the BPD dry.

[Husband321]

She would also say I would come home and not be "happy enough" to see her.

Just last week texting me how she is so happy we are together.  Wants to be with me forever.  Then boom.  Join a sugar daddy site and put all her stuff in her car and storage.

When I met her she was living out of her car.  She still is.  Even with close to a million liquid in cash.

now she just texted me "I never cheated. Not once".  Totally ignoring the fact she is on a sugar daddy dating site while newly married.

[g2outfitter]

She would also say I would come home and not be "happy enough" to see her.

Just last week texting me how she is so happy we are together.  Wants to be with me forever.  Then boom.  Join a sugar daddy site and put all her stuff in her car and storage.

When I met her she was living out of her car.  She still is.  Even with close to a million liquid in cash.

now she just texted me "I never cheated. Not once".  Totally ignoring the fact she is on a sugar daddy dating site while newly married.

My exBPD insisted she never cheated either... .but she was a pathological liar.  Eventually she admitted that she did.  I assure you, in some distorted way, your ex does believe she has been faithful.  She is convinced that creating a profile on Sugar Daddy is not actually cheating since she hasn't actually performed the physical act of cheating (we assume).  Or, she is convinced in her head that you two are no longer together so whatever she choses to do at this point is acceptable therefore she isn't cheating.

Please understand... .I am not here to try and make you feel bad.  I know how much you are hurting but I want to tell you the truth.  You have to eventually wrap your head around what is truth and what is fiction.  I would have never believed in a million years that my exBPD could have not loved me and or cheated on me because I was absolutely certain she was just as dedicated to me as I was to her.  Nonetheless, the cheating and mountain of lies happened right before my eyes. I eventually discovered the truth but I still didn't want to believe it.  My therapist told me what was going on, but I didn't want to believe it.  My family and friends told me what was going on but I didn't want to believe it.  Hell, looking back on it, my exBPD basically showed me what was going on, I just couldn't get my stubborn head out of the sand.

Your wife is playing you, exactly as my exBPD played me. 

Me and my ex lived together for three years but all of a sudden and out of the blue, she said she needed space and wanted me to move out.  I spent 10 days trying to convince her not to end things but it didn't matter, her mind was made up.  So I moved out and got an apartment.  Within a few days she would come by and visit.  She would text me daily saying how much she loved me and missed me (I had no idea about the replacement). We would go to lunch and she would kiss me before she got out of my truck and tell me how much she loved me... .then go meet my replacement.  On Father's Day she texted me in the morning and said that she missed me and wanted me to come see her (I practically raised her infant daughter so Father's Day was special).  I told her I would come by later but I had plans to spend most of the day with my own kids.  Later in the evening I texted her to tell her I was headed her way but she responded with "No, not now, it's late and I am going to bed."  It was 7:30 pm.  I later found out that the replacement showed up at our house unannounced so she had to make sure I didn't come over to find out the truth.

Your wife knows that if she tells you what you want to hear and jumps in bed with you that you will hang on for as long as she needs you too.  She knows what she is doing.  She sees you as a security blanket while she partakes in whatever activity she wants to satisfy her needs.  Again, she seems to act like my ex - live the life of a single person, but make sure her security blanket is at home at night in case things don't always go as planned.

Granted, I am making assumptions because I am not in your shoes and I don't know all the dynamics/specifics but I am serious when I tell you, your story mirror's my own in so many ways.  The one thing I have come to find out about Borderline, is how eerily people with BPD act alike.  It truly is an unbelievable phenomenon.

Get away from this... .you are better than that and you deserve so much better.  You see the red flags... ."MY Property" tattoo, living in a car with a million in cash, lots of short term relationships in the past, unstable mood swings, irrational behavior, push and pull, unstable relationship with her mother or family.  You see them but you want to ignore them.  I bet your wife is gorgeous, has an incredibly charming personality and let's not forget about the million bucks.  You have convinced yourself she is the best you will ever find again.  I assure you, that's not true. 

My exBPD would often tell me how she is "trash".  I would always tell her that wasn't true, that she was much better than that.  I finally came to realize that you should always listen to what people tell you about themselves.  It's usually always the truth.

Nothing can substitute for your happiness... .no amount of looks, charm or money is worth living on eggshells.

[Husband321]

Yes.   In the past while dating she would make an arguement out of nowhere, take off, hook up with ex, then say it wasn't cheating as we weren't together.

When this episode started a couple weeks ago (she had a hotel but was with me every night and staying at my place) she would just say "we are married.  I would never see anyone for many months. I just need to work on myself". 

She probably never thought in a million years I would find her profile.  But it was just saying she wants no strings, she is sexually uninhibited, and needs a guy with a high drive."  Literally made me sick and when confronted she had nothing really to say.  Except "I never cheated, and I told you I was moving out". Along with "I never lied.  I told you I didn't want a relationship.  This isn't for a relationship. It's no strings". But one week before literally was trying to get pregnant and buy a home with me.  We looked at several.

I really just can't do it.  I'm not even that hurt to be honest. Past hurt from her was worse. She got everything she was asking for for an entire year, then did this.

I'm glad I had her leave today instead of dragging the limbo out longer.  I at least feel I had some control. Instead of having sex with someone and playing house with a woman who is cheating or looking to while pretending to be in love.

[Husband321]

Some other things that made it so difficult I had no idea how to cope with.

Once everything was "good" between us:

1. Then sometimes she would see a ghost she claims follows her. This would ruin the night.

2. Certain aches and pains. A migraine. Neck.  Some pain in her side.

3. Family drama.  She is not close to any person on earth.  Can't stand her mom, sister, and estranged from kids. (Mistakenly made me think that made me more important in a way)

4. Just come home and she is cold.  Won't tell

So when I look back, about 20 percent of the relationship was amazing, the rest was all about her.

She was very generous with money and amazing with my son. Loved to cook although that was always sporadic.

Her days were spent working towards a certain goal for weeks, just to quit near the end and decide she didn't want that. (Look for a beach house non stop. Then a lake house.  Then her own house.  Then something about a business. In the end never took any little step to actually finish anything. )

[g2outfitter]

My exBPD was sick ALL THE TIME. She was always complaining about migraines, stomach aches, back pain... .it amazed me how someone so young (40) was always so sick. She would always change her goals as well... .wanted to go to dental school was the last one but it was just a bunch of talk.

I hate the disorder, not the person. It's extremely frustrating and sad.

[Husband321]

Now she is already texting

"I loved you from the beginning.  Sucks really bad because I still love you. It's crazy"

[Portent]

My exBPD was sick ALL THE TIME. She was always complaining about migraines, stomach aches, back pain... .it amazed me how someone so young (40) was always so sick. She would always change her goals as well... .wanted to go to dental school was the last one but it was just a bunch of talk.

I hate the disorder, not the person. It's extremely frustrating and sad.

I think that they really are sick. The sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive with borderlines due to their over active amygdala. They are constantly in fight or flight and this tears their body's apart in the long term.

Why do you think that the cornered animal is such a common analogy? Because that is he part of their brain that is most often in control

[Portent]

Now she is already texting

"I loved you from the beginning.  Sucks really bad because I still love you. It's crazy"

Well take a gamble. Do some research here about how to broach therapy for her. That is your only option if you want to be with her. Without therapy she will not change.

[g2outfitter]

I think that they really are sick. The sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive with borderlines due to their over active amygdala. They are constantly in fight or flight and this tears their body's apart in the long term.

Why do you think that the cornered animal is such a common analogy? Because that is he part of their brain that is most often in control

I totally agree with you. I always suspected the BPD caused all her ailments. It was her internal struggles that caused physical pain.

[g2outfitter]

Without therapy she will not change.

Bingo!

[g2outfitter]

My apologies to Husband321 and everyone else on this forum. I've been posting in the wrong board. Husband321... .I pray that you can find a way to make your marriage work. Believe me, if I could, I would still be with my ex. I hate this disorder more than anything because it does so much damage to so many really good people. I wish you the very best and pray you and your wife find happiness. I pray that for everyone.

[Mutt]

The topic of discussion has reached it's post limit and is now locked. You're welcome starting a new thread with a similar or new topic.