We'll see how this plays out after she has seen Mr Wonderful in person in July

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Pedro

I have been following the thread but havent chimed in before. First of all I want to say I am in awe of how well you are handling this. Very inspiring to follow, you have a heart of gold. I dont want to plant false hope in you so Ive been debating if I should tell you this but I have watched two very close friends go through similar. One admittedly has BPD traits (but worked through them) and I think the other does too. Long story short they both went back to their husbands (one was then boyfriend).

I also wanted to share with you that I am personally going through sending off a loved one to go back to live in another country. In my case its my mother and I desperately need space from her but now that the moment of goodbye has come frustrations disappear, all the love comes pouring out and the memories of good times together combined with sadness and anxiety of separating. I am convinced this is already happening or will happen, to your pwBPD. It is very hard to go through both moving away from or being the one who stays behind. I know she will return from the july trip but both your realities will be different. You will have gotten space from her to heal and process for the first time since the breakup while for her this is the trip she will meet this person who this far she only has a conversational relationship with. I dont want to generalize about online/phone relationships but it is not uncommon that people find the reality different and disappointing. She will also have enough time with relatives to remember the good and bad about everyone. When we are far away its easy to idealize people and remember only the good stuff. You will be that person at some point too of course.

I apologize in advance if I am repeating anything that others have said here, I have checked in sporadically and only remember the big picture.

Your ex clearly still has lots of feelings for you. While she is a pwBPD shes also a person just like us and goes through the same things. I personally dont think theres anything wrong with simply asking her why she still keeps touching you affectionately but maybe the more advanced members on the board would be better to advise on that.

Lastly on the issue of your family vs your pwBPD: My mother (who is now leaving), was very hostile with my pwBPD but has now completely made a u turn and is being very sweet and supportive to him. I educated her a lot on BPD and she says that is what made the difference for her. While I am aware that its better to have privacy, it has taken a load off me and eliminated the triangulation element in my life which was literally driving me nuts for a while.

Ive been wanting to ask you if you have any knowledge or insight into if Texas guy (I refuse to call him Mr Wonderful) knows of her BPD? Also as a side note he must be dying on the inside every time he knows you are spending time together.

IMO you have more leverage than you sometimes realize... .Just sayin.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pedro]

Hey there.

Thank you for your comments. I've accepted its over much as I don't want to. Slowly but surely I put some space between us.  She thinks I'm been off with her but I'm not.  I am not privy to her phone  calls, messages, Facebook emails texts etc. I don't know anything about him. Mr Wonderful was a sarcastic name I came up with. He doesn't about her BPD that I know of? I don't know if he knows about me or not & I genuinely do not care if he does. I sincerely don't care if he doesn't like it if I'm here in my own house cohabiting with my ex. His problem. If he wants her to move out fine? I'm not bitter about it I'm taking care of me, tried to educate my family about my ex's illness but they say I'm making excuses for her as if I'm in denial about not moving on. I'm trying to move on I'm 99.9% sure we wont reconcile. I keep trying to tell anyone who'll listen I am a relatively simple, limitedly educated, not clever, not intelligent person, & that has been taken advantage of by friends, family, employers etc. in the past. I can't help how I'm made. Ex gf with BPD has to approach me to reconcile but I know it won't happen she wont address counselling therapy etc, so cycle will repeat itself. As I keep saying when ex gf is in good happy phase she is amazing wonderful, caring, happy loving person who was my soulmate life partner. She's moved on good luck to her & him, they'll both need it. Maybe Mr Wonderful will be accessing help on here years from now, as history repeats itself who knows.
Thanks.

[Pedro]

Hi onelittleladybug.

I dare not to hope even 0.00% as my heart will not be able to take it when she does confirm she's permanent with once she comes back at end of July. Am doing everything Heratandwhole, Skip & others have advised/suggested in terms of myself. Just ex gf with BPD gives conflicting signs/language/body language/gestures. I don't think her bf would be happy if he knew she was telling me she loves me, she misses me when she goes to work away for 4 days at a time, or wants to take me places, hold my hands like we used to do.

I'm dealing with me, will need to get legal advice on how to divide profits what's her entitlement on our house/home. Me look for another property to buy. Yes romantically it would be great she comes back from TX end of July & it hasn't worked out, but that happens in the films or to other people not me though.

Thanks again for your insight.

[onelittleladybug]

Letting go is really healthy and powerful for you. A side effect of that is that it makes you more attractive but that shouldnt be the focus point.

Its really great that you are focusing on you and not them.

Give yourself the credit you deserve. Many people would give into anger and bitterness and be unable to show kindness and compassion to the ex. It doesnt matter if the advice is coming from someone else, you are the one acting on it.

I can't help how I'm made.

Actually you can You can work on improving yourself, turning weaknesses into strengths.

Ten years ago the person I thought was my soulmate left me and moved 1000 miles away. I was so heartbroken I couldnt get out of bed for weeks. Since then I sincerely believe that broken hearts get bigger when they heal. I have never since felt broken like that and somehow I know that I never will. Healing took a long time. The thing that helped me most was words: I printed out quotes and put everywhere, on my nightstand, on the bathroom mirror, kept in my pocket, on the fridge... .Etc.

"Lights will guide you home"
"You create what you focus on" (meaning what you put your attention to grows)
"Anything can happen and it will"

In hindsight I had opportunities to get back together but I was too wounded and angry to take them. I have evidence and believe he never really let go, but I did eventually.

IMO (based on reading your posts) you are handling things a lot better than I did back then. In terms of parting gracefully, kindly and without burning bridges.

I dont know if this will help you at all. I just hope it does. Theres a lesson in every painful thing we go through and finding it is the magical part. Its not easy but you can use this experience to grow.

[Pedro]

I appreciate what you have said, but i am 46 years of age & didn't reckon this. Our house & home that we lovingly restored for 5 years is going, been in a relationship for 6 years almost. neither of us entered this relationship likely, we took our time to get to know each other. We have both made a lot of sacrificies for each other to get where we are now.  I am bitter, angry upset, twisted but i'm choosing not to talk about it.
I'm letting go because i don't have a choice, she is moving on, won't do Therapy or Counselling, or least attempt it.  She knows she has my support/commitment 100% if she wants to, but no my replacement  will be put through what i'm being put through. Her ex husband left her (as far as i know). I'm the only partner rather ex who has been willing to support her through psychotherapy intervention nobody else. Well her problem with him now. Let him pick up the emotional, physical, psychological, & unwavering unconditional partner loving vacuum slack now i'm not it anymore?  You can bring a horse to the pond but you can't make it drink from it.  She won't even discuss her illness both when we were together or even now we have separated. She tells me she loves me, misses me, wishes she could get past me reaching out to an ex via email for advice/support because i had nobody & i mean nobody else to talk to. That's not bloody fair, so yeah i'm pissed, angry, upset, annoyed, bitter, twisted, but i'm moving on in my own car crash way.
When she has finally moved home then i can greive & i dont exagerate saying greive, because that is how i feel yet the person is still there & alive. I lost my Dad 18 years ago suddenly & unexpectedly so i know what bereavement feels like.
Sorry.

[Pedro]

Feeling depressed & miserable last night & today. Back home after spending 2 nights at my mums house. Gets in Ex gf BPD has come from tattoo parlour after being lay there for 4 hours of treatment. So she goes straight to bed feeling un well & in pain. She has a lots of tattoos done so far this year. She only had a relatively small amount done till start of this year. Had dozens of small ones done since January. I wonder if this is her newish compulsion or addiction?
I get up this morning & have to go into our old bedroom to get some clothes for work. She was put out because I didn't compliment her on her new tattoo or her newly dyed hair colour. Well I didn't like either but kept my mouth shut. Then she was complaining of pain from tat, so yes being the ex caretaker caregiver nurturer that I was had to get her analgesia & milk & anti inflammortarys. She wants hugs & reassurance but don't really want to do it. I compliment her on her hair, & she gives me a big hug from her bed, greaaaatt? Still doing the care taking care giver nurturer as an ex. Without getting into JADE mode I want to say Mr Wonderful should be doing this.

[onelittleladybug]

I appreciate what you have said, but i am 46 years of age & didn't reckon this. Our house & home that we lovingly restored for 5 years is going, been in a relationship for 6 years almost.

Im 44. Ive been through a few break ups in my life. Usually it feels like that was my last chance at love. By now I know its not true, its just a feeling not a fact. If this is the end you will find love again. But there is nothing wrong with wanting and trying to hold onto and improve things with this one.

I am bitter, angry upset, twisted but i'm choosing not to talk about it.

It probably would do you good to talk about it, however stay on your current path of not talking to HER about it.

I'm letting go because i don't have a choice, she is moving on, won't do Therapy or Counselling, or least attempt it.  She knows she has my support/commitment 100% if she wants to, but no my replacement  will be put through what i'm being put through.

Are you seeing a therapist yourself? You have mentioned a few times that you have battled severe depression in your life. I can tell you its not easy to live with a depressed person because Ive been there. I recently told my pwBPD that his condition was more serious than my ADHD. That was a very big mistake that I paid for dearly, besides a couple of weeks later I could see and understand the problems with that attitude of mine. Lately I have been focusing on working on me, and things are improving in my r/s with pwBPD.

She won't even discuss her illness both when we were together or even now we have separated.

A couple months ago I really just wanted my pwBPD to see the light and go to therapy. I told him its as logical as going to the doctors when youre sick. And then I started spending more time in this forum, reading all the new posts every day. Slowly I began to see the stigma around this. In this forum just in the past couple hrs some members have called pwBPD's: Cold, unreasonable, illogical, childish, crazy making, dark, selfish, opportunists, users. Thats just highlights from 2 recent posts.

There is stigma around both Adhd and Depression, as well as any mental issue you can name. But not like this. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

With that in mind try putting yourself in their shoes not just your pwBPD but any pwBPD, and then ask yourself how motivated you would be to accept a label that has all these judgments attached to it? This is a question I asked myself and I found myself much more able to understand my pwBPD's reluctance to accept treatment for this condition.

She tells me she loves me, misses me, wishes she could get past me reaching out to an ex via email for advice/support because i had nobody & i mean nobody else to talk to. That's not bloody fair, so yeah i'm pissed, angry, upset, annoyed, bitter, twisted, but i'm moving on in my own car crash way.

I think its more likely than not she will eventually get over it. I understand how hard it is to have no one to talk to. You have us now, the bpdfamily community. I know its not the same as real life but its something, its a beginning and you can and will find more of that if you reach out and let it happen.

When she has finally moved home then i can greive & i dont exagerate saying greive, because that is how i feel yet the person is still there & alive. I lost my Dad 18 years ago suddenly & unexpectedly so i know what bereavement feels like.
Sorry.

I know how much it hurts   Its very hard to go through. But the only way is through. We are here for you.

She has a lots of tattoos done so far this year. She only had a relatively small amount done till start of this year. Had dozens of small ones done since January. I wonder if this is her newish compulsion or addiction?

Obviously I cant speak for her. I can only offer my insight: I got my 2 tattoos when going through something catastrophic in life. A memento of surviving hard times and great loss. This is something Ive seen other friends do too. I wouldnt dismiss it as obsession or addiction, there is a deeper meaning to it. To me its a sign she is going through something big. Or she is going through mid life crisis, but thats another label that can be deeply invalidating so I want to be careful with that.

[Pedro]

Hello onelittleladybug.
Thank you for your insight, support, education & advice. I am sorry for venting my spleen at you & others earlier in the week. I'm only human, I've got a few heads going on simultaneously at the mo. I've only one heart, it's broken, I'm broken mentally & physically as I noted when I first started commenting here. I have supported exgf BPD, my youngest brother with depression & gambling addictions, my mother with severe depression & relatively poor physical health.  Supporting them before I met my ex gf then all three simultaneously for 6 years till April this year when she ended things between us.
Not knowing about BPD & how to support partners with BPD, setting boundary's, not doing JADE, living with FOG, & walking on eggshells, living in fear for her that her self harming would escalate into overdoses or suicide.

My sister lives in Eire with her family a day's travel away, & my other brother lives in Qatar with his family also a day's travel away. So there has been no extended family/relatives or friends support. It's been me or nobody, sink or swim, it's what I had to do to survive.

I am on a waiting list for counselling with my employer as it is less waiting time than my local NHS.  In the past I have done CBT which has been the most effective treatment in conjunction with SSRI's medication.  Been the eldest of four children it has always fallen on me to be the mature responsible one to carry/support the rest of my family during bad times.  All through my life I was sixteen when I was first aware of my depression, I ran away from home, I took my first overdose of analgesia at 18-19?, another one in my early 20's, & again in my early 30's. I now have an impaired liver function as a consequence.

I put my Mum & late Dad through hell as an older teenager, young adult, because neither myself nor them fully understood my condition. In the mid eighties & nineties the stereotype of the British "Stiff Upper Lip" prevailed. Mental health was brushed under the carpet & not talked about. I so wish I was a US citizen because you as a nation are so much more clued up, aware & pro-active in treatment & management.

I know I've not always been the easiest person to be around especially when younger, mood swings, social avoidance, lack of motivation & energy. Yet despite all this I've done battle most days. I want Tenacity or Tenacious carved on my headstone whenever I do pass to the next life.

To get back to my ex gf with BPD, I understand more now through yourselves where she is coming from in terms of her thought processes, the level & intensity of her emotions & fears especially abandonment, shame and  embarrassment. The frustrating the mostly is she will not even acknowledge that I am now more empathetic to her condition, am more understanding of her condition & happy to give unwavering support as I would be more selfish in terms of taking better care of myself, taking time out for me to do things, being more selfish, as I know she will never be to do that for me, I get it now.  But she refuses to discuss it period.

I genuinely hope & pray that her current relationship fails, just for my own selfish reasons to reconcile, but I know that will not happen, I know I'm not a mind reader but I know we will not.  Over the last couple of months I have been taking a new medication which is having good results, I'm a bit positive in myself, have more energy as I'm now  doing running exercise as I used to do

She has noticed how positive I seem, she tells me how she hears me laughing when she's in bed if I'm watching something funny on TV. She's pleased & envious (her words) on my weight loss & how healthier I look.  Since separating in the last 6 weeks, we have done more things going out/ restaurant meals/ hotel stays, running events tattoo conventions than we did in the last 12 months as a couple. It's been fun & happy fun mostly.  She says "if I had been on my new medication earlier in the relationship, then I wouldn't have been unhappy & reaching out to an ex via emails for advice/support because she couldn't/wouldn't". Also she said during our meal the day after her half marathon last Sunday "she wished we could have sorted out our differences if she wasn't now involved with somebody else".

So again I hope everybody here is getting a better insight to my frustrations. "It's my fault we separated because of my poor mental health leading to me reaching out to an ex, not her condition playing it's part"?

[Pedro]

Yet she gives you that little ray of sunshine/glimmer of hope by saying "IF YOU WERE DOING BETTER




She gives you a glimmer of hope/ray of sunshine by saying "if you were doing better sooner with your anti-depressants then maybe you wouldn't have got to the point you did by reaching out to her", and had I not met somebody else then perhaps we still could have been together".  When we're out & about in a major city walking & she grabs your hand holds it affectionately like only people do when they're in a relationship who show affection in public like we always did. When she gives you affectionate close hugs prolonged, tells you she loves you & misses you when she is about to leave for trips away with work.  Stands naked in front you discussing her day at work or asking me about mine.  When she has a meltdown implosion episode & wants your reassurance big hugs. When she's feeling poorly, wants to be taken care of with meds, love & affection empathy & compassion, & I foolishly do it, but she doesn't knock me back.  When we've had the most fun in the last 6 weeks doing stuff together we didn't do in last 12 months as a couple & being happy stress free guilt free it's amazing.  She has this generous heart where she wants to pay for your tattoo, treat you to meals, boy that's frustration folks all the while she's in a relationship.

[patientandclear]

Pedro, she's really in two relationships: one with you, based on living together and years of shared experience, and one with this new at a distance guy whom she barely knows. The connection with him could be alleviating her anxiety about you, and/or she may be staying with you long enough to relieve her anxiety about launching off into new connections.

That's what SHe is doing. You get to decide how you interact with a woman who is self-proclaimed in a new relationship. You don't have to continue to play the same role you were. As it stands she loses nothing by handling things in this way.

[Pedro]

Thanks for clarifying that for me patientandclear.

[Pedro]

Well one of our 4 cats, or rather one of our babies or kids was put to sleep today due to kidney related problems & being an old cat.  Because neither of us wanted children these cats truly are our children. This cat has been part of my life for 6 years. We support animal charities & think more of animals & pets than we do of many horrible humans on this planet.
Ex gf BPD asked me to make arrangements with the vet as she couldn't because it's too painful & traumatic for her. I did all of that & stayed with her in the consulting room as the medication was administered.
She asked me to support her through this today as she didn't want to do it alone.  She kept thanking for being there for her as she has never had to have a pet euthanized before. I know it was going to be tough for her today & was happy to do that for her.  Afterwards she kept hugging me & kissing me but I said there was no need to.
Shortly after passing she starts to implode into a mini episode saying "it's not fair, I can't cope with this, we have 3 other cats, I want them to live forever".
Talk about lows & highs of emotions arriving home 10 minutes after leaving the vet's, she compliments me how good I look in a pair of jeans she once bought me & kept looking me up & down from head to toe. I didn't respond I've just been a silent support today while we grieve one of our cat's passing.

[AnuDay]

Whats going on here Pedro?
Is she cheating on you living in the same house? 
Im going through the same thing.

[heartandwhole]

Pedro,

I'm very sorry to hear about your beloved cat's passing. That is very sad and painful. 

How have you been doing today?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hello Anuday & heartandwhole,
Thanks Anuday, no ex gf BPD is not cheating on me, we are officially separated but we live in the same house which I own but we have lived together 5.5 years. Neither of us can afford to move out so we cohabit respecting each other's space and privacy as reasonable as possible. I cheated via email a few months ago reaching out to an ex who is a nurse for advice and support because my ex gf BPD wouldn't talk or seek treatment so I'm dumped as if the last 6 years didn't exist. Yes I'm guilty but I was in a desperate place, wasn't allowed to talk bout it because she was ashamed n embarrassed by her behaviour and I didn't know about how to be with someone who has BPD. My ex gf BPD is having a long distance relationship via Skype email texts etc till they meet up in July, hence the title of this thread.
Hi heartandwhole as you may have read on previous post we are both animal pet lovers . Our 4 now 3 cats are our baby's children family members as neither of us wanted children so absolutely gutted over yesterday.  So ex has headed off for 4 day away trip with her employer like she did last month. Asked me this time could she borrow my car as its a faster comfier car to drive than hers.
She tells me she loves me, hugs me tells me she's gonna miss me like last time around. She ran me a bath this morning to have when I woke up for work this morning, she the radio/cd player to my favourite radio channel on her car for when u got in it this morning, she doesn't like the channel herself , I rarely drive her car so I know she's done it for me. These little things she never did when we were a couple.
She sat with me for 5 minutes on the couch last night put my arm around put her head into my chest we just sat there & didn't say anything. Trying to move on heartandwhole but it's bloody hard especially if you read all the information I put following our trip/getaway to the running festival. She gives you just a little ray of hope/optimism; but then now spends more time than ever on Skype to Wonderful. Thanks for asking

[Pedro]

Would I be correct to interpret the things gestures things she says nice little things she does for me as push/pull cycle?

[heartandwhole]

Would I be correct to interpret the things gestures things she says nice little things she does for me as push/pull cycle?

Hi Pedro,

I think that's a fair assessment. The "pull" cycle is wanting closeness, the "push" cycle is creating distance. Too much closeness can cause fear of abandonment (and/or engulfment). Too much distance, the same.

We have a helpful thread on this here:

What does it mean, "push/pull"?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Thanks heartandwhole.

Good day to all staff & member users.

[AnuDay]

Would I be correct to interpret the things gestures things she says nice little things she does for me as push/pull cycle?

Well, I'm in a very similar situation.  To me it seems as if I'm being kept out on the wing just in case her new relationship doesn't work out which so far it looks like it isn't. 

Although I have experienced the push pull cycle which is very confusing for me, I think in your case it is pure emotional abuse.  The sooner you two can physically separate the better.  And you will need counseling. 

I find pwBPD to be rather cruel at times.

[Pedro]

Hi AnuDay,

I have been working closely here as much as World Wide Web allows you to with Skip & heartandwhole. I have tried to reconcile, I have taken on board all the advice they have given me in terms of looking after myself, doing things for myself, discovering who I am. I have read a lot of the literature available here and buying books.
If I appear desperate waiting for her to come back to me then I am not. I have accepted it's over. I am working on myself, being more selfish when she is around the house, not rudely but polite refusals said numerous times even 2 weeks ago, she asked me 4 times to go to a tattoo parlour, she was put out but she doesn't control me now. Her condition dictated things in the relationship & I allowed it because I didn't understand her illness. I was doing JADE & FOG because I didn't understand about validating/invalidating, setting boundarys, taking care of me better. I am guilty of continuing her illness by giving her unconditional love, reassurance compassion care. I challenged her about her traits to seek therapy/counselling but to no avail.
I'm not ranting here or defending her I'm just putting it in black & white at face value how she is & my part in the relationship.
When we separated I cancelled my annual leave at work for the recent running festival we attended. She asked me a few weeks ago that I've still booked the time off to go with her? I said no I had cancelled it. She got upset but when I explained the rationale why I did it then she was ok with it. So when I rebooked time off 2nd time to go (which sounds hypocritical) I wanted to do an official race for myself as I am doing things for myself.
She has blocked me on FB but I am close to her parents & love them like they were my own parents, have not blocked them as am leaving it as an avenue of communication for her & them. I won't do tit for tat behaviour, just trying to be mature respectful person, her family did nothing wrong.
Last week she said your still coming to support me with a series of runs that's she doing over 4 continuous days in 2 weeks time? Well these are things I agreed to do as a couple, but not readily separated. She got annoyed when I refused to book the time off for them. My annual leave days are precious & im saving them for when I want to take them. I will support her early evenings when I've finished work on my way home, but she is slowly understanding that I don't drop everything immediately to be or do what she wants. It's ironic now I'm doing the things now we're separated that had I known should have been doing in the relationship but that's life.
It's not easy cohabiting but I am moving on, it's not healthy for her newish relationship that she says & does the things with me. It's my birthday this month, she wants to get me a card & gift, & take me out for a meal but I've politely refused numerous times. It's good for me I can stand up to her now without fear of tantrums meltdowns implosive episodes but still helping her to a limited degree if necessary thanks to BPD Family.
Good luck with what you are going through right now.

[Pedro]

I'm not a betting man but at some point in future I feel that her new beau will access this family here or similar because maybe he won't cope or deal with her. It's very unlikely she will embrace or attemp any therapy. I don't say
That maliciously just being frank and honest. I sincerely hope he or her stumble across what will be my historical posts, so at least they'll see what devastation occurs.

[Skip]

She got annoyed when I refused to book the time off for them. My annual leave days are precious & im saving them for when I want to take them. I will support her early evenings when I've finished work on my way home, but she is slowly understanding that I don't drop everything immediately to be or do what she wants. It's ironic now I'm doing the things now we're separated that had I known should have been doing in the relationship but that's life.

You are doing all you can do and you are doing it pretty well. It's a fine line to walk and you stumbled a few times, but you have gotten increasingly better.

I think you've painted a good picture for her that you care about her, that you can handle extreme emotional challenge with maturity, that you respect yourself (your not coaching her in her new relationship) and that you still respect her but are not her faithful dog.

What's next?

Does she have her travel booked? Is she coming back after her trip in July or is it one way?

[Pedro]

Hello Skip, thank you for your comments.

For myself at least I feel I have made some progress.  I took on board completely what you livednleaned, heartandwhole & others have advised, considered and educated myself to. I know I needed to do these things immediately for my own sanity at least which I have been doing & will continue to do for some time to come.
Yes no more faithful loyal dog, mothering her, I have kicked myself up my own butt. Started to live life again, doing things for me. Can't say I'm being selfish completely, but am putting me first, supporting my family reasonably, and do consider 1 or 2 invites to occasionally do things together with ex gf BPD.  I refuse to get into or play this best mate/friends role she wanted me to do & implied so, not happening.
She has booked a return ticket to TX as she cannot leave her job immediately as she has significant commitments to her job & financially here also.
I know in my heart of hearts that she will go home completely, maybe all her idealizations & whatever potential psychological & emotional creation she has made of Mr Wonderful will be reaffirmed once they meet in the real.
In the 1% odds that I give us of reconciling I would hypothetically be better prepared mentally to use the tools I have learned, not being scared of using boundaries, taking time away if she has any future implosions/meltdown.  I understand the illness a lot more, I know it would not be easy, I know now I would have to do the role of caretaker, caregiver, nurturer, brick wall of support, & now knowing her limitations of who & what she is as a human being within the context of having the BPD condition.
Yes she could more to help herself if she considered Therapy/Counselling. This is all hypothetical & I don't hold out hope of this happening but at least I would be better prepared.

Thanks Skip & others.

[Skip]

I know in my heart of hearts that she will go home completely, maybe all her idealizations & whatever potential psychological & emotional creation she has made of Mr Wonderful will be reaffirmed once they meet in the real.

Not to give false hope, but most of these don't work out. They go a couple of rounds and are down. The problem with LDR is what would take a month in real life can take a year to play out in an LDR.

In the 1% odds that I give us of reconciling I would hypothetically be better prepared mentally to use the tools I have learned, not being scared of using boundaries, taking time away if she has any future implosions/meltdown. 

This will help you in life, no matter what direction you go.

[Pedro]

Hi Skip,
Thanks I don't have any hope whatsoever for a reconciliation. I'm not being negative or pessimistic, just getting on life one day at a tome, I would be setting myself for a fall, but the conflicting positive & negative comments, actions and behaviours does push you to your limits and beyond. It's human nature not to think or feel to some extent that you may reunite, but I cannot allow myself that luxury.
Thanks.

[Skip]

When a women is done, it is not like this. They are done.

She is conflicted.

[Pedro]

Well I am moving on, cannot allow another heartbreak again.
Thanks Skip.

[AnuDay]

There are some valid points here.  LDRs don't work.  You never know until you meet. 
Your wife does sound conflicted. 
We are in the exact same boat Pedro.  I have not done half the research that you have done.  I do know that our women have very poor executive functioning abilities and she probably can't see the forest from the trees.  She is also being very cruel about everything.  This causes you to feel a great deal of resentment towards her.  Who in their right mind would want to sit and wait around for a woman like this to come to their senses?  I am trying very hard to get my pwBPD back, because I know she's in serious trouble.  Her family knows that she's in trouble too.  But if I can't get her back I have plans without her that I am making.  We have to be prepared for anything at this point.  I watch her very closely because my pwBPD is very secretive. 

[Pedro]

Thanks AnuDay,

Sorry to correct you but ex gf BPD is ex partner of almost 6 years is not my wife unfortunately. Thank you for your feedback. Am getting slowly stronger & more positive day by day, being selfish putting me first. I do not have children to consider as you do & I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a broken immediate family unit to consider. My thoughts & best wishes whatever outcome you arrive at.
Good luck.
Pedro