Do you hate your BPD ex even though you know why they act that way?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So you probably know why your BPD ex treated you badly and hurt you as badly as they did. Do you have any compassion for their illness or just hate them regardless of any excuses? How badly did they damage you and what are the long term effects of their abuse?

[imsorryireallyam]

So you probably know why your BPD ex treated you badly and hurt you as badly as they did. Do you have any compassion for their illness or just hate them regardless of any excuses? How badly did they damage you and what are the long term effects of their abuse?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Those are very good questions. I have PTSD from a lifetime of abusive relationships. I lived most of my life emotionally detached/shutdown, I was depressed, and I dissociated a lot over the years because of it. I'm in my 40s now. I spent 20 years with my uexBPDh \ uexNPDh.

Long story short, I was extremely miserable in my marriage and things came to a head. We went to marriage counseling which is where the therapist thought I had a lot of unresolved trauma. I saw a trauma therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD. That was almost 3 years ago and I am still seeing her.  It was during this time that I started to "wake up". The fog I had lived my life in was starting to lift finally. It was then I started to realize he was a covert narcissist. I started to see all of the emotional abuse he was doing to me: gaslighting, controlling, manipulation, history rewriting, shaming, insults, projection, near constant criticism, threats, isolating me from my friends and family. I was also finally getting back in touch with my feelings for the first time in many many years. I was learning how to feel again and how to deal with overwhelming emotions since I had now opened the floodgate. I also learned I was co-dependent and started to work on it.

I started to call him on his behavior (as politely as I could) and started standing up for myself. He justified everything he did (the emotional abuse) and didn't see any issues with it because I "made him do it". When I also stopped managing his emotions, that's when I learned about BPD. I believe during this time I triggered his abandonment issues and that's when he started raging at me. I saw the Jekyll/Hyde come out big time. One minute I was everything to him, the next he was kicking me out because I was the most vile person on the planet. One minute he was angrily insulting me with everything he could think of, then the next he was sobbing that he couldn't imagine how painful my life had been. It was unsettling to see the immediate mood shifts. Then the emotional abuse got worse despite the marriage counseling. Add in NPD behavior (which also got worse) and it was hell for me and the kids. I couldn't sneeze without him finding out and badgering me about it. He was constantly tracking my whereabouts and interrogating me about them. When I genuinely asked him why some things bothered him so much, he accused me of being sarcastic and other things. It felt bizarre. I was really trying to talk to him about these things and he refused to talk to me like a rational adult. I felt like I was conversing with an emotionally unstable adolescent.

When I first started my trauma therapy, he said he wanted to be supportive of me. I believe he did. He just went about it the wrong way (big time) despite me and the counselor telling him what he was doing was not helping. He ended up re-traumatizing me really bad. I was working on setting and enforcing my boundaries. I wasn't very good at them but I was trying. He bulldozed over my boundaries time and time again. One of the worst ones was when he wanted to talk about something one morning. I had been in trauma therapy for only 2 weeks. I had just woken up that morning and asked him if we could talk about it later. Nope. He kept badgering me. I felt myself getting angry that he wouldn't delay it as I had asked. I repeated myself. Nope. I left the room. He followed me badgering me about it repeatedly. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier that he wouldn't stop badgering me. I repeatedly begged him to stop. He didn't. It went on for awhile. I then finally exploded hitting him with a pillow as hard as I could yelling at him that I hated him over and over. I then collapsed on the floor curled up in a ball sobbing. What did he do? He sat down in front of me and told me I was unstable and dangerous to the children. It was then I knew I had to divorce him. Who does that to someone they claim to love? How is that in any way helpful? It was in that moment I started to really hate him and couldn't get away from him fast enough.

Not only that but during the divorce process he repeatedly tried to alienate the kids against me. He raged at me for everything he could think of. The emotional abuse just got worse and worse. He justified all of it. His self-righteous, all-or-nothing, distorted thinking got worse. Looking back, I had triggered his abandonment issues in a very big way. He took it all out on me and I didn't fight back other than to not react to his outbursts and manipulation attempts. I tried everything I could to de-escalate fights and make the process as easy on everyone as I could. It was still hell. He repeatedly tried to bait me into hitting him again through things like physical intimidation and repeated insults. I refused and walked away.  I had to call the police on him once out of fear of violence from him when he raged. His rages triggered my PTSD from things that happened before I had met him. My therapy was crucial to get through it. The things I wrote here is just the tip of the iceberg on how horrible it all was. There were a couple of times when I was suicidal because I thought he would never stop abusing me and I'd never get away from him and it would just get worse. I was in a very dark place at times.

Fast forward a few years.  Currently I hate him less than I did before. It took me close to two years to get past the hate. I worked hard to get past the hate both for my own mental health and my children's. 

Knowing he has a mental illness has helped with most of the anger and hate now. Now that I'm away from him, I can step back better and see the big picture more. I still struggle to find compassion for him because of the emotional abuse. To this day, he justifies all of it and says it's my fault. I know better now. Once in awhile I feel sorry for him because it must really suck to live like he does. I've tried to put myself in his shoes but it's hard to wrap my head around it. He seems extremely insecure and it's sad really. He refuses to acknowledge he has any issues. Until he can, I think he will just be unhappy. He still tries to gaslight me, he projects his behaviors onto me still, and he still tries to alienate the kids against me. It doesn't work on us anymore.

I'm in a very healthy relationship now. I've never been happier. My kids are happier too. In a way, thanks to him I was able to finally start my journey to healing from the abuse I endured my entire life. It started when I was 4 and taught to accept abuse as normal. I went from one abusive relationship to another thinking it was normal. Now I know it wasn't.

At times I find myself hyper sensitive now to people's behaviors. I still get triggered but I'm now able to work through it much better and faster. It was a hell of a journey but I made it.

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome imsorryireallyam 

Where do you stand on this question?  The fact that you're here and the title of your thread suggests that someone in your life has BPD or traits of and you've suffered abuse from them.  What sort of abuse did you experience?  My exBPDbf became violent towards the end of our r/s, after months of emotional blackmail with suicide attempts and severe self harm.  It left me very conflicted that's for sure.  I felt compassion towards his illness and the suffering he struggles with, however his actions were unacceptable.  It took me time to forgive the impacts he had on my life, which were far reaching - some of which I'm going through family court to hopefully resolve now regards custody of my child. 

If you're happy to share, you're in good company.  The members here can relate to you and all have their own situations that you'll find may have some similarities to your own.  We all support one another and are at various stages of the healing process, so can help with what you're dealing with.

When you're ready, tell us as much of your story as you're comfortable to write.  We're listening.

Love and light x 

[Pedro]

I do not hate my exgf BPD generally. I hate the fact that she will not address her illness. She knows she has it. I hate the fact she put me through hell & will put future non's partners through the same hell & wreak havoc on non's mental health.

[Mutt]

Hi imsorryireallyam,

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I show compassion, my kids will always think that they’re real family is with their mom and dad and to them m, they don’t see the illness, they’re too young they see their mom and have unconditional love for her. I don’t get in the middle if that it’s their r/s. Their r/s is with her it’s not mom, dad and the kids.

I saw how my exuBPDw’s D18 dad was attached and how the divorce poison affected her. I didn’t want that for my kids, I let go gracefully, I forgave her after I forgave myself but I didn’t tell her, I don’t think that you have to. I just wanted to let go and move forward with my kids, our new family and not be attached to past or the present really and show compassion. It’s worked very so far.

OP do you a pwBPD in your life?

[WhimsicalLogic]

For me, my ex didn't display the erratic behavior until after we broke up the first time. In her mind, she needed to get out before she lashed out and claimed to be sparing me. That's said, the following months we were back and forth and she exhibited all of the push/pull mentality, the obvious attempts at manipulation, and the angry outbursts of someone in the throws of an episode. Of course, I had just found out about her condition, so I didn't handle well. If I knew about the communication tools on this site then, maybe it ends up differently. I'll never know. So ultimately, I don't hate her; I feel bad for her. I wish we were still together, and she certainly had a hand in that, but I don't feel hate. I hope she finds mental peace someday.

[hope2727]

I don't hate mine. I love him. I forgive him (most days ... .forgiveness is an ongoing process for me). I HATE his choices of behaviour. I hate is illness. Himself as a person I love... .unconditionally. That dies not however mean I will ever tolerate his abuse again. Not that there is much chance of that as we haven't spoken in years.

[vanx]

I hate the way she treats me. Sometimes I say to myself I hate her, but it only fuels the fire. It's still hard for me to identify whether she is even mistreating me or not sometimes, or if I just misunderstand. Either way it is painful. I wish she could just treat me nice again. Compassion is difficult because she comes across as very cool and indifferent. It's hard to have compassion because she does not seem to suffer like I do, but I imagine she has her own unrelated struggles. I would feel better about myself remaining compassionate, but I also have to make sure to not be a doormat.

[FallenOne]

I don't care what my ex said happened to her as a child (is it even true anyway?) or what stories she makes up to make herself the victim. A poor childhood, being abused, being a victim, whatever... .it's no excuse to treat other adults like sh!t simply because you have a troubled past... It might sound harsh, but I'm sorry, that's how I feel about it. Do I hate my ex? Not to the point of putting energy into it on a daily basis, but yes I'd say I hate my ex.

[SuperJew82]

I forgave. Hate is not something that one should carry around. Compassion and self-preservation are not mutually exclusive.

I know that I wasn't making her any better and I was hurting badly as well. I had no choice but to let her go. She will do better without me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

If you haven't recognized there are two people with relationship issues here, however different they might be, you still have a ways to go on your own personal journey.

-sj

[Harley Quinn]

I forgave. Hate is not something that one should carry around. Compassion and self-preservation are not mutually exclusive.

I know that I wasn't making her any better and I was hurting badly as well. I had no choice but to let her go. She will do better without me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

If you haven't recognized there are two people with relationship issues here, however different they might be, you still have a ways to go on your own personal journey.

-sj

Superjew has some really good points here.  Both parties are entering the r/s with their own wounds from the outset, neither is exclusively responsible for the way events unfold and we each can examine our reasons for being involved after enough time has passed.     

Love and light x

[confusedbloke]

I don't hate my ex and that's the problem.  She just couldn't help herself.  The abuse and everything was from her frustration at me.  And because shes childlike - how can you hate that?  And that's the paradox in these situations.

They see us as their saviours at first.  To sweep them away from their dark and dismal world.  We are the light at the end of the tunnel.  But that is too much pressure on anyone - to be responsible for another persons happiness.  So if I were to go and visit a friend instead of being with her, her abandonment fears would kick in and their emotions are the truth.  If she feels ive abandoned her, that's the truth.  When in actual fact a fancied a night with a mate... .nothing more sinister.  My ex put so much pressure on me to spend time with her... .She didnt have kids, a job or friends... .I was her only thing in life.  But I do!  I was the focal, and when I didn't conform to being at her beck and call, the mask slowly slipped... .Then once she had a drink, she became an angry drunken toddler.  No amount of reasoning or talking would sort this out.  If Id have walked away instead of biting to this, would it have made a difference?  Perhaps in the short term, but in the end the result would be the same.  I couldn't give her the impossible demands thrust upon me so she left me heart broken, dazed and confused.  I could never have had a normal relationship with her and been able to go on nights out with friends, or go out together without there being some altercation.

Its the nature of the beast with BPD.  We are in pain, but no where near as much as what she is / was on a daily basis.  And for that I cant hate her as its a mental illness... .and I think that's a reason many of us take a long time to let go.  But we will eventually. And if my ex has now moved on to someone else, she will repeat the same thing.  I sometimes think, is it me that made her like this, but then I realise its not... .although I probably exacerbated the situation with my reactions, but it will not change who she is without treatment... .

Still sad tho... .but we will get there

[Seenowayout]

We never would have had a relationship in the first place if she didn't have these emotional isssues -- so how can I hate her for it? 

She sure seemed to hate me towards the end, judging from her rages, words and actions. I don't remember if she told me she hated me. She told me I was evil.

I never told her I hate her. I hated her actions. To be honest, when the wounds were fresh I remember telling her the way she carries on she would probably  die alone -- and felt so bad afterwards. I pictured her in a hospital bed, alone, dying ALL ALONE  -- and I cried and cried and cried. It was cathartic. Opened a lot of doors to forgiveness for me 

More accurate is I hated myself more for enabling her, allowing this thing to happen, and for letting in all it did to me and my family.  Having a harder time forgiving myself

[WildernessMan]

I'm with the person who said that hate is an awful thing to carry around with you. I dont hate anybody. Maybe frustrated and disappointed. And my wife isn't yet an Ex but quickly headed that way. Details of divorce are being worked out now.

My situation is likely different than most here. My BPD wife and I have been together 23 years, married 21. So I have a long history with her BPD traits. A history that long, I think, creates more solid understanding of the relationship dynamics. More understanding helps me avoid hating her for sure. I hope that makes sense.   

[Making sense]

Can anyone help me understand this? I do not hate my ex wife, and I am in the process of forgiving and reflecting on our 12 year Marriage. Here is what I am most struggling with. Ive heard BPD/npd or bi polar behaviors originated from a past trauma (rape, or molestation). But how does that affect how your brain works? Now I have been hit, and kicked by my alcoholic Father as a child, but never sexual abuse. I know it has devastating effects, but how does it make a human being NOT care and have no moral code?

I have the ability to forgive, and have compassion, loyalty, and feel guilty for any actions or words I inflict on someone else, yet people with BPD cannot do any of these things, and Im not sure why? Yes, I get the trauma, but to have no morals or values?

My Ex did something REALLY stupid before we dated that she shared with me. She met a guy online in Kentucky and said that he was her online boyfriend. I said, "did you guys ever meet?" and she replied "no". This guys told her he wanted to come visit her, but needed some money for the plane and such... .so she ACTUALLY wired this guy the money, and she never heard from him again! Who in the right mind would send money to someone you never met before online?

Yes I know, I know ... .

At the time I told her, "you know what, we all do stupid stuff we regret. I have done tons of stuff I would like to take back". I chalked it up to just bad decision making. But in my head, im like "Really? Why would you do that?"

Anyways, back on topic, I do not hate my ex, but I have asked her tons of times if she hates me, and she always says "No I don't hate you", yet the things she says and does tells me otherwise. I don't want her to hate me, but maybe she does or its the BPD that makes her hate me? I don't know, just still really confused is all

[Harley Quinn]

Hi makingsense,

I'm glad to hear that you are in a place of forgiveness and able to reflect on the marriage.   

I have the ability to forgive, and have compassion, loyalty, and feel guilty for any actions or words I inflict on someone else, yet people with BPD cannot do any of these things, and Im not sure why? Yes, I get the trauma, but to have no morals or values?

I wonder if this link to the DSM5 definition of BPD might help you a little to clarify some of these things.  There is no mention of lack of morals, etc. 

A pwBPD can show compassion, loyalty and certainly feels guilt (extremely so, as with all emotions felt by sufferers).  Morals and values can be held, however the behaviours demonstrated may conflict with these and is likely due to diminished executive function which can be another symptom of the disorder.  For example, my partner was against violence towards women, however when enraged through fear of abandonment, therefore lashing out in pain, he eventually acted out physically.   

I hope this goes some way to answering your question.  Perhaps it would be good to start a thread about this if you would like more input from others.

Love and light x

[g2outfitter]

I don't believe in a million years that my exBPDgf would chose to have this disorder. No more than my autistic son would chose to have his autism. How could I hate her? I wouldn't wish BPD on the the devil himself. Do I hate that my heart was crushed, yes. Do I hate that her actions were hurtful and irrational, yes. Do I hate her, no. No more than I would hate my son for having autism.

One time I told her that I would love to crawl in her head for 5 minutes just to try and figure out what's going on in there. She replied... ."You don't want to crawl into my head for 5 minutes. If you did, you would come out running as fast as you could and screaming at the top of your lungs."

She will forever live a life of misery... .and she will forever cause misery for others.

My heart has never been hurt as much by anyone before her... .and my heart has never hurt for anyone more than her.

I hate BPD.

[SuperJew82]

G2outfitter:

I don't think I could have put it better than you just did. This is straight up reality and what we need to understand.

I love that you can have compassion for her after all the hell she put you through - it shows that you see things as how they really are, not just from a reflexive emotional response.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

I F*cking hate BPD too, as well.

 I don't hate my ex. I think we would both do whatever it took to find a cure for this. Until then, we should work on ourselves, as they have helped reveal a vulnerability in ourselves that should be worked on.

[Seenowayout]

I HATE BPD TOO!. I hate the torture it puts her through, I hate the damage it does to those that love her. More than anything I hate the evil, yes true evil, that was done to her that caused all this in the first place -- an evil that ripples out through generations of people

The evil is so dark, all out love failed in turning it back. That's disheartening to me.

As Harley says -- love and light

Because we don't hate the person -- we stop the ripple

[g2outfitter]

I HATE BPD TOO!. I hate the torture it puts her through, I hate the damage it does to those that love her. More than anything I hate the evil, yes true evil, that was done to her that caused all this in the first place -- an evil that ripples out through generations of people

The evil is so dark, all out love failed in turning it back. That's disheartening to me.

As Harley says -- love and light

Because we don't hate the person -- we stop the ripple

Exactly.

I'm not sure there will ever be a cure. The only hope is to eradicate the molestation, rape, abuse, abondonment, neglect, etc of children. It is a pure man made evil.

I hate BPD... .and despise the evil that causes it.

[WildernessMan]

I think one of the worst things about BPD is that attorneys and the courts dont really want to deal with it as a variable in divorce. So a BPD parent is free to continue their practice. Parent alienation being a big factor, at least in my case. Both are damaging to children.

[FallenOne]

I don't believe in separating the disorder from the person... I don't believe in giving people a "get out of jail free" card just because they have mental health problems. This is just my opinion... Not trying to offend anyone. My ex knew what she was doing. She can't be faultless.

[WildernessMan]

FallenOne - I feel similar, that the individual with BPD shouldnt be looked at as a seperate entity from the BPD itself. That BPD is a part of their being.

At the same time, however, I feel BPD was caused by damage long ago. And the damage caused by something outside their control mostly likely.

Therefore seperating the invididual from the BPD itself is the only way a non-BPD can deal with it without exploding. I've been at least partially successfully practicing this since I learned my wife probably has BPD. And it has helped.

It's not a cure though.

[Duped 1]

I still hate her at times. I have some compassion because I know she is miserable deep down, but it is not an excuse for her behavior and complete lack of accountability. I had never been in an abusive relationship and no one has ever been so wicked to me. Jekyl and Hyde like the rest here I imagine.

[Mutt]

My ex stopped by my place this morning to get some children’s Advil for my youngest. The kids had so many flu’s last year, I kept d of stocked up on the stuff, I gave her a brand new bottle to send with him at daycare. She said my middle child had a question,

I opened the back door and their little sister was in her car seat, my ex was still married me to me when she got pregnant by her boyfriend. That was a weird period for me, anyways, they’re sister is cute and they love her, she looked up at me wondering who I was.

I feel sad for her sometimes because her brothers and sister come to my house for a week and then return there the next. She must muss her siblings when they’re not there, but that’s the choice that her mom made.

She wanted a divorce and that’s a part of it although she wanted me to give her sole custody. No way, ittnot about her of me, it’s about the kids.

Anyways, back to my point, it didn’t even trigger me when I was talking to her, I didn’t have feelings of resentment, I felt indifferent, but it may of been a different story if she had raged at me, I don’t see that side of her anymore although I do get plenty of projection from her. I refuse to put all of that on my back like I once did.
The kids need me, I can’t lose myself in anger towards someone that doesn’t get why I’m angry, I went through all of that with my dad since I was pre adolescent and he didn’t validate feelings as she won’t either.

My kids need me in top form emotionally, physically and spiritually so that I can take care of them.

[soonbefree]

Once i found out he is BPD, that was 2 weeks after he dumped me, I stopped hating him. I pity him instead. He lost his dad when he was a teen, i suspect it was suicide, his life is quite harsh even without BPD. BPD makes it much worse. He is a quiet BPD so no rage no explosive anger despite silence is another form of abuse as well.

[Lost-love-mind]

Soontobe free
My gf exBPD. Found out after reading for weeks as to why one day they idolize you, and the next demonize you.
Yes, her dad committed suicide when she was 2 (she sent me the news article) and then a npd mother (multiple men) and finally 2 cheating abusive ex hubby's.
Enough.
As we are taught in 12 step recovery.
Get mad at the disease, not the person.