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Author Topic: I want her to understand where I was in this relationship  (Read 574 times)
Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« on: May 11, 2017, 03:04:47 AM »

Sorry I forgot to add that because my ex may only tell one side of a story, I want her to understand where I was in this relationship, what I had to deal with suck up, cope with, I decided to accept her as she was, that was my choice. Does it harm potential reconciliation by asking her to read this letter, because all she can accept or acknowledge is that I emailed somebody else, but she wouldn't talk or open up about things, she would get very defensive, so I had Hobson's Choice or no choice when it came to good communication in our relationship.
Thanks.
 
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2017, 04:23:24 AM »

Hi Pedro,

I'd be interested in what others have to say. My take is that writing out a letter expressing what you've been through with your ex may evoke defensiveness in her, no matter how gently you write it. It makes so much sense that you'd want to do that. Communication is probably the most important quality of good relationships. Each person is unique, and you know your ex better than we do.

Do you think she is in a position to listen and understand where you are coming from at the moment?

Have you seen this page of the Lessons on the right sidebar?:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704926#msg12704926

There's a lot of great stuff in there that can help you understand her reactions if/when you decide to share your feelings.

heartandwhole
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2017, 11:56:08 AM »

I wonder if my ex gf can comprehend that I can be so civil, polite, accommodating, sincere, caring despite all the hurt, sorrow and heartbreak right now?

Your GF may have the emotional maturity of a much younger person, so she may perceive you in a different way than you might expect from someone her biological age. She may comprehend that you are relatively emotionally grounded right now, and that provides her with a sense of security. Reflection beyond that is likely limited because for her feelings = reality.

It's also possible that your GF is treating you with tenderness because she is mirroring that mood state in you. If you were sobbing, weak, and needy, there is a possibility she would regress to something that mirrored this state. For example, perceiving that you lack self-respect, she would treat you the same way.

In writing the letter, what is your intention or goal? It is probably important to state this as clearly as possible so you understand if it will accomplish that goal.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2017, 12:20:51 PM »

Well she's home from work.
Employer has offered her a job in another part of the country so she wants us to sell the house, her American boyfriend move over here and them two live there together. So much for her moving to USA to be near her older/infirm parents She comes in expecting me to be all happy and excited for her, she wants a hug, I say 'why'? She says I don't know?  She doesn't understand that this has upset & thrown me somewhat, wasn't expecting that.  She doesn't get how I feel upset, devastated, heartbroken, how I love this person, she thinks I'm friends or her buddy. Because I am nothing after 6 years, just dropped &everything is normal. That's why I said in my last post I wanted to write a letter so she  understands what it's been like, I'm like dog muck she's walked in, she looks down her nose at me. I do have feelings, for goodness sake. I think I'll move on to detaching now.
God's sake  unbelievable.
 
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Pedro
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2017, 12:26:11 PM »

Sorry for you all reading my pitiful pathetic selfish ramblings.
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Pedro
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2017, 12:34:55 PM »

I just thought writing a letter would be able to open her eyes & mind to what spouses other halves ex's go through, but with my still limited understanding of BPD maybe sufferers can never see this. SORRY EVRYBODY. Just trying to hard, got different heads & heavy hearts going through emotional turmoil but like I've just said I'm nothing after 6 years of unconditional, unwavering, loyal 100% commitment & support, so bloody frustrating like I don't exist.
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Skip
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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2017, 12:39:32 PM »

Well she's home from work.
Employer has offered her a job in another part of the country so she wants us to sell the house, her American boyfriend move over here and them two live there together.

The chance of her long distance relationship with the man she never meant consummating just dropped considerably.  Its one thing to have flirty phone calls. Quitting your job and moving abroad is about 10,000x more of a demand on him than he had yesterday.

Its a big switch from "I'll move back home and near you" to "Let's run away together (and you restart your life) in another country."

This almost feels like mania that accompanies Bi-polor.

She will land - somewhere - not where she is thinking, I suspect.

Hang in there - you are handling this the best that it can be handled. The game is not over. And, hopefully, you are leaning more about who she is.
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Pedro
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2017, 01:01:19 PM »

Thanks Skip,
sorry everybody, wasn't rude to ex, just didn't respond to her in way that she expects me to wants to, all happy happy, jolly jolly, isn't this exciting new life for me gonna be great without you there Pedro?
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Skip
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« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2017, 01:12:07 PM »

No apologies to us!

You have two choices, exit or close the door with negative actions, or wait her fantasy out.

The latter is hard - supper hard - but it is the cards you are dealt.

There is a third choice, "ask her / tell her to leave". Make her make a choice. You want to do that when things are stable - you are getting close to that.

THese are very personal decisions. We don't know what is right for you - we are just coaching you through your desired objective of relationship recovery.

Be a good sport. Don't be a doormat.
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Pedro
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« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2017, 01:18:27 PM »

I'm sorry I don't understand the illness properly, I'm trying day by day. How can somebody hold you & kiss you tenderly like they did last weekend, tell you 3 times in an hour they love you & are going to miss you before they work away for 4 days, all the while they're all loved up making life plans with my replacement for their life together here or in the USA. I have a 30 year history of Depression & Anxiety yet I've always been in tune with my feelings of love for somebody. I know how I feel for somebody & I could never love more than one person at time, it's not possible in my head & heart, but that's the BPD I guess, I don't know?
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Pedro
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« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2017, 01:29:48 PM »

She is a clever intelligent person & single bloody minded & headstrong. When she makes her mind up to do something she does it, she doesn't always consider the consequences that maybe though. I know she's going to go, I can tell in the way she speaks to me it's just all very matter of fact us splitting up, selling the house, it may as well be a conversation about the lazy new Receptionist her & a work colleague could be talking about at the water cooler drinks machine, it really is.
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Pedro
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« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2017, 01:51:55 PM »

Well I'm lying in bed listening to the football match she knocks comes in sits on the bed & tells me a joke about tattoos that wasn't funny, then she says 'I'm sad it didn't work out', I say 'not sad as I am'. In my head I'm swearing at her telling her to **** off.
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Pedro
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« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2017, 01:23:09 AM »

Morning Skip, lived learned, heartandwhole et al,
Had time to reflect on things. Had some things to share, ex commented on How well i looked after my 10lb weight loss since we separated a few weeks ago. She insisted on having pizza together at home her treat. Wanted me to spend evening together watching TV but I couldn't because I was too tired & I get up at 5.30 am for work. She wanted validation on her plans to move to another part of the country with her employer& her new boyfriend moving to UK from USA. I acknowledged what she said politely but wouldn't give her validation, she couldn't understand how I wouldn't concur with her plans. She threatened to move out at the same time I wasn't giving her validation. I said that is your choice to move out. You don't have too this is still your home, I'm not stopping you if you wish to leave, Quite proud of me.
Have purposely left my new book loving somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder on the my bed along with printed information sheets/tools/ advice/guidance gfrom BPD family for her to see as her wardrobe is in my bedroom. Hope she has a seminal moment where a light bulb goes off in her head & she sees it in a positive way or maybe it will upset her? No previous partner or ex husband has tried to help her from the little she has told me, so what will be will be.
Skip don't know how to interpret 'be a good sport' like you said last night, neither am I being a doormat. She has a short temper & is quite defensive at the best of times so don't like to antagonise or inflame things.
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Pedro
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« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2017, 02:09:19 AM »

I would like to add that I can try and empathise with her in that over 3 weeks she is saying God is guiding her home to US to be with older/infirm parents, but going to live an retire 3.5 hours away with my replacement, yet this week boyfriend is moving to UK where they will move to another part of country & set up home & life together, once our home my house is sold WOW. Can't imagine what's going through her mind thoughts feelings emotions.
FAO of Skip I feel that her holiday home in July when she meets up with Mr Wonderful will reaffirm how she feels/thinks I guess about him? Appreciate your insight Skip though,
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2017, 12:14:54 PM »

Hi Pedro,

Yes empathy is a good thing, but please include yourself under that big umbrella of compassion.   This is a difficult situation for your emotions. It takes a strong person to get through it, in my view.

I think this is a fantasy (the relationship between your ex and the other man) that most likely won't hold up in the face of reality. I could be wrong, of course, but there are similarities in my relationship, and I can tell you, in my case,  it WAS a fantasy. Today, I'm glad that we both came to our senses, however shocking and painful it was.

As Skip said, you can only do this for so long. Keep taking care of yourself as you learn as much as you can about your true needs and wants. Your feelings are giving you good information. You are also learning a lot about your girlfriend-- who she is, how she copes, feels, etc. This is very important information for you, especially if the relationship continues.

What plans do you have this weekend?

heartandwhole
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« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2017, 01:19:15 PM »

Have purposely left my new book loving somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder on the my bed along with printed information sheets/tools/ advice/guidance gfrom BPD family for her to see as her wardrobe is in my bedroom.

Hi Pedro,

I completely understand the hope here! I am wondering, tho. She is likely to feel quite exposed, and if she looks up BPD online or knows what it is, there is a lot of stigma likely to overwhelm any good intention in your plans.

Wanting to get back together with her, and wanting her to recognize she is BPD might be at cross-purposes, no?
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Pedro
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« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2017, 02:26:46 PM »

Hi heartandwhole thank you for your support. I am hoping to go the cinema this weekend, do some running/jogging in the town where I live & catch up with some paperwork at home. Things got a bit stressful last night as you could see from my multiple posts.
As I came home from work this evening my ex with BPD came running down the stairs all excited to tell me about a 'thatched cottage' she is looking to rent for her & Mr Wonderful when she moves to another part of the country. I politely acknowledged what she said, smiled then walked away & started preparing my evening meal.
The 4 cats we have an American Rag Doll, 2 Siamese, & an Oriental she says will have to be split up when we separate. The youngest cat who is 3 years old, she says will have to be rehomed if I won't take him.  The rows we had when she bought this pedigree cat, because I said 3 cats are enough. But after nagging me for months, (I do not exaggerate) she wore me down & I gave in the end. I truly believed we would be together for life, so the thought of having this cat & the others for the next 10-15 years didn't faze me. I am an animal lover. As neither of us wanted children due to our respective mental health problems, we didn't think we could cope nor did we want to pass on genes. We took a few years to reach this decision after a lot of soul searching & feeling, we jointly decided.

Livednlearned, my ex BPD did tell me she was told she had traits of BPD in her early-mid 20's when she was still living in TX USA. She said she had counselling with either a Psychiatrist/Psychologist/Psychotherapist but only for a short period, so that is why I left the book & literature for her to physically see it on my bed. I will remove it though, (it was only done with good intentions) because 6 years since we started dating/lived together & separated 4 weeks ago she still wont discuss it.

Anyway thanks for responding & reading everybody, & thoughts & prayers been sent out to everybody going through difficult BPD times & their partners currently.
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Pedro
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« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2017, 12:22:32 AM »

Forgot to add this information a few weeks ago, I don't know how relevant it is or not. My ex g with BPD did say a week after she ended the relationship that I am making her feel worse than she already does. The reason is that when previous relationships have ended either her, her ex's, her psycho ex (her words not mine), her ex husband who ended the marriage, have all been bitter,  screaming, verbal slanging matches, physical assault etc. She says she cannot understand how relatively calm non confrontational I am being. She says she cannot understand why I am like this. This is how I am made I guess I don't know this is me, she said she cannot cope with me being this way. She is used to or maybe would prefer to deal with me being her other experiences, well that is not something I will indulge her in.
In the last 4 weeks she has started, stopped or crashed on 2 different diets, then tells me she's going back to just eating how she wants when she previously lived alone. She has started smoking again in the last 4 weeks having previously stopped 3 years ago, we both stopped then.
I was a chef in previous employment in my early 20's so in our relationship she has either relied on or asked me to cook most days as she said she couldn't cook when we hooked up.
I stated at the start of the  week I was baking for myself this weekend when not working (doing something for me heartandwhole). I came home from work last night & ex had baked some cakes, unbelievable! Why couldn't she do that when we were together, she never did anything like that then?
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Pedro
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« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2017, 06:45:34 AM »

Hi heartandwhole & others.
Had the most positive & productive weekend since ex gBPD ended our relationship 4 weeks ago. Have done things for me, going to a coffee house in the mall, been running (actually had the energy to feel like doing it for the first time in ages), baked for myself & my Mum & Brother.

Ex g has been helping herself to my cooking which I don't mind at all, she's raving about some simple brownies I made, (also eating them whilst on the telephone to lover boy). That makes me laugh in a bizarre warped sort of way?

She keeps calling me by mutual pet names we called each other respectively (Hun or huney) all weekend. Every time I've left the house to go somewhere over the weekend, she says 'I love you', & I acknowledge it but have not responded by saying 'I love you too'. I do love her, she knows that, but I don't have to say it now. I wonder if it's the routine of saying it over 6 years & she hasn't got out of the cycle or habit yet? She has playfully slapped my bottom a couple of times also over the weekend, I acknowledged it in good humour but didn't reciprocate it.

Keeping things on a low burner here getting on with things trying to keep busy & doing things, trying not to dwell too much on what might or might not happen between us.

Happy Mothers Day to all the BPD Mums in the USA today from the UK as my ex is telephoning her Mum today.
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« Reply #19 on: May 14, 2017, 08:55:53 AM »

Pedro,
I'm happy to hear how you are living your life and taking good care of yourself, while your ex does what she does. I admire you for hanging in there and forging ahead. I think these skills you are learning will serve you very well in all of your relationships going forward. No matter how things end up with your current ex.

This is about YOU, after all. Keep honoring your feelings and being present for yourself.  You are mining gold out of a very difficult situation. 

heartandwhole
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Pedro
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« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2017, 11:33:01 AM »

My ex
calls downstairs to me from the bathroom where has just had a shower, as she wants my opinion on something.  I go in the bathroom & she is completely & covering her chest with her arms & hands. She has various insect bites on her legs & hips which I confirmed as much & advised to use the appropriate ointment which we have.  Does she lack this sense of self or self awareness? She's completely naked speaking to me her ex boyfriend, but has a me replacement also. I find it pretty weird. strange & peculiar given she has a new partner. She has hang ups about her body appearance, which she always had in the relationship with me. I find it sad in a tragic way & just want to give her a big that doesn't let her go but I know it would be the wrong thing to do.
Also as she says she is moving to another part of the country with her new man, she asks me today what she already knows in that my job's qualifications allows me to work in any part of the UK. She wasn't intimating that I move with her if Mr Wonderful doesn't work out was she? Did I interpret that wrong?
Any thoughts anybody?
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« Reply #21 on: May 14, 2017, 08:17:28 PM »

Hi Pedro,

I'm really impressed with how well your doing.  I was just reading through your posts and can definitely see an increased strength rising up inside you.  It's really quite amazing.  Nice job!

I don't think you're reading too far into it, it's actually fairly common for an individual with BPD to keep a person on hand for backup in case things don't work out.

Also, while I was reading through your posts I noticed that you had mentioned that your ex could have a short fuse at times.  A workshop actually just started a couple of days ago that focuses on "How to Deal with an Angry Partner".  Since you had dealt with these situations in the past, I thought you might have developed a bit of knowledge in regards to working through them. 

Anyway, I wanted to share the link with you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309757 

It would be great to see you there,

- Staying Steady
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Pedro
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« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2017, 01:28:35 AM »

Good morning staying steady.
Thank you for your kind words & support. During the relationship I did dozens if not over a hundred episodes of JADE. I have experienced FOG so many times I've lost count years ago, yet like most other partners & ex's of people we have this unwavering feeling of love, support & seeing the genuinely happy loving fun & caring person when they are in a good or happy non BPD phase.
I am so mad with myself I didn't know about your website & support during the relationship. It is so frustrating.
I will not be there for as a back up now if it fails with Mr Wonderful, but a month ago I would have been. I am still broken as a person but trying to put me back together 1 day at a time. There is anger some resentment lot of frustration & unhappiness because she would get very defensive when trying to communicate & trying to overcome or using strategies with the BPD partner. I am putting on a brave face & don't think I'm doing as well as as you, heartandwhole & others think I am. But without the support of yourselves I don't know if or where I would be, & for thank you so much all staff/volunteers here.
Yes I will take a look at the link you posted to me & take it from there.
Thanks.
Pedro
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« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2017, 08:35:31 AM »

I, too, want to say that you are making progress. Tough situation. 
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Pedro
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« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2017, 04:52:18 AM »

Hey y'all this message for Skip & Heartandwhole more so because they've been advising me more than others, but everyone's welcome to give any feedback if you wish?
Watching tv downstairs on my own yesterday evening. Ex comes downstairs crying complaining of not feeling well stomach upset, headache, & irritation of insect bites. Putting the malaise to 1 side, she wanted me to give her the attention, nurturing, reassurance, hugs that I would used to do when together. I did reciprocate because Skip you've said previously if she still giving these outwardly signs towards you then decide if I'm going to respond likewise, I did? She rested her legs on my lap whilst I rubbed her back, she lay her head in my lap while I gave her some sort of head massage, fixed her up with pain relief, she sat right up close to me for 10 minutes talking about nothing in particular he. Thanked me & went back to bed. I know some of it is genuine & sincere but some of it is putting out feelers to see if I'm still there if Mr Wonderful doesn't work out. Ideally I know she would have preferred him to do it. As I said previously I'm not there to be back up fail safe if he doesn't work out, tough position I'm in, but playing the end game Skip day at a time will we reconcile/will we not? Who knows? But I will be better prepared for whichever outcome happens.
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Pedro
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« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2017, 05:14:48 AM »

Still doing the caretaker, nurturer, care giver supporting role am i not Skip & Heartandwhole?

Why isn't Mr Wonderful doing this over the phone, or is it because i'm here in the real, & he's 7000 miles away?
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



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« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2017, 07:13:20 AM »

I love & miss my Ex, she's there in the house but she isn't if you can understand what i mean?
I know once she goes home to TX in early July that will reaffirm how she feels for Mr Wonderful, & she will come back feeling/acting differently to presently. There'll be no more saying i love you, i miss you when she comes back from her home holiday.  I will have done everything i can by then to let her see me who i am & what she will miss, or no longer have if she pursues her current path. I wish her Mum & Dad will sit her down & make her see what she's losing, but i know, i just know, & mentally i have to prepare for that on her return. Sorry all feeling like crap & pitiful sorry for myself it's pathetic i know.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2017, 09:26:03 AM »

Hi Pedro,

Friend, I know this is hard, and you are taking things one day at a time, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the face of a lot of pain and hurt. That takes a lot of courage and I admire how emotionally honest you are being as you feel your way through this. Your pain elicits compassion from me, not pity.

It sounds like you are being your attractive, loving self with your Ex girlfriend showing her who you are and not being needy or desperate. This is allowing her to feel tenderness toward you, and that's better than driving her angrily in the opposite direction.

The other piece to this is that people with BPD tend to feel emotional pain more acutely than you or I, if you can imagine that. She is motivated to make sure at all costs that she feels good. This is her number one priority.

Right now, she is getting her needs meet, not by one man, but two. It remains to be seen if she will feel the same way when she has only one. She doesn't yet know what that will be like.

There is a lot of idealization saddled on the shoulders of this long-distance guy and he will have to bring what I imagine will be his A game to uphold that ideal. He cannot make any mistakes, and he doesn't know she is BPD.   The chances for making mistakes will be high.

Do you have anywhere you can stay for a few weeks to see things from a different perspective? This might also give her a chance to experience the consequences of her choices in a way she has not yet had to feel. I know it can be tough to find somewhere to go, and I also know how important it can be to take care of ourselves during a painful break-up  

LnL

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Breathe.
Pedro
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



WWW
« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2017, 10:42:54 AM »

Hi livednlearned,
Thank you for your insight and calming influence at this difficult time. I sincerely appreciate your feedback & that of other contributors. I stay at my MUms house 3 nights a week during her recent illness, plus it gives me time away from the home environment which helps. She has a 3 day work bonding/ funding raising charity event climbing hills in a a few weeks so I hope that helps her see me in a more positive light. But when we are in the house at the same time we don't see much of each other as I the her the space & privacy she has requested, but I'm polite to cook for her as well as myself. Trying t keep an even keel and happy medium & proving to her and myself that I'm still here carrying on, I'm this same solid reliable guy she loves, but mindful that I am Looking after me & doing things for me too.
Thanks
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2017, 10:56:01 AM »

Hi Pedro,

I'm sorry that this is so hard. You really have been showing a lot of fortitude and caring toward your ex. It's like you have her, but you don't. And that can feel strange and painful, even while you share tender moments together. 

I agree with LnL: right now she has the best of both worlds, but it won't always be that way. You are being calm, steady, and caring toward her. That is a good thing, for both of you, as long as your heart can still take it. You looking after yourself is also a great example to her about how to meet her own needs.

Yes, there may still be some caretaking going on, but we don't change longstanding patterns in a day. Step by step, and with gentleness. That's how you win this game. And remember, the game is about you. She may not be able to see what she has, but if you do, then you are free-- to choose to be with your ex., if she wants that again, or with someone else, in time. Keep youself close and shower yourself with lots of tenderness, too. 

heartandwhole
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