Hi PaticAttack,
Sounds like you have a lot to get out of you. Breakups can be extremely painful, I know. I think this is an important notion you raise, you wrote, "I don't want to hate someone I loved." One way to avoid getting caught up in hate, I think, is to work on understanding of BPD - and not from a hateful place, but from a place of compassion. Hate will only eat you up and leave you drunk texting when you could be doing something, anything better. Post break-up time is you time - time to make you feel better, not worse!
If you want to better understand the "why" of this read up on the information here on the site - I know it has helped me to process a past sudden/unexpected loss. I got dumped out of the blue many years ago by a really great guy with BPD traits. It was devastating. I never hated him, but I desperately wanted to understand why. He never gave me any answers or clues. Ever. But that desperate desire to know why never left me. Study up on this stuff, find your answers, the community can help. And then keep moving forward. So many wonderful things can happen in life when you are open to it I think.
It is not true that you meant nothing, of course not, but people with these issues have great difficulty maintaining stable relationships - that is not about you. That is not personal. This link on
What is BPD? is a good reminder about that topic! It hurts and it feels that way, but it really isn't about you. Perhaps the lesson on the right of the board about
Healing - the big picture can you help you as you move from anger to healing? Wishing you peace on your recovery journey!
