I've never felt love and hate so strongly. Will I ever find that kind of love?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have never experienced the level of love that I did with my ex girlfriend.  I'm 37, divorced and have two kids.  She was with me for a year while I was going through my divorce.  We seemed perfect for each other and I didn't know about BPD until it was too late.  She has moved onto the dating seen so fast and I don't feel that I will ever find what I lost even though it was down right evil hatred half the time.  She wants to be friends but I can't stand by while all these new men abuse her for her body like they always have.  One of the main reasons she has this disorder.  I wish we could both wake up from this nightmare, but I understand or am trying to understand that that's not realistic.  What was real?  What is real?

[Loveandreal]

I have never experienced the level of love that I did with my ex girlfriend.  I'm 37, divorced and have two kids.  She was with me for a year while I was going through my divorce.  We seemed perfect for each other and I didn't know about BPD until it was too late.  She has moved onto the dating seen so fast and I don't feel that I will ever find what I lost even though it was down right evil hatred half the time.  She wants to be friends but I can't stand by while all these new men abuse her for her body like they always have.  One of the main reasons she has this disorder.  I wish we could both wake up from this nightmare, but I understand or am trying to understand that that's not realistic.  What was real?  What is real?

[Mutt]

Hi TristanLee,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. A r/s with a pwBPD can be the highest highs and the lowest lows. A pwBPD have dichotomous and can only see a person as either all good or all bad and can't see someone as an integrated whole, people are somewhere in the middle.

BPD is a serious mental illness, pwBPD can recover from the disorder, it depends on how self aware that she is, does she feel like there's something that's not right with her? Is she oblivious, is she motivated to help herself? We can't control someone else, we can only control ourselves.

Did you accept her offer to be friends? What's the backstory on your break up? Are you looking to detach from your ex?

My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

[happendtome]

I regret that i did friendzone. It made me weaker eventually as she sucked all energy out from me. I wanted to rescue her, but she didnt want to be rescued, but instead she enjoyed that she had a loyal orbiter.
I cut it off finally, it was hard, but i stopped all communication from my part and when she asked something from me, i only gave yes or no kind of answers. I dont know what she is thinking about me or does she think at all, but she must know by now that she cant get anything from me.

[Hopeful_Me]

Welcome TristanLee,

Congrats on taking care of you by detaching. As Mutt said, it's a serious illness that she likely doesn't know she has. One of the systematic behaviors is the inexplicable emotional switch-off of love. My ex did it a few times. I am on day 4 of NC and I am doing well. Probably because I saw - finally - how much I had gotten sucked in. It scared me. Now that I am moving out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), I feel more free. I have blocked all forms of communication - I do NOT want to get enmeshed into his sickness again.

Glad you're here, keep posting 

[AnuDay]

Stay strong.  Stay NC.  It gets better and easier with time.  Remember both the bad and the good times.

[Seenowayout]

All I can say is I know exactly what you are talking about.  I feel it too.  They say with no contact and proper detachment it will go away.  I guess we will see friend.  What makes it hard for me, is the love was so good, hard to imagine life without it.  Feel very cynical and sad.  But you're not alone, which must have some consolation

[blissful_camper]

All I can say is I know exactly what you are talking about.  I feel it too.  They say with no contact and proper detachment it will go away.  I guess we will see friend.  What makes it hard for me, is the love was so good, hard to imagine life without it.  Feel very cynical and sad.  But you're not alone, which must have some consolation

The hurt will fall away with time and healing. What was hardest for me (at first) was figuring out how to process a painful experience so that at the end of the day, that experience (and the learning) benefitted me. Be very good to yourself right now. It does get better, I promise. 

[Zemmma]

Seenowayout,
I am with you on that. The love being so good that it is hard to imagine life without it.

It kind of drives me crazy that it is constantly suggested that the only reason we can't detach is because we don't love or value ourselves enough, and need the pwBPD to idolize us.

I saw something different suggested once, that resonated more. It was written for someone with BPD about the non that has stuck by them. It said that the non was probably a very STRONG and DETERMINED person. For standing by, for loving and forgiving through a lot of painful and mystifying behaviour. I love that it suggested strength instead of weakness in the non. That is me. I love myself and I love my life. I had a solid, loving childhood and value positive things and people in my life. I see the best in people and situations. I love my BPDex and wanted to keep our rare and beautiful love in my life. I would have done so if he let me. So yes, I am losing one of the best, most valued people and times of my life. That is why I am upset. Not because I have low self-esteem, or because I am pathologically tied into the push and pull, rollercoaster. I loved him not because of that, but despite it. The good was that good. It was always worth dealing with the other.

[Seenowayout]

Zemmma,

Exactly!  I've been thinking about the Sheryl Crowe song "Are you strong enough to be my man".  That was her to a T, and she even said it fit me.  If you don't know it, look up the lyrics.  It is like a BPD anthem.  And I was strong enough, for a while.  And then for a moment I wasn't. And that's all it took. No forgiveness.  Black and white. 

But I think that's why she still loves me.  Because I tried.  harder than any other man in her life.  No man would put up with much of her rage, her words, her mystifying behavior.  I tried to save her.  But I keep hearing that its impossible and I'm arrogant for thinking I could.  So sad.   

[hopealways]

I'm going to be controversial and question the premise that it was true love to begin with. I do not believe the BPD is capable of manifesting love, i.e. nurturing mutually harmonious relationships. We think it is love because we come into these relationships with a distorted view of what love is to begin with which is usually the toxicity we saw in our family growing up.

[Zemmma]

moving4ward,
I will challenge back (respectfully). My ex had BPD traits in my opinion. But there was never a diagnosis or suggestion of this from him or his doctors (to my knowledge). We are all humans on a spectrum. He is definitely human and not flawless. Some of these traits that seem BPD to me occur in other people who do not have a personality disorder.

And even if he was diagnosed with BPD, there would still be more to him as a human than just typical BPD traits and responses. He has gifts, kindness, sensitivities and great generosity. He is a loving father and brother in ways I have never seen. He is a unique person, an amazing lover, a caring boyfriend and son. There is not anyone like him in the world.

You have suggested that all non's have a distorted view of love?... .  We don't all have the same view of love and don't all understand love in the same way. What is love? Not all non's come from "toxic families."

Sometimes people just fall in love because they are drawn to each other; it is not always some subconscious pull rooted in childhood dysfunction. We have to accept that sometimes people (BPD or not) will turn on us, break up with us, leave us, come back, leave again, or try to move on in silence. We have invented our own vocabulary here. Turn on us= paint us black, break up with us= discard, come back= recycle... But "normal" people do these things too, sometimes as a healthy way of detaching from a relationship. They determine that a relationship is not working and decide to leave it. Then they might try a relationship with someone else. It always sucks if you are the dumpee. But the behaviours themselves are very common.

So I am arguing that if the person coming to the board says it was true love, then it was love.

[Zemmma]

And yes... I know Strong Enough, Seenowayout... .

Can sing and play it on my guitar! Very fitting. Sad really.

I thought I could do it too- be strong, be whatever he needs. Accept whatever he could give me. But the r/s kept degrading further with each time he left. He must have tried to leave 15 times! It just starts to feel like groundhog day. And with each breakup he gets more and more convinced this is not the r/s that he needs. And I keep telling myself its worth it and I can handle more break ups for more time with him. But have realized how damaging that is to my health and well-being.

I just can't break my boundaries. I would do ALMOST anything for him. But when push comes to shove, I can't invite this emotional instability into my home (my children's home. He is so lovely, but emotionally he is a little boy. And without cohabitation, he sees no future with me. My boundaries broke us. Made him feel unloved. Because I lived with and supported my ex-husband and I wouldn't/ couldn't live with him. I can't do that again. He is always measuring things and trying to make things "even Steven." Like a child. Protesting things are NOT FAIR! Saying he can't stay in this r/s because if he does I would be getting what I want and he wouldn't.

Loveandreal... .being with a loving someone through the worst part of your separation and divorce adds a level of complexity and probably some trauma bonding. It's truly heartbreaking that the person who gave you hope and love during that dark time has turned away. Losing her will bring up the deep wounds of your failed marriage and highlight all of the unresolved pain there as well as the emptiness that you feel now that you are finally, really alone for the first time following your marriage with two kids. This is a painful and unwanted solitude. Through this post-separation r/s I do feel I have successfully distanced from the ex-husband... so I have hope that feelings for the BPDex will fade and one day I won't feel the pain of losing this love so deeply. People here say that all of the time. They also say we will find love again. We should try to believe in that and embrace radical acceptance. It's sadly our only choice at this time.

[blissful_camper]

I'm going to be controversial and question the premise that it was true love to begin with. I do not believe the BPD is capable of manifesting love, i.e. nurturing mutually harmonious relationships. We think it is love because we come into these relationships with a distorted view of what love is to begin with which is usually the toxicity we saw in our family growing up.

I think that maybe we are drawn to what we want to learn when we are ready to learn. I was ready to learn some painful truths about myself and my own FOO issues. I'm not sure that it's possible for me to say that I was capable of 'true' love because I was a mess in my own unique ways.