What was the last straw?

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, I assume that all here on this Board have experienced a failed relationship with a pwBPD, which leads me to my next question: What was the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of your BPD r/s?

I'll start by relating that two kind friends and a family member were so concerned about me that they conducted an intervention, which probably saved my life and gave me the strength to leave my marriage of 13 years to my BPDxW.  That was the last straw for me because they saw what I refused to acknowledge, that I had lost myself in a cycle of abuse.

How about you?

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi LuckyJim,

Good topic. I happened in stages for me. I’m surprised with everything that I put with you would think that going to court for false charges would of been the last straw but no. I wanted to keep the family intact and I wanted to be close to the kids, I failed to see that I can close to the kids with shared custody and with her out of the picture and me my own it’s easier to manage because I’m happier.

I’m pretty patient and can put up with a lot I felt that I had exhausted all avenues. I was trying to come up with constructive and positive ways to deal with things and after several years of negativity and her not being constructive and negative about everything. I gave up and dug my heals in and started fighting back which made things worst but the catalyst of the demise of my marriage is when I drew a hard line and she knew at that point that she control me anymore.

It was customary that she would pick a fight right before we would leave town to visit her parents. I hated how she accosted me in front of her family it made me small and resentful. One weekend I told her if she’s going to pick fights with me the whole weekend and have her family feel sorry for her because she would bring personal things up in front of them. She wanted pity.

Anyways she left town without me that weekend and I got a call from exNIL she said that you have family that’s all you got. I felt bad but I felt better for sticking up for myself so that was the beginning of the end that transitioned to a very difficult period then I felt stronger, healthier physically emotionally and spiritually then before I met my exuBPDw.

[once removed]

there wasnt really a straw that broke the camels back, per se. the breakup itself was pretty clean. i had emotionally and physically pulled away for a while (although unbeknownst to her, i had determined to reinvest) and she was interested in someone else.

there were plenty of straws that, in retrospect, should have broken the camels back, and of course after our amicable breakup, there was a lot of drama and fireworks, but there was no one thing, she just decided our time was done.

[Harley Quinn]

I was hit in front of my child.  My son's emotional well being and his perception of what a healthy loving r/s looks like was my number one priority and that boundary had always been respected up until that point, as I'd been really clear and firm about this since before we got together.  

I had encountered tremendous emotional abuse and we'd ventured into the realm of physical abuse although nothing so direct - however all the traumatic experiences, including suicide attempts and self harm, had taken place in the absence of my son when he was staying with his father.  

My ex was under no illusion that this action (I've just had the anniversary of a year since this happened) signified the end as I would never be able to return to how things were before that moment.  Things escalated from that point as he knew as did I that it was over between us.  Although I subjected myself to further abuse following this point, it was short term and his remaining in the home was clearly communicated as a temporary thing until he found alternative accommodation.  I guess the final nail in the coffin was getting police involvement in ensuring that once I had him leave he was prevented from returning.

As each of you have stated, there were many many occasions that should have been the final straw and weren't.  I had become an anxious, emotionally shredded shadow of my former confident, outgoing and level headed self.  In hindsight and with a lot of self reflection I see that I was accustomed to being able to tolerate more than your average person regards abuse, stress and unease in a r/s.  This has led me on a path of self discovery and better understanding of my past and it's impacts on my present throughout the years.  I look forward with optimism to a future free of such impact from my past.  Nobody should have to put up with the behaviour I experienced from someone they love and I owe it to myself to value myself and my own happiness in a r/s far more than I have.    

Love and light x

[Jeffree]

Over the years, there were what should have been deal breakers all along the way. How poorly she parented
and spoke so disrespectfully to her bio kids. Her drinking. How she lied. Her exorbitant spending. Calling the cops on me for "being a passive-aggressive a-hole" as she said while she had greeted me in my room at my desk holding a hammer between her legs. Harassing me and throwing my clothes all over the room the night I requested we be in separate bedrooms. On and on and on.

However, the final straw for me was when she anger sexed me.

She had begun to do this thing where she'd be all amorous and nice, almost the woman I had fallen in love with, then as I finally felt safe to make the moves on her, she'd get resentful as if that's all I ever thought of and wanted from her and why I married her in the first place. Then she'd proceed to "please me" because she "knew it was what would put you in a good mood."

The last time was on Valentine's Day (a few months before I asked her to move out of the bedroom). We agreed to go to a nice new steakhouse in the area. She got all dressed up. Was playing dance music like she liked. Rubbing her body all over me. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

We go to the restaurant and she seems to be having a nice time, and I figure this is all going fine like a date should be going. She has a bit to drink, seems to let her walls down, was being nice, then passionate with me when we got home, then all of the sudden her demeanor changed when we were under the sheets and she did that resentful anger sex thing again. It felt as though she somehow felt put upon by me to do it when to me it just seemed like the natural course the evening had taken. Then it seemed as though she did it to get it out of the way so she can shut me up by doing what she thought what I thought was her wifely duty. About the only thing missing was her saying, "Are you done yet?"

I just laid there so hurt and disgusted. I felt so tricked and betrayed. Right then and there I made a promise to myself to NEVER touch her affectionately again or to see her as my muse. I was so angry. I was done caring about her. I was done being tricked into thinking the woman I married was coming back into the marriage.

There were a couple of times thereafter where she came into my bedroom and curled up next to me, but I just laid there in a disinterested panic hoping to not have to make a choice between placating her or going against my promise to myself.

I have a high tolerance for bull, but there was something about that anger sex thing that just crossed the line. Even I knew instantly that I didn't deserve that. She had already put so many land mines into our affections that it had become nearly impossible for me to get lucky, so I was always extremely passive and careful to the point of just assuming it wouldn't happen. But to set me up like that so she could knock me down in that way? No. That was it.

[valet]

Good topic. Looking back at it, it was definitely a gradual thing. I was in pretty deep denial about the situation, but as I tried to maintain contact I realized that my pwBPD was just... .not who I thought she was. I had been feeling this way for a while, wanting closure or some understanding of how she had kind of just changed overnight, but it never came.

Then a mutual friend told me that she had been cheating during the relationship, so I ended the friendship. I had pretty much concluded this on my own and tried to get past it, but I really couldn't. There was a bit of drama in the aftermath, and I haven't talked to her since. Now I find it odd that she felt the need to preserve that type of lie, but I get her rational and don't blame her anymore. I guess this was the last straw, but I don't really see it like that. I was just tired and not doing what I was for the right reasons.

I basically had felt over the relationship by then, but I was still pretty angry for a little bit. It was a big relief, though. The stress of all of that wondering was really hurting me, I realize now in hindsight. I don't regret much of it, and I learned a great deal about who I am and what I want out of life.

[Skip]

A psychiatrist told me she had BPD.

There was a lot of push and pull going on at the time, I went through a few short cycles to see if she matched what I learned. She did.

I waited for a good push, packed myself away, and gritted my teeth as I walking away from a women I really loved and her kids. It was painful and I suffered quietly with it for over a year. I thought it would be easier to make her pushing me off - probably was.

I did re-connect after five weeks to spend time on the weekends with the boys for a few months... .I used the skills I learned her to keep it pleasant, amicable, but not to recycle.

We never actually broke up. That was 10+ years ago.

[Torched]

For me the last straw happened about four years before the divorce.  I was 36 years old and had always dreamed of going out west to fly fish.  I had been going to counseling by myself because if she wouldn’t go, I might as well... .and the counseling helped me discover the truth of who she was and why.  I also discovered how messed up the relationship was and how bad it was for me.  I was also aware that she would never change.

At that point, I loathed her.

I booked a trip out west, went and had an amazing time.  I knew that upon my return, the unbalanced waif hermit would punish me using cold shouldering, raging.  Sure enough it happened my first day back.  When her rage started, I calmly looked at her and said “I am going to divorce you.  I’ll be seeing a lawyer this week.”  She immediately stopped her rage and looked at me like I was some sort of amazing thing.

I was talked into giving her a second chance about a month after filing, even though I knew she couldn’t change.  She stopped raging and got on Prozac, but continued to treat my family inappropriately and attempted to alienate my children from their grandparents and aunt.  I lived in a horrible lie for the next four years.

[tiki]

I wanted no contact but there was always the threat of suicide. When he said that he wanted space because I was negatively effecting his mental health and even asked what was so hard to understand that. That's when I took the opportunity. 1. I was actually shocked that he understood the concept as a concept.  2. The fact that he understood the concept allowed me to feel like I could use it. Yeah.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, Thanks to all for your thoughtful replies.  As many have described, I put up with a lot of abuse over the years before the last straw.  I'm a patient person and have a lot of inner resources, yet that may have worked against me because I was able to withstand so much that it took a tremendous toll on me over the years.  I lacked understanding of self-care and self-love, and lost all sense of myself.

You put it well, HQ:

Nobody should have to put up with the behaviour I experienced from someone they love and I owe it to myself to value myself and my own happiness in a r/s far more than I have.   

Totally agree!

LJ

[Lucky Jim]

I was hit in front of my child.  My son's emotional well being and his perception of what a healthy loving r/s looks like was my number one priority and that boundary had always been respected up until that point, as I'd been really clear and firm about this since before we got together. 

Harley Quinn:  I'm so sorry, HQ, to hear that you went through this horrible experience.  It seems like it often takes something drastic, however, to break the BPD spell.  When I look back at my marriage and all that I endured, it almost seems as if I was trapped in a strange netherworld, from which I was unable to escape.  As Dante put it, and I'm paraphrasing here, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  I still shudder to think about it.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

I can totally relate LJ.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that had this not happened, I'd still have been lost in that dark wood myself, enduring the isolation of private abuse and at some point without a doubt would have lost myself altogether.  There was little left when I ended things, but like you I was able to keep going against all odds.  So yes, it took something major.  In fact far worse than this incident happened, both before and after the event, however it was when things leaked over into affecting my son that I drew the line.  It's sad that I wasn't able to do that for myself - rather for someone else's well being.  How telling that is.  The whole experience has had a profoundly positive effect on my life though, despite ongoing impacts which I continue to battle with, as some are aware.  As I've often said, everything happens for a reason.  It's up to us to learn the lesson held within and rise up as more than we were before. 

Love and light x 

[Idsrvt2]

Ok, for me it went like this.  My x had his first day of therapy and was going to stop by my house with cannolis and a beer refill ... I had texted him good luck st his appointment , but hadn't heard all day from him.
He's outside my house and texts a reply and then knocks on my door,

It was warm outside, my dad had been over as well... .my dad leaves and my x said he was feeling very apprehensive like he just wants to run home and be in his room alone... .  this was often a struggle and I tried so hard to get him out as much as possible and prove he could be with me.

We goto our fav town... .we are having a great time... trying on vintage clothing ... laughing and he was very affectionate ... kissing me etc... .I was hungry and he wanted to know if I wanted a cannoli ... .i said no I couldn't do sugar ... .knowing full well he didn't like eating in public I tried to find something I could eat while walking, I found nada ... .he says well it's time to get you back home... .I say can we go try the dim sum place ? He says maybe next time

I'm starved st this point.  While in his car he mentions again how his virginity was stolen from him as he was molested as a kid in the bathtub... .he then tells me I smell like cat pee and he thinks my cats sprayed something I was wearing and hope that I'm not mad he told me.

I wasn't mad, what I was hurt about was being taken home... .him knowing my neck was not good and the nerve pain into my hands I was dropped off to cook alone ... .no offer for even take out.
So I text him after he leaves ... .worst mistake
He asks if I want him to come back over andy help me ... .I stupidly say no

He calls and we talk , but I'm more upset that he didn't ask me again to come over and I instead blame myself for not getting food while out... .
he hangs up and I'm still upset and I text and he says to me stop be had a nice day out and I'm already in pain and texting is making it worse.

I then text I think it's best we take a break as my health is very bad and I feel he rushes home to be in 2nd life and doesn't want to be with me at all.

He ignored those texts all day ... .I went to my treatment for my neck and that nite he dumped me so coldly .

I know I should have said yes I wanted you to come over , but I was always concerned about his anxiety of being out of his house.
It escalated so quickly ... .the perfect storm me being upset and in pain on pms
He took out a RO a few days later after saying he wasn't going to... .never in my life did I think after such a fun day out me mentioning him getting off a game would end us... .
The guy still delivers my mail and when he was texting me about the RO was walking around my development

So I was left for a game ... .I since have found a blog post by him a week before he dumped me that proves he was either cheating or being persuaded by someone... .I assume online.
I struggle a lot now because this time last year we were together and he wasn't all bad.   I wish things were different

[SamwizeGamgee]

This conversation has been very insightful.  I am pondering whether I have actually had the last straw that broke me about three years ago, and it's just taken that long for the reality to sink in and come to focus.  Having coping skills, being a quick healer (and forgetter), and having been determined to stay, have not benefited me I think.
Thank you all for sharing.

[once removed]

I am pondering whether I have actually had the last straw that broke me about three years ago

i think it works that way sometimes. now that i think about it, there was a straw for each of us. we both said things that were impossible to come back from, we just didnt break up at the time. i withdrew. she went looking for someone else. neither of us had the skills or willingness to end it until it came to a head, but we were done for a while.

[flourdust]

Valentine's Day. She had an enormous meltdown and left town for ten days, leaving me with the kid.

But that wasn't really the last straw. That was just the trigger I needed to make the divorce happen.

I had been preparing for the divorce for months.

It was a collection of moments over a period of a year that essentially extinguished my hope. I learned about BPD and tried the tools from this site - to no effect. She adjusted her meds, enrolled in DBT, and went to MC - to no effect. She would not stop herself from threatening suicide, self-harm, divorce, or abandonment in front of our kid. I had to call the cops on her - more than once. I couldn't drive her, sleep with her, be with her, without her going into a rage. My therapist, our MC, my family and friends all thought I should divorce her.

Valentine's Day wasn't the last straw. It was just the moment to act.

[valet]

i think it works that way sometimes. now that i think about it, there was a straw for each of us. we both said things that were impossible to come back from, we just didnt break up at the time. i withdrew. she went looking for someone else. neither of us had the skills or willingness to end it until it came to a head, but we were done for a while.

This post has me thinking some interesting thoughts, once.

There were a lot of things about my ex that bugged me: how she withdrew all affection, day stretches of silent treatments, that I knew she was probably talking to other suitors behind my back, how she never wanted to go out and do things together in the last year and a half or so, how she would scream at me over simple issues. I could go on, of course.

I quietly had the thought, 'hey, this isn't going to last' in my head for about a year before the end. But I never acted on it or understood what it meant to me. I was really happy with the good parts of her, and it almost seemed fitting that I chose to ignore acting on the bad. I think back then I was a lot more obsessed with my own feelings of pain. I wanted to hurt in a way that I still recognize in myself. Pain feels good sometimes, like everything is working for me emotionally.

I experienced that 'coming to a head stage', but in reflection it seems awfully anticlimactic. I didn't want to cut off contact. I had to tell myself, 'dude, this isn't a road you can travel on anymore'.

Which brings me to my main point: I suppose that decision still bothers me somewhere at a core level. My ex left me no choice. That seems to be this weird monolithic essence of all sadness as I have come to understand the idea—the thought that sometimes the only thing left to do is give up.

I think this is a pretty grounding series of logic that really helped me deal with that part of my life. Beneath the anger, hatred, outrage, blaming, etc., the end of the relationship with my pwBPD is no different than suffering any loss. It hurt like hell, and sometimes it still does a little bit, but that doesn't mean that it isn't part of being human.

[empath]

For me, there has been a lot of confirmations of what I already knew, but I wasn't willing to really consider as continuing patterns.

The most dramatic one was in October. Our son and dil were expecting their first child (and our first grandchild). DIL developed complications - preeclampsia that turned severe. I got a text that she was being transferred to a hospital with a higher level nicu, and they needed my help. She was 24 weeks along at that point, so they were trying to keep the pregnancy going for as long as it was safe for them both. Nearly a week went by, but they were checking on her condition constantly and she was still in the hospital.

I had gone down to their house with our d13 to help with pet care for the weekend. Overnight, DIL's symptoms became much worse, and the baby needed to be delivered via emergency c-section asap. I told my h that I needed to get to the hospital (it was a life-threatening situation for both dil and baby) and he offered to come and get d13. I didn't want d13 at the hospital in case one of them died. The drive is about 45 minutes; he showed up over 2 hours later. At that point, I was so angry, but I had to get to the hospital and immediately left in that direction. I barely made it before she went into surgery. They both made it through and are doing well at this point. Grandchild is a miracle baby... .

I found out later that h had a long conversation with our landlords that delayed him from picking up our d13. D13 stayed at home with her dad Saturday until I came home on Monday, and she wasn't really okay with being alone with him for that long.

All this brought up our experience with our first pregnancy and the miscarriage. H had lots of emotions that were stirred up, and I validated that it would do that. I also said that I needed to go and reminded him that he had friends that he could call if he needed support.

I have accepted that this is how he is. He thinks that he was helpful; everyone else thinks not so much. I have far more important things in life to do, especially with my kids and now the grandbaby.

My pastor, friends, family are supportive of me and think things need to change for my well-being.

[lostdorothy]

When I finally left my hwuBPD it was because all of the people that I love in my life were concerned for my safety. It was a real wake-up moment for me. I would have never thought twice about going back after his jealous shenanigans. It took seeing the fear in the eyes of my friends and family that snapped me out of it. My best friend told me that she would cry for hours thinking that I was in danger. The crazy thing is... .he never physically abused me. Everyone was afraid that it was going to escalate to that point. Luckily for us our BPDs tend to show how crazy they are and alert healthy people that can rescue us.
I hope that everyone posting here has good people in their lives that want to protect them. I thank god for them every day.

[Lalathegreat]

For me it was when I felt threatened physically. I didn’t leave immediately because I was afraid of what would happen to his son. But that’s really when my thinking went from “how can I fix “us”?” To “how can I help him rebound enough that I can back away carefully knowing that his son will be ok?” Of course I know now that my thinking was VERY erroneous, but that’s where I was at the time - feeling that his “broken” was my fault. That I could somehow make it better. I’d go so far as to say that since a child was involved, I felt I had a moral RESPONSIBILITY to make it better.

But it was never gonna get “better”. And I’m not sure that I ever could have walked away as long as I felt there was more I could do. And I’m the type of person who always feels there’s more I could do! I know I have spoken about this here before - being so severely physically assaulted was horrific. But it also saved my life. I’m convinced of that.

Lala

[fontinalis]

I thought it was the last straw more times than I can count over the course of our relationship. When we were dating, she suddenly became extremely sexually agressive and demanding, which made me very uncomfortable. One fateful night, we had sex seven times. I was so tired and worn out that I didn't realize I wasn't wearing a condom. I asked her if we could slow things down, but she said that if I wouldn't have sex with her, I didn't love her. I thought that was the last straw, so I broke up with her. A week later I found out she was pregnant and we got married. (Years later she told me that she got pregnant on purpose because she was jealous of her sister who had just given birth.)

She slapped our daughter when she was about one and a half years old. I told her if she ever did that again, we would leave her. Eleven years later, she slapped our daughter again, but I didn't tell anyone because our daughter didn't want anything to happen to mommy.

When she told me I'm a failure because I don't smile enough the week after my brother died, I told her I wanted a divorce. She was soon pregnant with our third child, and I stayed. I do know where babies come from, so I know I'm equally responsible for bringing a precious child into such an awful situation.

When I found out that she had secretly taken out a $7,000 loan for fancy lingerie that I had never seen her wear and she was siphoning off our savings to pay it off, I thought I was done. Of course I wasn't.

The first time she hit me, I told her if she did it again I would call the police. I didn't, and I didn't, and I didn't. Then I did, and the police gave me the option of either arresting her or me taking the kids away for 24 hours to let her cool down. I took the kids. It was "the worst thing" anyone had ever done to her.

Finally she had a violent rage in front of our daughter that left me too terrified to go back. I went to the police, and she was arrested. I almost immediately began thinking of how we could reconcile though. But she filled for divorce this week. And I got a letter from her lawyer to the court claiming that my allegations of verbal abuse and threats to take the kids away from me are false.

Writing all of this makes me feel better. I did the right thing, damnit! I'm finally feeling out of the FOG! Thank you to the wonderful people I have met here. I'm still an anxious mess, but I have hope for the future without her!

[SamwizeGamgee]

Good on you!
I have been fortunate to not have suffered physical abuse - hitting and such, or sexual pressure (although that's sort of happening now that I'm withdrawing), but, I have suffered far too many rages, guilt trips, endured rejection, self-righteous judgements, silent treatment, and too much psychological abuse. So, I know I'll look back when I end this, and say, like you, ":)amn it, I did the right thing!"

[Lucky Jim]

It's interesting to read how many straws we Nons put up with before the last straw.  You could say that we are resilient; on the other hand, we probably stay a lot longer than is healthy for us.

LJ

[once removed]

I think back then I was a lot more obsessed with my own feelings of pain. I wanted to hurt in a way that I still recognize in myself. Pain feels good sometimes, like everything is working for me emotionally.

if i read you right, i can relate to that.

after a lot of bad relationships/bad breakups i stayed single for three years. i knew my ex was bad news. i literally said to myself "its time to get back out there... .even with another "crazy" one... .this time ill handle it right, this time ill be the one to leave". i wanted to test myself and see what id learned, which im gonna go ahead and suggest is not a quality reason to enter a relationship.

in the past i have been consciously self destructive in the chase for learning and growth, experience, creativity, whatever.

thankfully it finally hit me some years ago that im too old for that stuff anymore 

[valet]

if i read you right, i can relate to that.

after a lot of bad relationships/bad breakups i stayed single for three years. i knew my ex was bad news. i literally said to myself "its time to get back out there... .even with another "crazy" one... .this time ill handle it right, this time ill be the one to leave". i wanted to test myself and see what id learned, which im gonna go ahead and suggest is not a quality reason to enter a relationship.

in the past i have been consciously self destructive in the chase for learning and growth, experience, creativity, whatever.

thankfully it finally hit me some years ago that im too old for that stuff anymore 

Ha, I can pretty much completely empathize with that sequence of events. I tested myself out in that way too. Ended up dating a couple of girls that peaked a little high on the proverbial 'crazy' scale, and I knew what I was getting myself into. I ended up breaking both of those off in the first few months, and like you suggest, it totally wasn't a healthy way to go about dating.

Those were my last couple relationships, and that was over a year and a half ago.

I take it a little easier on myself now. I guess I got over the 'I can do it. I have the skills' logic and started subscribing to more of a 'I already know where that could head and don't want anything to do with it' philosophy. And I care more about my friends, family, hobbies, etc now in return.

I think what we're getting at here is basically the idea that it's always better to be patient, and that the most important thing is feeling happy with ourselves. That's the kind of thing that healthy people find attractive. The rest is sort of math after that.

[Maxpax2011]

I left on a Tuesday after work. I stayed at her place most days. The night before I was trying to figure out how to put together a training collar for my dog, it was very complicated, the strap was too long and I had to cut it to fit, then re-tighten then loosen it. Took hours because my dog is a pomeranian, only 9 pounds, during this time my exBPD was nagging me and hassling me about it, calling me names and berating me, finally I figured it out, then I helped with laundry, did the dishes and took the trash out and then sat on the couch with her daughter to watch tv. While she was in the kitchen doing something she snidely remarked to me that it must be nice to sit on the couch and do nothing, that set off an argument, and I went outside for a walk. She apologized as she always did after a fight then we made up, I was still stressed about it, I could feel my anxiety level rising, and I went to bed. The next morning I got up to get ready for work, my dog was kept in a crate at night because she didn't want him running around, he was whining in the crate to go out and get fed, and when I let him out, she yelled at me to shut the F!@@#$$ dog up. He was hopping around and whining as always, and I just lost it, I hit him right across the face. I was crushed, he just ran away from me and hid under the table, I was devastated, I hurt my dog, he is like my son, and he helped me get through some tough times over the years, and out of anger I hit him. I knew then that it was time to leave. I went to work, and later talked to her and told her I needed some time to think, she reacted horribly and said if I was not home when she got there then we would be over, sent text after text, multiple calls, I knew where it would lead, more fighting! So I went to the house got my dog and grabbed what stuff I could then left never went back. She kept the stuff I left, and soon after moved on to another relationship, she has since tried to cause me drama, and triangulate me with her new boyfriend, but I maintain no contact and avoid her at all costs. I am now happier than I was, I lost 30 pounds, my dog is happy, I am almost done with my Bachelor's. I started dating again. Feels good, as I look back, I do regret how I left, and I do miss her daughter, we were pretty close, but my emotional health was the most important, as my family says, "She was not your daughter and you have your own children to worry about". So I am better off.

[Jeffree]

Maxpax,

Well done! Sorry it took that incident to force the change, but it sounds like you've not looked back. 

J

[ForeverDad]

The last straw was when she she put the last nail into our marriage.  We had once been best friends, always in sync, but slowly she morphed.  After 5 years she started cursing, not at me but in her childhood distress.  Eventually we moved but she still had, um, episodes.  I mistakenly thought she would see the positive in life if she could have a child to watch and grow with.  Too late I realized children, though wonderful miracles, complicate a dysfunctional marriage rather than fix it.  She focused on "her and her child against the world" to the exclusion of me.  Never again since his birth was she drawn to me as before.  Intimacy became infrequent.

It's been 10 years.  Since the divorce was final?  No, My divorce was final about 7.5 years ago.  Divorce filing?  No, that was about 9.5 years ago.  Separation?  No, that was 9.9 years ago.  Since the last weekend of intimacy.  For some reason my emotional perspective sets that as the end of the marriage.  End of intimacy equaled, looking back, end of marriage.  I do miss intimacy, the touch, the feel, the sharing, the joy.

Our last weekend of intimacy resulted in her immediately afterward stating, "Now you have to go with me on my trip."  For me, I wanted it to be "making love".  For her it was sexx. (Okay, she said "sex", but as far as I could tell it was more like four letter "sexx".)  She did it to "make a deal" in her mind. 

We separated less than 5 weeks later.  During that last week she wanted me guillotined and claimed I had cancer in my brain and my [sex organs], just to name a couple exclamations.  Every demeaning, spiteful, hateful, ugly thing she could spew at me.  She wanted me to hurt.  Badly.

[lotus74]

My uBPDh has been spiraling.  He was in a car accident in January and is now facing criminal charges related to that accident.  Last week he wanted me to make my sixteen year old daughter (his step-daughter) go to her room if she wanted to text her friends, read a book, or watch a television show that she had picked.  He expected her to interact with him if he was in the room. Distract him, ease his anxiety.  Be his friend  I realized that he was treating my daughter the way he treats me.  He may not have ever raged at her, or thrown things at her, but he has emotionally abused her.  And I have let that happen.  But I can't anymore.  Last Tuesday, after another fight, he said he was leaving, packed up his things and moved back in with his parents.   We had basically no contact most of the week with only a text about picking up some of his things, which he did before my daughter and I got home.  On Saturday I changed the Apple ID so that I could get into the laptop.  It also linked to his phone and he was unable to play his app games.  He accused me of "stealing his phone" when I would not give him my password.  Later that day I went to pay bills and he had taken a very large sum of money out of our joint bank account.  Since then things have progressed pretty quickly.  Separate bank accounts, car insurance, phones, etc... .his parents dropping me on social media.  I changed the locks on the doors to the house.  All the bills, even the mortgage are all in my name.  I am researching divorce lawyers. 

The no contact thing has got me feeling a little paranoid.  Is that normal?  I just have a lot of anxiety right now.  Thanks for reading.  I feel like I needed to tell someone.  No one knows that all of this has happened except for my daughter who is with her dad this week.  I am trying to reconnect with friends, but my uBPDh has been really good at isolating me. 

[Lucky Jim]

I am trying to reconnect with friends, but my uBPDh has been really good at isolating me. 

Hey lotus74, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, though I don't think NC is necessarily a bad thing at this juncture.  Of course it's hard to part ways, but you've had a clean break which I view as a positive thing.  I'm happy to hear that you are reaching out to friends, because you're going to need support through this process.  Do you have any close family members who could serve as a sounding board?  It's tough to go it alone, so keep posting here.

LuckyJim