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Author Topic: I am scared that he will cause harm to himself  (Read 490 times)
SurvivingBPDex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 16


« on: July 17, 2017, 08:41:06 PM »

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He is an alcoholic and has BPD. I'm looking to find a therapist. I can use all the support I can get. So far I have been reading and the stories are similar. I still love my ex but I'm trying to save myself from all the heart ache he has brought to my life.
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Harley Quinn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2017, 01:54:44 PM »

Hi Survivingbpex and Welcome! 

This is the right place to come for support.  I'm so glad you found us.  Sorry you've been suffering the heart ache you speak of.  How long ago did you break up with your ex and how were things left between you?  When you're ready, perhaps you'd like to tell us a little more of your story. 

I'm glad you've been reading posts here.  I'd also advise you to take a good look around at the great articles (some which I've found to be especially helpful ones for my own healing at the top of this board) and the lessons and tools (links to the right).  Understanding what you have experienced can make a great deal of difference in your recovery and speaking to others here who can understand your feelings is a real help too.  Things can and do get better, so keep reading and posting.  Let us know how best we can support you.

Love and light x
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SurvivingBPDex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 16


« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2017, 06:21:19 PM »

Hi
I currently left my boyfriend of three years. He has many qualities of BPD but was never diagnosed. I still feel very attached and in love with this person. I have left him many times before. This time I am looking to seek therapy. He has done a lot of harm emotionally. The best way to describe this relationship is like being in a rollercoaster. I finally got off the ride. I am scared that he will cause harm to himself because he was in a bad car accident in the past. I am hoping for the best but terrified at the same time. Your stories and comments have been helpful. Thank you in advance.

Separating from someone who has BPD

  • Tips on staying away
  • I don't want to go back to a dysfunctional relationship
  • How have others coped with detaching
  • Has anyone had a bad outcome from leaving?
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2017, 12:16:39 AM »

Hi SurvivingBPDex,

Welcome

I'm happy to hear that you're choosing to do work in therapy, it can do wonders with a good therapist. My advice to you if this your first T, make sure that they gel with you, you don't to settle with the first T that you find.

The next part is easier said than done, shift your focus away from him if you've exited the r/s and focus on yourself. I suggest to do a lot of self care, what do you for self care? Use as many resources that are available for you, you're going to a T, use this board to process the grief with people that have been there, do you have a supportive friend or family member that is non judgmental and a good listener?

Make a chiice with your boundaries, and I mean self protection, do you want to go NC ( No Contact ) or MC ( Minimal Contact )? I strongly suggest that you self protect to give yourself the adequate time and space to mend your wounds because if you don't you're exposing yourself to harm by having your ex reopen your wounds, it can feel like one step forward and two steps back when you engage your ex by taking the bait or JADE'ing. Its also good practice with boundaries if you didn't have a lot of boundaries or you had floating boundaries. I canot stress this enough keep defending your boundaries at the onset protection, it will get easier.

My last bit of advice to you is don't look too far ahead, take it one day at a time and break that down even further, take in one hour at a time if you need to. Hang in there.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2017, 12:25:25 PM »

Hi SurvivingBPDex,

When you left him before on the many occasions, what triggered you to do so and how was the next recycle of the relationship started?  This can help us to understand the pattern and better support you through detaching.

Excerpt
This time I am looking to seek therapy. He has done a lot of harm emotionally. The best way to describe this relationship is like being in a rollercoaster. I finally got off the ride. I am scared that he will cause harm to himself because he was in a bad car accident in the past. I am hoping for the best but terrified at the same time.

The car accident you speak of, was it intentional and if so, at what stage were you in the r/s?  That is very scary and it's understandable that you would be fearful.  It also sounds like he is keeping you in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  There's a great article on this here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I found this helpful to read, as my exBPDbf would self harm (cutting in front of me that required hospital treatment) and suicide threats and attempts were a regular occurence.  I was living on my nerves and they were stretched to their limits.  At the same time he was violent towards me so I was always on guard, in fight or flight mode.  It wasn't sustainable and I was heading for (if not already in the middle of) a complete breakdown when we split up once and for all.  Leaving him when he was so unstable was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I was so scared that he might follow through on his threats to take his life.  Six months later he is alive and well.  In fact I saw him recently walking down a street with his second girlfriend since we went NC. 

I'm so glad you have a T lined up.  This is a wise move and will serve you well.  Keep on posting and learning all you can on the articles and lessons here and ask away when things start to dwell on your mind.  Many here will have been through the same and be able to share their experience and findings with you. 

Stay strong for yourself.

Love and light x   

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