Please help me help my ex-partner be happy in life...

[MLJPD]

Yes, I am starting to understand that. Because of what I read and with your help. I haven't had time yet to go through those communications tools... .I am so obsessed with this subject (I know this is one of my problems, among others that I am trying to solve ), that I am talking to you while I am at work, because it is always present in my head, but ever since I started talking with you, I had to work all day and evening, but I really can't wait to take a look at it when I got time. One of my big problem is, I am passionate and I do not accept to be treated unfairly, so when it happens, I am explosive... .Probably my French side... . and when there is something that I don't like, it shows in my face, even if I do not say anything. And being like that doesn't help... .So I am also reading a book about emotional intelligence and how to keep calm when I am being provoked, but also what to do in those instance... .What I mean by being treated unfairly, I mean being told that I look unhappy all the time, when I do not look unhappy, nor happy and when he looks miserable 24/7, all we were doing was watching TV and he was the only person I was seeing in my day, when we first moved here. As someone told me, you can be happy for two for so long. That is why I tried to find myself things to do outside of our relationship, but he was complaining that the only time I looked happy was when I was talking about work and when I went to see a friend one night, he thought I was cheating on him. As I said in my letter, I never gave him any reasons to doubt me, but he was.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm at work too. 

There is a lot of information here, so I completely understand it taking time to get through. Read when you can as you can. Feel free to ask all the questions that you like. That passion can help you in the end because it will give you the energy to learn. That's a good thing.

I'll stop sending you links until you get caught up though.

[MLJPD]

Lol, ok. Thank you so very much Meili. I really appreciate your time and your help. And I will keep in touch with my progress, my questions. Since we didn't talk in a long time, I kind of felt like writing to him to let him know I haven't given up on trying to find a way to make it work, or something in that line and to let him know I am still there for him... .Everyday I was his confident, I was listening him complain about everything in his life. When we met in July, he told me that he was spending his evening in silence with his dog. So he had no body to vent to.

[Meili]

You can let him know those things without actually saying them. Saying them can be pressuring. But, since he hasn't asked you not to contact him, there's nothing wrong with saying hello and checking on him.

It's best to keep things light and friendly. Don't bring up the relationship, what happened, or where things are going. If he wants to talk about them, then follow his lead.

[MLJPD]

Ok, I will do that. Thank you for the advice.

[MLJPD]

Oh and I had a question, since I didn't have time to read about communications and how to react differently yet, what he tends to do is being positive at first and then turn negative... .And I just don't know what to do anymore. He wants reassurance, I know, but even when I tell the truth, is doesn't work, so maybe you would have an idea.

Just to give you an example of what I mean, on September 16 and 17, we at this exchange (just partial, because it would be too long):

Him: I miss you

Me: I miss you too J. I always think about you.

Him: I think of calling you every single day. Not 1 day goes by with me wanting to be with you.

Me: Me too J. Everyday I am looking at my phone, hoping I would see a text from you. Everyday, I am asking God to give me a sign that we are meant to be together. I actually do see a lot of signs and that is kind of freaky. (I gave him some freaky example)

Him: I've been working every weekend I haven't had my kids since you left, except for 1. I guess you wouldn't of been happy with me anyways. I'm just on lunch now.

Every time he talks about it, I explain my point of view, but he keeps coming back of this explanation that seems to fit his thought, but this time, I haven't tried to explain and I told him:

I am not going to repeat what I already said on the subject. I just hope that it fulfill you and that you enjoy your life.

Him: Hmm. You will never understand. You still talk like I want to work that much when I don't. (crying face). I'm not happy at all. My purpose for living is gone. Listen to "alone" by "I prevailed".

This song is basically blaming me to have left him, even though, if I explained to you how we broke up, you would understand that he did everything to push me away instead of breaking up with me... .and he actually basically admitted it. His behaviors including ignoring me for two weeks, because I haven't texted him as often as he would have liked when I was visiting my parents in Quebec, even though he didn't text me either. Often it was playing games, testing me and my love as he never believed I loved him.

Anyhow, I tried different way to answer to him, but every time, I end up getting a result I don't want, meaning hurt him.

[Meili]

Me: Me too J. Everyday I am looking at my phone, hoping I would see a text from you. Everyday, I am asking God to give me a sign that we are meant to be together. I actually do see a lot of signs and that is kind of freaky. (I gave him some freaky example)

Him: I've been working every weekend I haven't had my kids since you left, except for 1. I guess you wouldn't of been happy with me anyways. I'm just on lunch now.

I'm not sure if something is lost in translation from French to English here, but I can see how your "Everyday, I am asking God to give me a sign that we are meant to be together." could result in "I guess you wouldn't of been happy with me anyways." It reads as though you don't believe that you are meant to be together. That could certainly be triggering to someone who has abandonment fears.

Every time he talks about it, I explain my point of view, but he keeps coming back of this explanation that seems to fit his thought, but this time, I haven't tried to explain and I told him:

I am not going to repeat what I already said on the subject.  I just hope that it fulfill you and that you enjoy your life.

Him: Hmm. You will never understand. You still talk like I want to work that much when I don't. (crying face). I'm not happy at all. My purpose for living is gone

Rather than trying to explain, why not be empathetic? Get him to talk more about how he is feeling and really listen to what he's telling you not just the words that he's using.

Something that I haven't mentioned yet, but is really important, is to try not to take the words personally. I know that it is really difficult to not take things personally, but when you understand that it's his projecting his emotions so that he doesn't have to face things, it's easier to understand and not take it personally. it allows us to be more empathetic to what the other person is actually conveying to us.

It reads like he was trying to convey to you that he misses the kids and you didn't acknowledge that. Does that make sense?

[MLJPD]

Oh, no, this it the first thing I read and this is what I wanted to tell him. But I misread it too. He was saying that he had been working every weekend he didn't have his kids, so he wouldn't have spent time with ME. Meaning, he is not working the weekends he has his kids, but he is working all other weekends.

I understand now that it might have triggered that, but as we were not together anymore (we had broken up 3 months prior), for me it was a prayer and not a doubt. I don't know if that makes a difference in your interpretation, but... .

[Meili]

My interpretation isn't that important. 

But, yes, that does make sense. I think that in a "normal" state of mind, the idea that you have been looking for signs and have been finding them would have come across as encouraging to him.

What do you think changed the tenor of the discussion?

[MLJPD]

I don't know. Like I said, I feel like his brain is set on being negative and he often do that. My first response to his I miss you on September 16 was sent on September 17 at 8am and that negative thought was written at 12pm, so while working he probably thought about negative stuff and instead of thinking about solutions, listening to what I have to say on the subject, he switched negative and assumed the reason why I was unhappy. This is when I told him that making assumptions deprive me from the right to be heard, that it hurt him and me and this is when I tried to reverse role and make him understand my point of view of why I didn't seem to be happy, meaning seeing the man I love being so unhappy, so miserable because of the job he does that he hates. And he stopped writing to me. Few days later, he told me that he had received mail for me and I asked him why he was back at being distant and he said that I keep putting him down, when I feel I don't, but like you said, I was probably invalidating him without realizing that it was what I was doing. One thing is for sure, I will try asking questions, like you suggested, instead of trying to give him explanations.

[MLJPD]

Hi Meili,

As discussed, here is the update. I had already written a letter, but I reviewed it just now, trying not to be as emotional. Let me know if it is too triggering for someone with BPD, please:

J,

I want to thank you. Thank you to have given me the chance to know what it is to truly love someone more than anything and to experience what it is to feel loved. It is the closest I have ever been in my life to feeling loved the way I thought love should be. Thank you to have shared the happiest moments of my life. I loved working with you on houses, especially the one where we both were working in the roof and we kept kissing. T and K area, especially I, will remain my favorite places in the world. I will carry those memories with me all my life and after, when my body will be too tired to withhold my soul.

I wish you the best that the world can offer.

With all my love

M.

[Meili]

That would be a wonderful good-bye letter under "normal" circumstances if the split were amicable. It is clearly heart-felt and touching. Personally, I wouldn't send it though. My fear would be that it would trigger guilt, shame, and/or anger.

Many of us want to send/say something like this, I certainly did (and I sent it). Most of us tell ourselves that we only want to let our exSO know that we are thankful for the memories. It seems that we are, quite often, secretly hoping that it will spark some nostalgic, loving feeling or that we really just want to say "I love you" one more time. Rarely does it work out that way though.

Do you know what your motivation is behind the words?

[MLJPD]

That is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to make him see he was worth it, despite the hard times and tell him that I love him one last time. And since I will never EVER see him again, that was the only way I found to let him know what he means to me. (crying my balls out right now)

[Meili]

I wish that I had some magic words to say to help you to get through this. 

As I said, I felt you describe and tried to send such a letter in hopes of turning my x's head. It wasn't until I let go of absolutes like "never" "forever" "always" etc. I know that it's trite, but really, the only thing that is permanent is change. None of us can predict the future.

I was positive that I'd never hear from my dBPDexw again. That was true for nearly 10 years. Then one day, she contacted me. So, be careful with thoughts that are absolutes.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad MLJPD. It's hard to let go of someone when we care so much about them. Time will help.

I've also sent similar letters to ex's hoping they would change their mind about leaving. My ex had moved on already. He didn't want to look at the fond memories. My letter was in vain. I'm concerned that if you send this it could further push your pwBPD running farther away.

Could you write a letter to your future self, who has recovered and is moving forward in life months from now? Or write a good bye letter that is not meant to be delivered but is more for your own closure? These ideas could help you walk through the pain.

[MLJPD]

Meili, what happened with the letter you had sent?

[MLJPD]

Thank you very much Tattered Heart for your insight on my plan and for your support. I know I will sound pathetic, but it has been six months since the break up, more than two months since the last time he told me that he was missing and I just couldn't let go and I still feel like I can't, even though I do not see what I could do. He obviously do not care about seeing me or he is scared to. Anyhow, I do not know what to say... .I am at a point where, I don't know what to do, what to say and what to think.

[Tattered Heart]

I understand that. Have you thought about getting T to help you cope with the loss?

[MLJPD]

I have... .but from experience, therapy didn't do anything for me. I read a lot of books to help me, I am going to take a course to try to help me too, but I am always in hope mode... .I think I am a lost cause.

[Meili]

Therapy never helped me either, until I found the right therapist that is.

Nothing happened with the four letters that I sent. She didn't even acknowledge that I sent them.

I had completely given up on the idea of rekindling a relationship with her after that. I began to detach and live my life focusing on taking care of myself rather than the past relationship. I just allowed it to die.

I started to get out of my house and started doing things. I became interesting to her again. At some point, we started talking and trying to figure out if we could have a relationship again.

I did find out that she got the letters and read them. They made me look pathetic, clingy, and needy. These are characteristics that most don't find attractive, but because pwBPD need security, it was even worse for her. It was my strength that she found attractive.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi MLJPD,

How are you feeling at the moment?  I've read your thread and I feel for you, having been in the situation where I'd have done anything to help my partner be better and happy in his life.  For someone who is as caring and empathetic as you clearly are it is really difficult to let go of that hope and I know from my own experience what a struggle that is internally.  Could you tell us a little about what happened since October?  You were going to contact him to touch base and let him know you still care.  How did that go?

I see that you are now preparing to send a goodbye letter, so would presume that things haven't gone well overall for you.  I'm sorry to see that appears to be the case.  What happened to bring you to this point? 

Nobody is a lost cause and I hope that you can direct as much care and compassion towards yourself as you do others, particularly your ex.  What developments have you had in your own life since you last posted here about this situation?

Sharing here can be really helpful towards healing and I look forward to hearing more from you on how you are doing.  We care.

Love and light x 

[MLJPD]

Good morning Harley Quinn,

Thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate your empathy and your support.

After our last conversation at the end of September, we didn't have any contact for a month. One night I wrote to him to know how he was doing. He took 24 hours to reply: "Fine". Since he obviously didn't want to talk, even though I know he is rarely ever fine (in two years, I haven't seen him very happy. The only time I have seen him happy is when we were meeting when we were living apart. The rest of the time he was miserable, which made me very sad, because I didn't know what to do to make him happy and he was blaming me for being unhappy.), I simply replied "That's awesome". That was at the end of October.

At the beginning of November, I sent him this letter... .more or less. I wrote it by hand, because I thought it would be more personal than by text or email, plus he told me that my hand writing was turning him on, so the wording, intro and :

"J,

For the last five months, I have been trying to understand what happened. I couldn’t understand why we couldn't make our relationship work, since we love each other so much. I also wanted to understand what I did wrong. I know I am not perfect, even though I am trying my best at all time, but I really couldn’t understand what I did that was so wrong. I felt like I was merely reacting to situations that was hurting me deeply and trying to solve the issues with you, so we could be happy. I have worked on myself and made a lot of progress inside and out. I made several discoveries and among them, I came to understand that, no matter how hurt I feel, I am still responsible for my feelings and my reactions and I want to sincerely apologize for any bad reactions I had. I also now understand how much I hurt you without realizing it. Even if my intentions were nothing, but honorable, I was not using the right communication tools.

Love"

Like Meili, he never bothered to reply to me. I thought that admitting my part of responsibilities, it would make him see that I am trying hard and that I do really care about him. But Meili told me that it might have triggered guilt, shame and/or anger, because I was too loving in that message. Then, last Friday, I sent him an email, saying that I was hoping we was going well and that he received my letter and to tell him that I finished gathering all his stuff and I wanted to know what he wanted me to do with his stuff. Wednesday, he texted me, which means he still have my phone number... .asking me if there was anything else important other than his son's picture (I took a picture of what I had, because I wanted him to know I had big stuff.) I told him that I would make a list and send it to him, since I can't decide for him what is important and what is not. I was hoping to meet him... .maybe see him a last time to give him his stuff and hope he would want to talk... .but he told me what he wanted and told me to send it to the same address I sent him the letter and that he would etransfer whatever the cost. Then I said, what do you want me to do with the rest. He said Garbage. I said: Ok, take care. He replied You too and I said thank you. The same night I sent everything. Despite the fact that you suggested not to send it, I wrote him a Goodbye letter. I just couldn't not send it. And the letter I showed here is not exactly what I sent. It was even more loving and caring... .It is probably the last time I was in contact with him, so I had to tell him how I felt, how much I love him and that I wish him the best the world can offer. That I want him to be happy... .It might have been the worst thing to do, but I did, because I felt I had to.

I have been hopeful for the last 2 years and few months in trying to make that relationship work, and despite my best judgement, I am back to feeling hopeful that one day we will be back together and we can have a great relationship, especially since life is sending so many signs and signs that are really really hard to ignore... .I know he desperately love me and I desperately love him... .it is just heartbreaking that we couldn't seem to make the relationship work. I am not going to make any more attempts or efforts in trying to go back with him, I will just let life take it's course. I will just keep working on myself and try to finally heal.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so sorry that things didn't go as you had hoped.  I can completely understand your burning need to send him the letter, and with time this may bring you some peace from knowing that you said the things you so wanted to and let him know how much you love him.  There can be a distinct lack of closure in these types of r/s, which is something that many struggle with, so in effect you have given yourself a type of closure here by sending your letter, regardless of how it is received. 

Do you feel you can let go now and begin the process of moving on?  It is hard to feel you are giving up on something that you have tried and fought so hard for, and I imagine you are feeling a great deal of pain right now.  What are you doing to help yourself to get through this time?  What ways of coping have you found that are effective?  Perhaps it would be helpful to post on the Relationship Ended board when you are ready, so that we might help you to work through your grief and begin to heal.  The lessons on the board are aimed at facilitating this process, so do take a look when you feel able.

I'm pleased that you plan to continue working on yourself.  This will help you in many ways and is a positive that you can take from the relationship loss.  Be sure to build a strong support system around yourself as you embark on this journey of healing, self discovery and growth, and do post here about your progress.  This can be very helpful for other members who find themselves in similar situations.   

Love and light x 

[Meili]

How are things going MLJPD?

As Harley Quinn said, building a strong support system will help no matter how things play out. A wonderful thing about all of this is that the same things that help with the healing process when someone is finally ready to let go of a relationship are also the things needed to help save relationships like these.

By this I mean that many have discovered that when they stop fighting the end of the relationship, they are actually in a far better position to save it. They give up the fear and find strength. That is the very thing that allows the relationship to work.

I know that it is counter-intuitive and goes against what we've been taught, but it's true. The reasoning behind it is that when we are fighting with every ounce of emotional energy we have to save the relationship, we are chasing. We are showing that we are weak and that the other person can do anything that we want because of our desperation.

Look at how he responded to the different communications from you. The loving letter was ignored. The one that was more business like received a response.

Another way to look at this is to think about when you were little and playing chase. If you were the person being chased, you'd keep running and glance back every once and again to see where your pursuer was. You'd keep running as long as you were being pursued. But, what happened when the pursuer stopped chasing? You stopped running. It's not the exact same dynamic, but it is a good enough analogy to apply here.

[MLJPD]

Good evening Meili and Harley Quinn,

I am sorry for the delay of response, I am really very busy at work lately. That is actually a big chance, as it keeps my mind off my situation and I do not have so much time to think about feeling self-pity, if that make sense. When I have two minutes, I am reading two books in order to help solve my own personal issues. As I read it, it keeps reminding me of the abuse I have endured and that could help me get Tools to confront that kind of situation if it was to happen to me again and some of them have happened several times and not only with allegedly pwBPD Partner.

I will take more time to reply to you soon Meili. I just want you to know, all of you who has replied to my post, how grateful I am for all your help and support. I appreciate it from all my heart as I am very alone here, far away from my family and all my loved one, as I moved more than 497 miles away from everyone I know for my Partner.

[Meili]

Looking at yourself and the choices that you have made that contributed to finding yourself where you are today is a brilliant move! It's hard to do, very hard. But it is so very worth it. If we don't take the time to do so, we risk finding ourselves in the very same situation again.

Don't worry about how long it takes you to respond. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. We will still be here when you need us.

[MLJPD]

Against all expectations, I got a reply from my Goodbye letter tonight. I didn’t reply yet. The reason being I am scared of an argument, because I trigger a bad feeling in him. Here is the reply I got:

« I got your letter. It was very nice. Thankyou »

I am planning to reply:

« You are very welcome. Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you and your family. »

[Meili]

I don't see anything wrong with your response. It isn't anything that you wouldn't send to any friend. What do you fear that would trigger?

[Harley Quinn]

I agree with Meili.  It's a neutral response so sounds fine to send.  How are you feeling after receiving a reply?

Love and light x