Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 26, 2020, 09:12:35 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I am scared that he will cause harm to himself  (Read 652 times)
SurvivingBPDex

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 16


« on: July 17, 2017, 08:41:06 PM »

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He is an alcoholic and has BPD. I'm looking to find a therapist. I can use all the support I can get. So far I have been reading and the stories are similar. I still love my ex but I'm trying to save myself from all the heart ache he has brought to my life.
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2017, 01:54:44 PM »

Hi Survivingbpex and Welcome! 

This is the right place to come for support.  I'm so glad you found us.  Sorry you've been suffering the heart ache you speak of.  How long ago did you break up with your ex and how were things left between you?  When you're ready, perhaps you'd like to tell us a little more of your story. 

I'm glad you've been reading posts here.  I'd also advise you to take a good look around at the great articles (some which I've found to be especially helpful ones for my own healing at the top of this board) and the lessons and tools (links to the right).  Understanding what you have experienced can make a great deal of difference in your recovery and speaking to others here who can understand your feelings is a real help too.  Things can and do get better, so keep reading and posting.  Let us know how best we can support you.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
SurvivingBPDex

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 16


« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2017, 06:21:19 PM »

Hi
I currently left my boyfriend of three years. He has many qualities of BPD but was never diagnosed. I still feel very attached and in love with this person. I have left him many times before. This time I am looking to seek therapy. He has done a lot of harm emotionally. The best way to describe this relationship is like being in a rollercoaster. I finally got off the ride. I am scared that he will cause harm to himself because he was in a bad car accident in the past. I am hoping for the best but terrified at the same time. Your stories and comments have been helpful. Thank you in advance.

Separating from someone who has BPD

  • Tips on staying away
  • I don't want to go back to a dysfunctional relationship
  • How have others coped with detaching
  • Has anyone had a bad outcome from leaving?
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10231



WWW
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2017, 12:16:39 AM »

Hi SurvivingBPDex,

Welcome

I'm happy to hear that you're choosing to do work in therapy, it can do wonders with a good therapist. My advice to you if this your first T, make sure that they gel with you, you don't to settle with the first T that you find.

The next part is easier said than done, shift your focus away from him if you've exited the r/s and focus on yourself. I suggest to do a lot of self care, what do you for self care? Use as many resources that are available for you, you're going to a T, use this board to process the grief with people that have been there, do you have a supportive friend or family member that is non judgmental and a good listener?

Make a chiice with your boundaries, and I mean self protection, do you want to go NC ( No Contact ) or MC ( Minimal Contact )? I strongly suggest that you self protect to give yourself the adequate time and space to mend your wounds because if you don't you're exposing yourself to harm by having your ex reopen your wounds, it can feel like one step forward and two steps back when you engage your ex by taking the bait or JADE'ing. Its also good practice with boundaries if you didn't have a lot of boundaries or you had floating boundaries. I canot stress this enough keep defending your boundaries at the onset protection, it will get easier.

My last bit of advice to you is don't look too far ahead, take it one day at a time and break that down even further, take in one hour at a time if you need to. Hang in there.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2017, 12:25:25 PM »

Hi SurvivingBPDex,

When you left him before on the many occasions, what triggered you to do so and how was the next recycle of the relationship started?  This can help us to understand the pattern and better support you through detaching.

Excerpt
This time I am looking to seek therapy. He has done a lot of harm emotionally. The best way to describe this relationship is like being in a rollercoaster. I finally got off the ride. I am scared that he will cause harm to himself because he was in a bad car accident in the past. I am hoping for the best but terrified at the same time.

The car accident you speak of, was it intentional and if so, at what stage were you in the r/s?  That is very scary and it's understandable that you would be fearful.  It also sounds like he is keeping you in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  There's a great article on this here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I found this helpful to read, as my exBPDbf would self harm (cutting in front of me that required hospital treatment) and suicide threats and attempts were a regular occurence.  I was living on my nerves and they were stretched to their limits.  At the same time he was violent towards me so I was always on guard, in fight or flight mode.  It wasn't sustainable and I was heading for (if not already in the middle of) a complete breakdown when we split up once and for all.  Leaving him when he was so unstable was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I was so scared that he might follow through on his threats to take his life.  Six months later he is alive and well.  In fact I saw him recently walking down a street with his second girlfriend since we went NC. 

I'm so glad you have a T lined up.  This is a wise move and will serve you well.  Keep on posting and learning all you can on the articles and lessons here and ask away when things start to dwell on your mind.  Many here will have been through the same and be able to share their experience and findings with you. 

Stay strong for yourself.

Love and light x   

Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!