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Author Topic: Mom with BPD, in no contact mode  (Read 423 times)
SeeingClearly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« on: March 23, 2017, 11:59:48 AM »

Hi everyone,

I'm an adult child of a BPD, possibly NPD mother. Since Christmastime when my mom had a crisis and brought festivities to a screetching halt, my dad and I have been researching BPD and NPD.

We've learned a lot since then. I've read Kreger's "Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" and my dad has found his own resources. He's convinced she has NPD.

As a 40-year old married adult, my husband and I live a few states away from my senior parents. Since the holiday incident, my mom and I have been incommunicado, and my mom and dad (who live together) haven't spoken of the event. She had been controlling/demanding, authoritative, compulsive, denigrating, manipulative, and when confronted (I begged my husband not to), she bolted from the house and spent the remaining four days of her visit in a motel not speaking to anyone.

Her demanding behavior isn't new to anyone, but the extreme nature of her reactions and compulsive behavior seems to be worsening. In the past few years our relationship has been rocky and I struggle with her inability to respect boundaries and her need to tell me how to live.

At this point, although I feel truly gifted by the discovery that she has BPD and/or NPD, I struggle with residual anger. My life is far more peaceful when in no contact with her, but I feel unsettled that we're not speaking. I realize that I will never have the reciprocal relationship with her that I attempted, over and over, to have. That is VERY CLEAR to me now. What isn't clear is do I attempt to reconcile? When we are speaking, she's what people call an "Ignoring Mother," so when in relationship with her, there's very little in it for me, ultimately. My motive, beyond letting go of the anger, is to be a compassionate family member to someone who is sick (with clear boundaries and limits). I don't want to use no contact to punish; it's been used mainly to heal and think. Maybe I've done enough, but I'm not sure.

I'm open to suggestions from other family members of BPD/NPD foks as to how to proceed, whether or not I get back into contact. I've been reading and practicing the communication strategies in Kreger's book, and doing forgiveness meditations.

Thank you.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2017, 05:14:56 PM »

Hi SeeingClearly,  

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time, a r/s with a pwBPD/NPD can feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. I can relate with not getting validation from someone that suffers from BPD.

Excerpt
. My life is far more peaceful when in no contact with her, but I feel unsettled that we're not speaking.

I think that you're in a good place here to validated your anger, this is a place where you won't be judged or invalidated for your thoughts and feelings, many of us here have or had someone in their lives that is a pwBPD or displays traits of, we're not professionals, only a professional can give a diagnosis but what we can look at are traits.

It's OK, I'm in minimal contact with my exUBPDw because we have kids, self protections is about taking the adequate time and space from someone that won't respect our boundaries or continuously tries to cross them, it's for us to heal, rebuild, do self work and move the r/s into a direction that is a more positive one. I can understand how difficult it is to go no contact with parent  You're not alone. To answer you're question about getting into contact, do you feel like it's the right time for you? My advice would be to talk about it, take as much as time as you need. I'd like to hear what others have to say.
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SeeingClearly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2017, 10:54:38 AM »

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for your response. I very much appreciate you sharing your experience and perspective. And I love your pug pic!

I can't say I feel ready yet to continue the relationship, as when I think about it, I feel very stuck. Fear and dread have me a bit imobilized; mainly that my mom will yell at me when I call and that it will move the r/s nowhere. Honestly the thought of calling is very demotivating. (You know the saying about going to the empty well for water?) What's also demotivating is I'm 40-years old and afraid of my mom yelling at me.

But here's the internal struggle: I've been learning that my old expectations of having a concerned, considerate, "normal" mom are unrealistic. Also, that it's not useful to expect that the relationship will be symbiotic (it hasn't been for a long time). So intellectually, by framing her as possible BPD/NPD, I'm learning to grasp that it just may not be possible for her to behave with kindness or consideration to me or others as she is now.

Emotionally, I struggle with this awareness. I feel I need to let go of that wishful thinking and instead focus on having compassion for a person I view as sick and struggling. It's a permanent shift in how I view our relationship and what I expect from it. But it's a big jump! Suspecting she has BPD/NPD helps me in that I am gaining insight into how difficult her world may be. But it feels unkind to cut out someone who's suffering. Conversely, I'm protecting myself by being in no contact. It all boils down to that my heart is just not in that compassionate place that I want it to be in order to reach out.

I used to be in AlAnon (respective to another relationship) where I learned about letting go of expectations and resentments. It may be a good time to revisit their literature. And I'll explore this forum for more tips and advice. I'm open to any other thoughts on my current situation, thank you.



 
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Fie
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 803



« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2017, 01:48:44 PM »

Hello Seeingclearly  

I want to echo Mutt and welcome you !

Seems like you have a lot of insight already. I am sure you will find a lot of support here. We all know how it is to have to deal with someone with BPD.

My mum is BPD, my dad is enabling and has I think narcissistic traits. We are very, very low contact. I always kept the door kind of open so my child would have a bound with them, but I am reconsidering and I would prefer NC. My parents don't contact me  often, and when they do they only want to meet my daughter (triangulation). Next time they contact I plan on declining their request to meet up with my child.

You sound like a very compassionate person. Are you also compassionate with yourself ?
It's great to want to feel compassion for your mum. But does this equal with wanting to see her ?

I sometimes feel compassion for my mum. But it doesn't mean I want to see her. Even if my compassion would grow and grow, and become immense, I still would not want to see her. Does that make sense ?

Are you aware that children of BPD often were groomed to feel bad if they denied there parent something ? Are you familiar with the concepts of 'fear, obligation and guilt' ?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

In my eyes being NC with a parent (be it temporary or not) does not equal not loving them.  I am NC with my BPD grandmother and I do love her. But I just am finished with craziness.

Also I would like to point out that BPD / NPD are not ilnesses. They are character disorders. That means that someone who has it can work on him/herself. If wanted.

Please keep posting, we are here for you !

Fie
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madeline7
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 343


« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2017, 08:24:35 AM »

Hi SeeingClearly,

I too have been NC since late Dec. with my uBPDMom, and attempted recently to have LM contact with her. Although I know she will never change, my reasons were to try for the sake of my 2 young adult children, so we could all be at family events in order for them to have the legacy of an intact family. Within seconds... ."Good morning Mom", the phone call went badly, she was initially sarcastic then came the rage, so I calmly ended the call. Where does that leave me now? What about my FOO? They are all enabling Mom. So I talked with my kids, they are so supportive, and understand I had 2 choices. To either go back to the status quo, and be subjected to Mom's emotional abuse, or set a healthy boundary and not allow myself to be subjected to abuse. They reminded me they are adults and can make the effort to see their cousins on their own. The FOO are all local so this makes me the outcast. Feeling very ambivalent, but in general, even though I don't feel at ease when not in contact, overall I do feel better without Mom in my daily life. Such a sad situation, and very disappointed and angry with FOO. I am in my late 50's and wondering if and when I will have peace. So my input is that you appear very knowledgeable and strong, and if you decide to go LC, keep up the good work with maintaining those healthy boundaries and take care of yourself.
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SeeingClearly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2017, 11:25:03 AM »

Hello Fie, Hello Madeline7.

I can't express how grateful I am to be corresponding with you, and how much your participation is helping me. Thank you.

Fie, your question about having compassion for my mom vs wanting to see her has got me thinking. In the past, my selective memory has caused me to smooth over the negative memories and reminisce about the positive ones. Now, after a huge family crisis and a three month period of NC, I'm almost scared to entertain positive memories, or seeing or calling her, lest I fall into wishful thinking and drop my defenses. I feel MUCH more careful about the idea of contact now. Yet a part of me knows she does have some good qualities that I miss.

So maybe having compassion is a good place to be for now, because it means I can work towards healing privately without exposing myself to abuse and anger.

Regarding the FOG dynamic, yes, that comes into play when she's petitioning me for something. I now recognize and expect it. For example, when she decided to fly in for a visit in December, she used pressure to book a ticket by calling and saying she had 5 minutes to get a deal for a cheap 2-week visit. This was the first I had heard about a potential visit. I was flustered and honestly, flattered that my typically ignoring mom would want to visit. So I agreed, but later regretted the quick decision. I was afraid if I didn't agree then and there, she would dismiss the idea and the visit would never happen. Fear motivated my decision.

Thank you for the clarification regarding NPD/BPD being character disorders as opposed to diseases. My dad and I continue to educate ourselves about these disorders.

Madeline7, thank you for your story too. I'm glad your kids are so very supportive of you. My extended family on my mom's side has been suportive, and yes, I'm learning that I should try to have my own relationships with them outside of my mom's fulcrum of association. Historically she's been the lynchpin in all of our gatherings, but like your children, I am capable of reaching out to them individually and maintaining and even growing relationships. In fact, since our blow up, my father and I have deepened our relationship as we're the two people most impacted by her behavior. 

I can relate to your feeling of unease at being NC and the general ambivelance. I suppose for now I'll continue working on clarifying boundaries and practicing/role playing for if/when my mom and I do interact. I'm someone who feels confidant when prepared, and thanks to resources like these, I'm not rushing to make a decision about NC/LC. I see the importance of allowing myself the time to suss through my emotions and put myself and my needs first.

So thank you. After your posts I feel more certain that I'm doing what I need to be doing to work on my own feelings and reactions, to feel safe, and to love her from a distance, for now.

Sincerely,
SeeingClearly
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OceanMadness

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2017, 10:06:20 AM »

There is so much I relate to in your posts.

Quote from: SeeingClearly
But here's the internal struggle: I've been learning that my old expectations of having a concerned, considerate, "normal" mom are unrealistic. Also, that it's not useful to expect that the relationship will be symbiotic (it hasn't been for a long time). So intellectually, by framing her as possible BPD/NPD, I'm learning to grasp that it just may not be possible for her to behave with kindness or consideration to me or others as she is now.

It took me until I was 33 years old to have this realization. And it was one of the most painful things I ever had to accept. I held on to hope for years -- YEARS -- there were breaks, and there were, "Oh, she's changed so much," and it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. My Mom cannot do motherhood in the conventional sense. I ended my relationship with her almost exactly one year ago, and I'm still in a state of grief over it. I'm not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't end things with your Mom because that is a personal choice. But I can explain what shaped my decision to end my relationship with my Mom.

1. Trying, for years, and never getting anything back in return. I realized that on my Mom's best day she can't come close to the loving support I get even from my friends.
2. I have this memory, when I was maybe four or five, she became irate with me about something long since forgotten. And I sat down and wrote her this long (for a five-year-old) letter of apology. I remember putting my heart and soul into it. I was so, so sorry for whatever I had done. And when I gave it to her, she tore it into pieces and said, "Talk is cheap. If you were really sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place."

That's a neat little allegory for how futile it is to try to communicate with my mother that she is causing me pain. She will not hear it. This will not change.

I was talking to a therapist about how guilty I felt for abandoning her, I said, "I'm supposed to love her unconditionally," and the therapist said, "No, actually that's what she was supposed to do for you." It was such a massive paradigm shift for me. She told me I wasn't grieving the loss of a mother, I was grieving the loss of a child, because the roles had been completely reversed. And I realized how right she was -- I always felt like I was supposed to take care of her, meet her needs, heal her wounds, and my life and my needs always took a backseat. I have worried about her welfare every day since I ended our relationship and by all accounts, she hasn't thought twice about me. She's happier without me because it allows her to forget what she did to me as a child.

I just can't bear to live that way anymore. It's not worth the pain. Usually, when I take a break from my Mom, I write her a long letter of explanation, but I realized she is going to do the mental equivalent of rip it into pieces and say ''talk is cheap.'' And that's how I know it's over.

One thing that helped me in the past when I was struggling with this decision is not putting the pressure on myself to decide ''once and for all.'' All I had to do was ask myself what I needed right in that moment. You seem to be adept at recognizing what your needs are in the present, which is a huge first step. You may find during this break you feel lighter and more at peace, or you may find yourself ready to step back in the fray. Either way, we'll be here.
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