Fighting Making Contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I hate this struggle the most! It has not even been 2 mos. since my husband moved out. I went NC for a little over a month. It seemed easier b/c I was so angry and in denial. In a week moment I reached out a few times, I felt worse and have not reached out, it's only been 5 days ago. Yesterday, I was starting to feel depressed again, I made plans with a  friend for dinner and a movie. I was excited to go, when I got home I see on the porch a big package. It was for him, he had it sent to my house. I wanted to text him to tell him to come get it, I decided not to. I then became angry that he still uses my address. I was able to have a great time, but today feel very depressed. It triggered all of my abandonment issues, what I felt a great deal of the time during our r/s. He has not contacted me 1 time, never ask what he could do to make the marriage work, Instead he has his Viagra prescription, and his camping gear sent here. I know he has moved on, and I am slowly doing the same. When stuff like this comes up, it makes it so painfully oblivious how little I meant... .I do not want to keep opening up this wound !  I am going to tell him (if he inquires about it) its in the garage with the other stuff he left behind. I am going to set a time he needs to come get everything, what ever he leaves behind will be discarded, all mail in being returned to sender. I am not going to make contact with him! It's his stuff, he must know where it is. I just can't believe he doesn't realize the stress this adds. I mean refilling Viagra and sending it here, he works at the hospital, he could pick it up down stairs... .

[confused4now]

I hate this struggle the most! It has not even been 2 mos. since my husband moved out. I went NC for a little over a month. It seemed easier b/c I was so angry and in denial. In a week moment I reached out a few times, I felt worse and have not reached out, it's only been 5 days ago. Yesterday, I was starting to feel depressed again, I made plans with a  friend for dinner and a movie. I was excited to go, when I got home I see on the porch a big package. It was for him, he had it sent to my house. I wanted to text him to tell him to come get it, I decided not to. I then became angry that he still uses my address. I was able to have a great time, but today feel very depressed. It triggered all of my abandonment issues, what I felt a great deal of the time during our r/s. He has not contacted me 1 time, never ask what he could do to make the marriage work, Instead he has his Viagra prescription, and his camping gear sent here. I know he has moved on, and I am slowly doing the same. When stuff like this comes up, it makes it so painfully oblivious how little I meant... .I do not want to keep opening up this wound !  I am going to tell him (if he inquires about it) its in the garage with the other stuff he left behind. I am going to set a time he needs to come get everything, what ever he leaves behind will be discarded, all mail in being returned to sender. I am not going to make contact with him! It's his stuff, he must know where it is. I just can't believe he doesn't realize the stress this adds. I mean refilling Viagra and sending it here, he works at the hospital, he could pick it up down stairs... .

[Harley Quinn]

Just going off the title of your post, if you were to make contact, what would you want to say and what would you hope to achieve?  Perhaps you could write it down or share it here to get it off your chest.

In what way did you reach out and what was the outcome the last time?  From what you say you didn't feel like this was helpful to your detaching.  Keep reminding yourself of this, but also how well you have been doing otherwise.  There will be bumps in the road, but overall it's important to recognise your progress and see how far you have come.  Sometimes we don't notice the small differences that add up over time.  What has been the thing you've appreciated most about the time and space you've had from the r/s?

It does appear he is trying to keep a connection with you and generate a reaction.  Rising above this is healthier for you in the long run.  Can you put a redirect instruction in at the postal service?  Maybe it's an idea to have his stuff shipped if it makes you feel better.  Are we talking about a lot of stuff?  I'd also be tempted to return the parcel and give a forwarding address if you have it.  I found it so much easier when I was no longer surrounded by my ex's things.  It felt very cathartic and freeing as I broke that link.  

I'm so glad to hear that you took action to overcome the depressed feelings and went out for a fun evening with a friend.  Keep doing positive things for you whether you feel like it or not and soon enough it will become second nature.  After having our focus fully on another it can be a struggle to turn our attention just as fully onto ourselves.  It's so worth the effort though.

Hang in there and keep posting when you need to.  What you're going through is really tough and seeking support is the right thing to do.  

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi confused4now,

Can you put a redirect instruction in at the postal service?  Maybe it's an idea to have his stuff shipped if it makes you feel better.  Are we talking about a lot of stuff?  I'd also be tempted to return the parcel and give a forwarding address if you have it.  I found it so much easier when I was no longer surrounded by my ex's things.

You're right he doesn't realize how he impacts you, BPD is poor interpersonal r/s skills, self protection is going to help you, these reminders don't help you, like you said it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back. I agree with  Harley Quinn, redirect his mail, have his things returned and don't worry about his viagra prescription, he's a grown man, he should be able to take care of his mail and drugs himself.

You need a lot compassion and validation, it's something that he can't give, set a boundary with self protection and take very good care of yourself 

[confused4now]

 Thank you for responding, it really means a lot . when I reached out to him he just answered the questions I asked. He actually has respected my boundaries, as far as breaking up. I think that's what hurts too. He didn't respect me when we we together, but has no problem now. I'm grateful  most of the time, especially when I read about the pain others go through when their partners make contact. I really don't have anything to say that has not been said a million times. I guess what I really want is him to say... .  I AM SORRY,  again he has said it all a million times as well, not much changed.  In my dark nights of the soul moods, I struggle with reality. I know we are toxic and the marriage is over, but if I am accepting all the horrible things that happened, what do I do with the wonderful, tender moments that I can't call a lie yet. That's where I get stuck, I had 5 years and a marriage. I know if I called him right now he would come home. After a couple of months with Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde would return. I get tempted to not choose me so the pain will STOP... .

[Harley Quinn]

It is tempting, you're right.  Just remember that you are choosing the pain now to save yourself worse long term pain.  It is a good trade off.   

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

I'm grateful  most of the time, especially when I read about the pain others go through when their partners make contact. I really don't have anything to say that has not been said a million times.

That's true but this is your personal experience, your feelings are your own and they need to be validated.

I know we are toxic and the marriage is over, but if I am accepting all the horrible things that happened, what do I do with the wonderful, tender moments that I can't call a lie yet.

It's tough to distinguish what is reality when a pwBPD are so polarizing. The disorder does not define the person, a core feature is all or nothing thinking, I experiencd that Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome but I personally feel that there was a third experience, there were grey areas when my exuBPDw and I were together, it wasn't always Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde there were calmer moments as well, and that space was reality, at least that's how I feel about it.

[Lost-love-mind]

Mutt
I get confused in my head. She was fine one day and gone the next.
No in between grey area as you allude to.

So long ago and her NC.

I'm to the point where I can't explain how someone who professed how great I was for her and now won't even talk to me.

[In a bad way]

    I'm to the point where I can't explain how someone who professed how great I was for her and now won't even talk to me.       

The same for me.
There are no words that can make me comprehend that.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi confused,

How are you doing at the moment? 

I know we are toxic and the marriage is over, but if I am accepting all the horrible things that happened, what do I do with the wonderful, tender moments that I can't call a lie yet.

Regards the wonderful moments, I have kept mine.  I believe they were real for both of us.  Those were the times that we were both acting out what we deeply wanted to find and keep.  We did love one another the best that we could.  The fact is, it wasn't sustainable and couldn't last, no matter what we did.  I accept that, and those good memories are mine to keep.  There will come a point in life when you've grieved your loss and are able to look back with fondness and appreciation for the good times as you would with any r/s.  We don't have to call those a lie.  You were there and it all happened for you.  This hurts and that's what happens when we lose a part of our lives that we cannot get back.  There's no need to take everything from yourself to move past it. 

Love and light x